Friends with Benefits - or is it? Mixed signals. Colleague.

[Sophia1980ES]

Hey everyone, lovely to meet you all, first time poster here.

I'm 41, came out of a 6 year rship several months ago; ended because we were sexually incompatible and didnt have sex for last 4 years of our r'ship (wonderful, caring, kind, loving man - but wasn't into sex/had performance issues).

10 months ago, i started a new job working in very close proximity to my work colleague. He's 36, single, not married, no kids.

I never looked at him in that light when i met him, as he wasn't my usual type. When i met him he was single, then met someone after a few months. He used to give me the odd lift to the station and text me on my bday/christmas - but didn't look into it or anything.

Several weeks ago he was on holiday with his friend and i was covering him at work; he sent me photos of the scenery where he was and asked how i was getting on in his absence/any news work front (he runs the job we are both on).

Fast forward a week later (6 weeks ago); his rship ended after 6 months. She ended it i believe, but was amicable discussion. She had 2 kids so don't know if they played a part but..

Anyway, conveniently around the same time, he did show interest by texting me to make sure i got home ok (after dropping me off at the station), and wishing me a good weekend. Then it progressed to 'if you're bored later', i.e. if i wanted to chat in the night time (which we'd never done before). I said i didn't want to cross that line and he apologised. I don't recall the turning point but anyway, things became a little flirty (cheeky, not sexual). God knows how I suddenly started to see him in a new, attractive light, but i did.

The texts became more frequent - he was always the pursuer, not me. I made it clear i wanted to regain some control over the situation by allowing me to do the chasing - i.e. i'll text him maybe once through the week and weekends is ok. It was lovely being pursued but i wanted to be in control - emotionally aswell.

He would continue to drop me off at the station after work (this isn't everyday - just couple of times a week, as I WFH 3 days a week). Again, he'd text me asking if i got home ok and texts became more frequent after i got home from work.

When it became clear that a strong chemistry had developed, we did speak about expectations. I said i didn't want a relationship (been in them most of my life), prob more of a FWB thing - a term he said he doesn't normally like to use, but understood the situation.

One day when he dropped me off at the station, about 6 weeks ago now, he went in for a kiss and it was amazing. We did briefly talk about the fact he'd only just come out of a rship and i didnt want to be seen as some sort of rebound; he said he didn't see it like that.

Anyway, for last 6 weeks it's just become more intense - like, him texting me every day of an evening. I love it, don't get me wrong, but subsequently, i have become emotionally involved with him. I've began to fall (but not in love), because he has given me that impression he is interested in not just sex. For exaxmple, texts like 'see you tomorrow beautiful'; 'i would make love to you'; 'you're funny, intelligent, have a big heart'; and things like 'i just want sex with you'; 'i want you to be just mine'; 'id be happy to just spoon/cuddle'. etc. Also, he'd send photos of the meal he had, if he went to a restaurant, or photos of ceramics he made at his weekly ceramics club, photos of him in his friends garden where he was helping them dig up some soil, photos of his group of friends showing them all at a Eurovision party (i'm a massive Eurovision fan). So you can see how these texts/photos are giving me a different impression to that of it just being about sex....

In a different conversation more recentl, we spoke about what type of rship would we have - if not a conventional normal one - (because i didn't want a 'normal' rship'. So i said something like 'not living together, not text everyday, no rship obligations you typically have' etc. He followed this up with 'so would we hold hands... go for lunch...'. We did arrange to meet up actually, at his, because a few weeks earlier he said 'i know this is random but would you like to meet for lunch? or we could go for walk, i could pick you up. Just platonic'. I didn't take him up on it at the time, but asked him few weeks later (last weekend) if he were up for it, and he said he was. In the end it was cancelled, as we both agreed that it would just lead to sex in the end.

As for sex - i said i wouldn't sleep with him until we no longer work together. I'm due to move onto a different job in 4 weeks, and he respects and understands that. He said he's not interested in Tinder and is happy to wait. Things have become more intense because we have become sexually intimate (no oral, just touching). The chemistry is insane.

What really fcked with me head was last Friday. So, he gave me a lift to the station again, but much closer to home ( i work 50 miles away, so he drove me 25 miles closer to a station) - he lives 120 miles away. We became super passionate in the car as the rain poured down and anyway, i left to grab the train. He text me saying he got home ok and we continued to text throughout the night. Texts got more sexually heated and at one point he was talking about kissing me passionately whilst we made love. But this is where it really fcked with my head. So he continues this conversation by saying he'd kiss my neck...spoon me....and then he said 'I'd whisper in your ear........ I love you Sophia'.

It thew me. Naturally. I know he didn't mean it. Imemdiately i shot him down and said 'Dont say things like that. They're strong words which shouldn't be used lightly. Especially when i'm trying to be emotionally resilient'. He apologised and backtracked saying 'im sorry i meant id love to make love to you'. Didn't wash. We moved on from that, but i felt a little angry he'd make a throw away comment like that, especially when i am emotionally involved with him now. We ended the convo about 1am, where he accidently nodded off. The last text i sent him was in response to what sort of long term rship set up would i see us having. Woke up next morning (Saturday gone) to a string of texts saying 'Morning... sorry i nodded off.... interesting dynamic for a rship you mentioned....would we hold hands? Go for lunch? Then have passionate sex'.

So yeh, my head's a bit f*cked. I thought i could do the whole FWB thing but know I can't now. Thankfully i haven't slept with him, nor done oral or anything.

Over the weekend it was pretty quiet, but we text alot last night - but it was chiefly just sexual. Very sexual stuff, photos etc. To the point i felt put off. Why? Because he went from being this guy on Friday night, who came across like he was in love with me, to just very transactional.

What the hell am i supposed to take from these texts where he's sending me photos of what he's up to, photos of his friends, asking if i got home ok, saying he wants to make love to me/or just wants to cuddle, texts saying he just wants sex with me and doesn't want to share me either.

Eugh, i totally see this as a rebound sitatuation but saying/doing those things in the aforementioned paragraph is giving me mixed signals.

Any insight would be appreciated, thank you :)

Is this "PARKERWHEREAREYOU"??

I'm completely confused. Everything you say you want is then contradicted.

You don't want a relationship with him but worry about being a rebound. You can't be a rebound as a fwb. A rebound is a relationship that gets intense as someone works through their emotions about an ex.

You want a fwb situation but don't want the benefit bit til you leave the job.

You don't want him to text "I love you", and pulled him up on it, but you're now worried he's just in it for the sex/benefits bit as he's pulled back on the emotional side

You need to decide what you actually want before blaming him for the mixed signals. Unless he's player of the year, it seems he's very interested in more than fwb, but you keep insisting that's all you want while also seeking emotional involvement and saying no to the benefits bit.

I bet he's as confused as me.

Question I must ask - are you called Sophia?

The way I read it was that he ha called you the wrong name. If so yes he is definitely on the rebound!

Don't get involved casually with someone you work with. If it goes wrong it's awkward.

He could be just playing about. Go out with him a few times with sex and that sort of chat off the table. But now you've talked like that before a relationship of any sort it's muddied the waters.

Personally I'd never get involved with sexual chat with someone I was not in an established relationship with. Makes it easier and it's just how I am.

He is either love bombing you and is a potential abuser, or he's the type of bloke who mistakes sexual attraction and excitement for love. Neither bode well for a FWB situation as you could end up with a Stage 3 Clinger on your hands.

That's leaving aside your own emotional investment here which seems to be all over the shop.

You said "I now realise I can't do Fwb" or similar but it sounds more like this bloke is putting you off the relationship model you want because HE'S incapable and you're trying to force a square peg into a round hole.

FFS just have a relationship with him now you no longer work together and see where it goes

It sounds like mixed messages from your end.

And exhausting!

I don't understand why 2 people who are relatively young, free and single, both unattached, no longer have the issue of working together, would tie themselves in knots like this? Do you want to have sex with him? Yes or no? If yes, give it a go, go on some dates, see what happens. Like every relationship ever in the history of relationships. Doesn't mean it can't be casual. Doesn't mean you will have to marry him. Doesn't mean you can't call it quits if it doesn't work out.

I think the whole FWB is a massive step backwards for human beings. Why do you have to label a fledgling relationship? Give it a go, see if you like it, chuck him if you don't.

I dunno mate.
All sounds overly complicated & too much talking to me.

Both of you sound a mess.

Op it’s you, not him.You didn’t like it when he was acting like he really liked you/was falling for you, and told him off for it. Now he’s listened to you and backed off a bit, you're complaining it feels ‘transactional’ to you. What is it you want him to do? Friends with benefits is just sex, nothing more. But you’re doing literally everything but having sex with him. Texting and flirting constantly, kissing, touching, having him give you lifts in his car. You’re acting like you’re in a relationship with him except you’re refusing to have sex with him, while at the same time telling him you don’t want a relationship, just sex. You sound like a total headfuck, this poor man doesn’t know whether he’s coming or going. From what you’ve said it sounds like he’s constantly changing tactics trying to work out what it is that you actually want, but he gets it wrong every time. What is it that you want him to do?

Yeah he sound nice and sounds like he genuinely likes you and is trying his hardest to get physical with you. Surely that's something you want too given your recent history and the fact you are now finding him attractive with great chemistry? Stop messing him around. Either go out with him (old fashionwd term I know) or don't and let him know which it is. Stop all this obsessing about terms and rules and FWB, it's all bollocks anyway. He sounds like he really likes you. Or he may be just trying to get a shag, who knows. You'll only find out by giving it a go I suppose.

You sound far too caught up in the drama. Get out to the gym more, or some other physical activity that stops all this introspection.

He sounds a bit pathetic ... one of those people who can't be without a partner for a millisecond ...

and you sound the opposite of the picture you are trying to present of a cool, fwb type.

He's definitely a love bomber, anyone who says "I love you", before they are even official is a person who doesn't really feel it, but says it because they think it's what the other person wants to hear.
This situation seems quite amusing on one level. He's showing signs here that he likes the chase part and you have inadvertently, for other reasons, held off the sex for a good while now, which is putting him in a long chase state and likely keeping him eager as anything. So he's adapting to whatever you say, including backing off, because he thinks its what you want.
If/when you do relent, I suspect he will become less enthusiastic over time - unless you can maintain the air of emotional detachment, in which case he will stay in the chase state longer.
I think you should, however, be honest with yourself, are you ready for the pulling away he may well do if/when sex occurs, or has he already sucked you in? I suspect its the latter, otherwise you would not have been doing all the dating behaviour with him already. He has clearly sucked you in on some level as you are giving him a lot of headspace.
It's probably you who is rebounding on balance as a few months after a 6 year relationship is nothing to get over someone, whereas his 6 month relationship is short enough for him to be well over by now. I think you are not over your past yet and that is why you are still trying to protect yourself emotionally, whilst also failing to do so as its not in your nature to be detached, so you are not being true to yourself.

I think @Opentooffers may be on to something there to be honest. Being male, I guess I can see things a little from his perspective, and whilst I don’t know the exact nature of your replies and what might have prompted his comments, they all do sound quite pat statements used to flatter rather than heartfelt statements you blurt out. The big “I love you” is something that might slip out but not usually in the context of being something you say you want to whisper in someone’s ear whilst you’re tempting them into bed. Comes across as smooth talking rather than confessing tbh.

I honestly wonder if you’re holding off on the sec because, at some level, you feel “the chase” as pp put it, is all you’ve got to hold this guy’s attention.

I'm VERY confused about what you want from this 'relationship' and I expect he is too.

That's pretty much it!

Oh and a lot of the confusion seems to come from lengthy text conversations. IMO they're never as 'deep' as they may seem.

You don't know what you want op.
Just go with it and give it a chance

Thanks everyone for your responses, most appreciated!

Ok, to the point - I have abandonment issues and terrified of being binned off, hence why I won’t seek anything more. He’s came out of a 6 month r ship several weeks ago - so yeh obviously I don’t want to be used an discarded after he’s had sex with me.

Hes a work colleague, I don’t want to shit where I eat as that would make things a lot more awkward.

I don’t believe he will want anything serious as he’s just come out of a ship.

To note - we still work together. In 5 weeks time that won’t be the case.

Ive been single nearly 12 months sorry, not 7.

@Ihatethenewlook You asked what it is I want him to do? I want him to say he’s falling in love with me. I don’t believe he is. He’s just going through the motions of being dumped. Why do I want him to fall in love with me? As I’d feel better sleeping with someone who was falling in love with me. I haven’t slept with anyone for 5 fucking years so yeh, it’s a big deal who I sleep with next lol. I know, I know, I sound like a head fuck (made me laugh that comment tbf).

@lassof You said that ‘He sounds a bit pathetic ... one of those people who can't be without a partner for a millisecond ... ‘. Dunno about that, he was single for 2 years before his most recent ship.

You also said “and you sound the opposite of the picture you are trying to present of a cool, fwb type.” - yeh you’re spot on. I am trying to present a cool fwb type because if I reveal my true intentions, I’m worried I’ll be fucked off. Anyway, appreciate your comments!

@Opentooffers

quote -‘ He's definitely a love bomber, anyone who says "I love you", before they are even official is a person who doesn't really feel it, but says it because they think it's what the other person wants to hear.” - But why even say it!? Is it because there’s some emotional attachment there or something? Odd thing to say during exchange of dirty messages….

Quote - “If/when you do relent, I suspect he will become less enthusiastic over time - unless you can maintain the air of emotional detachment, in which case he will stay in the chase state longer”. - EXACTLY this, when I relent, he may become less enthusiastic over time. Don’t most guys once the chase is over!?

Everything else you said was spot on to be fair.

@TossCointoYerWitcher Glad to hear a male perspective- thank you.
you said “I honestly wonder if you’re holding off on the sec because, at some level, you feel “the chase” as pp put it, is all you’ve got to hold this guy’s attention.”

I believe you’re right - plus the fact I don’t want to sleep with him whilst I’m still working with him in close proximity (I.e if I did, and he stepped back, I’d be devastated having to speak/see him still in work).

Conclusion - I definitely want to sleep with him, just not whilst we are still working together. What am I after? Yeh would be nice if feeling was mutual from him, as I wouldn’t be as terrified to sleep with him. I do want all the emotion, affection, adoration from him - but not an actual r ship. Sounds fucked up right, but it’s because I honestly don’t believe I’m ready for one (haven’t been single properly since I was 20!). I’d rather he just came out and said ‘’I’m developing feelings for you’ - THEN I’d chill the fuck out and feel more at ease to sleep with him.

Thanks for al, your comments,, I do appreciate it. Will just have to wait until I no longer work with him and have sex with him then.

I don’t really like using coarse language but are you not already “s@&% where you eat”. It all sounds unbelievably complicated to me, but you seem to be making it that way deliberately. Life is not this hard.

Nothing will come of it. It’s too sex based from the off even if you only talked about it. He just likes the chase. Men will say anything and do anything to get sex including saying they love you. As soon as you sleep with him he’ll be off and you’ll feel crap because you already want more clearly.

I honestly think you're the one giving mixed messages here and you're projecting it on to him.

You told him you don't want a relationship but then discussed what the boundaries of a relationship would look like.

You're sharing all these emotionally intimate moments with him but then get annoyed when he chucks in the 'love' word.

You say you want to keep emotional resilience but then you text him all night and allow him to give you lifts etc.

If I was him, I'd honestly be jolly confused!

I think you need some alone time to figure out what you exactly want. It sounds like you do want a relationship and if that's the case, then tell him that. But right now, it just sounds all over the place and one, if not both of you are going to end up pretty hurt.

It's only 5 weeks til you leave!

Personally, it sounds as if there is chemistry and you should explore it. Maybe it'll turn into something, maybe it won't... but isn't that how life just goes?

Or, alternatively bin him off and get yourself a fwb online.

Either way, I think you're stringing him a long at the moment as he's evidently keen.

This whole thing seems so weird to me and a bit sleazy. I think you're unused to being single and are selling yourself short. I can't imagine fancying someone who describes what he'd like to do or say to me if we were together ranging from holding hands, making love to me, whispering he loves me in my ear, or sexual stuff. Isn't it all meant to be more subtle and exciting. It's like he wants to go on a date with you and sleep with you but you're brushing him off so he has resorted to advertising what dating him would be like. This is all really odd and off putting to me. It's simple: if you fancied him enough you would not only know you'd want to go on a date you'd be really bloody excited about it and wouldn't be being so worried about where it all leads.