I'm so angry at my dh I don't know if there's anything I can do anymore

[papermousehouse]

In 2020 we sold our home during the stamp duty break.
I was really looking forward to getting rid of this house as it had caused a lot of problems and needed work doing to it. It was however overall nice enough and better than no home.
We have been in a rental since. When we sold my dh decided that we didn't need to worry about the stamp duty saving even though it would have really really helped us. I begged him to see houses and he refused.
Now dh keeps finding reasons not to help buy a new home, keeps saying he doesn't like this house or that and obviously it's getting much worse as the prices are rising.
.
I feel like he's taken my home away from me and dc, my security. Owning a home was something I've said before we even married was really important to me and that I just want the security of owning a home. I know it's not for everyone or some people can't but I've worked hard in life and I feel like he's taken this away from me.

I'm so angry now. Also one of our dc is coming up to secondary school age. We are now completely priced out of buying a house in our area that isn't worse than what we previously owned and I said to dh the secondary applications start soon, we need to know where we will live to allow for that. I believe we'll have to move areas now to get a house.

Again dh just sits around nodding his head and agreeing we should move but doing nothing else. I'm so tired and down about it all. I am so angry too. I don't know what to do. I feel totally alone sorting this situation out but I also can't figure out how to sort it out as the house prices have gone up by q all over our deposit and they are continuing to be sold in days. It's causing me so much stress. My job is also stressful and I want to leave but when I say this, all of sudden dh will say but what about the mortgage. I think I'm going to have to just move jobs soon and forget us ever getting a mortgage any time soon seeing as it hasn't happened but I feel so utterly trapped in this mess.

I know this is long but I just need to get it off my chest now as had another argument about when he's going to lift a finger in this situation as the most recent excuse is he's waiting for his next payrise to sort the mortgages out. That's been going on for over a month now and yet again properties are coming and going.
I am so down about it all I'm starting to give up and also very very angry at dh. I literally feel like I hate him for doing this to us not sure how to cope at all.

Op meant leave her job because it's stressful and she hates it, when she says he wants to leave her job he then brings paying for the house they haven't bought yet if she did quit her part time job.

But I agree with you, she could transfer his half of the house sale money back to his account as she said she has it all in hers and leave him because they're clearly not on on the same page she might have to increase her hours to full time and accept that what she buys will be less than what to full time wages could afford. It it would be hers and she'd have the security.

Is it possible he didn't anticipate house prices continuing to rise after you sold? And since they have continued to go up, maybe he's waiting in anticipation of a crash/correction?

I don't think the current increases are sustainable, but equally I'm not sure there'll be a significant correction either. I'd probably be 50/50 about buying now vs waiting it out another 6 to 12 months.

Has he had a CCJ/default/spent the money since you sold which would hinder the mortgage process?

Thanks all. I am calming down after a morning of him annoying me (be that fair or not!)
I have all the house money because he would probably accidentally spend it. He does have form for that but we have separate savings that we both have access to. He has been dipping into that but I can see that's more from mismanagement of money but on purpose and I've said to him I will move half the savings as well if he can't manage his spending.
The house money is all in my name now but I know I would never spend it and I know it's not all my money.

I think the pp saying take control of what I can is right. I have been applying for jobs but I haven't had a good job for years and my rusty CV is proving to be a barrier to jobs as haven't even gotten an interview. Admittedly this is probably not helping in my frustrations.

The mortgage we would now have to take out to get even the equivalent to our old house is far more than we were planning and this is upsetting me as now having had a house we are now looking at buying something much smaller for a lot more money which will be mostly on a mortgage because the market is crazy. I can only hope things slow down but so far they haven't. I booked myself in to see a house tomorrow and just had an email through saying someone's offered well over asking and I can't see it now as the offer has been accepted. That's what im experiencing so when dh wont even attempt to help it's making the whole situation harder.

In 2020 we sold our home during the stamp duty break.

Now dh keeps finding reasons not to help buy a new home, keeps saying he doesn't like this house or that and obviously it's getting much worse as the prices are rising.

WHERE IS THE MONEY FROM THAT HOUSE SALE @papermousehouse ?

@KettrickenSmiled read the updates fgs. OP has said exactly where the money is at least twice.

Sorry about the trigger-happy shouting OP - I see you have the money safe.

How much is it?
No need to tell us specifics - but is half of it enough to pay down the deposit on a much smaller property for you & DC?

I doubt that's feasible right now, working P-T, but how about you get yourself out of the fear & doldrums your H's inaction & stupidity are causing you by throwing yourself into resurrecting your career?
Once you are full time, & can evidence that to a mortgage company, would you be in a position to buy without H?

When you feel less helpless, & less out of control, your confidence will increase.
This should help you with the main problem - which isn't simply that your H is a feckless arse who would fritter away all your family's equity if you let him.
The main problem is - you are allowing this feckless arse to make all the decisions.
STOP RELYING ON HIM to do anything to do with housing his DC securely. Because he won't. He's not bothered. he knows how you feel, he knows a securely owned property is preferable for kids, he knows he promised "just 6 months rental" & HE DOES NOT GIVE A SHIT.

Stop trying so hard to make him give a shit.
Put all your frustration & anger into a concerted effort to getting back into the full time job market.
Insist that he steps up with parenting & housekeeping & the mental load in order for you to achieve that.
Work like a donkey to get some more money behind you. Squirrel it away.
Get yourself financially educated. Talking to mortgage brokers will help, as will moneysavingexpert.com.
Stop looking to your husband for 'permission' to buy a house or 'leadership' in doing so.

When you have sufficient income to buy on your own - LTB.
Even if it's a 2 bed in a less popular area - you will be free of a man who lied to you, & would have spent all the family equity had you not been sharp enough to prevent him.

Funnily enough I was doing that just as you posted your reprimand.

Can we get back to OP's dilemma now, or do you need to issue detentions?

Can I just bang my gavel instead? I never understand why people are so eager to post their dazzling and oh so special opinion on a long thread that they post a very very obvious question that'll have been likely been both posted and answered before, and don't bother checking. So there. <bangs gavel>

😂😂😂
I am impressed by your gavelling, so will deign to answer, yer honour.

It's not a long thread.
When posting, I was between phone calls & other arsing about. As far as I saw, the thread was still a 1-pager.

Is this sufficient penitance, or do I need to be shipped out to Oz, or maybe have rotten veg hurled at my trembling, be-stocked form by impressionable & easily-riled villlagers?

No, I'll let you off, this time <beady eyed stare>

The main problem is - you are allowing this feckless arse to make all the decisions.

That feckless arse also happens to be the main income provider by the sounds of it? OP can't make him buy a house if he doesn't want to, OP can't force him to take out a mortgage if he doesn't want to. So yes, he obviously has to be a part of the decision seeing as the op can't get a suitable mortgage or buy a house without him.

Ultimately, you both need to get onto the same page, or splitting up seems the only real option.

That feckless arse also happens to be the main income provider by the sounds of it? OP can't make him buy a house if he doesn't want to, OP can't force him to take out a mortgage if he doesn't want to. So yes, he obviously has to be a part of the decision seeing as the op can't get a suitable mortgage or buy a house without him.

If you read the rest of my post @altmember, you will be able to appreciate that I am not urging OP to force HIM do things he does not want to do.

Instead, I am exhorting her to put the decision-making back in HER own hands, by getting her career back on track. So that she can be in charge of her own decisions. Preferably without reference to him - but that's up to OP.

Yes he earns 4x as much as me. Was equal when we met. I've no chance of catching up on my career now. To be fair I did try to work ft when I had the dc but I couldn't keep up with everything. I have no family. No help with the dc and I'm finding it very hard to cope, plus now I have no home that's actually mine it's getting me so down but pp are right he doesn't care enough to change anything.

I will have to try to keep looking for ft jobs. No idea where the dc will go in the school holidays but for now I will just have to try to make it work.

I do appreciate the advice even if it's a bit harsh (!)

Move to a completely new area- I’ve done it it’s not that scary! Where you can get a cheaper nice house and rebuild your life from there. Leave the husband behind unless he gets help with his depression by the sounds of it.

At 17.32 OP you said

"I've no chance of catching up on my career now."

My question is "why ?"

What's stopping you being financially independent?

Yes he earns 4x as much as me. Was equal when we met. I've no chance of catching up on my career now. To be fair I did try to work ft when I had the dc but I couldn't keep up with everything.

Surprise surprise.
You sacrificed your career because it didn't occur to him that he needed to step up & help you manage a household of 4 kids.
He unilaterally chose to sell up, you felt you had no choice but to go along ... & his idiotic decision has now shafted you for re-buying a similar sized property in a similar area.

What's his pension like, Papermouse?
If you don't know - first, ask yourself why, & then find out.
When you split because you cannot take the misery any more, your lawyer will need to know.

@Thesefeetaremadeforwalking because even if I did repair my careee the house prices have surpassed anything I would be able to afford now. I'm looking at a flat at best to stay in my area on a fairly high salary.

On top of that I gave up my career because I didn't know how to manage the school holidays so I ended up in a school hours very low paid job.

And in addition, even when I'm applying to ft jobs no one so far has even selected me for interview which I believe is due to taking 5 years out in a terrible job. All the 'back to work' schemes I've found seem to expect two years of no work rather then any time in a rubbish job.

I do feel utterly stuck and owning a house was one way of ensuring at least equity is being built up in the mean time. Now I don't even have that. Obviously I will have to get on with it but I am so angry that anyone would do this and I don't believe I deserve what's happened at all.
So angry. But I can't see much can change for now. I am trying to plough on and get things done just angry and wanted to moan I suppose. As pointless as that sounds.

I think whoever made the point about you being passive in your own life had a good point.

obviosuly he’s being a total dick. But you seem to have been happy to sell originally and move into a rental. Even if your partner was fully on board there was always a big risk that you might not be able to find somewhere else. It’s not easy to find another home. Sales fall through.

I would never choose to take that sort of gamble. I think it was very foolish. But it’s done. Lesson learnt.

i think to get yourself out of this you need to realise that you have choices and options that you have the power to take. You don’t have to be reliant on your dh.

@Cavviesarethebest I agree but before we signed to sell I said to my dh we will definitely buy a property asap and he said yes. Then he refused to come to any viewings. But yes I agree. I let this happen and now I am paying the consequences.

Have you really told him just how angry you are at the him and the situation? Does he really understand that or do you assume he knows because you keep mentioning it. Tbh for something this big I would have an argument about it if it was the only way to get him to wake up! Is everything else ok in the relationship or could he be saving himself paying two mortgages or rent and mortgage if you were to separate?

@NotAScoobyToBeSeen I have had a huge row this morning about it all and before because I have asked him if he can just be honest if he doesn't want to buy. He just went silent then mutters that he knows that prices have gone up.

I think he knows I have nowhere to go and doesn't have to worry about me leaving any time soon.

Do you want to stay with him op?

can you look for a place for you and your kids with half of the house money plus a mortgage on either your pt salary or if you got a full time job?

sometimes these disasters can turn out to be excellent life changing turning points

Split we would get £100k each before any solicitors etc. If I put that as a budget in rightmove nothing comes up in my area except for mobile homes. My job is very low pay, I checked online mortgage calculators and they say i can't get one on my wage.

I can only hope I get a foot in door and work back to a good job again. That's not going to happen overnight. Unfortunately I'll also have to hope house prices go down a little. I will look at cheaper areas as well but when I do it always seems that cheaper areas come with disastrous schools. I will have to do more research.

I don't want to stay now it's looking like he is not really looking like he will make any changes and it's all on me. But I feel I have to get things in order for my dc I can't see myself giving them a better life if I walk out.

its not a certainty of course - but I think that most people think prices aren’t going to up by huge amounts this year.

so I’d suggest making sure you keep control over the money. Keeping looking for a full time job - I’m sure a solution to holidays can be found esp if the children don’t sound super young.

and otherwise- as my loves to say - get ducks in a row. Eg looking at pension provisions you both have. Maybe have a lawyer consult etc