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Original poster

Partner putting work before family life

59 replies

almostsinglemum · 29/05/2022 09:38

As my name change suggests - I feel at times like an almost single mum because my partner is absent so much for work.

I'll try to summarise as briefly as possible...

We have a toddler together who recently turned 1. We also each have older children (secondary school age) from previous relationships - I have one and he has 2 (their ages are 12, 15 & 16).

I work 4 days a week in a stressful mentally and emotionally demanding job. it's a 9-5 and there's flexibility around hours and WFH etc if I need it. My day off is spent at home with our toddler. I also do all nursery drop off and pick ups on account of the nursery being close to my work (which is opposite direction to DP's work).

DP works crazy long shifts at often unsociable hours, including early mornings, late evenings, every other weekend and nights. Some of this he has no say over, it's his allocated shift pattern. Other shifts are extended as overtime (agrees to start earlier or finish later for example). When he starts early morning he has to leave the house at 6.15am, leaving me to sort DD myself before work and get her to nursery etc, which adds stress to my morning. On late finishes, he comes home around 8/9pm, meaning bath and bedtime after work is my responsibility. When he does every other weekend I'm alone with DD doing everything. When he does nights, all the night wake ups are my responsibility (her sleep still isn't great) and if I'm in work the next day I'm so exhausted. (When he's not on nights we split the night wakings).

Anyway .... my issue is that some of these shifts are optional. Yes, the money helps, but he doesn't even discuss it with me in advance a lot of the time so we can mutually agree when overtime will be done to best suit the family. I am constantly saying to him we need to discuss it first so we can balance our financial needs with the practical needs like the support I need at home. I feel like a stuck record as he still mostly does his own thing and works whenever (occasionally he will discuss it with me first but mostly just cracks on).

The other issue is that he has his older kids every other weekend on his weekend off, and due to the age gap between them and our toddler it's not really convenient to do things all together. He would rather take them out places suitable for their ages (which I understand). But it means our family time is again further limited (hence my issue when he extends a shift somewhere where we could have had family time).

This morning he's gone off to yet more overtime (he also worked yesterday). This is supposed to be his weekend off. He has promised he will be home by lunch time to take our toddler swimming. I asked him this morning how he ended up with this particular overtime shift - he said "Boss asked me for a favour so I said yes".
🙄 Great. So boss gets a favour, but the mother of his child just struggles on at home doing everything single handedly.....

I don't know what to do. Im not sure if I'm being unreasonable but he just seems to prefer being at work and to "do them favours" but see me struggling alone with our DD.

Any advice? Thank you.

OP posts:
Fireflygal · 29/05/2022 11:22

but he just seems to prefer being at work and to "do them favours" but see me struggling alone with our DD

I suspect you are right. He doesn't want to do the hard work of family life. Teens are much easier to cope with.

How old were his children when he separated from their mother? I just wonder if his selfishness has always been there but not as noticeable until you had children and shared a house.

I'm not sure that he will change. He clearly doesn't want to be involved in the drudgery of the work involved with a young child. Is the relationship beneficial in other areas?

madasawethen · 29/05/2022 12:56

Before you had the youngest, was he working all those hours and leaving everything to you?

WannabeMathematician · 29/05/2022 13:05

Use the extra money from one of his shifts to pay for a baby sitter and take your teen out?

Not all the time but if you have the extra money use it to make your life easier? He can only work extra shifts because you are doing childcare on the weekends so you should get the fruit of that labour too.

while my husband doesn’t work shifts he is travelling a lot so I will often have weeks all by myself. The extra money we get from him being paid to travel sometimes goes into an extra day at nursery for my son. We’re still monetarily and everyone gets a bit more of a break.

Original poster
almostsinglemum · 29/05/2022 14:01

madasawethen · 29/05/2022 12:56

Before you had the youngest, was he working all those hours and leaving everything to you?

He's always been a bit of a workaholic yes. But tbh I didn't really notice it as much or really mind when we didn't have the youngest as I wasn't as insanely busy as I am now running around after a toddler. It's only now I'm really noticing.

OP posts:
Original poster
almostsinglemum · 29/05/2022 14:02

How old were his children when he separated from their mother?

They were 5 & 8.

OP posts:
maythe4thbewithme · 29/05/2022 14:07

You say the overtime "massively" helps.....

I take it he is the main earner? By some way? Does your older child live with you so he's supporting the roof over their head too?

Maybe he feels like he can't drop overtime and sustain the lifestyle you like / grown accustomed to?

lassof · 29/05/2022 14:09

almostsinglemum · 29/05/2022 14:02

How old were his children when he separated from their mother?

They were 5 & 8.

He was probably like that the first time round as well.
Can you ask for joint marriage counselling? Now rather than when things have got bad! I'm not sure an engrained pattern of behaviour is easy to change tbh.

springbreak22 · 29/05/2022 14:10

Feel sad for your older child.

Fireflygal · 29/05/2022 14:13

@almostsinglemum, What is the housing situation? Do you have equal shares in the house?

I feel for you as you're working so hard and he's unlikely to change. Working is probably easier and he gets financial rewards. All you can do is priortise yourself when you can as it doesn't seem bothered about your well being.

Regularmumnetter · 29/05/2022 14:20

lassof · 29/05/2022 14:09

He was probably like that the first time round as well.
Can you ask for joint marriage counselling? Now rather than when things have got bad! I'm not sure an engrained pattern of behaviour is easy to change tbh.

Show quote history

If he doesn’t even have time to look after their toddler how is he going to have time to go to marriage counselling? 😂😂

Original poster
almostsinglemum · 29/05/2022 14:21

maythe4thbewithme · 29/05/2022 14:07

You say the overtime "massively" helps.....

I take it he is the main earner? By some way? Does your older child live with you so he's supporting the roof over their head too?

Maybe he feels like he can't drop overtime and sustain the lifestyle you like / grown accustomed to?

My salary is higher than his so technically I'm the higher earner, but with his current overtime he earns about the equivalent of my salary if not a bit more.

Yes my eldest lives with us.

OP posts:
Original poster
almostsinglemum · 29/05/2022 14:21

springbreak22 · 29/05/2022 14:10

Feel sad for your older child.

Why?

OP posts:
Threadkill · 29/05/2022 14:21

Thing is you’re not a single mum, so you should expect to have your husband not treat you like one. I think everyone, whether married or single would agree being a single mum is hard and it’s impossible to both work and give enough attention to your kids and stay sane (hence the understandable comparisons being made on this thread - no-one is diss-ing single mums). He needs to be made to understand that ducking out of home-life to work more hours is a luxary and, although more money always helps, it’s just not sustainabke if all the extra burden is falling on you. Work is easier than bringing up kids.

Original poster
almostsinglemum · 29/05/2022 14:22

Fireflygal · 29/05/2022 14:13

@almostsinglemum, What is the housing situation? Do you have equal shares in the house?

I feel for you as you're working so hard and he's unlikely to change. Working is probably easier and he gets financial rewards. All you can do is priortise yourself when you can as it doesn't seem bothered about your well being.

We are in a private rental, joint tenancy.

Thank you Flowers

OP posts:
WatsonsToeTag · 29/05/2022 14:26

No advice but I feel for you. I work with a few guys that are always working late and weekends when they don't strictly need to and I always wonder what impact that is having on their family life.

balalake · 29/05/2022 15:57

I hope it is not the case, but is he being pressurised at work into doing overtime, either because of a wider staff shortage or because he has become seen as the easy touch who does not say no? Even if not the case, it does need addressing.

Wallywobbles · 29/05/2022 16:17

How would it be financially if you went full time and he stopped all overtime? Would that feel fairer. And if he got up at the same time as you.

Original poster
almostsinglemum · 29/05/2022 16:30

@Wallywobbles

The loss in our monthly take home pay for me working one day less a week is £371.

If DP worked no overtime at all we'd be losing anywhere between £800-£1200 a month (this is an average month of overtime, at the moment he's doing more than this).

So the difference is quite significant. Me working that extra day wouldn't compensate anywhere near for what he brings in extra.

Getting up at the same time as me would be a start though yes! I've already suggested this to him so will see how it goes.

OP posts:
Original poster
almostsinglemum · 29/05/2022 16:34

Sorry - difference is £524 a month in take home for me dropping a day, not 371. But still, it wouldn't make up his overtime.

OP posts:
maythe4thbewithme · 29/05/2022 18:06

Maybe he feels like he should be bringing home the same as you and make you both on a equal footing financially. I know that's a crazy thought to some MN who are happy to have unequal earnings and let the higher earner take the strain but I actually think he could be doing it for the right reasons

billy1966 · 29/05/2022 19:46

You know he is very selfish, that is very clear.

Your life sounds like a hard slog.

Of course he is avoiding family life, work is easier.

If he wanted to help he would be up early to share the load, but he doesn't want to share the load so he doesn't get up.

It really is that simple.

Another selfish man.
Shit husband, shit father.

You have my sympathy, as does your older child.

She's lost out a lot from you getting together with a selfish man, having another child and you doing it all.

springbreak22 · 29/05/2022 19:55

I feel sad for her because you had another child with a waste of space and now you are unable to have 1:1 time with your existing child.

It's exhausting reading on here the huge amount of women who do not think of the children they already have, then desperate to procreate with these men who are already substandard fathers to their existing children.

Original poster
almostsinglemum · 29/05/2022 20:16

Woah I think "waste of space" is just a tad harsh. He's a good man in many ways. He is just extremely work orientated and tends to see the default position as I will do the childcare while he brings home the money. It's frustrating and it's exhausting, but he is by no means an awful person or "waste of space". He is kind, caring, and a good Dad when he's at home. My issue is simply that he is not home often enough.

There are umpteen posts on here daily about abusive horrible men. My DP is a million miles from this. He just needs a reality check with regard to family priorities.

Thanks for the input everyone.

OP posts:
Mally100 · 29/05/2022 21:46

The crux of it is that he is carrying on as if he doesn't have a toddler. It's It's left up to you. Working overtime is fine, not giving your family/wife a schedule of this is not. Your 15min in the morning is fully packed, while he is cruising around just seeing to himself. And it's not ok to only make the time to do activities with the older kids, the toddler needs time as well. Seems like he is extremely selfish, you need to have a firm conversation about how you feel and this isn't acceptable to you anymore. You might as well be a single parent and not have the added stress of a useless partner disappointing you and your DC all the time.

Mumoftwoinprimary · 29/05/2022 21:49

He is just extremely work orientated and tends to see the default position as I will do the childcare while he brings home the money.

Except that’s not true. He doesn’t bring home the money. You do. You earn more than him working 4 days a week. The only way he can match your salary is by working 60 hours a week.