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Original poster

Dd at risk of permanent exclusion

65 replies

Alwaystoblame · 25/05/2022 08:12

Following on from my previous thread about Dd there is now a meeting today to decide her future at school. She has been truant twice already this week and bullying others. She was already on her final warning. The meeting is with the headteacher and this is new as normally the head of year deals with everything. If she wants to permanently exclude Dd what can I do to help Dd? She doesn't want to go to another school and I don't want her to either although it might be best. The student who is a terrible influence is also possibly going to another school and separating the two of them would be the best thing for Dd. This might be out of my hands but any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 25/05/2022 08:14

Has she been excluded before? What measures have already been taken by the school? What form did the final warning take and what year is she?

Neverendingdust · 25/05/2022 08:21

I’d say it’s probably better for the victims of her bullying that she is excluded if it’s her final warning then she’s most likely negatively impacting the school experience for others, if my child was being bullied by her I’d want her gone.

It may also benefit her too and make her understand her actions have repercussions. It must be very hard for you because you only ever want the best for your child even when they throw it back in your face. Hopefully she makes positive changes so she doesn’t stay a nightmare all through her school years. Good luck OP.

Johnnysgirl · 25/05/2022 08:24

You need to stop blaming your dd's behaviour on the influence of this other girl, for a start...
Why shouldn't she face a consequence?

Original poster
Alwaystoblame · 25/05/2022 08:24

She's year 10 and had several exclusions for truancy and fighting. She's not been living with me until the weekend and it's in the past year when she's been away from here that things have gone massively downhill. The final warning came after the fighting. I'd want her gone too if I was another parent.

OP posts:
Original poster
Alwaystoblame · 25/05/2022 08:25

She should face a consequence I agree. She's off the rails and was suicidal last week.

OP posts:
Discovereads · 25/05/2022 08:28

Have you gotten her any help/counselling? Kids that bully usually have something adverse going on in their lives that gives rise to the anger. So any sort of trauma, divorce, chaotic home life, etc.

FacebookPhotos · 25/05/2022 08:29

I think the priority for you should be getting help with her mental health. Is she under the care of a doctor for her suicidal thoughts?

Discovereads · 25/05/2022 08:30

Alwaystoblame · 25/05/2022 08:25

She should face a consequence I agree. She's off the rails and was suicidal last week.

If she’s suicidal than making her face consequences /punishment isn’t really the right way to go about it. Perhaps she should be signed off school for mental health and urgently referred to CAMHS for psychological assessment.

Ahbisto · 25/05/2022 08:33

She was already in her final warning so she knew and she simply continued the behaviour, as such, I think they need to move to exclusion, I am sorry.

on the parental side I would look to work with her to understand why she is behaving as she is, she is not a little child, so she is likely struggling and traumatised, potentially by something in her home life.

Original poster
Alwaystoblame · 25/05/2022 08:37

She is seeing camhs now after refusing previously.

OP posts:
lunar1 · 25/05/2022 08:39

Are you in a position to homeschool for GCSE's?

It sounds like exclusion is probably better for everyone, your DD included. Sending her to a new school while she is clearly unwell feels like setting her up to fail.

I wonder if the GP could sign her off school for now while her mental health is stabilised.

Discovereads · 25/05/2022 08:42

Good, then it should be more that she is signed off school for health reasons until CAMHS can help her. It keeps her out of the school protecting the other students but it holds open a place for her to return when she is better. A child can have up to a year off school for health reasons. That’s why the government pays for FT education at age 19. I’d have her signed off for rest of the year and restart her current year in September.

BoDerek · 25/05/2022 08:53

Oh boy, that is a tough place to be. Honestly her mental health needs to be the priority here and it’s great to see she is engaging with help.

Maybe she needs some time away from school to get into a better headspace.

Does she regret bullying other students? Does she know why she does it?

Lindy2 · 25/05/2022 09:05

Is she sorry for her actions or just sorry for herself because she's now in big trouble?

How she is responding to the situation may influence how things progress from here.

If she actually truly regrets bullying (and lets not beat about the bush, probably making other children's lives a complete misery) and she wants to get back to regular school attendance, then perhaps she has a chance of staying in her current school.

If she's mostly upset because she's in trouble and her feelings are all about her, then I think somewhere like a pupil referral unit is the right place for her followed by a school change. Perhaps the complete change of environment and shock of being made to change school will help her think about things going forward.

If she's not particularly willing to change then the pupils she is bullying deserve to be protected more than her.

JudgeRindersMinder · 25/05/2022 09:09

Is she sorry for her actions or just sorry for herself because she's now in big trouble?

Is this where her saying she’s suicidal is coming from? Sorry to be cynical (I see it so much in my job) but I’m not convinced she isn’t using this to manipulate the situation

Original poster
Alwaystoblame · 25/05/2022 09:29

I don't know if she's sorry but I doubt it considering I spoke to her about it at the weekend and she was back doing it via group chat yesterday. She has denied it of course and she is saying others just add her to the group but she doesn't know anything. Screenshots prove otherwise though. If she is expelled she thinks she can choose which school she goes to and that any school will be glad to have her. She's in for a shock there.

OP posts:
Discovereads · 25/05/2022 09:33

Alwaystoblame · 25/05/2022 09:29

I don't know if she's sorry but I doubt it considering I spoke to her about it at the weekend and she was back doing it via group chat yesterday. She has denied it of course and she is saying others just add her to the group but she doesn't know anything. Screenshots prove otherwise though. If she is expelled she thinks she can choose which school she goes to and that any school will be glad to have her. She's in for a shock there.

Sorry, but how do screenshots prove she was bullying? Theyre silent stills. All they prove is that she was on a group chat.

Original poster
Alwaystoblame · 25/05/2022 09:38

I have screenshots of her saying nasty things to the girl being bullied along with a voice message telling the girl to kill herself. There's no denying she's a bully. She was previously bullied by the ring leader and has since joined the bully to stop being the target herself.

OP posts:
Discovereads · 25/05/2022 09:48

Ok. I’m not denying she’s a bully. Just (still) wondering how a screenshot can prove a bullying incident.

So she’s a victim of bullying herself? And only bullies to avoid being bullied? Honestly, she needs care and understanding from a therapist to stop bullying. The sledgehammer of punishment will just put her in a corner that she may feel she has no escape from. Right now the message to “just stop bullying” will to her mean she will then become the victim of bullying again herself. Which no sane person would chose. As consequences mount up for her bullying, it will be increasingly a lose-lose situation that she may feel trapped in with no way out. Hence the suicidal ideation….you need to take her suicidal feelings seriously. You need to offer her a way out of the situation because right now it’s bully or be bullied in her world.

She needs to be off school until she has therapy and she needs to be separated from the original bully.

Original poster
Alwaystoblame · 25/05/2022 11:00

At the moment she's not prepared to give up that friendship. I can't home school her, she didn't cope with lockdown well and not being in school. She likes school, she just chooses not to behave. Years 7 and 8 were great with no problems then she went to live with her dad and everything started going wrong.

OP posts:
Johnnysgirl · 25/05/2022 11:14

If she is expelled she thinks she can choose which school she goes to and that any school will be glad to have her. She's in for a shock there.
Where on earth did she get that sort of arrogance from?!

Johnnysgirl · 25/05/2022 11:16

Based on that, I think they need to go the distance and expel her. She needs a hell of a wake up call.

Original poster
Alwaystoblame · 25/05/2022 11:17

@Johnnysgirl I suspect her father. He's made of Teflon and she thinks she is too. She's been told that she'll be going to whatever school will take her if need be. Her immediate choices won't want her there. It's such a shame as she's very bright.

OP posts:
Johnnysgirl · 25/05/2022 11:18

God, I feel for you, op 🤷🏻‍♀️

Original poster
Alwaystoblame · 25/05/2022 11:21

I haven't the energy to go into it all here again but I'm up against both her and her father. She chooses to live with him as there's no rules no boundaries no expectations. Or if he does out those in place he backs down so there's been no consequences to her behaviour now for the best part of 2 years. I'll see if I can link my other thread.

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