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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sick of doing everything at home

77 replies

ftm79507 · 22/05/2022 07:50

I am so tired of my partner. We have a ds who is 11 months old currently going through a regression, I wake up with him, I put him to bed and EVERYTHING in between, while my partner works. One day off is all I asked of, last weekend he got a nice peaceful morning on Sunday, coffee brought to him everything was done as it usually is, ironing, cleaning, pack lunches, bed changed, everything a bath run for him last night. But this morning, I want to myself, I've gotten up at 5.30 had to bring my partner a coffee to wake up feed the baby, then after I finally done everything, he starts pestering me for sex while I'm trying to sleep, resulting into a moody dad, then he goes to have a shower!! And now I am being told what's the point in having a lay in when I got an earlier enough night even though I was up 4 times, and his in a mood. Why is my life like this I don't understand I feel like I'm crazy

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 22/05/2022 11:25

Stop asking his permission and waiting for him to be the man he clearly isn’t. You’ve slept walked into the role of him treating you like a child and you acting like his Mum, a lose lose situation.

Get a job!!!! Don’t ask, just get one. Yes, he will probably get angry and push back but if you don’t assert yourself and advocate for yourself in this relationship, no one else will.

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 22/05/2022 11:25

You are an unpaid cleaner, nanny, babysitter, baby making machine and some one who he can have sex with. Why are you running him a bath?!!! You are enabling his behaviour. Stop doing shite for him fgs. Can you get a job? Are you educated? You need to have some self worth and independence. Stop living like this

myuterusistryingtokillme · 22/05/2022 11:32

coffee brought to him everything was done as it usually is, ironing, cleaning, pack lunches, a bath run for him last night

Well here is a list of things that you should stop doing, why the hell are you running a bath for him?

newplanneeded · 22/05/2022 11:41

why do you behave like his mother, but in the same time you allow him to dictate how to live your life?

if you want to go back to work, you do that.

why are you allowing him to call the shots?
you are an adult.

LKsGrowler · 22/05/2022 11:53

Well he has you just where he wants you doesn't he? One step away from barefoot & pregnant in the kitchen. Waking him with coffee (cause he gets the sleep of course), running his baths !? Expecting sex on tap AND of course caring for his child single handedly. You're in servitude basically...even slaves in Ancient Rome had the right to work & earn their freedom ,he's told you you don't even have that...

Question is: what are you going to do about it?

AhNowTed · 22/05/2022 12:05

No offence OP but you are sleep walking into a life of servitude, no access to money and being totally reliant on an arsehole who doesn't see you as an equal.

Not allowed? Come on OP, you know better than that.

He works does he. Boo hoo. So do I and we both know that going to work, having to think about only yourself all day is far easier than looking after small children.

You really need to go back to work.

FuglyBitch · 22/05/2022 12:09

I know it’d be hard but could you get a job in the opposite hours to your partner, so when he’s home you wouldn’t need to pay for childcare. Weekend or evening work eg in a supermarket or restaurant?
He’d have no choice but to figure out how to care for his own kid as well as himself

TopFox · 22/05/2022 13:13

God, why are so many people swearing F* this on this thread? Its a public forum, totally unnecessary. People need to calm down - take your OTT aggression and bleat it elsewhere.

Intrigueddotcom · 22/05/2022 13:14

TopFox · 22/05/2022 13:13

God, why are so many people swearing F* this on this thread? Its a public forum, totally unnecessary. People need to calm down - take your OTT aggression and bleat it elsewhere.

Oh the beautiful irony

AhNowTed · 22/05/2022 13:15

@Intrigueddotcom

Indeed 😂

MolliciousIntent · 22/05/2022 14:21

TopFox · 22/05/2022 13:13

God, why are so many people swearing F* this on this thread? Its a public forum, totally unnecessary. People need to calm down - take your OTT aggression and bleat it elsewhere.

It's almost like we're all autonomous adults who are able to choose our own language and express ourselves however the fuck we like!

The horror.

DogsAndGin · 22/05/2022 15:01

Did he save his true colours for after your got married? Surely you knew what he was like when you decided he would be the perfect husband and father to your children?

Original poster
ftm79507 · 22/05/2022 15:23

Well Thankyou for the response I really didn't expect this many people lol. We aren't married and we are 4 hours away from and friends and family. It's just me and baby most days and then he is home extremely late. He also goes on road trips with work, infact I think his going Ibiza in a few months. So I am use to doing this on my own however I really did just want today. But I've essentially done everything anyways. I would get up and leave because I am starting to resent him however I am so far away from home I would be completely on my own with my baby. I did have ambitions I have a makeup qualification but I have sacrificed my career because I essentially didn't have the choice. He decided I was going to be the stay at home and I didn't rebel because he made lots of empty promises to keep me as I am. I am certainly going to go on a strike I do feel like a slave and it's exhausting doing everything on top of what I do anyways. I'm not sure why he can't get into his head that his jobs no harder than what I do but he thinks I have it easy. Thankyou all for making me feel as though I wasn't going crazy and it wasn't okay. I wasn't sure if I was over reacting to be honest.

OP posts:
VJasper86 · 22/05/2022 15:25

Lay down the rules now and make it clear that this is how it has to be. Parenting is a 24/7 job, it doesn’t matter that he goes to work as when he is at work, you are working at home. So when he gets home, you should share.
I know from experience as I now have an 8 yr old and a 2 year old and i do 80% of it all. The kids, the chores, organising days out, holidays, home improvements. I’ve tried and tried to figure out a way for dh to do things, but he just forgets as I always took the lead and looked after everyone.
I love being able to go to work and it’s where I get my sanity from.
I am now in counselling and at the edge of trying to work out if I want our marriage to survive.
This isn’t the life I wanted and I wish I had put my foot down at the start.

AhNowTed · 22/05/2022 15:27

"I wasn't sure if I was over reacting to be honest."

You're under-reacting OP.

Quartz2208 · 22/05/2022 16:09

ftm79507 · 22/05/2022 15:23

Well Thankyou for the response I really didn't expect this many people lol. We aren't married and we are 4 hours away from and friends and family. It's just me and baby most days and then he is home extremely late. He also goes on road trips with work, infact I think his going Ibiza in a few months. So I am use to doing this on my own however I really did just want today. But I've essentially done everything anyways. I would get up and leave because I am starting to resent him however I am so far away from home I would be completely on my own with my baby. I did have ambitions I have a makeup qualification but I have sacrificed my career because I essentially didn't have the choice. He decided I was going to be the stay at home and I didn't rebel because he made lots of empty promises to keep me as I am. I am certainly going to go on a strike I do feel like a slave and it's exhausting doing everything on top of what I do anyways. I'm not sure why he can't get into his head that his jobs no harder than what I do but he thinks I have it easy. Thankyou all for making me feel as though I wasn't going crazy and it wasn't okay. I wasn't sure if I was over reacting to be honest.

You are doing all of this on your own - plus looking after him

because I essentially didn't have the choice

Yes you do

Theeyeballsinthefuckingsky · 22/05/2022 16:33

Oh lord and of course you’re not married either

sweetheart you have allowed yourself to become reliant on a totally selfish dickhead who could boot you out tomorrow if he só choose leaving you and DC with nothing . I assume all the running around pandering is to protect yourself from him suddenly deciding he’s fed up with you and ending things. I mean if you’re the perfect gf how could he kick you out…..

get a job, get some money & start making some proactive choices

NewandNotImproved · 22/05/2022 17:27

You can dump your worthless scumbag of a boyfriend any time. Ideally, soon.

Terrible idea to be dependent on him as just a girlfriend you are making yourself extremely vulnerable, you need to get back to work as soon as possible.

Your tolerance of appalling behaviour from a man is worrying, you think this might be normal or acceptable? Yikes.

MadMadMadamMim · 22/05/2022 17:40

When he tells you that you can't afford child care give him a blank stare and point out that you can afford HALF the childcare. I mean - obviously you are not going to work and pay for ALL childcare. It's his child too. Therefore he'll be paying half of it.

I'm concerned that you say you have no money of your own. Why don't you have access to joint money? He is working and should be making sure that you have money of your own, as you are caring full time for his child - and thereby allowing him to pursue his career.

I agree with all the others who says he sounds like a selfish dickhead. You'd be better off as a single mum and claiming maintenance off him, to be honest.

Mary46 · 22/05/2022 18:07

You be more respected out working. Op I have teens I stopped running after them. All me me me with them. Feel for you. Stop run after him he a grown adult

pointythings · 22/05/2022 18:08

TopFox · 22/05/2022 13:13

God, why are so many people swearing F* this on this thread? Its a public forum, totally unnecessary. People need to calm down - take your OTT aggression and bleat it elsewhere.

God, why are people clutching their pearls at a few F-bombs? It's a public forum and people are actually free to express themselves. People need to calm down and untwist those knickers.

boronia · 22/05/2022 23:50

BruceAndNosh · 22/05/2022 08:11

Why the fuck are you running his bath for him?
Is he 3?

I must admit my mouth fell open at this.

Time for him to step up and share the load.

whatisheupto · 23/05/2022 00:00

You've got a fight on your hands. You shouldn't have to, but unfortunately you need to stand up for yourself and start demanding he does his share and telling him what you need and expect. It's hard when you've never had to do that before and might not find it comes naturally to you.

Why do you have no money? Don't you have access to the earnings he earns for your family?

Why would you have to pay for the childcare? Wouldn't he pay for it?

Bunty55 · 23/05/2022 00:13

He's not your dad. He's not your boss. He does not get to decide what you do. It is your life. Stop running anything by him. Make your own decisions because by hell -that is what he does.

Take control back now or you will never have any

AffIt · 23/05/2022 00:20

Christ, this is basically 'don't do that' bingo.

The OP is unmarried, isn't working, has either no career/work experience or very little, no independent income or savings, no friends or family around etc.

Holy shit. I've only been on MN for about five years, but I swear I read something identical to this about twice a week and it's incredibly depressing.

How can we make women believe in better for themselves?

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