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Original poster

Am I in the wrong? Or is boyfriend?

56 replies

galaxyqueen · 20/05/2022 14:58

Hello,

My boyfriend is kind of upset with me but I don't think I'm in the wrong- please let me know if I am.

So, I work part time and see my boyfriend once a week- if I can. This week, on my day off, we arranged to meet up, go and do something and spend time with each other. However, I looked at my funds and told him that I am really stretched for money this week (major bills coming out) and that I ideally want to spend the day off really sorting out other family issues, issues with court etc. My bf was a bit disappointed and said to not worry that he will come over and help me, would pay etc. But I said no- not to worry. I'll just see you next week and that was that.

Then on my day off, my friend rang me and said if we could go for a quick coffee date. I said ok, as I haven't seen her for many months and-unlike the bf, a quick coffee date wouldn't take the entire day that It would have been if I went out with my bf. So anyway, I told my bf that I was meeting a friend quickly and he because quite annoyed, he said that I cancelled the plans and now I'm going out with friends even though I said X. He then went on to say that it's not the fact you are going out with your friends, but it's the principle. I then told him that I saw him for the past two weeks and that I hardly see this friend and wanted to take the quick opportunity- it's not we if I'm going out with her for the whole day.

I don't know. Am I in the wrong?

OP posts:
BringBackCoffeeCreams · 20/05/2022 15:03

Sorry, but if I were your boyfriend I'd be quite hurt by that.

litlealligator · 20/05/2022 15:05

I think it's understandable that he is hurt by this.

FabulousKilljoys · 20/05/2022 15:05

If I was him I'd be hurt too. Sorry but I think that was really crap of you.

SparkleOwl65 · 20/05/2022 15:10

This would definitely upset me if I was in his shoes. Not a deal breaker but would be hurt.

SophSoSo · 20/05/2022 15:12

Yeah sorry, I’m with him on this one.

Triffid1 · 20/05/2022 15:13

I don't think it's unreasonable for him to be a bit upset. Would be different if you usually saw each other loads and this was just one day. But you don't see him very often as it is and then on the one day you were going to see him you pulled out, weren't interested in him offering to pay etc, and then were quite happy to meet a girlfriend.

Of course its okay to meet up with a friend for coffee. But in this instance, it does rather look like he's just a convenient person to hang out with once a week when nothing better is on your agenda.

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/05/2022 15:13

He’s right to be hurt. You binned him off to do admin or whatever and because you were skint, he offered to come and help you and pay to go out. You refused. Then you prioritised meeting someone else and presumably spending money you claimed not to have. Not the way to maintain a relationship, especially if you keep justifying your actions and minimising his right to have feelings about it.

Lolllllllllllll · 20/05/2022 15:15

I disagree with the other posters. I think it's weird that he is 'hurt' by that. It's totally different. The fact he is trying to guilt trip you is a bit worrying.

CrushedPistachios · 20/05/2022 15:15

How long have you been together? Are you quite young? Meeting up once a week is sort of part time/early days dating territory, I’d be thinking you weren’t that committed to the relationship if I were him.

TheFlis12345 · 20/05/2022 15:15

You just work part time but only make time to see him once a week ‘if you can’? Doesn’t sound like you are that into him and he’s probably feeling like he is wasting his time.

gamerchick · 20/05/2022 15:18

You don't seem very into him if it's just once a week .... If you can.

Not really fair is it?

BlazingRufus · 20/05/2022 15:19

Why on earth did you tell him about the coffee date!? He's micromanaging you by kicking off over how you spend your time, and the argument wouldn't have happened if you hadn't mentioned it.

Songlyrics · 20/05/2022 15:22

I would be annoyed too.

As he said, it's not the principal of seeing a friend instead of him. It's the fact you said you couldn't afford to see him and had no time to see him. You let him think you were going to be at home doing life admin etc. but seemingly found time for a friend at the drop of a hat.

I understand that seeing her was quick and you'd not seen her in a long time, but to him, it will feel like you had several reasons for not seeing him and those reasons disappeared when your friend wanted to meet up.

Do you only see each other once a week? If so, going two weeks without seeing you, when he offered to come to you, pay and help if he could, will no doubt feel like a rejection.

I'm also a little confused about why you only see him once a week "if you can" when you only work part time. You don't sound overly invested. Are you both quite young?

mumofone1980 · 20/05/2022 15:26

I dont understand how its weird to be hurt by that?

mumofone1980 · 20/05/2022 15:27

Lolllllllllllll · 20/05/2022 15:15

I disagree with the other posters. I think it's weird that he is 'hurt' by that. It's totally different. The fact he is trying to guilt trip you is a bit worrying.

How is it weird to be hurt by that?

Googlecanthelpme · 20/05/2022 15:29

Can you really not extend your empathy to understand why someone would be peeved at their partner declining to spend time with them as they had things to do / sort at home and then finding out they went to meet a friend for coffee?

like you really can’t understand why someone would be a bit hurt by that series of events?

Yes meeting a friend for a quick coffee is different to spending the day with someone and I agree in principle you should be able to change your mind or plans as and when you like without a discussion with your boyfriend. You certainly don’t have to explain or ask for permission etc.

But just basic human emotion - someone is bound to feel hurt when they’ve been told “I’m too busy to spend time with you” and are then confronted with a slightly different outcome

Googlecanthelpme · 20/05/2022 15:32

To add - I don’t think you were wrong to meet your friend. Adjusting your plans at last minute is fine.

But I do think you not understanding why your partner would then feel a bit rejected is… concerning?

Jalepenojello · 20/05/2022 15:32

It looks shitty on you, sorry OP. You cancelled seeing your boyfriend when you already only see him once a week because you were too busy doing other stuff and didnt have funds but instead you go out and get coffee with a friend? I’d be feeling hurt if I was him and it would make me feel a bit insecure. It sounds like you were making excuses to not see him and while that might not be the case you actions have upset him and I think it’s pretty clear why…

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 20/05/2022 15:36

I disagree with pp. There is a world of difference between not being able to spend a whole day / weekend and going out for a quick coffee.
Presumably you are going through something pretty big family wise if court is involved, and if you are only able to see your bf once a week I assume he lives elsewhere and you have children to prioritise?

latetothefisting · 20/05/2022 15:52

I agree with most of the other posters sorry and can see why he felt unhappy.

I don't understand why everything is based around what you make out to be your only day off a week - only see your bf once a week if that, use your day off to "sort" stuff, see your friend on your day off - surely if you work part time, depending on how part time, you have 3-7 days off per week? I think your bf would have understood if you said "I'm using Friday to do x y and z other than a quick coffee with friend I won't be leaving the house but I can see you on Saturday or sunday?"

Rather than "I don't have enough time or money to see you for the foreseeable future but when a friend asks ill drop everything to meet up with them."

There's nothing wrong with what you did but you made it pretty clear he's very low down on your list of priorities - seeing someone in the fairly early stages of a relationship is supposed to be something you look forward to rather than a chore you put off because you did it fairly recently and it doesn't need to be done that often.....

Sux2buthen · 20/05/2022 16:03

Other way round I'd say he wasn't really interested in you, so he's probably getting that impression

ChilledScandi · 20/05/2022 16:05

It doesn’t sound as you even like him.

wobytide · 20/05/2022 16:06

I wouldn't even say you are boyfriend and girlfriend

OrlandointheWilderness · 20/05/2022 16:10

Tbh I'd be hurt by that and if I were him I'd seriously be questioning this relationship.

FabulousKilljoys · 20/05/2022 16:15

Can't understand these posters saying he shouldn't be hurt etc. He even offered to go help out and pay for them to do something and OP turned him down. So he negated the 'don't have enough funds' and 'busy' excuses and she still said no. I'd be thinking you were just making up reasons not to see me if I were him.

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