Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Can’t get past it

63 replies

Brknhusband · 26/05/2022 06:47

met my wife 25 years ago and true romance fell for her straight away , I just knew she was the one for me , she said she felt the same , been amazing ever since 2 kids etc
6 months in our relationship we was at a house party at hers and I left at 11 as had work next day , I called the house in morning and friend said she went to johns,alarm bells ring asked her about it , said she and her friend went out crashed at his , knew she was lying but let it go as of how I felt
other night drunk she said glad I didn’t tell you about johns that night as frightened you’d finish with me
gutted , turns out he lived two hours away on a Friday and turned up hour after I left . So a four hour round trip , she said it was a drunken mistake and it was some see was seeing before she met me 6-7 months ago , she don’t get I see it was planned. And feel she was seeing him the whole time , she said he didn’t treat her well so was I the good guy safety net
truly she is my world and can’t get over the lies and the plan invoveled while I was with her
she’s never given me dought since we moved intogether after a year
I asked her a few times over the years about it but she swore on my life the kids life etc

just feel whole relationship is tarred now sadly

broken

OP posts:

Original poster

Brknhusband · 26/05/2022 17:31

i really appreciate all your comments and agree it was 6 months in, i knew something happened that night but she convinced me other wise, at the time i wasnt argue other something, since it come to light i feel she was seeing him the whole time and probably some time after , like i say too well planned , just feel like i become 2nd best sadly and whole basis is a lie, thats what im struggling with . yes been happy since on my part but now im question everything, im not over thinking it either as thats not me , sorry people x

OP posts:

Songlyrics · 26/05/2022 17:59

You say the beginning of your relationship feels tarnished now, but it seems like that's because you assumed you both had the same feelings for each other 6 months in. You excused what you knew when you thought it was a spontaneous mistake, but knowing that a bit more effort was involved is the thing that now shows you she didn't feel the same way you did back then.

It doesn't seem like the cheating is the stumbling block, but that it's realising her feelings differed to yours. As for the lies since when you've spoken about it; how many people would honestly come clean and risk ruining a long and otherwise happy marriage? Especially if she thought you might have always known but didn't want details?

billy1966 · 26/05/2022 23:10

@Songlyrics is bang on with her post.

You are massively presuming that she and you felt the same at 6 months.

Just because you weren't her everything at 6 months doesn't mean you weren't at 12.

Not everyone knows at a week.
I certainly didn't and have never known any who has.

To be honest I wouldn't want to.
Too much risk of making a big mistake.

She certainly wouldn't have stayed for 25 years if you weren't her one.

I think you can decide to rethink this from the perspective of others.

I think knowing at 6 months someone is the one is pretty soon and for many people it takes a lot longer.

Cluelessmouse · 26/05/2022 23:15

So you knew she cheated but now that you know she planned to cheat it’s not ok
and you won’t leave
but also you won’t/can’t get over it..

i think you have to decide to leave or to try deal with this. You can’t just live in misery and writing off 24.5 years. Tell her how it’s made you feel, can she counter that and show you that you’re her first choice for example.

Gotmynewshoes · 27/05/2022 01:00

Have you got your eye on someone else? The more I read, the more it sounds like you are digging for a way to get out. You are trying to say that she planned ot all, but equally he could have planned it. And if that's the case, he lost out because she chose you. Point is, you don't know, you're going with you're gremlins. Talk to her, properly. Unless you to leave. In which case, leave...

Gotmynewshoes · 27/05/2022 01:01

Want to leave...

Gotmynewshoes · 27/05/2022 01:15

But if that's not the case, you can't let yourself get destroyed by the insecurity. It's said so many times on here, once the trust is gone there is no way back. And that's not your failing.

MissStarry · 27/05/2022 01:33

Maybe he wasn’t at home when he decided to go to the party and was closer? It wasn’t necessarily planned.

I'm sorry you’re going through this; it must be really confusing and hard to process - try to see the whole relationship isn’t tarnished, you don’t sweep out 25yrs of shared life because of a drunken idiotic act 24.5yrs ago that’s only just come to light.

I’m sure you’ve been through so much together - being in love after all this time shows the truth strength as a couple.

You’re allowed to feel and be upset, but try and see it in the context of your whole life together as it was a very long times ago and try not to give it too much power now unless there’s been other times you’ve had suspicions.

MintJulia · 27/05/2022 03:17

I don't think you can say it was planned. If they were part of the same social circle, he may just have turned up. He may have been closer and called on the off-chance.

i once had someone insist I had planned something, and known someone before, He still maintains it 35 years later. He is wrong on both counts, I'd never met the man before or since,

I think, at some point you either have to let it go or end your relationship. If you don't everything in future will be soured.

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/05/2022 03:43

I think there are three things:

You feel like she settled for you but you were madly in love.
You've just found out/processed it so it seems much more recent for you than for her.
It is actually important and significant to have an origin story. They've actually done studies and found couples with a meet-cute or sweet story about their early relationship are more likely to stay married. Your sweet start got blown up. The tarnish actually is important.

You can move on from all this if you want to. You have to really want to though.

Vikinga · 27/05/2022 04:28

She married you and had kids with you. 6 months into your relationship she wasn't as serious as you were and maybe wasn't ready to settle down yet. Her relationship with him sounds toxic but that can be a pull but it doesn't last.

I've had toxic relationships and afterwards I couldn't believe what I saw in them.

She is with you because she loves you. You have been together for a long time and you've been happy, right?

Just because it wasn't an instant thing for her doesn't make your relationship second best. I usually take a long time to fall in love with someone.

You can have loved more than one person in your life.

Don't dwell on it after all these years.

Vikinga · 27/05/2022 04:33

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/05/2022 03:43

I think there are three things:

You feel like she settled for you but you were madly in love.
You've just found out/processed it so it seems much more recent for you than for her.
It is actually important and significant to have an origin story. They've actually done studies and found couples with a meet-cute or sweet story about their early relationship are more likely to stay married. Your sweet start got blown up. The tarnish actually is important.

You can move on from all this if you want to. You have to really want to though.

My ex fell in love with me when he saw me as a teen (he's the older brother of a friend). We didn't get together until 20 years later. He was controlling and emotionally and financially abusive.

My ex before that also fell in love with me instantly - cheated on me and ran up huge debts.

The more healthy relationships I've had haven't been this mad instant stuff but for example my lovely ex who was a very close friend for a year before we got together and were together for a decade. My lovely boyfriend who I took 6 months to fall in love with.

Original poster

Brknhusband · 27/05/2022 06:28

MintJulia · 27/05/2022 03:17

I don't think you can say it was planned. If they were part of the same social circle, he may just have turned up. He may have been closer and called on the off-chance.

i once had someone insist I had planned something, and known someone before, He still maintains it 35 years later. He is wrong on both counts, I'd never met the man before or since,

I think, at some point you either have to let it go or end your relationship. If you don't everything in future will be soured.

thats the thing he wasnt part of the scene,
she said they use to hook up when she went to london on the odd occasion
she says she hadnt spoke to him for 6 months etc, 2 hours away
think they were seeing each other all along and past that
thats what hurts

OP posts:

Original poster

Brknhusband · 27/05/2022 18:19

Thank you all

OP posts:

Itstimetoquit · 28/05/2022 10:19

I think your relationship will end at some point,she's lied for years and damaged the trust,no trust no relationship x

5128gap · 28/05/2022 11:18

To be blunt, there is absolutely nothing that can be done to change this. Its not a pattern of behaviour that you need her to break, it's an incident from the past she can't undo.
You need to consider the pros and cons of your two options: Leave her, or stay, and pick the one you think will be best for you. Then, in the kindest way, get on with it.
All this soul searching over something that literally nothing can be done about will do neither of you any good.

Original poster

Brknhusband · 28/05/2022 16:53

5128gap · 28/05/2022 11:18

That’s the problem I don’t know , what else has she hidden over the years and swore on kids life
feel trust has sadly gone

OP posts:

LouisCatorze · 28/05/2022 17:05

Were you in an exclusive relationship six months in though? Maybe at that point in time she was in two minds about continuing with you, the opportunity arose with the other guy and lust took its cause? It could have easily been a one-off mistake, maybe to get the guy out of her system?

It happens. And it doesn't necessarily mean she's been lying about other stuff over the past 25 years.

Imagine that at that point in time you'd been the less committed person in the relationship. You could have easily been tempted in the same situation, surely?

Original poster

Brknhusband · 28/05/2022 17:38

LouisCatorze · 28/05/2022 17:05

It happens. And it doesn't necessarily mean she's been lying about other stuff over the past 25 years.

Imagine that at that point in time you'd been the less committed person in the relationship. You could have easily been tempted in the same situation, surely?

No sadly I fell her hook line a sinker , she said she felt the same , it’s the lies I can’t cope with , said she hadn’t spoke to him for six months and then he’s there , why I don’t believe it was a one off . If it was a one night at a party then so be it but not a two one trip to pick her up then take her home
i appreciate apparently a one off but it undermines everything I’ve ever asked her through out our relationship where she swan on my life or kids life , turns round and says I don’t believe in that any way , sadly she can’t see and gets angry when I ask . Appreciate she is doing it to protect me but more I ask the more seems whole relationship started in a lie sadly

OP posts:

Samosably · 28/05/2022 17:45

I couldn’t get upset about this. You are not the same people now that you were then.

NewandNotImproved · 28/05/2022 17:56

You don’t seem to be getting much from the thread. What guidance specifically were you wanting?

Sweepingeyelashes · 28/05/2022 18:09

I despise wet men. You knew she lied and you made a choice to drop it. You supposedly made your choice then. But you don't really let it drop but asked her "a few times over the years about it but she swore on my life the kids life etc". What did you expect her to to do at that point when you were married with children? Then you discover some detail involving the amount of driving and decide it changes everything. You have been married for 25 years and had no suggestion of subsequent cheating but that's not enough for you. I have to think that your version of falling madly in love wasn't a very deep love or you would have forgiven her for this and shut your trap about it rather than picking away at it when you were never going to discover anything good.

5128gap · 28/05/2022 18:48

Brknhusband · 28/05/2022 16:53

That’s the problem I don’t know , what else has she hidden over the years and swore on kids life
feel trust has sadly gone

Show quote history

Well how many times over the years have you felt sufficiently suspicious of something she's told you for her to swear on the kids lives? In a healthy relationship I can't imagine they'd be many (any?) times when you'd have to swear something to your partner. Why would you be interrogating her?

Original poster

Brknhusband · 28/05/2022 19:37

It’s not about being wet
it’s trying to get my head straight that’s all

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/05/2022 22:29

That’s the problem I don’t know , what else has she hidden over the years and swore on kids life
feel trust has sadly gone

It's very weird to swear on your child's life once. I wouldn't do it at all ever for any reason.

Which means she's either doing a lot of things she wants to cover up, or you're asking her to swear on the children because you're controlling and untrusting.

Which is it?

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread