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Original poster

6 weeks later he's on a dating app

65 replies

ToTheNextChapter · 29/05/2022 02:21

H and I separated 6 weeks ago after 21 years together. We still speak at least every other day as we have a young daughter and things have generally been amicable. The messages he's sent me as recent as last weekend indicated that he wanted to give us another go although I didn't think this was a good idea.

I discovered last night that he's on Tinder. I feel so utterly humiliated and angry with him. We aren't officially together anymore but I thought he'd have had more respect for the years we spent together.

Am I being unfair? I wouldn't even consider anything like a dating app at present, i am trying to heal from our split and couldn't think of anything worse 😞

OP posts:
fallfallfall · 29/05/2022 02:24

maybe it's a coping mechanism and not a reflection of you're past relationship.
i can see other people suggesting this as a way to get over or move on, so it may not genuinely be a sign of how he feels about your past history together.

Theonlywayisup11 · 29/05/2022 03:18

He’s probably just trying to give himself something to distract him. I can imagine he is missing you a lot and the pain of being lonely is making him crave affection. If you have said that you don’t want to give it another go with him, then he is likely just starting to think that he will have to move on at some point and will see how he feels if he meets someone else. I would bet money on it that it just makes him miss you even more and it’s certainly not a reflection on his time spent with you in your marriage.

HeadOnShoulders · 29/05/2022 03:37

YABU. Once you split you can't expect the other party not to move on.

Eesha · 29/05/2022 06:19

I do believe men rush to move on very quickly after breakups. He will then meet someone and faff around about wanting you both. Women on the whole tend to take the time to fix themselves and be in a better position to date.

youngwildandni · 29/05/2022 06:28

As some pp have said, he's maybe just lonely/ craving some attention or something to take his mind off the split? And I may be wrong here, but isn't Tinder a very casual app? He may literally just be messing around with no intention of actually doing anything with it, he couple be just after a confidence boost or quite literally seeing what's out there?

lickenchugget · 29/05/2022 06:55

Yabu, men move on quickly. You can’t unilaterally decide how he must ‘respect the years you had together’. Concentrate on yourself, heal, keep your head up and look forwards.

AuntieStella · 29/05/2022 07:05

He asked for another try, you turned him down

Yes, you are unfair in projecting your ideas about what he should be doing. Personally, I agree with you about taking time to take stock before moving on. But that doesn't mean everyone thinks like that. And you don't have to give his thought patterns any of your consideration any more, so don't waste time on giving you 'respect' label to his actions now. It's not relevant and won't help you

thedancingbear · 29/05/2022 07:09

So you've kicked him out, and now want to try to stop him moving onto a new relationship?

Try reversing the sexes on this one and see how it looks.

GreenFingeredNell15 · 29/05/2022 07:18

Yes you're being unfair

Andromachehadabadday · 29/05/2022 07:21

I was on tinder within weeks of leaving my exh. It’s no reflection in the marriage or ‘years spent together’. It’s 2 completely separate things.

I found it more entertaining than anything. In the end I didn’t actually meet up with anyone from it and decided tinder want for me.

But it was absolutely non of exhs business. We weren’t together and how I chose to spend my free time post split was up to me.

sammylady37 · 29/05/2022 07:27

Of course you’re being unreasonable. You’ve split up. He can deal with that however he chooses to do so. It’s none of your business if he’s now on a dating site. The relationship is over and you’ve told him you don’t want to try again. So he’s moving on. Good for him.

Casper10 · 29/05/2022 07:41

Hi OP. I wouldn't worry about it. After a 21 year relationship it's very disorientating and he probably doesn't really know how he feels or what he wants.

Not sure I entirely agree with this men move on quickly and women take time. I think the difference is women already know who's next whereas men don't.

cabansunset · 29/05/2022 08:05

Men tend to move on at lightening speed. Idiots.

Take the time to focus on yourself and heal, look after yourself.

girlmom21 · 29/05/2022 08:24

You don't want him but don't want anyone else to have him either.
Leave him be.

ShandaLear · 29/05/2022 09:22

He’s not doing anything wrong. He’s not in a relationship so he can date whoever he wants.

WombatNo12 · 29/05/2022 09:26

He's fancying a quick shag?

It's not a marriage bureau. He may have moved on in his head ages ago. You didn't split up for no reason, presumably?

GreenClock · 29/05/2022 09:31

My ex husband and I both dated quite soon after we broke up. Other people are still unready a year later. Horses for courses.

Anon1717 · 29/05/2022 09:53

If you don't want to be with him, you need to let him move on if he is single.

I have an ex (he broke up with me at the end of Feb this year) who recently berated me for going on two dates. He has no interest in being with me, but was angry I was moving on. That's about ego.

BiscoffSundae · 29/05/2022 09:56

Loving all the comments saying he is only on there for an ego boost and to have a look 🙄 no he is after a shag, not really your business though tbh considering you broke up with him and ime men do move on quicker.

sammylady37 · 29/05/2022 10:05

BiscoffSundae · 29/05/2022 09:56

Loving all the comments saying he is only on there for an ego boost and to have a look 🙄 no he is after a shag, not really your business though tbh considering you broke up with him and ime men do move on quicker.

And so what if he is just after a shag? He’s a single man, nothing wrong with wanting a ride.

BiscoffSundae · 29/05/2022 10:07

sammylady37 · 29/05/2022 10:05

And so what if he is just after a shag? He’s a single man, nothing wrong with wanting a ride.

Show quote history

OMG did I say there was anything wrong with it?! quite the opposite in fact, I said it’s not the ops business given he is single, my comment was to the people saying he’s only on there to distract himself and to have a look, how naive! Maybe read properly hey

Original poster
ToTheNextChapter · 29/05/2022 10:08

Wow thanks for your replies, I'm glad I asked as I'm seeing it from his point now.

It was a mutual decision to separate and he offered to move out so I certainly didn't kick him out. I discovered he'd been having an emotional affair for 6 months and we just weren't happy together anymore.

I'm just shocked how soon he's put himself out there that's all, I can't help feeling very hurt.

OP posts:
madasawethen · 29/05/2022 10:27

He wants to find someone to shag while keeps talks to you.

Join some meetups for a hobby or something so you can talk to some men. Even if you aren't ready to date, it's nice to get out and socialise some.

ErinAoife · 29/05/2022 10:29

My ex husband after 25 years together was already in a new relationship three after our breakup.

cigarettesNalcohol · 29/05/2022 10:30

He's probably just looking for easy sex. Men are generally better than women at separating their feelings from casual sex.