Can’t get past it

[Brknhusband]

met my wife 25 years ago and true romance fell for her straight away , I just knew she was the one for me , she said she felt the same , been amazing ever since 2 kids etc
6 months in our relationship we was at a house party at hers and I left at 11 as had work next day , I called the house in morning and friend said she went to johns,alarm bells ring asked her about it , said she and her friend went out crashed at his , knew she was lying but let it go as of how I felt
other night drunk she said glad I didn’t tell you about johns that night as frightened you’d finish with me
gutted , turns out he lived two hours away on a Friday and turned up hour after I left . So a four hour round trip , she said it was a drunken mistake and it was some see was seeing before she met me 6-7 months ago , she don’t get I see it was planned. And feel she was seeing him the whole time , she said he didn’t treat her well so was I the good guy safety net
truly she is my world and can’t get over the lies and the plan invoveled while I was with her
she’s never given me dought since we moved intogether after a year
I asked her a few times over the years about it but she swore on my life the kids life etc

just feel whole relationship is tarred now sadly

broken

Far from controlling at all , I’m too easy going if anything ,

well said .. imagine being with someone for 25 years, and still having this waved at you. Everything else you did “for better or worse” discounted. It’s must be draining.

OP you are clearly not very easy going if you are still banging on about something that happened in the early(ish) months of your relationship. Six months in is a pivotal point in any relationship. Maybe your LO wanted 'one last fling' (to get it out of her system) with the guy before 100% committing to you.

It seems to be a 'niggle' from the dim and distant past that is festering.

You sound as if you could do with some counselling to come to (long overdue) terms with what happened.

I couldn't agree with this more.

I find your obsession with this really creepy.

God knows what life your wife has with you in reality, with the way you go on about it.

This is the first time I have ever wanted to know what the other side of the story is.

You sound deeply disturbed and controlling.

Obsessing over details for 25 years, trying to catch your wife out.

I think some people who "fall in love" with someone after just meeting them ARE strange and shallow.

Why?

Because you can't possibly know the person, so it is 100% based on looks and an idea that you have quickly formed about that person.

What you describe certainly doesn't sound like a healthy love.

Divorce your wife is my advice.

Give her some well deserved peace from your obsessive behaviour, interrogations and accusations from 25 years ago.

It sounds like you have the poor woman tormented.

Sadly key board warriors don’t get it and have interpreted what I was asking appreciate all the comments
dont know don’t judge

I am married nearly 30 years and neither my husband nor myself have ever had to try and convince each other of anything on the lives of our children, repeatedly to each other.

It must be very hard to live with someone that doesn't believe you about something so long ago, who brings it up every so often and is picking apart the details.

If this has been a theme throughout your marriage, it sounds very hard to believe you have really been that happy.

Nothing keyboard warrior about it.

You are likely killing your marriage with your fundamental distrust of the woman you have spent a couple of decades with.

It sounds awful way to live, for both of you.

But you don't know what your wife did, and yet you are judging... You have invented an entire narrative and are willing to blow your family's lives up over it. I think that's what people are struggling to overcome here. And when you don't like what you hear, you've been been rude to everyone.

Far from controlling at all , I’m too easy going if anything

Then why is she repeatedly swearing on the lives of her children? Do you repeatedly swear on their lives?

I think if you’d posted this as a woman you’d get more sympathy.

I understand it feels raw as you just found something out, and it means she’s consistently lied for a long time. Deep down you knew this (hence it keeps coming up)

you’re getting a rough time as you’re a bloke.

@FloydPepper

I really disagree.

If the poster was a woman I would be advising her to focus on whether her husband had been a good man and father.

If he was she should focus on that, get a grip and move on.

I would say she must be a PITA if she is going on about this.

Either get over it or get divorced and leave the poor man in peace.

The feelings and judgement of someone 25 years ago is very different to who they are today.

A 25 year old man or woman could definitely fancy two people at the same time but see that they have different characteristics and ultimately choose one over the other on that basis.

Really not that difficult to understand.

I was a very different woman at 25 than I was at 50 and I am glad.

I was an innocent person, innocent of the harsh realities of life, sudden death, debilitating illness, children, sick children, the harsh vagaries of economic hardship.

Many of the above fortunately didn't happen to me, but they happened around me to people I care about, and that does change and mature you.

At 25 life was one great party and holiday with a busy career thrown in for me.

I was well capable of fancying more than one man at the same time, and did.

So were my friends.

I think it is very harsh to judge someone on their behaviour at the beginning of a relationship when they were very young.

Let it go, it was 25 years ago!!

She probably feels now that the incident was so unimportant to her after the initial encounter that it should also be unimportant to you too. Massive miscalculation on many people's parts, I'm afraid. She's had 24 years to understand her behaviour, and to treat it as something trivial, but to you it is like yesterday, and you find it hard to deal with. All quite normal, and why I believe no one should ever, ever, ever spill their guts to someone they love about a betrayal.

At the time you may have been madly in love with her, but she didn't feel the same at the time, but she clearly loves you now and considered your feelings for many years by keeping this a secret from you.

Just remember, she doesn't think it matters and time has made that possible. You just need to talk to her about how disappointed you feel and hurt, but be assured (unless you are one of those people who can't move on) in a years time you will have some perspective and regard it too as a trivial event that's unimportant

Who forced you to continue the relationship? You were 6 months into it, had your doubts but didnt have the backbone to speak up then and are still carrying this grudge around you A QUARTER OF A CENTURY later.

Jeez, I can only imagine what being married to you must be like.