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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do you leave a friendship?

78 replies

TerrorAustralis · 21/05/2022 05:38

Pretty much as I say in the subject, how do you get out of a friendship you no longer want?

I've been friends with this person for many years, but never really felt particularly close to her. On the other hand, she's commented a couple of times over the years that I'm "like family," which took me by surprise. We don't have any friends in common, so there's no mutual friendship group. A few years after we met, I moved away and have lived away for most of the time I've known her. I've only recently moved back.

Over the past few years, I've felt increasingly put off my her personality and perspective on just about everything. I just don't feel like she's someone I want to be friends with anymore. Now I'm back in my home town, she wants to catch up. I've been slow to reply to her messages, and have made some excuses (which are actually true--I have actually not been catching up with other friends either). But it's going to reach a point where I can't make excuses anymore.

So, if you've been in a situation where you wanted to not be friends with someone anymore, is there any way to do it without actually saying, "I don't want to be friends with you anymore? Leave me alone."

OP posts:
cookiemonster2468 · 21/05/2022 06:02

In my experience friendships just sort of fizzle out when people grow apart. It's OK to not have the same friends throughout your entire life - a friend who might be a great fit for you in one year/ decade of your life might not in the next as you change.

But personally, this has just sort of fallen into place for me and I have never explicitly had a 'let's end this friendship' conversation. I feel like that would be quite difficult to do without hurting her. Depends how much it's bothering you, but I'd have thought she will eventually get the message if you are taking ages to reply to messages and just always busy. It's not quite the same as a much more intimate/ romantic relationship which obviously would need a solid ending. You can just sort of phase this out by not meeting up.

Billandben444 · 21/05/2022 06:09

If she's slow to get the message then I'd text her to say that you've really got a lot of stuff going on at the moment and hope to contact her when things have settled down. Then don't answer texts or calls. Personally, I wouldn't block her just so you can see if she's accepted that you've moved on.

Original poster
TerrorAustralis · 21/05/2022 06:35

cookiemonster2468 · 21/05/2022 06:02

In my experience friendships just sort of fizzle out when people grow apart. It's OK to not have the same friends throughout your entire life - a friend who might be a great fit for you in one year/ decade of your life might not in the next as you change.

But personally, this has just sort of fallen into place for me and I have never explicitly had a 'let's end this friendship' conversation. I feel like that would be quite difficult to do without hurting her. Depends how much it's bothering you, but I'd have thought she will eventually get the message if you are taking ages to reply to messages and just always busy. It's not quite the same as a much more intimate/ romantic relationship which obviously would need a solid ending. You can just sort of phase this out by not meeting up.

This is the thing, I've tried to let it fizzle out and she's not taking the hint!

OP posts:
Original poster
TerrorAustralis · 21/05/2022 06:39

Billandben444 · 21/05/2022 06:09

If she's slow to get the message then I'd text her to say that you've really got a lot of stuff going on at the moment and hope to contact her when things have settled down. Then don't answer texts or calls. Personally, I wouldn't block her just so you can see if she's accepted that you've moved on.

I may need to do something more like this. I've said I'm not able to catch up right now, but I probably need to say "I'll let you know when I can catch up." And then just leave it. But honestly, I feel like I could not message back and in 20 years time she'll still be sending messages asking when we can meet up!

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 21/05/2022 06:45

You need to end this for both of you. Tell her that you are busy and that you will contact her when you’re available, then don’t contact her, and ignore any messages from her. Personally I’d bar her, but if you can’t them immediately delete her messages.

DFOD · 21/05/2022 07:25

This is the approach. Don’t do specific excuses because they run out of road and create a dialogue. Zero info about your life. The “Sorry I’m busy - I will get back to you when I am available” - leaves no wriggle room, puts the ball back in your court as well as putting down a boundary that if she pushes against you can re-state once and then ignore.

Don’t feel guilty or under pressure. It’s not working for you - there is no real / mutual friendship. Just continue to fade her out - it’s up to her to read the room. Don’t feel provoked into “having the conversation” or getting terse because these types will likely kick off!

LilythePunk · 21/05/2022 07:41

I’m in a very similar situation. Realised that I have nothing in common and don’t see anything the same way. I’ve just stopped getting in touch and when she does, I don’t give much back in reply. She is paranoid about Covid and won’t meet up indoors, so I’ve made that my excuse. I’m done with walks with a flask of coffee.
I wouldn’t have a big confrontation or conversation, just be busy and be vague. Don’t answer her messages or leave it a week or so.
Or just block her after a while.

SmellyWellyWoo · 21/05/2022 07:50

Just stop replying. If a fade out hasn't worked, just ghost her. If that doesn't work, tell her directly.

Original poster
TerrorAustralis · 21/05/2022 08:06

Thanks for taking the time to reply. Seems pretty unanimous. I need to tell her I'll be in touch when I have time. Which will be never.

OP posts:
SallyWD · 21/05/2022 08:12

It's tricky. I kind of ghosted a friend once. Just stopped communicating with her and refused all her invitations. It's because I didn't have the guts to explain why I didn't like her any more! It dragged on for months and she was very hurt and confused. I still regret the way I handled it. Another friend wrote me a breezy email telling me she was ending our friendship. She listed some vague reasons and wished me the best for our future. Her email really pissed me off because the reasons she listed were all lies! I knew exactly why she ended our friendship and I was annoyed she couldn't tell the truth at the end. There's no easy way, I suppose just saying you're busy and making excuses will work in the end but it might be a painful process

Roussette · 21/05/2022 08:20

I'm in this situation at the moment with a friendship of more than fifty five years! It sounds ridiculous after all this time but she has caused me sleepless nights and angst for far too long, and the only reason the friendship has dragged on is because of its longevity.
However, enough is enough and it needs to end. I'm so hurt and angry with the way she is at the moment and I just don't need this in my life. The only trouble is... our husbands are casual friends which makes it mega complicated.

Hope you get it sorted OP, life's too short to have the wrong people in your life. I wish I had sorted my problem friendship sooner.

Original poster
TerrorAustralis · 21/05/2022 08:27

SallyWD · 21/05/2022 08:12

It's tricky. I kind of ghosted a friend once. Just stopped communicating with her and refused all her invitations. It's because I didn't have the guts to explain why I didn't like her any more! It dragged on for months and she was very hurt and confused. I still regret the way I handled it. Another friend wrote me a breezy email telling me she was ending our friendship. She listed some vague reasons and wished me the best for our future. Her email really pissed me off because the reasons she listed were all lies! I knew exactly why she ended our friendship and I was annoyed she couldn't tell the truth at the end. There's no easy way, I suppose just saying you're busy and making excuses will work in the end but it might be a painful process

You're right, and it is turning out to be a bit painful, for me at least. She's not really the "take a hint" type of person.

The thing is, I don't want to list the reasons, as a lot of it would just come across as a list of her character flaws (in my opinion). There were some things that she said that I found upsetting around the time of my FIL's illness and death that I found really hard to take. I was on the verge of telling her to fuck off at that point. In hindsight I wish I had just done that then. But that was almost 2 years ago, so it's a bit late to react to that now.

OP posts:
LilythePunk · 21/05/2022 08:40

Can you write her a nice text/email just saying you feel you have moved away from each other metaphorically, don’t have much in common anymore, and you think it’s best just to stop contacting each other? She may be upset, but at least you’d be making it clear how you feel.

Oblomov22 · 21/05/2022 08:42

Why don't you have the courage and decency to actually deal with it properly, head on? There are softer ways to say it. Thank you but I don't wish to continue the friendship. Or equivalent.

Oblomov22 · 21/05/2022 08:44

Ghosting is cowardly, disgusting and emotionally abusive. Don't do it.

Original poster
TerrorAustralis · 21/05/2022 08:47

LilythePunk · 21/05/2022 08:40

Can you write her a nice text/email just saying you feel you have moved away from each other metaphorically, don’t have much in common anymore, and you think it’s best just to stop contacting each other? She may be upset, but at least you’d be making it clear how you feel.

I'm starting to think I need to do this.

OP posts:
Original poster
TerrorAustralis · 21/05/2022 08:50

Oblomov22 · 21/05/2022 08:42

Why don't you have the courage and decency to actually deal with it properly, head on? There are softer ways to say it. Thank you but I don't wish to continue the friendship. Or equivalent.

I don't even know how to answer this. Mumsnet (and life in general) is full of people avoiding confrontation and awkward interpersonal interactions. I don't want to hurt her feelings. But equally I don't want to be friends anymore. I've tried to gently distance myself with the hope of things fizzling out, but that hasn't worked. Hence, coming here for some input.

OP posts:
DFOD · 21/05/2022 09:02

TerrorAustralis · 21/05/2022 08:50

I don't even know how to answer this. Mumsnet (and life in general) is full of people avoiding confrontation and awkward interpersonal interactions. I don't want to hurt her feelings. But equally I don't want to be friends anymore. I've tried to gently distance myself with the hope of things fizzling out, but that hasn't worked. Hence, coming here for some input.

Show quote history

Your intentions are kind - you don’t want to hurt her (even though she hurt you) you want to let her down gently.

It’s up to her to read the room and sharpen her social skills. I suspect she has form for this and others have slowly distanced themselves. You won’t be the first.

Don’t feel guilt or obligation - you are not essential to her daily existence.

IncessantNameChanger · 21/05/2022 09:11

I dont personally like it, but plenty of people just take longer to reply to messages and then say your too busy right now without getting drawn into any conversation.

Or just read and then ignore which I also personally hate.

She will get the hint but you might hurt her this way as well.

GreyCarpet · 21/05/2022 09:12

I think 'slow fades' and attempts to let things fizzle out are hurtful to someone's feelings though. It's like any other relationship.

Want to change gardener? You tell them.
Want to cancel your window cleaner? You tell them.
Want to end a romantic relationship? You tell them.
Why would you just hope friend of many years would just realise? Esp if, as people are suggesting, you just lie, tell them you're busy and that you'll be in touch when you have no intention if doing so.

I've ended a few friendships. Some have naturally run their course and just fizzle out but I've also actively ended them like I would a relationship.

dudsville · 21/05/2022 09:23

I'm trying to shift someone away. I don't want to say "I don't want to see you anymore" because they are in my social network and I don't want that hanging over me when I bump into them. I have said in response to offers to meet up "I've really simplified my life and I do alot less now", they replied with "so I don't make the cut?". Fair enough, truthfully, no they haven't, but I don't want to say it. To the last offer to meet up "whenever you're ready" I just didn't reply. But honestly this person has been unwilling to let go and it's been years, I'm just used to not replying now.

Oblomov22 · 21/05/2022 09:27

Why do you not know how to answer? You do know what to do. Some text, polite but firm, that you don't want to continue. It's not hard.

GreyCarpet · 21/05/2022 09:29

Why are so many people incapable of taking ownership of, and responsibility for, their own feelings and being honest?

Oblomov22 · 21/05/2022 09:35

"I don't even know how to answer this. "

Yes you do. The thread had already given you lots of great advice. And examples. Oh how to politely, but firmly say to someone, whose previously ignored subtle hints, "I don't want th continue" this friendship.

I'm mystified as the Whats so hard.
Confrontation avoiders do eventually learn that sometimes something needs to be said.

As

@GreyCarpet so perfectly explains, People do change their hairdresser; give notice to the Gardner ; give notice to other areas of life without too much drama. so why is it so hard to give notice in this particular instance?

Roussette · 21/05/2022 11:15

why is it so hard to give notice in this particular instance?

Because it's a personal relationship, not a gardener or hairdresser!

The OP sounds lovel and I totally get where she's coming from, she doesn't want to be hurtful.

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