Way to move forward with husband? Angry and tired.

[knackered81]

How do I speak to my husband about these issues without it turning into a massive row. I don't want a huge row. I want us to be harmonious (as we were before DC) but I also want to be clear on my boundaries and communicate how I'm feeling.

Long story short, he works long hours, toddler DC at nursery part-time, I work part-time and look after DC and home. I usually do bedtimes by myself as DH doesn't get home till afterwards. We used to have allocated tasks but DH has stopped doing some of his as he has been working long, but then sometimes he's forgotten even when he hasn't been working. Eg dishwasher and bins are his domain, but I've done them all- just an example. It's all the little things that infuriate me. He put out some recycling this morning but just left a massive box and dumped it on top of the wheelie bins instead of folding it down to fit inside. The bin men don't take it like that. He also put a bag of normal rubbish in the recycle. Is it just laziness? If I say anything I feel like he thinks I'm nagging. Towels and socks left everywhere. He took toddler to the park this morning but it took me to get them out the door packing bag, snacks etc as DH seemingly couldn't do it by himself without a lot of faff.

Yesterday morning his shirt was crumpled and there were no other clean ones. He has a meeting. He tells me this as a neutral statement, like there's an underlying suggestion I'm somehow responsible for dealing with this issue. I said it'll need an iron, but why hadn't DH done it? He had been sat scrolling on his phone whilst DC ate porridge and could have done it then. Instead what happens? DH goes up to shower i and iron the shirt. I know.

Last night he said he would try to be home for DC bath, and I said yes please, because it gets so lonely doing it all during the week and DC want to see their dad too. Then he texted saying he was delayed and wouldn't be home, but he arrived 2 minutes after I'd finished putting DC down. He then chilled out last night, but this morning says he has to work 4 hrs this weekend since he came home early last night and didn't finish.

Last night I was tired from the week and annoyed about a lot of the load falling on me. He started saying he was going to a meeting in Berlin next week but it could all be done in a day, just letting me know. However he then said he's going to ask work to book him an overnight so he doesn't have to get up too early on the day! The meeting is at 1pm in Berlin.

I was so annoyed it didn't once occur to him that I might prefer him not to do an overnight if he doesn't need to, and also that it didn't occur to him that then he'd miss another bedtime and breakfast time with his DC?

Every time he works long hours I pick up the slack. I get that's the deal - he works in a well paid hardworking industry to support his family. And he really does work hard to give him his dues. But I feel he doesn't acknowledge the impact on me. I have sacrificed my career building and lost touch with my professional network since motherhood and Covid. I am doing drudgery all day to support us but I feel he doesn't get it.

I wasn't at my best last night (tired and pissed off) and neither was he. We probably both said things we regret. I was sniffy and said I'd love an overnight stay in a hotel and a meeting in Berlin. He replied he'd like to see me try. I pushed him and asked exactly what he meant. I said I'm trying to get back into my work (which isn't as well paid as his) and he said "well I chose a career that is well paid- I made a practical decision" - as if being a nurse, teacher, carer etc or anything lower paid isn't "practical". I stopped the conversation before I flew off the handle at him and went to bed.

Anyway sorry for the rant. Has anyone else experienced this? I'm going out with him for some supposed quality couple times tonight so I guess we will need to clear the air.

How to I discuss all this with him without turning into a huge raging row? I'm angry but I don't know if it's right to be, or if part of my anger is because my career stalled and I'm not a lover of the toddler stage of parenting.

Anyway as evidenced by this post my head is all in a confuddle, so I'd appreciate some words of wisdom.

Thank you!

but it took me to get them out the door packing bag, snacks etc as DH seemingly couldn't do it by himself without a lot of faff.

It sounds like there’s right or wrong on both sides.

In some examples you’ve given like the one above - you are making work for yourself and then moaning about it.

You absolutely did not need to pack a bag and sort snacks etc when DH should do this himself.
Don’t be a martyr and do things then get annoyed because you’ve done them.
Just don’t do them.

It would absolutely make sense to stay overnight in Berlin rather than do it all in one day.

You are resentful that DH gets to do these long hours and have an ‘important’ job that he is appreciated in whilst you do all of the donkey work at home.
But this isn’t his fault - he’s probably resentful that you get to stay home more than him.

My advice:
Stop doing things that he can do for himself.
If finances allow then hire a cleaner to help.
Pick your battles one at a time - if it’s his job to put the bins out and he doesn’t then call him up on it but if he does it but it’s not to your standard then don’t say anything.

If you keep listing the things he’s not doing right then it’s going to come across as nagging.

If you need more help with certain things then tell him what those things are - eg can you do the washing up from now on as I don’t have time.

He does sound very lazy and he probably doesn’t realise how much you actually do but nit picking how he puts the bins out or doing things for him isn’t going to help the situation.

This. Happens a lot with men especially when the kids are young

Thanks @Onwards22 your post makes sense.

english.emmaclit.com/2017/09/25/waiting/

english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

These feminist comics, as well as being really fun made me realise just what my ex was doing. Once I made sense of it myself I was able to explain myself more easily.
I also made him read them

Really really helpful.

Good luck OP he's being an arse

Just a slightly different view - if you want to chat things through could you look at the situation you find yourself in and ask him how he shows he loves you?

Through counselling my DH learnt my love language is acts of service . To show me he loves me he has to pull his weight at home I don’t need the words/ the gifts/ quality time or any of the other ways to show you love someone. In return he needs me to tell him he needs words of love.

I also went back to work and we outsourced as much as we could which helped me feel there was more to life than a clean home. I also lowered my standards took a long time but so worth it for a harmonious happy family.

good luck with talking it through

He sounds like my husband- my husband who has definitely checked out of our marriage and has somehow turned into a misogynistic man after we've had children. I've tried talking to mine, begging, pleading, shouting and even couples counselling. I've made so many excuses for him but know deep down we're headed for divorce.

Sigh. He’s criticising you for not working like a father, when you can’t because he won’t parent his children. Bloody patriarchy.

He is taking you for granted. He assumes that because he is working he should continue on as normal and you should run around making that easy for him. As pp said if you go back to work you will both have a problem because nothing will get done or he will still expect you to do it all and you will burn out.

He is not stopping to try and understand how it feels to be you. If he loves you and cares about you, this should matter to him.

Try to get across to him that you are feeling unhappy. What your life is like.

Continue to have defined areas of responsibility (for example in our house it's my job to prepare the DCs for going out, DH helps with specific related tasks if I ask him to - but he has his own household jobs and he does them so that's ok).

Make it clear when you are not willing to do a specific thing e.g. his ironing. As pp said don't step in to bail him out when he doesn't do his stuff.

I get you! Ever since I went on maternity leave and subsequently went part time other half does less at home. Obviously I don't mind doing a bit more at home as I am here more but my time is taken up a lot with the little one on my "days off" plus running around after the older one. He also doesn't seem to appreciate that housework has increased now we have more children.
He has made me pretty cross today as the older one had a party to go to so I have got everything sorted in terms of present etc getting her ready to go. He was in charge of dropping her off at the party, the invite has been on the fridge for ages so as well aware of the time as me. He was sat with the little one and when I made a comment that they better get going he made a comment that they were gonna be late! I mean surely he didn't need to wait for to tell him when to leave?! Honestly feel like I have to organise absolutely everything at times!

Get divorced. Your life will be instantly more peaceful.

We actually spoke a couple of months ago and recommitted to each other during that convo. As in, we openly discussed what we wanted, and both shared the same vision of bring together with our DC.

Yet last night:

I said I'm trying to get back into my work (which isn't as well paid as his) and he said "well I chose a career that is well paid- I made a practical decision"

What a clever boy he is 🙄. Has he changed his mind from a couple of months ago or is he all talk and no action?

@SantiMakesMeLaugh has good suggestions for when he expects you to pick up his slack. I understand it's easier for you to do it but all that does is reduce his respect for you even further, builds up your frustration and resentment and teaches your DC that's what relationships are like.

I agree also that going from a 'how can we solve it' POV is a good idea.

I would look to get your career going again ASAP

He's not listening to you, because he knows that if you're pissed off enough, you'll do it anyway. That's where you're going wrong.

So stop enabling his crap behaviour. And I'd make it pretty clear that if he doesn't start equal adulting, there's no place in your life for him.

You're being your own worst enemy here, but I think you know that

He likes his job because it’s high status and he gets paid well. No one gives him praise/rewards for the home stuff. I doubt he has to be there late every day - I know men who did that to avoid boring bath time etc

you need to get marriage counselling as he is taking the piss

Why not have a huge row?

So long as it doesn't get abusive, it can be a good thing, especially if you've been tuned out. Better than constant bad atmospheres or nagging.

This is my situation. Husband is a high earner in a demanding job that requires long hours and sometimes overnights away. I pick up the slack when he has a busy period, but he has to be re

I think with regards to th en shirt you shouldn't have ironed it. If it's creased it's his problem. I used to iron everything but DH would just leave stuff screwed up or not iron it himself. Shirts I'm terrible at ironing so he does them.
I just think you need to put your foot down and don't let up until he stops his shit. You're enabling him to be a wanker.

How well off are you. I would get a cleaner for a start. Then ?he/she is ironing his shirts etc You are working part time to spend time with your child - well you aren't spending time with them if you are emptying the dishwasher, sorting rubbish etc .

If he won't pull his weight which seems most unlikely - this is a way round that.
Then at least your time is more your own.

DC will be at school soon then you can have a rethink

GAH, posted too soon.

He has to be reminded about 'his' jobs when things cool off. I try to put it in terms of wanting him to still have a good bond with his child, and also that while my 'job' is enjoyable, it is also relentless

He's lazy, selfish, and has very little regard and respect for you.

You are behaving like the house skivvy, therefore you are being treated as such.

I really hope your contraception is sorted because he's unlikely to improve.

He's probably one of those guys that sits around the office bullshitting after work to avoid bed time.

Or parks down the road on his phone until he knows the coast is clear.

He's that type that has decided to do as little as possible.

Your resentment will build, you will start to despise him, fall out of love and divorce him if you are wise.

In the meantime, spend as much money necessary to get help and get back to work full-time.

Practise the phrase ‘The ironing (or whatever task) doesn’t have to be done by me just because I have a vagina’. Say it often.

stop doing it all and book a night away.

It's so effing boring having to train men to pull their weight. I had to with DH. I love him dearly but reading your thread makes me seethe with resentment for all the years I was a mug and he thought he was a saint. I stopped doing anything for him. It's years since he's assumed I'll iron a shirt or put the rubbish out if he 'forgets'. He knows I won't. I know he thinks he's a God among men for doing about 50% of the housework even though I'm the major wage earner.

I think the “I’d like to see you try” comment is very indicative of how he looks at you.
He sees himself as superior to you. You’re just the maid.

I don’t think “the big chat” works. You just have to address it at the time.
“Oh look, you forgot to finish putting the recycling out”
definitely do not step in and iron for him
ignore his efforts to pack for the park unless he asks a direct question and even then you answer where the x are, don’t get them for him. if he forgets stuff so what, he’ll muddle through.

my main concern would be him never getting home to do bedtime, how much of a relationship does he have with his toddler? If he really can’t get home in time Monday to Friday I hope he’s at least doing Saturday and Sunday?