Setting boundaries in a marriage

[ooopsup]

DH and I have been married for six years. Together 12. We're having a bit of a tough patch. We have two small children and it all gets a bit tiring at times.

I've been doing a lot of reading recently and have been thinking some of the issues we're encountering may be due to lack of boundaries in our relationship.

I guess my question is what boundaries do you have in place in your romantic relationships and how do you implement them? What do you do if the boundary is crossed?

You're going to have to expand a bit because this could be anything from not walking in when you're on the loo to trying to force you to have sex.

Absolutely, sorry, rereading I see it's a bit (very) vague

An example of a boundary issue I feel we have is in communication.

For me it's vital to be able to communicate when I'm unhappy about something. DH finds it difficult to receive any type of feedback that he feels is negative.

I feel he is crossing a boundary when I express myself and he isn't willing to hear me.

But I don't know if that is crossing a boundary and how I should go about enforcing it if it is.
If you see what I mean.

Id absolutely see forced sex and wandering in while I'm on the loo unacceptable but the vaguer stuff I'm a bit at a loss on.

I know what I'm trying to get at but I'm not doing a great job on putting it down here!!

I don’t think him not wanting to listen to you is crossing your boundary. That’s not really what boundaries are. They’re to protect someone from harm. You could say that forcing him to listen to you express your annoyance/frustration/opinion would be crossing his boundaries.

Regardless of whether it is or isn’t a “boundary”, though, it is a big problem. Poor communication in a marriage is the root of most issues.

Have you considered counselling?

That's not a boundary like the pp said, that's not communicating well.

@NoSquirrels I take your point there, thanks.

But you see I think his refusal to acknowledge my unhappiness about a given issue does cause me harm. It makes me resentful which is a sign amid a boundary being crossed, from what I've read.

I'm think I'm trying to get my head around the nuances of establishing boundaries and the grey areas.

Also counselling most likely wouldn't go amiss

Son what are boundaries? I'm interested to know what others would consider as a boundary in their romantic relationships. I'm clear when it comes to friends and family but find it difficult to decide what is what with DH

This insta account shares communication tips for couples with kids:
www.instagram.com/p/Ca0JyMzFktZ/?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

@NetflixAndSauvignonBlanc that's really helpful, thanks so much 😊

What you have described, OP, is not 'crossing a boundary' it's an inability for your DH to accept negative feedback.

If he doesn't want to listen to you, and take on board what you say that's 'stonewalling' and it's abusive.

www.goodtherapy.org/blog/listen-up-why-you-dont-feel-heard-in-your-relationship-0810154

www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/stonewalling-in-relationships/

@Thesefeetaremadeforwalking thanks for the articles, I'll have a read. It's a bit hit and miss, sometimes he'll willingly listen and other times he's a bit put out by it. I find it frustrating as I'm pretty open to feedback

I think something that relies on someone else accepting something you want can never be a boundary for you.

Your boundary in this situation could be “I will not be in a relationship with someone who does not value good communication.”

It can’t be “I must be heard by you or you have crossed my boundary”.

Do you see the difference? One is asserting your own autonomy. One is forcing someone else to do something.

I think you really would benefit from counselling if it’s communication issues because it’s much easier to hear and be heard if there’s someone ‘holding a safe space’ and facilitating the conversation and who can then offer strategies for the future.

Mmm you could also be crossing his boundary forcing to have uncomfortable conversations against his will?

Maybe he is unwilling because you use accusatory language? Maybe you are both poor communicators? Worth having counselling to learn constructive ways of communication. Maybe communicate with him you would like to find better ways of talking to him without him getting defensive?

Your happiness isn't his responsibility, but he is bound to not do things that cause you unhappiness.

@NoSquirrels that's very helpful, thanks 😊

Re communication & boundaries. I myself have this thing that I really hate criticism or negativity for the sake of it - if put in a constructive way I find I respond better & so do others. So I try and start with something positive & constructive and then explain why... otherwise it comes across as heckling from the sidelines.

But agree with others that counselling could be worthwhile here.

Counselling to help with communication would be very wise.

Be wary of allowing resentment to take hold.

It kills love when it is prolonged, and is very difficult to come back from in a marriage.

Definitely make an effort to explain that.

If he continues to shut you down, I would call that controlling and you would be better to reevaluate your marriage and get some counselling on your own to decide what you want.

I don't see us as having any boundaries as such. We did have a problem with communication for a few years - basically just not speaking to each other nicely, bickering, snappy responses etc. It was because we were tired and stressed and took each other for granted. It was something we both acknowledged and worked on. We now speak to each other kindly and respectfully and I'm so much happier. Not sure if that's a boundary but it was a problem we worked to resolve.

But you see I think his refusal to acknowledge my unhappiness about a given issue does cause me harm. It makes me resentful which is a sign amid a boundary being crossed, from what I've read.

A boundary is something someone can only actively cross by doing something to you, not passively cross by not doing something even if you feel it causes you harm in a roundabout way. Boundaries are 'you must not do this active thing to me (e.g. yell at me)' not 'you must not do this passive thing to me (ignoring) and in doing so must do this active thing (sit there and listen).

The most simplistic way to think of it is in physical ways. You can absolutely set a boundary that you don't sex. Someone else refusing to have sex with you however would not cross your boundary of 'needing' sex, even if a lack of causes you emotional harm, as by demanding sex off them you violate their right to set their own boundaries around having/not having sex.

You can absolutely talk to you DH about improving communication but don't frame it as he has to do it or he's crossing your boundaries, or you actually veer into the territory of crossing his boundaries by forcing something on his he doesn't want to do.

I think my takeaway from this thread is that I'm not massively clear on what boundaries actually are

I do understand that DH and I definitely have some communication issues.

Could anyone recommend some books on good communication and/or boundaries. Thanks

Interesting ..I had an issue with my husband defending himself if I confronted him with something, or he would play it down/turn it into something insignificant. This would make me angry and it took me to a place where I did not know what to do or how to communicate because, some of the time, I don’t think he genuinely realises he can be a twat LOL - it’s just in his nature!

It took a long time for me to adjust my own thinking (I chatted to my uncle who used to be a Marriage Counsellor!) but what happens now that our children are 17 and 16, they easily and happily point out his faults without me having to. I have to keep quiet though because it could look like we are all picking on him.

My husband has some anger issues and lacks empathy and understanding sometimes but I married him, so end of. I need to focus on what he does well.

Just wanted to say that I get where you are coming from, OP, relationships are difficult sometimes.

This may help, OP

natashaadamo.com/boundaries/

I’d say that boundaries around communication would be stuff like don’t call each other nasty names or swear at each other. Don’t continue to say or do things that you’ve been told upset the other person.

My ex used to regularly call me a cunt despite me telling him not to. For me I would have said this was a boundary, but the fact that he got the opportunity to repeatedly cross it says that maybe it wasn’t as I think a boundary being crossed should be a deal breaker, but apparently it takes a few crossings for me to realise that!

He would bang on about it being “that time of the month” whenever I was upset, regardless of whether it was indeed that time of the month (increasingly difficult to predict that in my late 40s!). I told him every time, so probably 50 times over the course of several years that it was unacceptable but still he did it.

I don’t know how you would work out what the boundary is for you - maybe being stonewalled or ignored? Is he engaging at all?

It sounds like you need to negotiate some boundaries around communication.

Like: agree a time when he is prepared to listen, he might prefer mornings or a weekend, or being given advance warning and agreeing a time between you.

He might need you to agree that he doesn't have to respond straight away but can go away and have a think and respond in an agreed timescale.

These are just examples, so rather than communication being constant and unwelcome or unheeded, it has structure and limits which you both agree to work within.

Sorry that came off really one sided, but from your side, he has to listen to you when you communicate as you've both agreed, so you aren't left hanging