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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have a crush on my husbands best friend! Please help!

61 replies

Kitty1342 · 22/05/2022 02:46

I have a crush on my husbands best friend and it's driving me crazy. I think about him 24/7.

I love my husband and we have two young children, we have a nice life and still find each other sexually attractive.

His best friend I had a short relationship with when I was a teenager. So there is history. But I have been with my husband for 15 years.

It all started about 2 years ago. We started seeing his friend more and he helped us with projects around the house and my attraction to him just grew. We have so much in common and he's really fun to be around. I feel like we have an electricity towards each other. And he regularly compliments me.

I literally just need this to stop though. Any tips for getting over this? I would never cheat and neither would his friend as we are both loyal to my husband. Please help.

OP posts:
Namechanger355 · 22/05/2022 03:23

Just think of what you would lose if anything were to happen- would it really be worth it

GraceL365 · 22/05/2022 04:14

A crush in itself can be harmless but it’s a bit tricky with him being your husbands best friend as you will have to see him so feelings can grow further and intensify. If you really are happy with your life then maybe you just need to put some distance between you both for a while and focus on your family. Have some date nights with your husband and think about how you’d feel if you were to lose him.

WTF475878237NC · 22/05/2022 04:23

Avoid him as much as possible for a while until it goes. If he's really that loyal he won't say a word. If he contacts you and asks why you're avoiding him do not tell him. That way cheating lies.

Hariboqueen1 · 22/05/2022 05:06

I agree to avoid him as much as possible. When he’s there don’t spend time making small talk with him. Don’t be one of those people who say ‘We couldn’t help it we just fell in love’ You can always help it, you don’t allow your feelings to grow.

Kitten2 · 22/05/2022 05:29

You're probably just a bit bored and focusing on it as an escape. Essentially harmless but find something else to think about

Beefcurtains79 · 22/05/2022 10:05

Imagine how disgusted your kids would be if you did anything and when they were older they found out you cheated on their dad with his best friend, they’d never look at you the same.

Original poster
Kitty1342 · 22/05/2022 10:08

Thank you guys. I did clearly say I would never cheat. It's not even a consideration. I'm too loyal to my family as I would see cheating as cheating on not just my husband but my children as well.

It's just I need to re program my brain not to think about him. Thank you for the suggestions. I'll try to avoid him when I can but not always possible when he's at my house all weekend.

OP posts:
SylvanianFrenemies · 22/05/2022 10:12

Avoid him as much as possible.
Why is he at your house so much?
Could you talk to your husband about having more time without his friend in tow?

Original poster
Kitty1342 · 22/05/2022 10:19

My husband is not a DIY person and we have recently moved into a new house and he's been helping renovate it.

OP posts:
AWOL66 · 22/05/2022 10:34

Saying he's really fun to be around, that there's electricity between you and that he compliments you a lot sounds like a red flag to me. There's men that live for flirting and getting their ego stroked by women. They can be charming and put on a whole kind of funny performance like an entertainer in front of a woman so they feel like wow we have such great chats, jokes and connection, they notice my hair etc they'd be such a great boyfriend. The reality is they do this ALL THE TIME with other women for the attention and may sleep with them but may not even do that and just enjoy using them to boost their ego. Some will sleep with married women but won't stick around and will blame the woman and even husband saying they probably had affairs themselves (that's what narcissists do). Without meeting him who knows but I personally wouldn't cross the boundary of over complinenting my best friend's husband. It's just weird and rude.

Mrpunchisagit · 22/05/2022 10:36

You are already cheating, don’t you think your husband would be devastated ro know you’ve the major hots for his mate?

AWOL66 · 22/05/2022 10:54

PS Re reading my post above sorry if what I said sounds harsh but it's not meant personally to you. I imagine you to be attractive and fun and fanciable I just get sick of this type manipulating women at the expense of everyone else and feel for your husband. Dating now is satuated with this stuff. I've known a few men like that and watched how things have played out for people and it's really frustrating. I just want you to be aware of this type of mindset and not get entrenched in anything for the sake of someone else's ego boost.

Cstring · 22/05/2022 11:50

Mrpunchisagit · 22/05/2022 10:36

You are already cheating, don’t you think your husband would be devastated ro know you’ve the major hots for his mate?

Having a crush that is not acted upon is cheating. It’s cheating when she does something about it.
you need to put some distance between yourselves and focus on what this fall out would be if you started an affair.

Cstring · 22/05/2022 11:50

Sorry is NOT cheating!!

onelittlefrog · 22/05/2022 11:57

If you and him both would never consider cheating then it's not much of an issue really is it? Just try to compartmentalise it and minimise times when you are alone together as much as possible. It will probably pass over time.

@Mrpunchisagit Having a crush isn't cheating, we are all human and there is more than one attractive person in the world. That is a ridiculously judgemental and small-minded attitude. It's about what you do with it when it happens.

AhNowTed · 22/05/2022 12:11

Mrpunchisagit · 22/05/2022 10:36

You are already cheating, don’t you think your husband would be devastated ro know you’ve the major hots for his mate?

Of course it's not cheating. FGS!

We're not struck blind just because we're married.

OP it's quite common, it will pass, but you need to put some distance between yourself and this man.

Original poster
Kitty1342 · 22/05/2022 12:11

Thank you. I agree fancying someone isn't cheating. Can you honestly say if you've been with someone 15 years then you've never fancied someone else. You can cheat emotionally if you are messaging someone and meeting up alone. But we don't do that. I never message him, I try only to spend time with him when my husband is there. But I can't help the attraction and chemistry. I just needed tips trying to get my mind to switch off from him. Also he's not typically good looking so he's not a player by any means. I've known him for longer than my husband probably 17 years and he's only ever been in long term relationships in his adult life, he just happens to be single currently. I wish he would get a girlfriend if I'm honest because I find it easier when he does.

OP posts:
Mrpunchisagit · 22/05/2022 12:16

I think if you’re constantly fantasising about someone else and spending time with them, it’s a form of cheating yes, but the point remains if her husband knew she was lusting after his best friend and thinking about him constantly and likely flirting he’d be very hurt. As she would be if he was doing it to one of her mates.

if my husband had the raging hots for one of my mates, was thinking about her constantly and going on about their chemistry I’d be fucking furious.

AhNowTed · 22/05/2022 12:20

Mrpunchisagit · 22/05/2022 12:16

I think if you’re constantly fantasising about someone else and spending time with them, it’s a form of cheating yes, but the point remains if her husband knew she was lusting after his best friend and thinking about him constantly and likely flirting he’d be very hurt. As she would be if he was doing it to one of her mates.

if my husband had the raging hots for one of my mates, was thinking about her constantly and going on about their chemistry I’d be fucking furious.

Again, no it's not cheating by any stretch.

I am in a very long relationship/marriage and of course I've found other people attractive along the way, and fantasised a bit.

Been there done that probably 2 or 3 times. Each time it passed with no damage done.

SpringSunshine09 · 22/05/2022 12:21

I think I would approach this in a similar way to how I manage intrusive thoughts. This means trying not to give too much power to your thoughts. As soon as you get into a conversation in your mind it validates your thoughts and makes the situation feel more real. For example you might be thinking 'he looks good today', then it might lead to the thought 'ah I fancy him, this is so bad - oh no what would my husband think? What does this mean etc' - the more you allow the conversation to happen in your mind, the more you give power to the situation and it will cause feelings of guilt, shame, worry etc, it will also means the conversation keeps going.

I would try to normalise the initial thought - it's okay to find other people attractive. And then just label the thought 'okay, that's a thought about finding this man attractive' - detach yourself and just keep practising trying to stop yourself in your tracks when you spiral about it. You will get better at it with time. Remember your thoughts do not represent reality, you haven't cheated, you haven't done anything. The fact you are worried about these thoughts show you are a good person and that you do not intend to do anything. They are just thoughts. Try to detach the power from them. It's okay to find other people attractive and to think about them. It's the actions that cause the problems not the thoughts.

I think this might be the best way to slowly feel less attracted to this man or just to detach and feel like - it's fine to feel attracted, it's just a thought. That thinking will become second nature if practised!

Hope this makes sense and helps.

Mrpunchisagit · 22/05/2022 12:22

AhNowTed · 22/05/2022 12:20

Again, no it's not cheating by any stretch.

I am in a very long relationship/marriage and of course I've found other people attractive along the way, and fantasised a bit.

Been there done that probably 2 or 3 times. Each time it passed with no damage done.

Show quote history

Ok so you’d be ok if your husband was behaving and feeling like this to your best friend? I honestly think you need to raise your bar. I’d not be having that at all, but if it works for you and you wouldn’t care if he was obsessing on your best friend, then fair enough,

SylvanianFrenemies · 22/05/2022 12:24

No point beating the OP up. She isn't trying to indulge this.

OP, I think you need to find a way to create more distance. Maybe say to your husband you want more family/couple time at the weekends and that you should pay someone to do these jobs rather than taking up all this friend's time

I'm sure seeing him being competent at something your husband can't do isn't helpful.

SpringSunshine09 · 22/05/2022 12:24

Just to add to that - you don't need to avoid him because it will be good time to practise the strategy above! Avoiding a situation just makes it worse. You've got this! The book 'overcoming unwanted intrusive thoughts' explains the strategy and has been a life changer for me. It may not apply to you in other areas of life but I honestly think this strategy is perfect for something like this.

Original poster
Kitty1342 · 22/05/2022 12:28

SpringSunshine09 · 22/05/2022 12:24

Just to add to that - you don't need to avoid him because it will be good time to practise the strategy above! Avoiding a situation just makes it worse. You've got this! The book 'overcoming unwanted intrusive thoughts' explains the strategy and has been a life changer for me. It may not apply to you in other areas of life but I honestly think this strategy is perfect for something like this.

Omg thank you. This is so helpful. I definitely suffer with intrusive thoughts in general. Never thought of it like this. So your input has been so helpful.

OP posts:
AhNowTed · 22/05/2022 12:28

@Mrpunchisagit

Now you're being ridiculous. I fully expect my husband to have occasionally found other women attractive in the 40 monogamous years we've been together. It bears zero reflection on how he feels about me. He's not blind, and neither am I.

OP as a previous poster wisely said, just keep telling yourself it's a crush and recognise it for what it is. It will slowly diminish to nothing if you don't keep feeding it.