Can’t get past it

Brknhusband · 2022-05-26T05:47:38+00:00

met my wife 25 years ago and true romance fell for her straight away , I just knew she was the one for me , she said she felt the same , been amazing ever since 2 kids etc 6 months in our relationship we was at a house party at hers and I left at 11 as had work next day , I called the house in morning and friend said she went to johns,alarm bells ring asked her about it , said she and her friend went out crashed at his , knew she was lying but let it go as of how I felt other night drunk she said glad I didn’t tell you about johns that night as frightened you’d finish with me gutted , turns out he lived two hours away on a Friday and turned up hour after I left . So a four hour round trip , she said it was a drunken mistake and it was some see was seeing before she met me 6-7 months ago , she don’t get I see it was planned. And feel she was seeing him the whole time , she said he didn’t treat her well so was I the good guy safety net truly she is my world and can’t get over the lies and the plan invoveled while I was with her she’s never given me dought since we moved intogether after a year I asked her a few times over the years about it but she swore on my life the kids life etc just feel whole relationship is tarred now sadly broken

Lex345 · 26/05/2022 06:58

I just want to ask to make sure I am reading this right-you have been married for 25 years-and this happened 6 or 7 months into the relationship?

ExtraOnion · 26/05/2022 07:03

How old were you 25 years ago? How serious was the relationship 6 months in? Were you daft teenagers ? What was the situation ? You said you fell for her straight away .. but what were her feelings in the early days ?

it was 25 year ago, you have been married & had children since then. She has given you no reason to doubt her. It sound slightly like you are looking for a reason to get out of your marriage.

You knew about it at the time, and made a choice to continue with the relationship, you can’t be bringing it up 25 years in. Have you been perfect in those 25 years ?

if this had dominated the last 25 years, you need to split up - you’ll never be able to forgive her, which will be miserable for both of you.

Original poster

Brknhusband · 26/05/2022 09:55

Yes six months in , it’s the planning and lie I can’t get round
i was 25 she was 28 so not young idiots

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Original poster

Brknhusband · 26/05/2022 09:58

I always was aware of it and put it done to a chance encounter etc , but when found he lived two hours away that don’t happen on a whim so has made me question everything from early on , I’ve been no angel but never cheated as her and kids mean too much me
don’t want to walk just want some guidance on getting through , she says it was along time ago so can’t remember which is her way of protecting me or her

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TomAllenWife · 26/05/2022 10:03

Have you had any worries since then in the marriage

I have a friend who did this, but when he proposed she told him. Which would probably have been better for you but sometimes it's just a mistake and you don't want to hurt the person you love

Watchkeys · 26/05/2022 10:04

Is she sympathetic to how you feel now or defensive? I know she's saying she can't remember, but is she doing that with love? Do you feel that she's upset that you're upset? Or that she's trying to brush off your concerns?

ElenaSt · 26/05/2022 10:06

Have you felt like this for 25 years or has the whole emotional side of it suddenly resurfaced?

baileys6904 · 26/05/2022 10:06

So you're absolutely devaluing the last 25 years for something that happened 24 and half ago????

Watchkeys · 26/05/2022 10:13

baileys6904 · 26/05/2022 10:06

So you're absolutely devaluing the last 25 years for something that happened 24 and half ago????

Sounds like you're ridiculing OP. Is that how you meant it to sound?

Jurassicparkinajug · 26/05/2022 10:18

So ypu kind of knew about this already but have just discovered he lived further away than you thought? You've lived with this for so long already, I'm not sure this new bit of information really makes any difference. It would've at the time but not so much now.

You need your wife to understand and acknowledge why you are hurting. Otherwise you won't be able to move on. Its not about just saying sorry, it's about acknowledging your feelings. You need to talk to her calmly if you can. I think you need marriage counselling. But dont throw away a good relationship on an early mistake.

Gotmynewshoes · 26/05/2022 10:29

I think it's possible it was just a one off on that night, although I realise the turmoil of emotions that not knowing causes. But you've been together for 25 years vs 6 months at the beginning. I assume you've had no reason to doubt her since. If I were you I'd try to work on your marriage. Maybe some counselling, joint and/or separate. It's a lot to throw away. When did you find out about it?

SuziSecondLaw · 26/05/2022 10:37

I feel for you, op.
Yes it was 24 years ago, but also means she lied for all of those 24 years. That's a hard pill to swallow.
I do think you need to let this go, but I understand how difficult it must be.

ExtraOnion · 26/05/2022 13:31

“I’ve been no angel” what does that mean? What has she forgiven you for over the last 24 years ?

There are lots of vows in that ceremony - fidelity is just one of them .. in your “no angel” behaviour, have you broken any of the others ?

Featuredcreature · 26/05/2022 13:49

I mean she is probably telling the truth that she doesn't remember details it was a very long time ago. I understand feeling hurt and that things weren't quite as you thought they were. However seeing as you don't want to split up, after a good long talk, there is no other choice but to move on.

At some point you will have to draw a line under it or it will divide you. Have you had a proper talk about what exactly she does remember?

Watchkeys · 26/05/2022 14:53

ExtraOnion · 26/05/2022 13:31

“I’ve been no angel” what does that mean? What has she forgiven you for over the last 24 years ?

There are lots of vows in that ceremony - fidelity is just one of them .. in your “no angel” behaviour, have you broken any of the others ?

It doesn't really matter. Marriage isn't tit for tat. We're not dealing with her state of mind here. Regardless of what OP's done, he's the one whose hurt we're answering here.

Blue4YOU · 26/05/2022 14:58

OP I feel for you. It’s horrible to think that you were just the safe bet (obviously we don’t know John but is he a player?).
Do you really feel that she chose you as second best?
If you do, perhaps marriage counselling will help you both to talk about this before you make any decisions (to stay/to go)..?

ExtraOnion · 26/05/2022 15:55

Watchkeys · 26/05/2022 14:53

It doesn't really matter. Marriage isn't tit for tat. We're not dealing with her state of mind here. Regardless of what OP's done, he's the one whose hurt we're answering here.

Show quote history

I don’t agree … forgiveness is all part of it. He can’t just played the part of “wounded no angel”. Who knows what she’s forgiven over the years ? Cheating is bad, and so are a lot of other things you can do in a relationship. He’s not got a “top trump” card of “you did this 25 years ago” poor me.

Original poster

Brknhusband · 26/05/2022 16:39

like i said it feels like its tarnished the beginning sadly

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Original poster

Brknhusband · 26/05/2022 16:41

Gotmynewshoes · 26/05/2022 10:29

I think it's possible it was just a one off on that night, although I realise the turmoil of emotions that not knowing causes. But you've been together for 25 years vs 6 months at the beginning. I assume you've had no reason to doubt her since. If I were you I'd try to work on your marriage. Maybe some counselling, joint and/or separate. It's a lot to throw away. When did you find out about it?

she told me when drunk the other night, i sort of guessed at the time but didnt realised how well planned it was , a two hour drive to collect her so was planned

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Original poster

Brknhusband · 26/05/2022 16:56

ExtraOnion · 26/05/2022 13:31

“I’ve been no angel” what does that mean? What has she forgiven you for over the last 24 years ?

There are lots of vows in that ceremony - fidelity is just one of them .. in your “no angel” behaviour, have you broken any of the others ?

not at all, like i say within a week i knew she was the one, never crossed my mind

its the thought of the planning that has broken me, one night stand with drink etc id accept as all human

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Original poster

Brknhusband · 26/05/2022 16:59

Jurassicparkinajug · 26/05/2022 10:18

So ypu kind of knew about this already but have just discovered he lived further away than you thought? You've lived with this for so long already, I'm not sure this new bit of information really makes any difference. It would've at the time but not so much now.

You need your wife to understand and acknowledge why you are hurting. Otherwise you won't be able to move on. Its not about just saying sorry, it's about acknowledging your feelings. You need to talk to her calmly if you can. I think you need marriage counselling. But dont throw away a good relationship on an early mistake.

granted but its the planning she done , apparently after not talking to some one in 6 months then suddenly they are there within a hour when they live 2 hours away , just feeling start of it was a sham sadly , i wont leave her but this has broken me

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Original poster

Brknhusband · 26/05/2022 17:00

Blue4YOU · 26/05/2022 14:58

OP I feel for you. It’s horrible to think that you were just the safe bet (obviously we don’t know John but is he a player?).
Do you really feel that she chose you as second best?
If you do, perhaps marriage counselling will help you both to talk about this before you make any decisions (to stay/to go)..?

thats the thing, she said her wasnt very nice to her so why apparently after 6 months plan all that , did it go on longer , only said it was one night as i knew about it but it just feels she telling me this to spare me which makes it worse sadly

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Original poster

Brknhusband · 26/05/2022 17:03

Featuredcreature · 26/05/2022 13:49

I mean she is probably telling the truth that she doesn't remember details it was a very long time ago. I understand feeling hurt and that things weren't quite as you thought they were. However seeing as you don't want to split up, after a good long talk, there is no other choice but to move on.

At some point you will have to draw a line under it or it will divide you. Have you had a proper talk about what exactly she does remember?

yes we have and every time the memories change funny enough, it feels like its a running lie sadly, i wont leave her cause i said she is my world but it feels like we started off as a lie, got next year 25 anniversay booked but cant face it sadly, i know it seems petty of 24 years

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Crimeismymiddlename · 26/05/2022 17:20

Put it out of your mind. It was only six months in, and you knew at the time something happened. It probably wasn’t planned ether.

Original poster

Brknhusband · 26/05/2022 17:24

Crimeismymiddlename · 26/05/2022 17:20

Put it out of your mind. It was only six months in, and you knew at the time something happened. It probably wasn’t planned ether.

im trying but you dont leave them at 11 then hes there a hour later on a friday night,
4 hour round trip
dont add up at all sadly

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