I have a crush on my husbands best friend! Please help!

[Kitty1342]

I have a crush on my husbands best friend and it's driving me crazy. I think about him 24/7.

I love my husband and we have two young children, we have a nice life and still find each other sexually attractive.

His best friend I had a short relationship with when I was a teenager. So there is history. But I have been with my husband for 15 years.

It all started about 2 years ago. We started seeing his friend more and he helped us with projects around the house and my attraction to him just grew. We have so much in common and he's really fun to be around. I feel like we have an electricity towards each other. And he regularly compliments me.

I literally just need this to stop though. Any tips for getting over this? I would never cheat and neither would his friend as we are both loyal to my husband. Please help.

Completely agree. I knew I would get attacked by someone as you always do on these threads. I'm here because it bothers me because I feel it's unfair on my husband. But I can't help how I feel. The point is I haven't acted on it and don't intend to. But this has been helpful for techniques to over ride these thoughts.

No worries at all, happy to help further if any questions! Seeking reassurance is another thing that adds to the power, because with every reassuring comment you get you might get two more comments that makes you feel like you need more reassurance. Thus giving even more power to the situation and causing you to spiral further. I totally understand it though - I always want reassurance and my mind loves to get carried away with my thoughts - I definitely have had to practise! It will get easier 💕 X

AWOL66.

Very helpful post. Thank you. I'm sure you're right. It's good to have this type of man described. And if they are putting on a performance, they'll be extra good at it, because it means so much to them..for those minutes.

If he is that great - the guy in the OP scenario....doesn't he have a partner?

Also I have been really stressed lately and felt completely crushed by responsibility juggling everything in my life. So I don't doubt some of my attraction is probably based on the fact we dated as teenagers when I had so responsibility, so I'm probably fantasising about that time as well.

Kitty it's good you recognise it for what it is. It's just a crush, it's fairly common, and it will pass. Allow it to diminish and don't feed it. You'll be grand.

I think you have to have a discussion with him and ask him to stop coming to your house. There are plenty of handymen around. It will only make it worse. Does he know about this. Because if he does, than it's absolutely disgusting from both of you to hide this of your husband and allow him to come in your house ,in front of your kids and your man. How can both of you look in your husband's eyes every day?

Do NOT speak to him, that's terrible advice. That's only feeding it and blowing it into something it's not.

It’s not cheating, it really isn’t.

Either you’re really falling in love with him, in which case you need to create as much distance as possible and stop flirting with him asap (if you want to save your marriage), or it isn’t really him you want, it’s something else. I suspect that it’s something else. The fact that you’re thinking about him all the time is what therapists call ‘intrusive thoughts’ and it isn’t healthy, it’s a kind of obsession and it happens when something is missing from your life. Excitement? Feeling young again? The forbidden?

Take a step back and look at the facts: this guy is constantly complimenting his best friend’s wife. That is sleazy, disloyal, and weak behaviour. So this isn’t real love, if he had real feelings for you he would admire you quietly from afar instead of interfering in your happy marriage. Probably he’s just a guy who flirts with all women out of habit because he likes the ego kick of watching women respond.

Maybe chat through with a therapist to explore what’s really going on here. Once you can name it, you can start to move past it.

It's not just a harmless crush is it ?

His best friend I had a short relationship with when I was a teenager.
So there is history. But I have been with my husband for 15 years

Did you have sex previously ?

Why are people advising to see him further and implementing teqniques to over come a crush, you liked that advice I saw, you want it continue as in this post.
Grow up, it's not an inflicted disease and you are not a victim, just a bored housewife reminiscing about a previous boyfriend.
Easy pickings.

It sounds innapropriate and uncomfortable for you husband and I'm probably sure he's picked up on your enamourment. Really it's not hard to stop fantasising, it's not painful, just stop feeding it and your ego.

Start by not posting about your husband's best friend, it's disloyal, disrespectful and innapropriate.

You would be mortified if your husband did the same.

Terrible advice! OP is trying to get past this situation, not set off a bomb.

OP, the more you write, the more I agree about the advice you have had on managing intrusive thoughts.

Plus, can you find some space in your life to be more carefree? Perhaps also some dates with your husband?

Agree. Folks are acting like it’s totally normal to be obsessing over your husbands best mate and fantasising, likely flirting with him. Is it fuck. It’s not like finding some random attractive.

if a woman posted on here and said I think my husbands got the raging hots for my best mate, he’s totally obsessed with her, and feels a major chemistry with her,they were together as kids, no one would be posting and saying meh, that’s harmless. And you can bet the husband suspects, unless he’s a complete idiot.

everyone finds someone else attractive when in a relationship. Sure. No one is taking issue with that, But not to the stage you’re thinking of them 24/7. Feeling a huge chemistry, have history with them and it’s your spouses best mate.

yes the op wants to get over it and wouldn’t go there, but she’s already mentally gone fhere, and as you say, it ain’t hard to stop yourself.

Thank you to all the lovely people on here.

Firstly I'm not a bored housewife, I have a really stressful job. On top of that I have an autistic child and a toddler. I'm bloody exhausted.

I also never said I flirt back because I don't. And you can't just stop thoughts. That's a bloody stupid thing to say. If you could half the mental illnesses wouldn't exist.

Crikey, another vote here to NOT under any circumstances mention your crush to the bloke concerned, quickest way to turn a minor situation into a major crisis.

I would try to reduce or minimise any interactions with them, but not so that it looked so obvious that it would trigger being asked if there was anything wrong. I would try and imagine them in very unsexy scenarios, sat on the bog picking their nose for example. And I would really consciously try to focus on all the amazing attributes of my husband and the security and happiness that we bring to one another a s a team. He has your back and is reliable, it's not all about romantic attraction.

Good luck, it WILL pass.

Like OP says - it's not as simple as just stopping thoughts. Case in point - you had some pretty nasty thoughts about this post and lacked the self control to stop yourself from posting them, despite it being unkind. So I'm sure you can have empathy for the situation.

My post was a response to a non problem, not an innability to stop intrusive thoughts.

The only one who has a problem here is the op's husband, I have empathy for him.

So are you suggesting your response was an intrusive thought of being sympathic to op's dillema, someone posts therefor we must attach some illness to the problem to take all respnsibility away from op.

This woman is not a child, we need not patronise her in our responses.

If she want's some over riding thoughts to rid her of the intrusive thoughts, just try imagining, her husband fantasizing about someone else, someone who is more fun than her, someone who would never post about another man and humiliate him, someone he's already had sex with him when she was young and nubile, she sounds lovely.

Or falling that, think of her husband the next time he has an opportunity to flirt and him giving himself the green light because he remembers what a holy show his wife made of herself by making eyes at his mate.

Or is that a bit too real, grown up and responsible for some people to hear.

Your point is valid to you and this post clearly resonates with you for whatever reason. I just don't believe it is necessary to tear people down to make a point.

OP I wuld suggest tackling your lifestyle and work out ways of reducing stress and finding some focus and joy.
You have a crush on this guy, but I would suggest it is what he represents to you that has captured your yearning.
He represents a time before you have children, your freedom, the whole giddy process of falling in love, a grieving for your younger or past self when you were not ground down by family life, stress, lack of time, responsibilities of caring.
Perhaps it is time to fall in love with yourself a little more, to find pockets of calm so that life in not grinding you down so much.
The answer to finding that joy is not in another man, but within you and within the relationship you already have.

Don't feed it.

It's normal.

It will pass.

Concentrate on your relationship.

Not sure what to advise, but all the best op

Your point is valid to you and this post clearly resonates with you for
whatever reason. I just don't believe it is necessary to tear people
down to make a point

Why does this pertain to me, yes my husband's friends may have had a crush on me but I certainly didn't behave in this way:

We have so much in common and he's really fun to be around. I feel like
we have an electricity towards each other. And he regularly compliments
me

And in the following post she states she only converses with his friend in front of her husband. So this fun, banter and electricity has an audience, namely her husband. That sounds pleasant for him.

Op has mentionitis, maybe she doesn't know that, her wanting advice on here is feeding the fantasy and ego, I think op would be better off listening to a short sharp shock, instead of posters pandering to her relinquishing her of all responsibility of her own emotions and boundaries.

Just because I'm not ingratiating myself to the op, does not mean I am trying to tear her down as you suggest maybe I am trying to prevent or save her from further hurt, towards herself or her husband.

Ah this is tough. I'm a big believer the only way to get over a crush is to take space. Since he's around all weekend and you can't avoid him - I would find new interests or hobbies to do with your kids and DH as a family. You need a shock to your mundane daily life - because he represents a fantasy. Fun, different, an escape. And the more you allow yourself to think of him and the fantasy, the closer you come to an emotional affair. Atm it is good you recognise your feelings and actively want to stop. Change up your routine, try to take the kids away when he's around. Mostly romance your DH again. Dates, sex, discover new things together. Because when you fall back in love with DH, you'll stop the fantasy. Crushes are normally borne out of a void in our lives and I imagine with all the stress of renovations, jobs, kids etc you've lost sight of you, and also your couple.

I would also focus on all the annoying things about friend - to remind yourself that he too is just human like DH and nothing better or more special.

Imagine him sitting on the toilet or picking his nose.

In all seriousness, I think crushes are very normal for everyone - it's when it crosses that line into something else that it's a problem. Just don't put yourself into any situations where that line could ever be crossed, and you'll get over it.

People who think they won't cheat are deluded and allow themselves to behave inappropriately.

People who understand that the best of us can make mistakes, take active steps not to cheat. We don't feed these feelings; we don't dwell on them; we remove people from our inner circle or even from our lives. We take steps to protect our relationship.

Nobody ever thinks of themselves as a cheater. Nobody thinks they're a bad person who hurts others. Until they do.

Springsunshine09 is absolutely spot on.