How do you leave a friendship?

[TerrorAustralis]

Pretty much as I say in the subject, how do you get out of a friendship you no longer want?

I've been friends with this person for many years, but never really felt particularly close to her. On the other hand, she's commented a couple of times over the years that I'm "like family," which took me by surprise. We don't have any friends in common, so there's no mutual friendship group. A few years after we met, I moved away and have lived away for most of the time I've known her. I've only recently moved back.

Over the past few years, I've felt increasingly put off my her personality and perspective on just about everything. I just don't feel like she's someone I want to be friends with anymore. Now I'm back in my home town, she wants to catch up. I've been slow to reply to her messages, and have made some excuses (which are actually true--I have actually not been catching up with other friends either). But it's going to reach a point where I can't make excuses anymore.

So, if you've been in a situation where you wanted to not be friends with someone anymore, is there any way to do it without actually saying, "I don't want to be friends with you anymore? Leave me alone."

Do not do this. It's disingenuous. You can say you're busy and leave it as messaging only but to say you hope to catch up when you're less busy and then deliberately ghost is childish and pathetic. Don't say things you don't mean. Not good advice @Billandben444.

Don't drag it out and don't ghost as it's cruel.

I'm surprised the pp earlier was annoyed at the breezy email. I'd rather that than a list of my faults!

Just send her a text saying I'm sorry I think it's best we don't meet up anymore. I think we've grown apart and I'd like to leave it there. Take care of yourself.

And then block so she can't message anymore but at least she knows where she stands. Be brave op. You'll be so relieved you don't have to play this game anymore and your friend will at least know she stands.

Good luck

It’s awkward isn’t it! There is no protocol re friendships and sometimes harder to leave than a marriage. Most naturally drift if there is no substance left but when someone isn’t taking the hint it plays on you.

I’ve not ended one as such but someone in our larger friendship group kinda saw me as her new bestie and I found it suffocating. I also couldn’t get a handle on her as she could be quite flaky. I was going through a bit of a life crisis myself and had to be blunt in the end. And just said that she was suffocating me. She took it very well to her credit, and we are still on friendly terms. This suits me now but I still get pangs of guilt about being blunt but for my own mental health, it was the only option left for me at the time.

I quite guarded with people now, especially when they go full throttle too quickly without a long lead in. Other friends I’ve known for years and even when I’ve not seen them for years we’re not in each other’s pockets and still take something from the relationship.

In your case I’d give it a bit longer with the ‘got a lot on just now’ and hope she eventually gets the hint. If she’s not part of a wider group and her only means of communicating with you is by phone then this might work. If you do see her in a wider group eventually, just play it down if she goes on about how close you were/are. It’s more about this person’s lack of self esteem. She sees you as a crutch to something missing in her life.

Jesus. Some of you are brutal. It's nowhere near the same as ending a transactional contract with a supplier, it's a personal relationship where feelings have been invested.

I think it's fine to be really clear and direct but also kind, always remembering that the other person has feelings. Unless a friend did something actively unkind, I can't really imagine needing to be in this position. I don't tend to attract needy people in the first place so have never needed to detach myself.

Opal's text is perfect.

But sending an "I don't want to be your friend any more" message is also awful. I received one of those and I'm still bruised from it years later. I would far rather that she'd just gradually faded from my life, then let me know that I was apparently a negative in her life.
It's been really damaging, and even though I have friends who love me and value my company, I still overthink my interactions and have lost a lot of social confidence.

There is no such thing as a "nice letter" that says 'I'd rather not have you in my life'

I would be honest and say thanks for your messages - I’ve moved on a bit with my life and have had some time to process how I’ve let myself be treated by you in the past . It’s still upsetting when I think about how you treated me during FIL death and now I need to move on from the friendship. Wishing you the best
this I think is fairer then ghosting her . It sounds like she won’t let it go easily

Then= than

There are a lot of people here who seem to have little empathy and are unable to imagine how it feels to get a message that basically says "actually I don't like you, and don't want you in my life"

We appreciate it's not nice Sara.
But what are you suggesting OP does, instead?

Totally agree. Unless the recipient has the emotional reach of a house brick, it will hurt to receive one of these texts. Know that when you send them.

I think when nobody's at fault it's actually better to meet up and gently explain - that way there's some closure.

I was just re reading some old texts from a formerly close friend who suddenly ditched me when she went vegan and I didn't. That was bloody odd. In that situation, a conversation would have been really appreciated. I didn't know what I'd done until one day she appeared in the national papers with some mad bollocks story about how her friends had abandoned her due to her beliefs.

You can’t always control how these things go. If you write, it can be misunderstood or the recipient has such a different perspective that they don’t understand what you are trying to say.

Drifting apart is probably best. I find it quite easy to shrug off people by being very busy! But I have had it happen to me and it can be quite hurtful. All a minefield.

good luck!

Don't say things you don't mean. Not good advice @Billandben444.@Billandben444

Ignore last post - silly new mumsnet.

My friend and I just drifted. All one way effort. Wouldnt be rude to her. Think it will just fade out by both us.. its just ran its course.

Why don't you just say "To be honest, I think its probably best we dont meet up. I feel personally we don't have many things/opinions in common anymore and are quite different people. I wish you all the best in the future though, take care"

I think it's natural that friendships change, but, personally I think honesty is the best policy.

I'm currently on the other side of this - I have a friend who, I've come to realise is probably trying to drop me, as she has started replying to my messages about meeting up with "I'll get back to you with a date"...and never does. I'm not aware of doing anything offensive, so assume we've just drifted apart, from her perspective (for reasons which I am aware of, and are her choice).

But, it left me feeling confused and unsure what was happening, whether I should keep asking, was she genuinely just busy, etc. I've come to realise she's just moved on, but a lot of emotional hurt could have been avoided if she'd just explained where she was at, etc.

So I think the "just reply with I'll get back to you and then just don't" are pretty mean, and frankly, childish.

But it's far more hurtful to someone to lie to and mislead them. As well as disrespectful.

I'm in a group of people and someone was doing something that was out of order and really irritating to others. No one wanted to say anything so everyone just bitched about this person behind their back - no one wanted to be mean or unkind. Like bitching and backstabbing wasn't. They clearly thought that no one minded as no one had said anything. It was getting to the point it was fracturing friendships within the group.

In the end, I spoke to them. Kindly but honestly. They stopped it immediately. Harmony in the group restored.

And far kinder and more respectful than dropping hints and just hoping someone would take the hint when they clearly weren't.

What do you suggest the OP does then?

Continues to he vague and evasive and hope this person just takes the hint?

Continues with a friendship she doesn't want?

The 'nice' thing to do would be to ignore her feelings and just carry on being friends.

The unkind thing to do would be to slow fade/ghost.

The kind thing to do would be to be honest but with compassion and regard for her feelings.

Tbh, if someone felt this way about me, I know what I'd prefer..

Honestly there is no good way to end it.
whether you ghost, avoid or choose to directly tell her the friendship is finished it’s going to be painful for her. I think you have to accept there is going to be some hurt.
However if it’s the right decision for you you have to go ahead with finishing the friendship.

what I would say is if you do choose to end the friendship just do it in a clear way so she isn’t being messed about and you are dragged back in to the friendship.

maybe in future the key is to not simply let things slide. If someone is out of order address it straight away rather than let it go and let multiple annoyances build up.

Just meet them and be honest for goodness sake.

All this letting it drag out, keeping her not knowing and blaming her for keep trying to be your friend, no, just tell her the truth at this moment it feels like you have grown apart so need a raincheck for a bit.

I care about you but we have grown apart and im not sure we have anything in common any more. I wish you all the best etc

Years ago I ended a friendship and wasn’t honest about the reasons why. I knew the kinder thing was to tell my friend gently about what she was doing to upset myself and others (mostly her cf ways). I didn’t tell her because I was hurt and didn’t want to help her other friendships. Don’t be as unkind as I was, tell your friend the truth in a gentle way. It’ll give you closure too.

Thanks everyone for taking the time to reply. Clearly there's no easy way to do this, and her feelings will be hurt whatever I do.

You've given me a lot to think about.

Actually I advised what I said because a fade out was once done to me and I found that absolutely horrific. I'm afraid I didn't cotton on at first but I knew something wasn't right.

We'd been friends for years and I'd done so much for her. I ended up asking her direct via email as I was so fed up, after months of her pissing me about. One minute talking to me then next being evasive.

I ended up getting a nasty email with things I'd supposedly done which were not the truth at all. She was too cowardly to tell me until I directly confronted her. It was over the most ridiculous things.

I would much rather a pleasant but distant message than go through that again. It felt like a boyfriend who'd been leading me on for months then discarded.

So I'm not without empathy. I would also rather know as soon as someone feels like that. I do want to be hanging onto someone who doesn't even like me lol.

Luckily I have some amazing friends now. Friendships that have lasted years so I don't think it was 100% me like she made out.