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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Sick of doing everything at home

77 replies

ftm79507 · 22/05/2022 07:50

I am so tired of my partner. We have a ds who is 11 months old currently going through a regression, I wake up with him, I put him to bed and EVERYTHING in between, while my partner works. One day off is all I asked of, last weekend he got a nice peaceful morning on Sunday, coffee brought to him everything was done as it usually is, ironing, cleaning, pack lunches, bed changed, everything a bath run for him last night. But this morning, I want to myself, I've gotten up at 5.30 had to bring my partner a coffee to wake up feed the baby, then after I finally done everything, he starts pestering me for sex while I'm trying to sleep, resulting into a moody dad, then he goes to have a shower!! And now I am being told what's the point in having a lay in when I got an earlier enough night even though I was up 4 times, and his in a mood. Why is my life like this I don't understand I feel like I'm crazy

OP posts:

MoodyTwo · 22/05/2022 08:18

I agree , you need to get back to work ...
When you say you can't afford it, is that taking into account the WHOLE household income (not just yours?)
You need to think also , apart from just how much it costs, think about your pension / your pay rise opportunity / childcare vouchers ... these also go towards how much you benefit for working

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 22/05/2022 08:19

a bath run for him last night
what the actual fuck?!?!

the problem is youre treating him too well because you think that he will feel what it is like and start treating you better. He wont because he is a selfish controlling dickhead.

and youre doing all this, not working, not being supported, doing everything at home, having no money, not paying into a pension, not building up savings, not getting work experience, WITHOUT the legal protection of marriage.

Parkperson00 · 22/05/2022 08:19

One of the great taboo subjects on MN is the fact that women are so much more likely to have mental health issues, have cognitive difficulties and ultimately are twice as likely to develop dementia. There is no physiological reason for this but it has been suggested that a contributory factor is not working outside the home.
Find a job asap

OzziePopPop · 22/05/2022 08:27

It’s usual for half childcare to be paid by each parent… half your kid, half your bill?

If not then childcare paid in proportion to income is fair? I’ve no idea why it’d be all your job to pay it??

MissBPotter · 22/05/2022 08:35

Why does he have the final say? If you’re not married you should never be a stay at home mum, too much to lose. What’s the house situation? Are you on mat leave or did you quit your job when ds came along? How about a job at weekends then he can look after ds while you’re at work. Do you have family that could help with childcare? Either way you want a job so you should absolutely get one. He should be supporting you to do this. He sounds very controlling.

Vijia · 22/05/2022 08:37

Stop cooking, cleaning and servicing this selfish thoughtless man who has conveniently forgotten that kindness and thoughtfulness and give and take are the seeds for a happy and long term and successful relationship.

At least he has shown you his true colours early on.

Email him a list of daily, weekly, monthly tasks and ask him to initial half as from now on he is responsible.

If he refuses do not ever go down the route of nagging, he will tune you out.

Email him or leave him copies of expectations and responsibilities of a kind and loving husband and dad and say it's not all one way.

You should have access to the joint account. If you don't it sounds as if you are the cleaner, housekeeper, cook and house maid and volunteer sex provider ( at least prostitutes get paid) rather than partner or wife.

It sounds as if he wants to rape you as he has no interest in your feelings, it's all about you servicing his needs.

Babies are mobile so you can gather up your stuff and leave. It won't get better.

If you are trapped or feel you are, get outside help.

Your mental health will suffer if you stay and emotionally and financially abusive men will use this to threaten you and undermine you if you are not very careful.

You do not want your DC growing up with such a terrible male role model as they will be influenced by how daddy treats mummy.

You know what you need to do so gather your strength and resolve to get out.

LizzieSiddal · 22/05/2022 08:39

don't think he'd be happy for that, he tells me I should feel lucky I get to stay home all day

Well he doesn’t care that you aren’t happy so it’s time to stop worrying about him being happy.

Find some childcare, find a job and go back to work. He is controlling you and taking the piss. Do you want to be unhappy for the rest of your life living with someone who doesn’t care about you?

cptartapp · 22/05/2022 08:39

He can't be arsed.
He'll have to be arsed half of every week on his own if you split.
Threaten him with that.

ThePoetsWife · 22/05/2022 08:54

He is not your boss.

Stop pandering to him and doing his chores and focus on yourself and DC.

Go back to work - childcare is a shared cost so it comes out of both your wages.

Player001 · 22/05/2022 08:58

He is conditioning you to be 100% reliant on him and to make sure you take care of his every want and need to make sure he stays happy.

Do you feel like you are walking on eggshells all the time because you don't want him 'in a mood'? Yes is the answer, correct?

He won't 'let' you go back to work because he doesn't care about how you feel and he doesnt want to lose his slave. In a proper partnership both parents would be doing whatever it takes for the other to be happy and both paying for childcare

If you stay you will be raising your DS to believe that this is how women should be treated.

OurChristmasMiracle · 22/05/2022 09:16

You aren’t allowed to go back to work because HE doesn’t want someone else looking after his child? Well guess what- HE can stay at home and sacrifice HIS career and freedom and really understand how hard it is to look after a baby and a home.

ultimately I wouldn’t say i “want to go back to work” I would state “I am going back to work so we need to discuss whether ds will go to nursery, a childminder or you stay at home with him”

he sounds abusive tbh and like he is making you completely reliant on him so he can ensure you can’t leave.

LaurieFairyCake · 22/05/2022 09:20

Leave him

Go back to work

Get maintenance and child care vouchers

Live your fucking life free of this cunt

pointythings · 22/05/2022 09:21

He doesn't get to decide whether you are a SAHM or not. He doesn't get to decide whether your child goes into childcare and for how long. He's doing this to keep you dependent and under his control - his little domestic slave. Don't let him. Personally I think this relationship is beyond saving - if he kicks off when you start looking for full time work, your next step is to get the hell out because this man is already an abuser.

Intrigueddotcom · 22/05/2022 09:23

Op there is an strong whiff of martyrdom in your OP

andtheycalledthewindmoriah · 22/05/2022 09:27

MolliciousIntent · 22/05/2022 07:56

Don't give him the option. Find childcare, and go back to work. Then build yourself a nice buffer and get yourself and your baby away from this wanker.

Except you can't get away if he goes for 50% custody. You think you can just walk off and stop a dad seeing his child forever?

NarcissasMumintheDoghouse · 22/05/2022 09:46

Oh, OP, I could have written the exact same post when my first baby was 11 months old. The same career-taking-off man who expects his wife to service his every need; dictating how he wants his child brought up, without actually being prepared to pitch in; and basically devolving every aspect of domestic life to wifey.

I, too, started feeling like the role he allotted me was that of his mum, keeping the home fires burning while he pursued his career. Not a partner, not even a fellow human being. Mum.

You running his bath and making his packed lunches? I bet that started with him showing touching, boyish appreciation that made you want to pamper him. Not it's your job and you don't get any thanks.

The pestering for sex after you've just spent hours non-stop without him offering the help or on-side appreciation that would actually make you want to slip into sexual intimacy despite being dead tired? It so rang a bell with me. And the next step in your DH's evolution is that he finds a bit on the side. He won't want to run off with her, just have his fun with an unencumbered woman while his mum-wife ensures his child is being cared for in the way he approves, his shirts are ironed and his packed lunches made with the crusts cut off, just as he likes them. His excuse will be "you didn't want to have sex with me, so I found someone who did".

My advice to you is - Get A Job - he can like it or lump it - and don't have any more children with this pathetic narcissist.

RandomMess · 22/05/2022 09:52

Tell him that you either get a job and it's shared finances with equal spending money or you are leaving.

Anonnnnnnm · 22/05/2022 10:29

@andtheycalledthewindmoriah if he wants 50% custody I'm sure OP wouldn't mind. Judging by his contribution so far I'd say his risk of going for custody is about 0.01%. It would mean putting effort in. Can't even run himself a bath.....

andtheycalledthewindmoriah · 22/05/2022 10:35

Anonnnnnnm · 22/05/2022 10:29

Not sure how you're sure of that but my comment was a direct response to the assertion that leaving him just gets rid of him, which is very naïve.

And when it comes to access to children, vindictiveness and resentment are a great motivator.

Quartz2208 · 22/05/2022 10:39

The reason he wants you at home is because you do everything for him and he likes it

You cant go on like this - being his maid. He sounds at best controlling and has left you with no friends and no money and the only thing to do is pander after him

Anonnnnnnm · 22/05/2022 10:41

@andtheycalledthewindmoriah it wasn't OP that made that comment, and I really doubt she'd cut him off from kid. She just needs to get herself out of there for her own sake as she deserves better.

femfemlicious · 22/05/2022 10:45

@ftm79507 honestly the best tjing you can do for yourself right now Please make sure you have unbreakable birth control! Honestly! Even if you dont leave him no more kids!

Mischance · 22/05/2022 10:52

I would certainly stop waiting on him hand and foot and taking him cups of coffee - I am assuming he can do it by himself!

I can understand that after working hard all week, he would like a peaceful restful time at the weekend; but what he is not gasping is that so would you! Ask him how he would feel if his weekends consisted of continuing to work - every weekend.

The crux of the matter is that he does not see what you are doing as work - you are just dossing around at home with the baby in his book.

Hop off for a day and leave baby with him - just do it. Hopefully he will then grasp that you are working every day! Unless you feel baby will not be properly looked after when you are not there - which is worrying in itself.

He cannot tell you not to get a job - you can discuss it between you and he can express an opinion on it, but he cannot tell you what to do or not do. It is not in his gift to refuse to allow you to.

He does not sound like a keeper to be honest. I am sorry that you are in this situation.

cornflakedreams · 22/05/2022 10:59

This sounds like abuse - coercive control.

It's not normal.

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 22/05/2022 11:14

andtheycalledthewindmoriah · 22/05/2022 09:27

Except you can't get away if he goes for 50% custody. You think you can just walk off and stop a dad seeing his child forever?

Show quote history

What makes you think this one would want 50/50? Do you think he would just to avoid paying anything towards the child’s upkeep?

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