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Original poster

I have a crush on my husbands best friend! Please help!

61 replies

Kitty1342 · 22/05/2022 02:46

I have a crush on my husbands best friend and it's driving me crazy. I think about him 24/7.

I love my husband and we have two young children, we have a nice life and still find each other sexually attractive.

His best friend I had a short relationship with when I was a teenager. So there is history. But I have been with my husband for 15 years.

It all started about 2 years ago. We started seeing his friend more and he helped us with projects around the house and my attraction to him just grew. We have so much in common and he's really fun to be around. I feel like we have an electricity towards each other. And he regularly compliments me.

I literally just need this to stop though. Any tips for getting over this? I would never cheat and neither would his friend as we are both loyal to my husband. Please help.

OP posts:
Ecclesfreckles · 23/05/2022 09:34

The only watch out and this is about him is - if you do feel a spark or chemistry and he's complimenting you a lot, then it's likely he has those feelings for you too. In which case this whole thing is likely to blow up as you can only control your feelings, not his. As an aside, has his singleness coincided with the time he started spending every weekend doing up your house? If that's the case he is playing a dangerous game here and you're a pawn - do not encourage him, do not let him undermine your DH (the regular compliments thing is a bit unnecessary) and don't let him use you as a surrogate gf.

It really would be easier if you just got another person in to do the work. I'm surprised the friend hasn't made an excuse and suggested this himself. Because at this rate your DH is going to lose a friend and have his marriage damaged. Don't let it get that far.

toddlingabout · 23/05/2022 11:15

Kitty1342 · 22/05/2022 17:36

Thank you to all the lovely people on here.

Firstly I'm not a bored housewife, I have a really stressful job. On top of that I have an autistic child and a toddler. I'm bloody exhausted.

I also never said I flirt back because I don't. And you can't just stop thoughts. That's a bloody stupid thing to say. If you could half the mental illnesses wouldn't exist.

It's an escape. Autistic child and a toddler is tough on it's own, without the stressful job on top.

To get through this you need to make time for you and your husband as a couple.. days off work when the kids are in childcare, grandparents to babysit, look at additional services for children with SEN in your area e.g. short breaks etc. Depending on your LA and their policies, you may also be eligible for direct payments and DLA - if you don't get this already. Have fun with your husband, flirt with him, even if it feels forced to begin with.

In terms of this guy, there's a big difference for both of you (and I know you said you wouldn't do anything) between flirting and a bit of fun and leaving your husband for him and the reality of what that involves with shared parenting, him suddenly having to be step dad to 2 kids, one who he may not 'get'. Even with a diagnosis autistic kids can be viewed as rude and disruptive (from personal experience). You need to reframe how you think of him, literally pick on his faults, he must have them and you are currently brush them off. If he is clearly flirting with you when he knows you are married, that could be enough. That's not respectful of you or your husband. He may have other annoying qualities, use them to your advantage. Even physical features, I know it sounds shallow, but it could help. Is it him or just what he represents that you fancy. It could just be the freedom that he represents, the stress free childless existence.

Maybe a hobby or 'you time' could be some of the answer?

toddlingabout · 23/05/2022 11:16

And don't tell your husband about the crush! It will cause more problems than it solves.

CrispsnDips · 23/05/2022 11:32

I experienced the same - for SIX YEARS - but it was never acted upon. It was a lovely distraction from losing my mum (suddenly to cancer), as I used to think about him and fantasise that we were having a secret rendezvous ..the lust I had, purely in my mind, was phenomenal. It felt like being a teenager again!

Both he and I had been married for 20 years with three children each - there was no way we were going to ruin what we had but I believe the crush helped me through a difficult time. I think I also had a surge of hormones in that I was menopausal (late 40’s at the time). My only wish is that it was still continuing to this day because it gave me a real buzz, a joy to be alive - heart racing, giddy with excitement if I knew we would be invited to the same party.

The thoughts and feelings did become overwhelming sometimes but, overall, I thought it was a positive, healthy and innocent way to be.

I believe it will fade in time, OP, but embrace and enjoy it while it’s here…?

notlongtoo · 23/05/2022 11:41

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

AWOL66 · 23/05/2022 12:21

Thanks Diverseopinions! :-)

5128gap · 23/05/2022 13:35

AWOL66 · 22/05/2022 10:34

Saying he's really fun to be around, that there's electricity between you and that he compliments you a lot sounds like a red flag to me. There's men that live for flirting and getting their ego stroked by women. They can be charming and put on a whole kind of funny performance like an entertainer in front of a woman so they feel like wow we have such great chats, jokes and connection, they notice my hair etc they'd be such a great boyfriend. The reality is they do this ALL THE TIME with other women for the attention and may sleep with them but may not even do that and just enjoy using them to boost their ego. Some will sleep with married women but won't stick around and will blame the woman and even husband saying they probably had affairs themselves (that's what narcissists do). Without meeting him who knows but I personally wouldn't cross the boundary of over complinenting my best friend's husband. It's just weird and rude.

Absolutely agree with this.
And just imagine being in a relationship with one of these types. Because as soon as you are, that 'connection' turns out to be smoke and mirrors, because all his charm and entertainment value is being directed at other women.

samyeagar · 23/05/2022 18:27

These types of threads are fascinating to me because it is something that so many people feel is normal, yet I cannot relate at all. Yes, I am married and notice attractive people, so that part I can relate to. However, ten minutes later, I couldn't tell you what they looked like at all, much less dedicate actual mental real estate to them. So going from noticing attractiveness to crush is completely foreign to me.

One thing though that I suspect would stop this cold in its tracks would be to show the husband this thread and let him read it, maybe sometime when the friend is round the house. At least everyone would be on the same page then.

Onthedunes · 23/05/2022 19:52

samyeagar · 23/05/2022 18:27

These types of threads are fascinating to me because it is something that so many people feel is normal, yet I cannot relate at all. Yes, I am married and notice attractive people, so that part I can relate to. However, ten minutes later, I couldn't tell you what they looked like at all, much less dedicate actual mental real estate to them. So going from noticing attractiveness to crush is completely foreign to me.

One thing though that I suspect would stop this cold in its tracks would be to show the husband this thread and let him read it, maybe sometime when the friend is round the house. At least everyone would be on the same page then.

I agree.

I think some people who are easily flattered can be easily manipulated as well.

Their ego dictates that they are special and different, when in reality they are in the midst of being used.

There are a lot of game players in this world that like to destroy others harmony and peace, just be careful op that you are not being used as a pawn for this man's games.

prohodilka · 23/05/2022 20:48

@CrispsnDips Beautifully stated, awesome, agree 100%.

Luckily I went through one of those myself. 100% worth the experience.

I wish that to everyone! (to every adult, not that young people need it).

CrispsnDips · 24/05/2022 11:19

Thanks prohodilka you get me!

It was a joie de vivre…an absolutely wonderful, mind-blowing, exciting time. Difficult to put into words but I am sure I was releasing pheromones which people around me could detect HAHA…

I would recommend it to anyone - like you say, we were “lucky” to have experienced it. I am too old now, have lost my libido at nearly 58 ! 😀

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