Way to move forward with husband? Angry and tired.

[knackered81]

How do I speak to my husband about these issues without it turning into a massive row. I don't want a huge row. I want us to be harmonious (as we were before DC) but I also want to be clear on my boundaries and communicate how I'm feeling.

Long story short, he works long hours, toddler DC at nursery part-time, I work part-time and look after DC and home. I usually do bedtimes by myself as DH doesn't get home till afterwards. We used to have allocated tasks but DH has stopped doing some of his as he has been working long, but then sometimes he's forgotten even when he hasn't been working. Eg dishwasher and bins are his domain, but I've done them all- just an example. It's all the little things that infuriate me. He put out some recycling this morning but just left a massive box and dumped it on top of the wheelie bins instead of folding it down to fit inside. The bin men don't take it like that. He also put a bag of normal rubbish in the recycle. Is it just laziness? If I say anything I feel like he thinks I'm nagging. Towels and socks left everywhere. He took toddler to the park this morning but it took me to get them out the door packing bag, snacks etc as DH seemingly couldn't do it by himself without a lot of faff.

Yesterday morning his shirt was crumpled and there were no other clean ones. He has a meeting. He tells me this as a neutral statement, like there's an underlying suggestion I'm somehow responsible for dealing with this issue. I said it'll need an iron, but why hadn't DH done it? He had been sat scrolling on his phone whilst DC ate porridge and could have done it then. Instead what happens? DH goes up to shower i and iron the shirt. I know.

Last night he said he would try to be home for DC bath, and I said yes please, because it gets so lonely doing it all during the week and DC want to see their dad too. Then he texted saying he was delayed and wouldn't be home, but he arrived 2 minutes after I'd finished putting DC down. He then chilled out last night, but this morning says he has to work 4 hrs this weekend since he came home early last night and didn't finish.

Last night I was tired from the week and annoyed about a lot of the load falling on me. He started saying he was going to a meeting in Berlin next week but it could all be done in a day, just letting me know. However he then said he's going to ask work to book him an overnight so he doesn't have to get up too early on the day! The meeting is at 1pm in Berlin.

I was so annoyed it didn't once occur to him that I might prefer him not to do an overnight if he doesn't need to, and also that it didn't occur to him that then he'd miss another bedtime and breakfast time with his DC?

Every time he works long hours I pick up the slack. I get that's the deal - he works in a well paid hardworking industry to support his family. And he really does work hard to give him his dues. But I feel he doesn't acknowledge the impact on me. I have sacrificed my career building and lost touch with my professional network since motherhood and Covid. I am doing drudgery all day to support us but I feel he doesn't get it.

I wasn't at my best last night (tired and pissed off) and neither was he. We probably both said things we regret. I was sniffy and said I'd love an overnight stay in a hotel and a meeting in Berlin. He replied he'd like to see me try. I pushed him and asked exactly what he meant. I said I'm trying to get back into my work (which isn't as well paid as his) and he said "well I chose a career that is well paid- I made a practical decision" - as if being a nurse, teacher, carer etc or anything lower paid isn't "practical". I stopped the conversation before I flew off the handle at him and went to bed.

Anyway sorry for the rant. Has anyone else experienced this? I'm going out with him for some supposed quality couple times tonight so I guess we will need to clear the air.

How to I discuss all this with him without turning into a huge raging row? I'm angry but I don't know if it's right to be, or if part of my anger is because my career stalled and I'm not a lover of the toddler stage of parenting.

Anyway as evidenced by this post my head is all in a confuddle, so I'd appreciate some words of wisdom.

Thank you!

Sounds like he’s checking out of family life.

You need to come at it in a ‘how can we’ solve this, not let it look like you’re having a go.
But to be honest, resentment is a relationship killer. If he doesn’t step up and change you need to think about what you are prepared to put up with.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. What is in this for you still?.

What is the point of him?. He is the Big Man going out to work whilst you're at home skivvying away day and night for him. He sees everything in that house chores wise as your job and your job alone. He is displaying deliberate incompetence here by not doing the recycling properly; he thinks if done badly enough you'll take that on too. He does not behave this incompetently at work because if he did he'd be out on his ear.

Counselling for yourself alone may be helpful here, I doubt very much if he'd go and even if he did you would not get much of a say in those sessions.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?.

Maybe a raging row is what you need, rather than you meekly ironing his shirt and picking up all the slack.

im sorry but he sounds like an asshole! He’s taking all you do for granted, purely because of the fact he’s got a well paid job. It’s like he knows you’re “trapped” career wise, being part timer and looking after DC so he thinks it gives him free pass to do fuck all.

Sadly, if he chooses to play stupid and completely ignore his duties around the house and neglect his time with DC, there’s nothing you can do but leave.

Did you discuss it prior to having kids?

Stop doing stuff for him like the ironing.

He doesn't respect you.

Can you go away for a night one weekend. Tell him (don't ask) and let him find out exactly what you do.

OK, so maybe try to cut out all the 'muddle' part by focusing on the actual 'main' issue for YOU.

Is it the housework 'load' ?
Is it the lack of 'you' time ?
Is it the lack of care/concern from him ?
Is it the lack of adult stimulation etc you got at work ?
Is it the lack of 'focus' for you now i.e lack of career kind of 'focus' ?

What is the No1 bug bear for YOU ?

Start with addressing that first, and stick to ONLY that issue for now.

Basically, take your problems one at a time ?

You shouldn't be ironing like that if he is taking you for granted.
As he is so well paid, could he pay for a cleaner to lighten the load?
Then he could start on his attitude adjustment. Whatever you do, don't have another child with him

Well, he doesnt value you at home or what your work is. He thinks supporting his family means purely financially and no other type of support is required. He is also adding to your load by not looking after himself sufficiently. And if he does insist financiallyis the only value or controbution, is is contributing to your pension to offset the shortfall of being part-time? Is he makimg investments in your name as well as his? What about the child’s savings and investments.

I have sacrificed my career building and lost touch with my professional network since motherhood
this needs to end. You need to start looking at going back full-time and progressing your career. That will require having a meeting with your dh to discuss how you BOTH look after your child in that case. You will BOTH need to alter working patterns.

I'm sorry but it is laziness and basically he believes that everything in the house is your responsibility like it's the 1950s.
My ex husband wouldn't have dared to ask me why he didn''t have a shirt ready for work it would have led to WW3.
Trouble is you can't not have an argument about this - he knows full well he is shirking his responsibilities and is then accusing you of "nagging" if you bring it up - this accusation being the age old way of putting you in your place and letting you know that they are not responsible for "womens work". Why on earth did you iron that shirt? You should have let him do it and be late for work that's his problem not yours.
You need to come down hard on this and there is no way of everyone being besties while this is going on.
You are not a maid and his work clothing is his responsibility. Unless this gets sorted now you will be doing everything for the rest of your life and will probably eventually divorce him when the resentment explodes.
They all try it on at some point and any arguments will not be your fault - put the blame where it belongs on the lazy husband with backward views on what women do.

The thing is part time work is a benefit for him as well as you wanting to spend extra time with the children - you take on an extra load of children, housework, etc etc so there's less for him to think about and he can just go to work and concentrate on bringing in the money.

The deal with it though is that he should recognise that. That you work hard in the home and he works hard out of the home and you're both contributing. And in the evenings and weekends you split the domestic jobs.

However his attitude now seems to be that everything home related is your job and you are the skivvy.

So PT work is no longer the positive for you that it used to be. It's drudgery, you feel taken for granted, you don't get any down time or appreciation. He takes advantage of you being 'default carer' and takes no responsibility for looking after his children - booking an overnight without consultation or agreement and gets pissy when you point it out.

He's not going to change unless you make it change OP. So back to FT work for you and marriage counselling because he needs to step up in the home and with the children.

This is the issue. I feel like I need to list examples, (eg cardboard box in recycling) or else he doesn't get it, but then it does just come out like a list of nags.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. What is in this for you still?.

Right now it's tough. It's especially tough when his work is extra busy and hard. When his work has had easier patches, or when we are on holiday it's lovely. We don't fight and we are harmonious. We both adore our DC and love to spend time travelling as family.

We actually spoke a couple of months ago and recommitted to each other during that convo. As in, we openly discussed what we wanted, and both shared the same vision of bring together with our DC.

But everyday life feels hard right now.

Go back full-time to your career, and pay a housekeeper/mothers help to do the household stuff neither of you enjoy?

Mr Big Shot at work but at home he can’t figure out how to pack some snacks and get his toddler out to the park? I can’t imagine he’s as sloppy at work as he is at putting the recycling out, doing only half a job?

I agree with a PP, fuck ironing his shirt for him, he’s treating you like a total mug and you’re letting him. Time to start thinking about what exactly you get out of this relationship.

Thank you, this is helpful. Aside from my career (which is down to me to kickstart again - husband is supportive of this if not supportive around the home), the main thing that jumped out from this list was the lack of care and consideration from DH towards me.

He’s been a cheeky fucker OP and it ends in a row because he knows it.

I’d be surprised if he was supportive of you working full time and working in your career if it means he has to step up, be a father and actually take an active role as a parent (which also means him making some compromise and maybe not doing everything he wants at work)

Go for what you want to do in your life, if he earns a good salary then paying for full time childcare shouldn’t be a barrier. Don’t see it as not worth it just because it would cost the same as your salary or whatever. Give him the choice to either take responsibility or you outsource it. If you were on your own you would get the childcare paid for you through UC, maintenance, breaks at the weekend etc and doubt he’d be better off either. Stop being a martyr as it sounds like a lot of probably being lost in an atmosphere of resentment and misunderstanding. Go back to your career or whatever it is you need, assert what you want (whilst obviously being fair) and think you’ll probably both be much happier

He can't be arsed.
See how he manages his high flying job when he's wrangling sole care of his Dc 24/7 half of every week if you split.
Remind him of that possibility.

“the main thing that jumped out from this list was the lack of care and consideration from DH towards me.”

I think you hit the nail on the head @knackered81 .

It's difficult but you need to stop picking up his slack. Leave the recycling and express mild surprise when it's not picked up, let him pack for his own park visit.

Basically it's really tough when they're young. I remember that feeling when I realised that DH would generally prioritise himself over the family ( and he's much better than your one sounds).

Try to detach a bit emotionally if you can ( sadly it's hard to reconnect). At the moment you aren't a team and he'll let you pick up as much of his grunt work as you're prepared to do so.

Start going out and leave him to parent solo. It will teach him how to do it, but also build the bond with his DD.

You need to start looking at going back full-time and progressing your career. That will require having a meeting with your dh to discuss how you BOTH look after your child in that case. You will BOTH need to alter working patterns.

This.

Now having a chat with my dh has never worked.
What I found is helping is to not say anything at all. But to NEVER EVER step in when he is doing something that is his responsibility but is doing it badly.

Clothes are on the floor and not washed/ironed? His issue. Just say ‘hmm’ or ‘oh. Ok’ and leave him to it. Do NOT iron his shirt, put the socks in the wash etc… (I don the same with the teens btw)
He leaves the box in the top of the bin. Leave it but unsure he is the one to bring the bin back to the house and has to face the fact it hasn’t been picked up. If he moans, don’t comment. hum hum is plenty.
He is getting ready to go to the park? great! I’ll be <insert whatever activity including reading a book etc..> and leave him to it.
He isn’t emptying the dishwasher? Same. Think back about the lazy students at Uni halls who were doing only the minimum. Like no clean plates, I’ll only wash the one I need. And let him do it when he comes back.

It is going to b a mess in the house for a while but the more you do, the less he is going to do. You moaning isn’t going to help. He is going to have to face the consequences of his actions for anything to change.

@rookiemere is right. He is prioritising himself over and above anyone else and is jumping at the opportunity to do as little as possible (like a lazy teenager).
He hasn’t stepped up into becoming a father but rather he is avoiding being a father at all cost (incl using work as an excuse to never been at home in the evening before bed time).

He might or he might not grow out if it. But he won’t if you facilitate everything for him. Stop coming to his rescue.