6 weeks later he's on a dating app

[ToTheNextChapter]

H and I separated 6 weeks ago after 21 years together. We still speak at least every other day as we have a young daughter and things have generally been amicable. The messages he's sent me as recent as last weekend indicated that he wanted to give us another go although I didn't think this was a good idea.

I discovered last night that he's on Tinder. I feel so utterly humiliated and angry with him. We aren't officially together anymore but I thought he'd have had more respect for the years we spent together.

Am I being unfair? I wouldn't even consider anything like a dating app at present, i am trying to heal from our split and couldn't think of anything worse 😞

The circumstances of the split are important. If you initiated it, you have no right to be upset. If he did, I would be angry too, and very suspicious. Either way, it's not your issue any more

I'm impressed.

Took my XH about 6 days, and 6 months to shack up with her!

It's a total headfuck, especially when they've been trying to convince you to make a go of things, but that's just blokes unfortunately.

I find that a weird way to look at it.

Sounds like you are suggesting that people can’t have sex without a meaningful ongoing romantic relationship?

I can’t understand the thinking that if you have sex with someone within a certain time of a relationship ending, that it must mean people don’t mean anything. What’s the cut off? How long should you wait to prove people have meaning to you?

Cant imagine how many people someone would need to sleep with to be a blur, either. Or how anyone would have that many actual relationships someone would need to have for them to be a blur. I have never met anyone whose past partners are a blur.

I expect some don’t want to be alone. But that also doesn’t mean that people don’t mean anything to them.

You misunderstood.
I meant sex or relationships.
Or sex and relationships.
I don’t care what they do or don’t do.
I meant number of people.

After awhile do the peope even actually matter?

You have broken up, so he is free to do whatever he likes, for whatever reason. You are being unreasonable, however 21 years is a long time, and it is not uncommon for one person to come back and ask to try again, though if he was having emotional affair’s it is probably the right thing that he is on tinder rather than with you.

Don’t understand why op is getting a hard time on here.

Of course anyone would feel upset that their ex partner is looking for someone else five mins after breaking up. Especially after a long relationship and when they are actively trying to get back with you ( sounds completely insincere if they are on a dating app!) That is hurtful.
it sounds like he was also looking around when they were together, which played into the split
OP I would feel similar, even if MN judges you’re not ‘allowed’ to have any feelings, expectations or thoughts after breaking up with someone.

Ziggazagga Don’t understand why op is getting a hard time on here.

A new man is freely available on the market! All is fair in love and war?

I can see why you feel hurt, like you're being replaced straight away or that he's moved on really quickly but as others said everyone copes differently and this is how he's decided to do that. Also, gently, it's not really any of your business. Focus on looking after yourself not what he's up to.

BTW how did you find this out? If someone told you then you need to ask people not to give you updates.

I'm surprised you're surprised tbh, especially as he'd already been having an emotional affair and you'd caught him on Tinder before. If being still in a marriage didn't deter him ftom doing those things, it's hardly likely he'd lose any time now that you've separated.

It's totally understandable that you'd find it hurtful, but not everybody needs time to move on, and not everybody would see the need to hang back for a certain amount of time or why it might be considered respectful to do so.

It sounds as if he stepped away from taking your marriage seriously long before the split, what with the 'emotional affair' and joining Tinder when he was still married. You're well rid to be honest.

He'd been having an affair while he was with you, so it's not really so shocking that he'd be on a dating app now that you're not OP

Sorry to be blunt, I know it's horrible but men generally go looking for that next ego boost so tend to rush off to find attention from somewhere. It's all a bit sad but there's nothing you can do about it.

Stop engaging in any conversation that isn't about your daughter and spend some time focusing on yourself for a bit

He just needs to stick his dick into something again.
Sorry to be blunt, but this is most men’s view on women.
Sex and somebody to do the chores/emotional labour.
Love doesn’t really enter their minds.

Oh for god's sake. Are you 12?

He'd been having an affair while he was with you, so it's not really so shocking that he'd be on a dating app now that you're not OP

Good point - it's been 6 weeks for you, but somewhere over 6 months since he disengaged emotionally

No,
I’m an actual grown-up with eyes wide open.