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Original poster

6 weeks later he's on a dating app

65 replies

ToTheNextChapter · 29/05/2022 02:21

H and I separated 6 weeks ago after 21 years together. We still speak at least every other day as we have a young daughter and things have generally been amicable. The messages he's sent me as recent as last weekend indicated that he wanted to give us another go although I didn't think this was a good idea.

I discovered last night that he's on Tinder. I feel so utterly humiliated and angry with him. We aren't officially together anymore but I thought he'd have had more respect for the years we spent together.

Am I being unfair? I wouldn't even consider anything like a dating app at present, i am trying to heal from our split and couldn't think of anything worse 😞

OP posts:
catfunk · 29/05/2022 10:34

Surprised it took him this long tbh. Most guys would do this, he's probably excited at the prospect of having sex with new people.
Mine did after about a week, it made me feel sick but none of my business.

Flanner · 29/05/2022 10:36

How did you discover he was on tinder? Were you on it?

Oblomov22 · 29/05/2022 10:44

Lots of men do this, move on really quickly. Many women find this hurtful. It seems to happen a lot.

PollyDarton1 · 29/05/2022 11:27

Me and my ex split in September and I met someone I dated briefly around January, which ex found out about. I was apparently cheapening the relationship we had, showed he meant nothing to me etc.

When he found out I had met someone he went instantly online and has been in a relationship for 4 months and moved in/introduced kids within 8 weeks despite saying I had to wait 4-6 months before I made any introductions.

When we split briefly before he was already on dating sites before he'd chucked me and our DS out of the house - met her a week later.

At the end of the day if you've split, yes it's more common (and sensible) to take time to process it, but you have no say on what he does with his time. It hurts and that's understandable though.

PollyDarton1 · 29/05/2022 11:51

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Original poster
ToTheNextChapter · 29/05/2022 12:57

Flanner · 29/05/2022 10:36

How did you discover he was on tinder? Were you on it?

My friend joined and saw him on there within half an hour 😞

OP posts:
AchatAVendre · 29/05/2022 12:57

He just couldn't wait, could he? In view of his emotional affair, I'm afraid I'd be of the opinion that he was thinking about doing this through the marriage. "Most guys" don't do this. Many wouldn't.

user1471517095 · 29/05/2022 12:59

My friend recently split with her husband. 5 weeks later she was on a dating app. After a week she was sleeping with him. So is she in the wrong? Or is it only when a man does it that it's bad?

Original poster
ToTheNextChapter · 29/05/2022 12:59

I did find out that he'd joined last December when we were going through an incredibly difficult time. He told me he'd done it out of curiosity and deleted it the same day. Seems he's reactivated his account pretty quickly.

OP posts:
Original poster
ToTheNextChapter · 29/05/2022 13:02

user1471517095 · 29/05/2022 12:59

My friend recently split with her husband. 5 weeks later she was on a dating app. After a week she was sleeping with him. So is she in the wrong? Or is it only when a man does it that it's bad?

I guess each to their own when it comes down to it, and I see I have no say in what he does anymore. Personally speaking the thought of dating absolutely terrifies me and this is all so raw I couldn't imagine being ready for a very long time. He's all I've known since I was 20 😞

OP posts:
Tiredandfedup22 · 29/05/2022 13:05

I'm in a very similar position to you and it hurts like hell.

I think it's gross to be honest, male or female, but it's a reflection on him, not you.

It is just a distraction too.

AchatAVendre · 29/05/2022 13:08

user1471517095 · 29/05/2022 12:59

My friend recently split with her husband. 5 weeks later she was on a dating app. After a week she was sleeping with him. So is she in the wrong? Or is it only when a man does it that it's bad?

Oh fgs, this post isn't about your random friend that you've dug out, its written by one person who happens to be a woman. Try to stay on point.

AlternativePerspective · 29/05/2022 13:09

It’s fairly standard on here for people to advise OP’s to get out there and start dating after a split.

Regardless of the reasons, fact is you’re not together any more, so what he does isn’t your business or concern.

ILoveAnOwl · 29/05/2022 13:15

I've decided to take a very similar situation that is happening to me as a compliment. Obviously my STBXH enjoyed our marriage so much, he's decided to replicate it as much as posdible.

LoekMa · 29/05/2022 14:46

I mean he is single.

Did you expect him to not date until you were mentally ready for it? Yeah, thats not how breakups work.

sammylady37 · 29/05/2022 15:00

I guess each to their own when it comes down to it, and I see I have no say in what he does anymore

there’s a hint of surprise in your comment “I see I have no say in what he does anymore”… it’s as if you needed posters here to actually tell you that. Did you actually think you had a say in what he does after your relationship has ended? Do you think he ‘has a say’ in what you do?

stepuporshutup · 29/05/2022 15:03

AuntieStella · 29/05/2022 07:05

He asked for another try, you turned him down

Yes, you are unfair in projecting your ideas about what he should be doing. Personally, I agree with you about taking time to take stock before moving on. But that doesn't mean everyone thinks like that. And you don't have to give his thought patterns any of your consideration any more, so don't waste time on giving you 'respect' label to his actions now. It's not relevant and won't help you

This

IheartJKRowling · 29/05/2022 15:09

It's not just men. I was OLD the week after my 22 year marriage broke up. The split was coming for a long time and I knew I was never going back so didn't see the sense in waiting. I had some great fun and don't regret it for a minute.

He can do what he wants now the relationship is over and I am surprised you think you get to still get to comment.

DontBlameMe79 · 29/05/2022 15:12

You re not being unreasonable to be upset, it’s pretty poor form to do it so quickly after so long together. My demeanour with him would become very frosty and I wouldn’t be very cooperative on any divorce arrangement that are left.

LoekMa · 29/05/2022 15:33

My demeanour with him would become very frosty and I wouldn’t be very cooperative on any divorce arrangement that are left.

Heres to hoping he takes the same approach. Everyone should look out for their best interests when a divorce happens. I dont see why he should walk around on eggshells, if she becomes frosty so should he.

Its not as if he did something worth punishing but if thats OP's opinion, hope he is smart enough to see through it ans adjust his behaviour accordingly.

AllAloneInThisHouse · 29/05/2022 15:35

OT, but, Do people even mean anything to thise who jump from relationship to relationship (or just hook-up)?

AllAloneInThisHouse · 29/05/2022 15:35

*these people who

Andromachehadabadday · 29/05/2022 15:49

ToTheNextChapter · 29/05/2022 13:02

I guess each to their own when it comes down to it, and I see I have no say in what he does anymore. Personally speaking the thought of dating absolutely terrifies me and this is all so raw I couldn't imagine being ready for a very long time. He's all I've known since I was 20 😞

Show quote history

So the fact that you aren’t ready isn’t out of respect for him. It isn’t because he meant a lot to you and you can’t move on.

You are nervous of doing something you haven’t done for a while - Date. Just because you are nervous about it, doesn’t mean everyone is. Or that everyone doesn’t want to just over come that asap, if they nervous.

But if that’s your reason, I don’t see why that means the relationship meant more to you or your are respecting the relationship more.

Andromachehadabadday · 29/05/2022 15:50

AllAloneInThisHouse · 29/05/2022 15:35

OT, but, Do people even mean anything to thise who jump from relationship to relationship (or just hook-up)?

I don’t actually understand the question.

Why would sleeping with it dating after a relationship ends, mean that people don’t mean anything to someone?

AllAloneInThisHouse · 29/05/2022 15:57

Andromachehadabadday · 29/05/2022 15:50

I don’t actually understand the question.

Why would sleeping with it dating after a relationship ends, mean that people don’t mean anything to someone?

Show quote history

I don’t know how to make it any clearer.
If someone just have sex with, and/or has been in many relationships, do people actually mean anything to them?

Or are the just random human shaped thing to fill the hole with?

And to add an question: Are these people even capable of being alone?
Or do they just have to have someone, anyone, so they don’t have to be alone.

If you’re with (sex or relationship, back to back) many people, surely they become just a blur.