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Original poster

How do you leave a friendship?

78 replies

TerrorAustralis · 21/05/2022 05:38

Pretty much as I say in the subject, how do you get out of a friendship you no longer want?

I've been friends with this person for many years, but never really felt particularly close to her. On the other hand, she's commented a couple of times over the years that I'm "like family," which took me by surprise. We don't have any friends in common, so there's no mutual friendship group. A few years after we met, I moved away and have lived away for most of the time I've known her. I've only recently moved back.

Over the past few years, I've felt increasingly put off my her personality and perspective on just about everything. I just don't feel like she's someone I want to be friends with anymore. Now I'm back in my home town, she wants to catch up. I've been slow to reply to her messages, and have made some excuses (which are actually true--I have actually not been catching up with other friends either). But it's going to reach a point where I can't make excuses anymore.

So, if you've been in a situation where you wanted to not be friends with someone anymore, is there any way to do it without actually saying, "I don't want to be friends with you anymore? Leave me alone."

OP posts:
Opaljewel · 22/05/2022 08:40

Rather do not want*

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 22/05/2022 08:46

TerrorAustralis · 21/05/2022 08:47

I'm starting to think I need to do this.

Show quote history

God, please don't do this! Just let it fizzle out. Say you're really busy and have got loads on and you'll get together when things are calmer. If you're now in the same town you're very likely to bump into her now and again so it's best to keep it semi friendly .

TimeToDecideX · 22/05/2022 09:07

I messaged a friend to end our friendship, I felt she'd treated me very badly in the past. I kept the message informative and and non accusatory, her nasty ranty messages back told me everything I needed to know and that I absolutely didn't want the relationship to continue. I never replied to her messages and haven't spoken to her since. The relief was and still is wonderful.

Courante · 22/05/2022 09:30

Another vote for fizzle.
I think she would have to have shown a very high level of not taking the hint and it be a fledgling friendship for me to send a clear ending friendship message. I've never done that and I am very glad I've never had it done to me.
I also wouldn't say I'm going to do anything I have no intention of doing (get back to her/arrange a meet up and then flake) or ghost.
Hopeless advice I know! When I start to have these feelings I meet up less often for a shorter period of time and speak up a bit more about the behaviour (e.g. gossiping/excessive bragging/PA remarks) that is bothering me as it happens, in increasingly less gentle ways - that either shifts the friendship in a better direction or it becomes mutual fizzle.

whirlyswirly · 22/05/2022 09:31

It's a lot easier to deal with this if the person in question isn't someone who's part of a wider friendship group, connected with work or family. Usually there's a knock on effect to navigate which makes a fade and distance the more diplomatic option.

If it's a lone friend and they've been a dick, it's all a lot more straightforward.

I think there's also a pause button - I've been friends with some people for decades and we've had periods of closeness followed by very sporadic contact. I've never felt the need to formally end a friendship because we haven't seen each other in a while. They just hum along in the background.

Mary46 · 22/05/2022 10:46

Confrontation can go sour too. I remember saying something to a friend and she didnt like it. Im happy to let it fizzle. It was always oh hi mary let me check my calendar.. always me chasing. No more being a fool.

DFOD · 22/05/2022 15:52

Mary46 · 22/05/2022 10:46

Confrontation can go sour too. I remember saying something to a friend and she didnt like it. Im happy to let it fizzle. It was always oh hi mary let me check my calendar.. always me chasing. No more being a fool.

I agree. I decided to step back from a friendship when this neighbour became very demanding of my time, overbearing and intense.

I did the slow fade and she retaliated with passive aggressive behaviour and then a vexatious wendying attempt amongst my other neighbours (who saw through her) - can’t imagine what she would have resorted to if I had been direct…..

Mary46 · 22/05/2022 16:03

I know DFOD. Yes your right. I dont want more drama now in my 50s with people!

maddy68 · 22/05/2022 16:22

Yeah just let it fizzle. .... Dont contact , be polite if she messages you but be busy and don't make arrangements

Shybutnotretiring · 23/05/2022 14:22

But if someone is really relentless it can be very hard to get them to let it fizzle. This probably sounds really mean, but is there something that the unwanted friend is particularly sensitive about/proud of? If you are really rude about that specific thing would she be too offended to contact you?!

DFOD · 23/05/2022 15:58

Shybutnotretiring · 23/05/2022 14:22

But if someone is really relentless it can be very hard to get them to let it fizzle. This probably sounds really mean, but is there something that the unwanted friend is particularly sensitive about/proud of? If you are really rude about that specific thing would she be too offended to contact you?!

The irony of this is that someone who is so relentless is actually insensitive (to others but often very sensitive to themselves!) and that’s likely the exact reason you want to withdraw from the friendship.

AryaStarkWolf · 23/05/2022 16:09

aww I feel a bit sorry for her actually, obviously not your problem, you're entitled to be friends or not friends with whoever you like but she must not know what real friendship is if you two have such a different view of how close you are to each other. Does she have many friends in general?

MidnightMeltdown · 23/05/2022 16:48

This is awful! Can't believe some of the replies on here!

I can't say that I've ever been in the position of needing to end a friendship, and I've never had anyone do it to me, so maybe I'm missing something, but I don't know how you became friends in the first place if you have nothing in common.

I get that people change over time, and I have friends from the past who I perhaps don't have so much in common with these days, but they are still a connection to my past, and I will still see them occasionally, even if it's only once a year. I don't believe in severing ties.

This case is particularly sad because it sounds as though this person is very lonely. I think that sending a direct message will crush her.

ElenaSt · 23/05/2022 16:50

Tell her you can't make the meet up that she suggests and that you will let her know when you are free and then don't ever contact her again or open any further messages from her.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 24/05/2022 11:10

ElenaSt · 23/05/2022 16:50

Tell her you can't make the meet up that she suggests and that you will let her know when you are free and then don't ever contact her again or open any further messages from her.

This is future faking.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 24/05/2022 11:10

MidnightMeltdown · 23/05/2022 16:48

This is awful! Can't believe some of the replies on here!

I can't say that I've ever been in the position of needing to end a friendship, and I've never had anyone do it to me, so maybe I'm missing something, but I don't know how you became friends in the first place if you have nothing in common.

I get that people change over time, and I have friends from the past who I perhaps don't have so much in common with these days, but they are still a connection to my past, and I will still see them occasionally, even if it's only once a year. I don't believe in severing ties.

This case is particularly sad because it sounds as though this person is very lonely. I think that sending a direct message will crush her.

At last a sensible post about this.

WhatNoRaisins · 24/05/2022 11:15

I love how we all condemn ghosting but can't come up with a better solution to this situation

sundayweatherwatch · 24/05/2022 11:43

Ghosting is awful, confusing and childish behaviour. Have a grown up conversation ffs.

DFOD · 24/05/2022 12:03

Ghosting is not the same as a slow withdrawal from a friendship

DFOD · 24/05/2022 12:20

This “friend” also behaved appallingly around the time of the death of a close family member of the OP. No wonder the “friend” is possibly lonely - if this is her MO people have swerved. Maybe she needs to reflect on her social skills and impact on others

Seems OP has put up with too much for too long.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 24/05/2022 18:38

Mary46 · 22/05/2022 10:46

Confrontation can go sour too. I remember saying something to a friend and she didnt like it. Im happy to let it fizzle. It was always oh hi mary let me check my calendar.. always me chasing. No more being a fool.

If you'd said nothing Mary she'd have carried on messing you about forever though.

youdothemaths · 24/05/2022 18:41

Don't drag it out and don't ghost as it's cruel.
And then block so she can't message anymore

I'd argue blocking is crueller than ghosting.

Mary46 · 24/05/2022 18:46

I think friends at mid 20s change by late 40s. Im just letting it fizzle. She said last june she was busy between work kids and elder parents as I am too though. Its been one sided a long time.

Original poster
TerrorAustralis · 25/05/2022 01:35

DFOD · 23/05/2022 15:58

The irony of this is that someone who is so relentless is actually insensitive (to others but often very sensitive to themselves!) and that’s likely the exact reason you want to withdraw from the friendship.

Show quote history

Yes, she is kind of insensitive/oblivious to others. Not sure about deliberately being mean about something close to her heart. One of her DC isn't very pleasant, but that feels like a low blow.

OP posts:
Original poster
TerrorAustralis · 25/05/2022 01:41

MidnightMeltdown · 23/05/2022 16:48

This is awful! Can't believe some of the replies on here!

I can't say that I've ever been in the position of needing to end a friendship, and I've never had anyone do it to me, so maybe I'm missing something, but I don't know how you became friends in the first place if you have nothing in common.

I get that people change over time, and I have friends from the past who I perhaps don't have so much in common with these days, but they are still a connection to my past, and I will still see them occasionally, even if it's only once a year. I don't believe in severing ties.

This case is particularly sad because it sounds as though this person is very lonely. I think that sending a direct message will crush her.

She does have other friends and appears to have an active social life, as well as being close to her parents and ILs, so actually I don't think she's lonely.

However one of the things I don't like is the fact that she will gossip about so-called close friends. I know all about her best friend's fertility and financial problems, as well as her 'loser' husband. Despite only having met the friend a couple of times over the years. I'm pretty sure the friend would be devastated if she knew her best friend was telling me all her private business.

This in itself means I never tell her any personal/sensitive business of my own, because she can't be trusted to keep confidence. It's is part of the reason I've never felt as close to her as she seems to think we are.

OP posts:
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