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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sick of doing everything at home

77 replies

ftm79507 · 22/05/2022 07:50

I am so tired of my partner. We have a ds who is 11 months old currently going through a regression, I wake up with him, I put him to bed and EVERYTHING in between, while my partner works. One day off is all I asked of, last weekend he got a nice peaceful morning on Sunday, coffee brought to him everything was done as it usually is, ironing, cleaning, pack lunches, bed changed, everything a bath run for him last night. But this morning, I want to myself, I've gotten up at 5.30 had to bring my partner a coffee to wake up feed the baby, then after I finally done everything, he starts pestering me for sex while I'm trying to sleep, resulting into a moody dad, then he goes to have a shower!! And now I am being told what's the point in having a lay in when I got an earlier enough night even though I was up 4 times, and his in a mood. Why is my life like this I don't understand I feel like I'm crazy

OP posts:
MolliciousIntent · 22/05/2022 07:53

It's because you've had a baby with a dickhead. It's time for a come to Jesus talk, he steps the fuck up or he gets the fuck out.

somewhereovertherain · 22/05/2022 07:54

You need to leave him with the baby for the day and go somewhere. Seems like a man child who really doesn’t appreciate how hard a baby is.

Shoxfordian · 22/05/2022 07:54

It’s like that because you have a useless partner by the sounds of it

Original poster
ftm79507 · 22/05/2022 07:55

MolliciousIntent · 22/05/2022 07:53

It's because you've had a baby with a dickhead. It's time for a come to Jesus talk, he steps the fuck up or he gets the fuck out.

Certainly feels like it, wish I had time for a coffee or a shower before my day started, but because he works he thinks this is all okay. I understand that he works hard for us, but I've been begging to go back to work aswell and I just keep getting told that I can't afford to work so I have to be a stay at home mum which I never wanted to be because I'm not strong enough mentally to do that and he knows this. Just so tired of it all.

OP posts:
MolliciousIntent · 22/05/2022 07:56

Don't give him the option. Find childcare, and go back to work. Then build yourself a nice buffer and get yourself and your baby away from this wanker.

KangarooKenny · 22/05/2022 07:57

You do too much for him, and you are starting to resent him.

Workinghardeveryday · 22/05/2022 07:58

I feel your pain.

the only advice I can give you is to make a list of EVERYTHING you do. And I mean everything and go into detail.

make a list of what he is doing.

show him the list and tell him things have to change, none negotiable.

explain you are both parents, it’s a team effort. Yes he is out at work but you are working at home looking after your baby and doing everything else. You both deserve down time, your burned out and it cannot carry on.

unfortunately for me I didn’t do any of the above when my now ds11,dd11,dd16 where little. I now suffer with terrible anxiety and have done for years. I am sure that is why.

he’s much better now and does share more of the load.

put your foot down!!!

candlesandpitchforks · 22/05/2022 07:59

MolliciousIntent · 22/05/2022 07:53

It's because you've had a baby with a dickhead. It's time for a come to Jesus talk, he steps the fuck up or he gets the fuck out.

All of this.

Some men seem to think that they get to opt out of parenting because they have a penis. They also forget if you leave them then they have to actively parent without you and take on the wife work.

Bit of a shock for some tbh

Original poster
ftm79507 · 22/05/2022 08:03

somewhereovertherain · 22/05/2022 07:54

You need to leave him with the baby for the day and go somewhere. Seems like a man child who really doesn’t appreciate how hard a baby is.

He didn't even know where to look for his high chair this morning and then sat down to feed him after I brought in ds water bottle and sighed because I didn't bring the porridge to feed ds to him!!! I've gone upstairs he thinks it's pointless me having this day off to rest and thinks I've had enough rest

OP posts:
Original poster
ftm79507 · 22/05/2022 08:04

MolliciousIntent · 22/05/2022 07:56

Don't give him the option. Find childcare, and go back to work. Then build yourself a nice buffer and get yourself and your baby away from this wanker.

I don't think he'd be happy for that, he tells me I should feel lucky I get to stay home all day which is nice that I get unlimited time with ds but I don't feel lucky. I have no friends no money of my own and no time to myself

OP posts:
Original poster
ftm79507 · 22/05/2022 08:04

KangarooKenny · 22/05/2022 07:57

You do too much for him, and you are starting to resent him.

I feel like his mother.

OP posts:
Blanca87 · 22/05/2022 08:06

what do you mean you are not allowed to go back to work? He is controlling you by making you dependable on him. You need to address this pronto and it’s not just your responsibility to solve he needs to pay towards childcare too.

Original poster
ftm79507 · 22/05/2022 08:07

Workinghardeveryday · 22/05/2022 07:58

I feel your pain.

the only advice I can give you is to make a list of EVERYTHING you do. And I mean everything and go into detail.

make a list of what he is doing.

show him the list and tell him things have to change, none negotiable.

explain you are both parents, it’s a team effort. Yes he is out at work but you are working at home looking after your baby and doing everything else. You both deserve down time, your burned out and it cannot carry on.

unfortunately for me I didn’t do any of the above when my now ds11,dd11,dd16 where little. I now suffer with terrible anxiety and have done for years. I am sure that is why.

he’s much better now and does share more of the load.

put your foot down!!!

He does know this I've brought it up a few times. But he seems to think I stress about easy things at home.

I'm just so sad that when he has a tough week at work regardless everything he wants gets given to him. He was almost jetting off too Portugal this month because he hit his sales target and they were giving him a free all inclusive holiday. But it got cancelled. I don't know I'll definitely try the list thing, I just wish I didn't feel like a single parent all the time. I know it's def not making my mental health better either

OP posts:
IloveJudgeJudy · 22/05/2022 08:08

Please don't let him tell you what to do. You really need to go back to work. Why does he get to decide? Even if, after childcare costs ( which should be shared) you don't take home much, it will be good for you to be a person again iykwim.

KangarooKenny · 22/05/2022 08:08

You’d have less to do if you were a single parent.

Original poster
ftm79507 · 22/05/2022 08:09

Blanca87 · 22/05/2022 08:06

what do you mean you are not allowed to go back to work? He is controlling you by making you dependable on him. You need to address this pronto and it’s not just your responsibility to solve he needs to pay towards childcare too.

When I talk about it he says I can get a part time job but I couldn't afford child care out of that wage and that he doesn't want anyone else looking after DS because it's not fair that he has to go to someone else.

OP posts:
Original poster
ftm79507 · 22/05/2022 08:09

IloveJudgeJudy · 22/05/2022 08:08

Please don't let him tell you what to do. You really need to go back to work. Why does he get to decide? Even if, after childcare costs ( which should be shared) you don't take home much, it will be good for you to be a person again iykwim.

I know I'd love to go back to work I miss meeting people my age and socialising so much

OP posts:
Original poster
ftm79507 · 22/05/2022 08:10

KangarooKenny · 22/05/2022 08:08

You’d have less to do if you were a single parent.

I do feel like I have to look after two children lol

OP posts:
BruceAndNosh · 22/05/2022 08:11

Why the fuck are you running his bath for him?
Is he 3?

franke · 22/05/2022 08:15

You can't afford NOT to go back to work by the sound of it.

Stop doing unnecessary stuff for him and start putting yourself first. He can run his own bath and make his own coffee. Yes it's nice to nice things for each other. But that's not what's happening here is it? If you're worried about the fall out of not doing stuff for him, then your relationship problems are more serious than you think.

In the first instance you need to grab back some time for yourself, which means you just stop certain, unimportant tasks (you decide this). How much time to himself does he have compared to you? If it's a lot more (and I bet it is) then the balance needs to be redressed by you (he's not going to offer is he).

Then you need to start thinking about how you can make your return to work a reality.

You have every right to time for yourself and every right to work outside the home if you choose to.

Parkperson00 · 22/05/2022 08:16

There was a thread on here from a teacher asking everyone to stop her resigning from her job. She found her job exhausting and she had three kids but she said her job gave her so much self worth. Everyone told her not to give up.
A job will help you feel like your own person again. It will give you self respect and may well encourage your husband to treat you with more respect. Your son will benefit a lot from the stimulation that Nursery will give him.
You may not make a lot of money but you will be paying into a pension, advancing your career and hopefully becoming a happier mother.

crystalize · 22/05/2022 08:16

Urgh I bet you can't bear to have him near you. It is like you're mothering him. Just stop it being his personal slave. Why are you bringing him coffee in bed and making packed lunches? This pattern needs to stop. You don't need his permission to go back to work. If he, the mighty one doesn't step up (which I highly doubt) you'd be much better off on your own where you can get free time to yourself at weekends.

Anonnnnnnm · 22/05/2022 08:17

Genuine question, why are you with this person? Sounds like he contributes very little effort to you and your kid. Just leave him.

silentpool · 22/05/2022 08:18

Why do women put up with men like this? It's depressing. OP, get a full time job and LTB.

WaterBottle123 · 22/05/2022 08:18

This sounds like coercive control OP, which is abuse. He won't 'let' you work?

Can you call woman's aid? Do you feel safe?