I'm so angry at my dh I don't know if there's anything I can do anymore

[papermousehouse]

In 2020 we sold our home during the stamp duty break.
I was really looking forward to getting rid of this house as it had caused a lot of problems and needed work doing to it. It was however overall nice enough and better than no home.
We have been in a rental since. When we sold my dh decided that we didn't need to worry about the stamp duty saving even though it would have really really helped us. I begged him to see houses and he refused.
Now dh keeps finding reasons not to help buy a new home, keeps saying he doesn't like this house or that and obviously it's getting much worse as the prices are rising.
.
I feel like he's taken my home away from me and dc, my security. Owning a home was something I've said before we even married was really important to me and that I just want the security of owning a home. I know it's not for everyone or some people can't but I've worked hard in life and I feel like he's taken this away from me.

I'm so angry now. Also one of our dc is coming up to secondary school age. We are now completely priced out of buying a house in our area that isn't worse than what we previously owned and I said to dh the secondary applications start soon, we need to know where we will live to allow for that. I believe we'll have to move areas now to get a house.

Again dh just sits around nodding his head and agreeing we should move but doing nothing else. I'm so tired and down about it all. I am so angry too. I don't know what to do. I feel totally alone sorting this situation out but I also can't figure out how to sort it out as the house prices have gone up by q all over our deposit and they are continuing to be sold in days. It's causing me so much stress. My job is also stressful and I want to leave but when I say this, all of sudden dh will say but what about the mortgage. I think I'm going to have to just move jobs soon and forget us ever getting a mortgage any time soon seeing as it hasn't happened but I feel so utterly trapped in this mess.

I know this is long but I just need to get it off my chest now as had another argument about when he's going to lift a finger in this situation as the most recent excuse is he's waiting for his next payrise to sort the mortgages out. That's been going on for over a month now and yet again properties are coming and going.
I am so down about it all I'm starting to give up and also very very angry at dh. I literally feel like I hate him for doing this to us not sure how to cope at all.

You sold in 2020 and moved into rented. Was there a plan at the time for this to be for the short term? Did you agree to this at the time? Did you both think that prices would go down and yet they have continued to rise. were you taking a punt that you would sell at a peak and then buy in a trough? And are you annoyed that this hasn't as yet worked out. It may be that pries will see a fall but then lending criteria will also tighten so it's not always a good strategy as you may not not be able to raise finance.

The houses that you have wanted to see, what reason does he give for not wanting to see them. Are they suitable but he is holding back or do you think he just thinks it's not worth viewing them because of certain issues?

Have you been to look at any houses with out him? Go and look for yourself, don't wait for his permission.

Why can't you go and view houses alone and speak to a mortgage adviser on your own? Yes, when it comes to actually getting the mortgage and signing papers you'll need him to do that but it seems like you're not actually doing anything either except seeing houses on the market, not viewing them, then raging at your H?

I can't deal with apathy from anyone, let alone my DH.

I'd see what you can borrow alone, and buy somewhere for you and the kids.

I have a tenant who has been looking for a new house for 7 years. I offered him the rental house at market value a few years ago & he tried to knock 40k off. It has gone up 40 k since & I just know he's now waiting for a price crash.

If you want a house, you need to sort it, no reason you can't see a mortgage provider.

He's can kicking for whatever reason. Are the finances transparent?

I think I’m terms of housing - accept that it is what it is - go and look and find a house on your own and get going on buying! The market should be slowing now.

in terms of husband - have a think about whehtet
you want him to accompany you on the move or not.

Where is the money, op?

Are you sure the money is still there?

Start to look at buying your own home with half the equity. View houses and have a conversation with a mortgage advisor.

If he's not going to even try to find something then you need to take back control if the situation

As another pp said, where's the equity, do you have access to this?

He's hiding something from you.

I would be wondering why he doesn’t want to commit to a mortgage.Is he planning to leave, and it’s easier to simply walk
away from a rental than to sell a house? Or has he blown the proceeds of the sale on a hidden vice - internet gambling perhaps?

Have you posted about this before, maybe last year?

It would be a big worry to me as to why he doesn't want a mortgage as I have yet to meet a man that doesn't prefer the status of being a home owner over living in a rental.

I wonder if he's planning to leave, perhaps when another woman he has met is willing to commit to being with him etc.

Is he normally indecisive? It's really strange to sit on so much money without a plan. Perhaps he is hoping prices will crash (but you can't know that for sure) or there is something more sinister.
For what it s worth, I totally understand your frustration.

I can't afford a mortgage alone. I work pt. I am now applying for ft work but I feel so drained by all of this.

We rented on the agreement that it would be for no longer than 6 months and went to the effort of negotiating down a 12 month contract to 6 months.

I have gone to see houses alone and phoned mortgage companies but I am angry that my dh won't participate in anything to do with it and I do doubt myself on what to buy. I'm happy to be told I'm being unreasonable but at the same time I am starting to wonder wtf he won't help.
It wasn't like this at all when we bought the previous house.he was a lot more proactive

@ElenaSt yes this has crossed my mind too. I've transferred all the house money into my accounts now because this has massively affected my trust in him too.
Maybe I do need to just get to a point where there's an offer on a house and he has to sign for the mortgage. But this also drives my anger that I'm having to do this when at the beginning when we sold m our house there were so many houses and now there are only a few every month that sell very quickly.

Is he like this about other things or is it just the house?

I'm not surprised you're angry I think I would have to divorce him! And I'm not even joking!

Is there any possibility he's spent the funds from the sale of the previous house gambling or some other secret debt?

Echoing others but is the money from the house sale intact?

I’m not surprised you are angry ! We sold and rented for 6 months while waiting to buy another that was off plan (there were various reasons we had to do this).

It always felt like the mortgage might fall through as it was lockdown and lending criteria changed. Had already watched prices go up suddenly by around £40,000 while selling our old house and it was horrible to watch them increasing and realising we could afford fewer bedrooms than we’d had in our old house.

Your DH is being so so selfish and affecting your children’s security. Where is he planning to go when your rental is up? I agree with looking for a mortgage on your own, even if it is a smaller house than you’d have liked and your DC have to share a bedroom, just to get out of this situation.

I don't think anyone is going to say YABU OP.
You are going to have to try and find out what's behind this behaviour & why he's dragging his feet.

Are you going to be able to extend your rental term?

Op maybe I'm reading this wrong but you seem really passive in your own life

DH decided that we didn't need to worry about the stamp duty saving

he's waiting for his next pay rise to sort the mortgage

Why are all the decisions being made by him?! When he said you didn't need to worry about the stamp duty saving why didn't you say "actually I'd like to buy a new house asap as I don't want to live in a rental for ages". When he says he's waiting for a pay rise you say "I don't think we should wait any longer, we need to start looking now"

I see you work part time, does that mean your husband makes all the financial decisions and you go along with them like a good little wifey? Cause that's how this reads. I'm a sahm so all our income comes from dh but we're still 50/50 equals when it comes to any and all financial decisions. He would never presume to tell me "we need to wait till my next pay rise". The most he would say is "I think we should wait till I get my next pay rise, what do you think?"

You need to stop being so passive and assert your own opinions and preferences and ensure they receive equal weighting to your husband's. Although tbh it's probably too late now, the time to do that was when you sold the last house

I was going to say hes spent the money but you said you have it in your account.

It sounds like he isn't invested in his family anymore. You could try counselling in the meantime and see if that helps, or gp for depression?

The only other reason is that he has been controlling and manipulative in other areas but you've glossed over his behaviour, however this is too big and too important for you to ignore or minimise. Have a serious think about your marriage to see if anything else seems off. I spent 20 years pretending it didn't happen to me until one incident opened my eyes to see hes always been manipulative.

I am so sorry, I know how much owning a house means in terms of security, etc.

Is he mayeb not just waiting until the market is less mental? And youre frustrated being stuck in a rental ?
*complete sympathy as im in the same boat

I would be fuming, although you are responsible for these decisions too. House prices have gone up loads since the pandemic so any money made from your sale will basically have been eaten up if you were to buy now, add to that the money you have thrown away on renting…

X post with you saying you have all the house sale money.

When you say you want to leave and he says what about the mortgage - what's he on about?
You're in rented. There is no mortgage. It's far easier to leave. Split the house sale money in two and separate.

He really doesn't sound like he wants to buy again.

Yo understand why you are angry, upset and frustrated.

But what’s done is done.

Learn and look forwards. You allowed the sale of your home without an inward purchase.

Don’t be a passive victim again. Use your current anger energy to take action.

In your shoes I would look at moving for secondary as a priority. Take a rental in a good catchment and get that sorted.

Then look at your next priority. Better job? See a mortgage broker?

Take what control you can. Each thing you accomplish will leave you feeling you have reclaimed the energy that has been drained by your H’s pathetic lack of planning, oomph or honesty.