I'm so angry at my dh I don't know if there's anything I can do anymore

[papermousehouse]

In 2020 we sold our home during the stamp duty break.
I was really looking forward to getting rid of this house as it had caused a lot of problems and needed work doing to it. It was however overall nice enough and better than no home.
We have been in a rental since. When we sold my dh decided that we didn't need to worry about the stamp duty saving even though it would have really really helped us. I begged him to see houses and he refused.
Now dh keeps finding reasons not to help buy a new home, keeps saying he doesn't like this house or that and obviously it's getting much worse as the prices are rising.
.
I feel like he's taken my home away from me and dc, my security. Owning a home was something I've said before we even married was really important to me and that I just want the security of owning a home. I know it's not for everyone or some people can't but I've worked hard in life and I feel like he's taken this away from me.

I'm so angry now. Also one of our dc is coming up to secondary school age. We are now completely priced out of buying a house in our area that isn't worse than what we previously owned and I said to dh the secondary applications start soon, we need to know where we will live to allow for that. I believe we'll have to move areas now to get a house.

Again dh just sits around nodding his head and agreeing we should move but doing nothing else. I'm so tired and down about it all. I am so angry too. I don't know what to do. I feel totally alone sorting this situation out but I also can't figure out how to sort it out as the house prices have gone up by q all over our deposit and they are continuing to be sold in days. It's causing me so much stress. My job is also stressful and I want to leave but when I say this, all of sudden dh will say but what about the mortgage. I think I'm going to have to just move jobs soon and forget us ever getting a mortgage any time soon seeing as it hasn't happened but I feel so utterly trapped in this mess.

I know this is long but I just need to get it off my chest now as had another argument about when he's going to lift a finger in this situation as the most recent excuse is he's waiting for his next payrise to sort the mortgages out. That's been going on for over a month now and yet again properties are coming and going.
I am so down about it all I'm starting to give up and also very very angry at dh. I literally feel like I hate him for doing this to us not sure how to cope at all.

OP I'm so sorry about the house situation.

Regarding work, I'd get someone to look at your CV and re-work it if you're not getting interviews. If you're still working in your field, even in a lesser position, you have skills and current experience. Good luck.

Can you look at 'help to buy' or other gov backed schemes. Two of my friends, who are on low wages managed to buy a house through these schemes

Look into Housing Association properties.
Some HA's offer a part-buy, part rental scheme for low income tenant-owners.

I think it sounds very strange that it looks like he has intentionally done this.

He said one thing but then refused viewings?

Sounds very calculating.

Get copies of everything, payslips etc.
Get legal advice.

You need to view yourself as a single parent and act accordingly.

Protect yourself and don't part with a penny until you have to.

He has deliberately taken your security from you, the question is why?

www.sagehomes.co.uk/find-a-home/shared-ownership/

www.housing.org.uk/our-work/affordable-home-ownership/shared-ownership/

£100k is a massive deposit.
It gives you options.

Start contacting HA's in your area & find out how their schemes work, & how you could structure a part-tenancy purchase: you find find information about how to "staircase" from partial tenancy to gradual increased ownership.

I think you have become so accustomed to the anxiety & negativity of your situation that is has affected your ability to see beyond it - hence your feeling that you have no personal agency, & your resignation to being "trapped".
But that lump sum gives you more leverage than you think.
Start believing in yourself, & getting optimistic & creative with your OWN solution, instead of waiting for your H to come round.
Every time you find an advisor, make a new contact, talk to a mortgage advisor, learn more about a specific HA's policies - you are a step nearer to rescuing yourself & this will help your positivity. You need to open your eyes & start looking for the light at the end of your own tunnel - because DH sure as shit isn't going to do it for you.

You'll also benefit - psychologically & planning-wise - from a short meeting with an experienced divorce lawyer. You need concrete advice specific to your situation - ie if you were to split, & be resident parent - would that £200k pot be strictly 50/50, or could you be awarded a larger share, due to housing the DC? What pensions do you both have, & if his is the larger, how is that going to be negotiated? What would your CMS payment be from him each month?
You need to look at the harsh realities.
Right now, you are handwringing (understandably) & hoping DH will change his mind. No wonder you feel defeated - this is no way to live.
Once you are better informed, you can make better plans. You will know what's possible, what you can afford, & you can start to make a future for you & DC.

Could it be that he knows he’s messed up and is in “freeze” mode? Like you, he doesn’t know how you will get out of this so is burying his head in the sand.
Theres lots of talk about the market crashing so you may be better of renting for a little longer.

Also - everything @billy1966 said.

DH either has his head in the sand - or is planning an 'out' himself.
It could be that he'd happily divorce, & accept a lesser share of your existing savings pot in order to be free, & able to spend his share of the cash as he chooses.

Either way, he is no longer on the same page as you financially, & you cannot passively allow him to compromise the future you want for yourself & your children.

btw - don't mention any of your plans or meetings with advisors/solicitors.
Right now, just keep your head down, & gather information.

I agree that you read like a passenger in your own life, where everything just happens to you and you bear no responsibility for any of rhe decisions made.

why you have both made rhe decisions you’ve made is quite hard to fathom, and they are decisions you both made, from giving up your career to moving to rented in the first place

I strongly suspect there is a reason he won’t buy, has he bad credit you’re not aware of, and wouldn’t get a mortgage, is he worried his employment is at risk? Why is he mismanaging money and having to spend his savings?

something is unsaid here, no one sells their home ti take advantage of rhe stamp duty holiday rhen at the exact same moment decides they don’t care about the stamp duty holiday and rents.

is there significant financial issues potentially? Are you sure he can actually get a mortgage?

Simply put, he's not going to buy with you op. Ever. Don't know what his reasons are, they don't matter. Divorce him and get half his pension. You get no house either way, least this way you get half his pension and you lose 14st (roughly) of dead weight. And you get child maintenance.

Did he find home ownership and the responsibility for maintenance and upkeep stressful?

I had a relative who bought, then sold and moved in to rented. They kept saying they would buy another house but never did, and eventually admitted that they actually preferred having someone else be responsible for the maintenance of the property. Home-ownership is a big responsibility and not everyone feels the security of homeownership is worth it. If this is the case, he needs to be communicating this to you.

Don’t give him half the money if you split. See a solicitor and go for 60/70% to rehouse you and your DC. You have been primary carer, allowing him to progress in his career and he now earns 4x more than you.

If you get child maintenance that is either court ordered or through CMA then some lenders will include that as your income for mortgage.