Setting boundaries in a marriage

[ooopsup]

DH and I have been married for six years. Together 12. We're having a bit of a tough patch. We have two small children and it all gets a bit tiring at times.

I've been doing a lot of reading recently and have been thinking some of the issues we're encountering may be due to lack of boundaries in our relationship.

I guess my question is what boundaries do you have in place in your romantic relationships and how do you implement them? What do you do if the boundary is crossed?

Counselling for you two I think

@ooopsup I think a boundary is usually seen as to stop someone doing a thing rather than try and make/say another person should do a thing.

But that's just words/definitions really. What you're describing is more about not feeling listened to and supported. This is a failure of what you were expecting or hope for in a relationship/marriage. IDK the right word for that, but if it goes far enough or it upsets you enough, and he isn't responding to your requests for what you need, it becomes a dealbreaker. And I don't think you're being unreasonable to assume a marriage involves being listened to when you're upset.

But from what you imply, there may be some other issues where he is actively crossing a boundary of what is acceptable behaviour or you are comfortable with. Can you think of some examples?

This relationship sounds like it makes you uncomfortable or is unfulfilling for you.

Listening to you sometimes but not others can also be upsetting, especially if the person is least helpful at the times when you need it most. At some point, it becomes intermittent reinforcement designed to make you feel more like you have to work to win his affection. This is a tool abusive men use.

*designed to make you work harder to win his affection/support, and to do what he wants in general.

Thanks all for your insights

I think communication has always been an issue for us. However, before we had children, we didn't disagree very often and/or I was more willing to overlook things. Since having children we're both generally more tired, have less time to talk things through and are more stretched day to day.

Communication has become a sticking point because out of us I'm the more to the point person. If something bothers me I feel better saying how I feel, working it out, and then moving on.

DH is not the same. He rarely complains about anything instead bottles it up and leaves me wondering what's going on as he can become a bit quiet and "off".

This also means that on occasion when I make a passing comment about a benign subject he'll be very put out as it's perceived as a criticism and will be the "straw that broke the camels back" so to speak.

I then get annoyed because I'm approachable and happy to hear when I'm wrong, and will gladly apologise for my part in a situation so we can move on and be harmonious.

So the round up of this is he keeps his thoughts inside which I find a bit sneaky, and I put my thoughts out there which he sees as moaning.

Sometimes we're able to talk things through but it always feels dependent on how he's feeling which I find irritating because if I feel something I should be able to share it

I think you're mixing up boundaries with taking responsibility for your feelings. Either way though, say what you want, calmly and clearly, and if the other person won't accept and respect that, they're not the person for you. We can't have relationships with people who don't respect our wishes. They don't have to agree with us, but they have to be willing to find a compromise to suit both parties.

It looks like you have opposing attachment styles. You're anxious, he's avoidant.

See if this rings any bells:

www.attachmentproject.com/blog/four-attachment-styles/

Yes exactly this!

I've said it a million times. These are MY feelings. You don't have to agree or even understand but you have to respect that's how I feel. I am able to do that for him, sadly he doesn't seem capable of doing that for me.

I don't see communication as a boundary issue, it's more of fundamental relationship issue, but equally important.

When you say vital to communicate unhappiness, yes but a qualified yes ... how often? Immediately or at an appropriate moment later? You are not wrong however if in a public place, with the kids, all the time ... sounds more like a nag.

Everything is nuanced and of course you need to tell him you are upset but im wondering if you are constantly moaning? Only you know that answer. Also it's essential to give positive feedback too, do you only complain and never give praise? Trying to read between the lines to help you

@motogirl I may well drift in to nag territory from time to time, I can certainly see that from his POV. He has also mentioned that my feedback tends to be on the negative side.

These are certainly areas for me to work on. I do tend to be a immediate response person. I find myself becoming resentful when I ah e to hold my feelings in so will sometimes just say it then and there, which isn't always ideal

he keeps his thoughts inside which I find a bit sneaky

You're not that respectful of his communication style, OP. This isn't about someone being wrong and the other person being right. This is about accepting that you do things differently. There's no rule that says we have to share our thoughts to the level you think is right, any more than there's a rule that says we have to share our thoughts to the level he thinks is right.

There are no rules at all (except laws, but they don't apply to how we conduct our relationships in terms of emotions and communication), so we can all do whatever we want, in whatever style we please. The 'taking responsibility for your own feelings' bit is in choosing people with similar rules to you to spend your time with, rather than choosing people who do things differently, and wishing they'd change to do things like you do.

This horse has bolted, in your case, because you've married him. The trick for you both will be to focus on finding ways to make the relationship work, rather than trying to get the other to do it 'your way', and feeling critical when they do it 'their way'.

I had/have a similar situation with my recent ex. He will not discuss any issues, he will not apologise, he will not entertain the possibility he may be wrong and becomes verbally abusive if challenged. Whilst this is more extreme than your situation, I get what you mean about it feeling sneaky. My ex would just refuse to say how he felt and expected me to do the same. We could never resolve anything because, in refusing to communicate with me, he was forcing me to deal with issues his way, by burying them inside and letting that resentment build. IME the person who doesn't value open communication always wins. The other issue is that as the willing communicator, you offer up your feelings, thoughts and opinions, make yourself vulnerable, and your partner won't do the same, so you often only have your narrative of the situation, and as you're the only one talking, you become the nag. I did appreciate that he didn't like talking about issues and I knew he found it hard, but I ultimately couldn't deal with feeling like the only one in the relationship and having to suppress my own feelings constantly.

As others have pointed out, this is a communication issue, not a boundary issue (I also feel "boundaries" are talked about way too often and too nebulously overall. A boundary is a line that someone should never cross: I don't allow my children to hit me or each other; I will not accept racist comments in my home; etc).

But I do think it's more complicated. You say you respect his feelings but do you? Because you don't like that he bottles things up (I totally see where you're coming from but arguably if you want him to change your'e NOT accepting his feelings). He says you're over critical - are you? I mean, do you feel the need to give him "feedback" every time he forgets to wipe a kitchen counter or whatever and so this "feedback" is almost constant?

Both Dh and I have had to learn that one thing being annoying is only a justifiable complaint when it's constant OR massive. And it has to be taken in context. Are you issues that you're sniping at him constantly out loud while he's running a constant similar commentary, but in his head?

I don't think that's what boundaries means. Having boundaries means having established limits on what you are comfortable with, usually in terms of what you are ok with your partner doing to you, or what you are ok with your partner expecting you to do (sexually or in other contexts). If someone fails to respect your boundaries, that means they are pushing you to accept treatment you're uncomfortable with, or expecting you to do things you're uncomfortable with.

Communication is a different thing altogether. However, imo when a man doesn't respect how his wife feels or accept any criticism for his behaviour, there is no need to label this as a 'lack of boundaries' or 'a poor communication style' etc. It usually just means he's an arsehole, and possibly also a bit of a misogynist. And that's not necessarily fixable.

@BreakinbadBreakineven I feel this is very close to how I feel, albeit not as extreme. I find it tiring. I know part of it is due to his upbringing. His family never discuss anything, ever, for fear of being "nosey"

It's not to say he's a bad person, and when things are good its great. It's just why conflict becomes such a sticking point and I don't feel it should be so difficult to work things out

Conflict resolution is how you judge a relationship though. Being able to get on with someone in the good times doesn't mean anything in the grand scheme of things. Hitler was apparently a nice bloke to have coffee and cake with and many of us would have been able to have a good chin wag and a laugh with him... there'd be no problem until an 'issue' came up.

Relationships that can't resolve conflict can't survive, because conflict is inevitable. Have you approached him from a 'We have trouble resolving conflict... do you agree? Got any suggestions?' perspective, rather than 'You're wrong in how you're dealing with this issue!'?

I agree that this sounds like communication issues.
Counselling could really help you understand each other's communication styles and preferences and how to negotiate between the two of you so that both of you feel seen and heard.
A lot of counselling is about building communication skills. I thought I was a natural good communicator but it turned out that I really had a great deal to learn 😝.

I don't think you are.

You want him to be more open and that's not how or who he is

Agree with PPs that's not a boundary, boundaries are things you can yourself enforce. You could try I language, "when you did XYZ, I felt ABC". It's supposed to be less confrontation as you're talking about your feelings more than their behaviour.

I like “it’s supposed to…” it doesn’t tend to work with people who can ‘fly off the handle’ if they think they’re being criticised and don’t understand what feelings are !! 😃

But he doesn't have to respect your feelings. No-one is obliged to respect anything.

I actually think the "boundary" you're referring to in this instance is one you have with yourself. The need to have your feelings respected is your line - and by continuing to tolerate being with someone who does not you are compromising your own position.

But he doesn't have to respect your feelings. No-one is obliged to respect anything

I think that, if there's a solution to be found here, they do both have to respect each others' feelings. But yes, there's no generic obligation.

I agree. I'm talking about generic obligation. He is clearly not respecting the OP's feelings, and if she wants that (which is not unreasonable, imo), then she needs to assert her boundary with herself and remove herself from that dynamic.

So you’re an extrovert and he’s an introvert. You e got different communication styles, but can’t really say his crossing your boundary. You expect him to go against his introvert nature, otherwise you don’t feel he hears you out. I think with some counselling you can work out a communication style that suits both of you.

But he doesn't have to respect your feelings. No-one is obliged to respect anything

There are certain things that are supposed to be part of a marriage, and yes it does kind of come with obligations to try and support one's spouse emotionally. Vows are made that imply that. Or at least, it's what most women would expect from a husband.