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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dd at risk of permanent exclusion

65 replies

Alwaystoblame · 25/05/2022 08:12

Following on from my previous thread about Dd there is now a meeting today to decide her future at school. She has been truant twice already this week and bullying others. She was already on her final warning. The meeting is with the headteacher and this is new as normally the head of year deals with everything. If she wants to permanently exclude Dd what can I do to help Dd? She doesn't want to go to another school and I don't want her to either although it might be best. The student who is a terrible influence is also possibly going to another school and separating the two of them would be the best thing for Dd. This might be out of my hands but any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
Original poster
Alwaystoblame · 26/05/2022 18:32

She's been emotionally abused by him and his now ex for years. SS kept talking to him and talking to him but then said he won't change and Dd is old enough to make up her own mind so 🤷🏼‍♀️
School gave her counselling and she refused to go. She didn't go to her camhs appointments either. Anything that requires her effort is deemed not helpful. Everything is the fault of someone else. Everyone drags her down. No one supports her. She's been on a behaviour plan, constant support from the pastoral team and head of year, I am on the phone to school or emailing daily to support her attendance, her behaviour, her homework. I've sought help from everyone I could think of: GP, school nurse, school staff, social services, camhs, educational welfare officer, I've been available to her whenever she has needed me. I've praised her, separated her behaviours from her as a person, rewarded her achievements big and small, told her I love her daily. I'm not sure how to support her from here on because she's gone back to her dad's and he constantly bad mouths me to her and I can't negate that from afar.

OP posts:
Legofigure · 26/05/2022 18:36

School gave her counselling and she refused to go. She didn't go to her camhs appointments either.

You are likely to find it is can’t engage rather than won’t.

MadameMinimes · 26/05/2022 18:52

You sound so worn down. Just keep being there for her and provide support and love. She might not be ready to engage with it yet, but she will know you are there when she is ready.

Original poster
Alwaystoblame · 26/05/2022 19:30

I am worn out. Emotionally exhausted.

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OnceuponaRainbow18 · 26/05/2022 19:47

What alternative learning provisions are near you? Or maybe hospitals Ed?

Original poster
Alwaystoblame · 26/05/2022 20:32

There's two pupil referral units. One is walking distance of a mile ish. There's another

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Original poster
Alwaystoblame · 26/05/2022 20:39

Stupid phone. There's another one about 2 miles from her dad's which would be the closest one. My friend worked at one and Dd would be out of her depth. She's been at nice schools where not much happens and where kids generally get on with their lessons and do very well. It's a very good school where she is now. The staff have been fantastic from day 1 and her work has been showcased. She already has her modern language GCSE because they do that in year 9. Schools near her dad's aren't as good, the area is quite deprived, and I think it would be a huge shock to her. There's a residential school nearby but out in the country. I don't know anything about it though. My worry now is if any decent schools will take her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Alwaystoblame · 26/05/2022 22:41

I've spoken at length with her dad today and he's decided I didn't help or defend her in the meeting and it's all my fault. The meeting he didn't bother going to choosing to work extra hours instead. The child she punched and kicked deserved it he said. With that kind of parenting everything feels hopeless for Dd.

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PonyPatter44 · 28/05/2022 11:56

The rougher PRU may just knock some sense into her - if she tries throwing her weight around with those kids, they will throw it right back, as it were! It may open her eyes into just how privileged she is, too - it did for my DD.

Sadly this just shows how poor parenting can be so detrimental to a kids life. If your DD was with you, she'd probably be fine now. But because she's consistently getting this shitty antisocial message from her moron father, she's bounding off down a very worrying path.

Johnnysgirl · 28/05/2022 12:01

Alwaystoblame · 26/05/2022 20:39

Stupid phone. There's another one about 2 miles from her dad's which would be the closest one. My friend worked at one and Dd would be out of her depth. She's been at nice schools where not much happens and where kids generally get on with their lessons and do very well. It's a very good school where she is now. The staff have been fantastic from day 1 and her work has been showcased. She already has her modern language GCSE because they do that in year 9. Schools near her dad's aren't as good, the area is quite deprived, and I think it would be a huge shock to her. There's a residential school nearby but out in the country. I don't know anything about it though. My worry now is if any decent schools will take her.

I don't understand this post, frankly.
She needs a "huge shock". Worrying about her being out of her depth in a PRU is just baffling, she's behaving outrageously in her current school and has forfeited the right to be there.
And, sorry, but stop dreaming that a decent school will take her. They won't. She's fucked that up for good.

herewithmyfrog · 28/05/2022 17:02

Another echoing that a 'decent' school won't be the right school for your DD at this stage it seems. And very unfair on the existing pupils.

I would be concentrating on finding any school which will take her. And getting support for her. Her exam results are the least of your concerns at this point.

OnceuponaRainbow18 · 28/05/2022 17:30

@herewithmyfrog

Another echoing that a 'decent' school won't be the right school for your DD at this stage it seems. And very unfair on the existing pupils.

I would be concentrating on finding any school which will take her. And getting support for her. Her exam results are the least of your concerns at this point

What do you mean? So she shouldn’t go for good or outstanding schools as it may disrupt kids there and wouldn’t be fair on them? But already struggling schools who aren’t full is ok? Disrupt the more deprived kids?!!!!!

Johnnysgirl · 28/05/2022 18:26

OnceuponaRainbow18 · 28/05/2022 17:30

@herewithmyfrog

Another echoing that a 'decent' school won't be the right school for your DD at this stage it seems. And very unfair on the existing pupils.

I would be concentrating on finding any school which will take her. And getting support for her. Her exam results are the least of your concerns at this point

What do you mean? So she shouldn’t go for good or outstanding schools as it may disrupt kids there and wouldn’t be fair on them? But already struggling schools who aren’t full is ok? Disrupt the more deprived kids?!!!!!

I think op is being advised to lower her expectations Confused
Realistically, no school will want a violent, troublesome pupil who has at best 60% attendance and who is in danger of exclusion, if not already excluded.

forlornlorna1 · 28/05/2022 18:46

I was much like your dd at her age. Violent and disruptive at school. I was moved to satans armpit of a school. On my first day there I found out there's always someone bigger and nastier than me. I was massively out of my depth.

In my case my parents were drug addicts. No rules and I was fending for myself. I'd been placed in foster care but I kept running away or just being a massive pain in the arse.

Going to that school turned my life around. That day I came home with a good beating and my foster parent told me this was what I had to look forward to for the next two years and I'd done that to myself.

I did everything I was told to get out of that place.

I didn't manage to get out but I did keep my head down and did my exams.

This might be just what your dd needs

Original poster
Alwaystoblame · 29/05/2022 14:59

@forlornlorna1 thank you for sharing your story, it has given me hope.

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