Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I in the wrong? Or is boyfriend?

56 replies

galaxyqueen · 20/05/2022 14:58

Hello,

My boyfriend is kind of upset with me but I don't think I'm in the wrong- please let me know if I am.

So, I work part time and see my boyfriend once a week- if I can. This week, on my day off, we arranged to meet up, go and do something and spend time with each other. However, I looked at my funds and told him that I am really stretched for money this week (major bills coming out) and that I ideally want to spend the day off really sorting out other family issues, issues with court etc. My bf was a bit disappointed and said to not worry that he will come over and help me, would pay etc. But I said no- not to worry. I'll just see you next week and that was that.

Then on my day off, my friend rang me and said if we could go for a quick coffee date. I said ok, as I haven't seen her for many months and-unlike the bf, a quick coffee date wouldn't take the entire day that It would have been if I went out with my bf. So anyway, I told my bf that I was meeting a friend quickly and he because quite annoyed, he said that I cancelled the plans and now I'm going out with friends even though I said X. He then went on to say that it's not the fact you are going out with your friends, but it's the principle. I then told him that I saw him for the past two weeks and that I hardly see this friend and wanted to take the quick opportunity- it's not we if I'm going out with her for the whole day.

I don't know. Am I in the wrong?

OP posts:
Original poster
galaxyqueen · 20/05/2022 16:18

Ok. Thanks everyone. I've taken everyone's point.

I work part time as I have a disabled DC.. didn't think I had to give a reason.

I do love my boyfriend but I have so much going on with the DC's, family, courts, appointments- is that I use my days off to do all of that. Then at the weekend, I'm doing X amount of clubs for the DC's, then Sunday I sleep or I'll see him. I find it very very difficult to multitask and I get anxious when I don't get things done

My boyfriend, lives roughly over an hour away and he works too, which is why we see each other once a week and more on annual leave. We are in our late 20's.

OP posts:
Seraphinesupport · 20/05/2022 16:18

id definitely be hurt

Original poster
galaxyqueen · 20/05/2022 16:22

FabulousKilljoys · 20/05/2022 16:15

Can't understand these posters saying he shouldn't be hurt etc. He even offered to go help out and pay for them to do something and OP turned him down. So he negated the 'don't have enough funds' and 'busy' excuses and she still said no. I'd be thinking you were just making up reasons not to see me if I were him.

I think the issue is that I need my own head space. I also like being alone. I am going though so much, that I just need that one day to myself to re-energised. My thinking is that, if I see my bf, it would be for the entire whole day (whereas I need to do this and that)- in all honesty. I'm just stressed and finding it difficult to juggle things all at once. I've also been cancelling plans with friends- well not cancelling, just if they ask me to do this and that, I would say no, that I can't.

OP posts:
Original poster
galaxyqueen · 20/05/2022 16:23

latetothefisting · 20/05/2022 15:52

I agree with most of the other posters sorry and can see why he felt unhappy.

I don't understand why everything is based around what you make out to be your only day off a week - only see your bf once a week if that, use your day off to "sort" stuff, see your friend on your day off - surely if you work part time, depending on how part time, you have 3-7 days off per week? I think your bf would have understood if you said "I'm using Friday to do x y and z other than a quick coffee with friend I won't be leaving the house but I can see you on Saturday or sunday?"

Rather than "I don't have enough time or money to see you for the foreseeable future but when a friend asks ill drop everything to meet up with them."

There's nothing wrong with what you did but you made it pretty clear he's very low down on your list of priorities - seeing someone in the fairly early stages of a relationship is supposed to be something you look forward to rather than a chore you put off because you did it fairly recently and it doesn't need to be done that often.....

We've actually together on and off for 7 years...

OP posts:
SlightlyGeordieJohn · 20/05/2022 16:25

BlazingRufus · 20/05/2022 15:19

Why on earth did you tell him about the coffee date!? He's micromanaging you by kicking off over how you spend your time, and the argument wouldn't have happened if you hadn't mentioned it.

But he’s not doing that. She said that she has neither the time nor the money to see him, then went out with a friend. He’s probably quite hurt and confused about why she didn’t offer to have a coffee with him when he’s as so keen to see her.

Myster · 20/05/2022 16:26

Yes I can see where he is coming from. It sounds like you don't see each other that much as it is so I'd definitely be pissed off

FabulousKilljoys · 20/05/2022 16:28

@galaxyqueen I get it, I do. I like my alone time and I've got masses going on and zero headspace for a relationship. But. If I was in one (in your scenario), I'd have accepted his offer of help or at the very least accepted that going for a coffee with a friend had made my boyfriend feel like he wasn't high on my list of priorities.

SlightlyGeordieJohn · 20/05/2022 16:29

To add to what others have said, you have every right to see a friend for a coffee, but why didn’t you ask him over for a half hour, or suggest he bring a takeaway over for when you’d finished?

He’s likely making the assumption that you aren’t really very interested at this point, and so of course will feel a bit hurt.

Theoldwoman · 20/05/2022 16:30

Team BF here.

FabulousKilljoys · 20/05/2022 16:31

I'm guessing with him living an hour and a half away you can't just have him pop over for a coffee. That makes sense. But in this instance he was right to feel hurt.

Original poster
galaxyqueen · 20/05/2022 16:34

FabulousKilljoys · 20/05/2022 16:28

@galaxyqueen I get it, I do. I like my alone time and I've got masses going on and zero headspace for a relationship. But. If I was in one (in your scenario), I'd have accepted his offer of help or at the very least accepted that going for a coffee with a friend had made my boyfriend feel like he wasn't high on my list of priorities.

I felt bad. My friend only lives 30 mins away from me but she has been asking to meet up for months that I kept on declining or both or schedules just couldn't make it work. So when she asked me today, it was like ok I'll just go quickly, the coffee shop is 15 mins away- I'll meet up with her chat and can spend the whole day at the coffee shop writing up what I need to do for the court.

OP posts:
Original poster
galaxyqueen · 20/05/2022 16:37

SlightlyGeordieJohn · 20/05/2022 16:29

To add to what others have said, you have every right to see a friend for a coffee, but why didn’t you ask him over for a half hour, or suggest he bring a takeaway over for when you’d finished?

He’s likely making the assumption that you aren’t really very interested at this point, and so of course will feel a bit hurt.

In all honesty. He just distracts me 😂. I would say sure come over whilst I'm doing x. But the minute we see each other, we would be doing this and that, going out to eat, going to the park, taking a stroll, talking about work.

OP posts:
SlightlyGeordieJohn · 20/05/2022 16:38

galaxyqueen · 20/05/2022 16:34

I felt bad. My friend only lives 30 mins away from me but she has been asking to meet up for months that I kept on declining or both or schedules just couldn't make it work. So when she asked me today, it was like ok I'll just go quickly, the coffee shop is 15 mins away- I'll meet up with her chat and can spend the whole day at the coffee shop writing up what I need to do for the court.

Show quote history

This is starting to sound even worse. Saying you didn’t have the time it the money to see him before driving out for what sounds like hours at a coffee shop is of course going to offset him.

Again, of course you have the right to do this, but it’s going to feel, from his side, that you are sending a bit of a message.

Maybe suggest something nice in advance for your next date, to show him it really wasn’t a signal that you are cooling off on him?

PurpleDaisies · 20/05/2022 16:41

You’ve said you feel bad. What are you planning to do to fix it?

My friend only lives 30 mins away from me but she has been asking to meet up for months that I kept on declining or both or schedules just couldn't make it work. So when she asked me today, it was like ok I'll just go quickly, the coffee shop is 15 mins away- I'll meet up with her chat and can spend the whole day at the coffee shop writing up what I need to do for the court.
I would say what you said here but add that you can now understand why he feels hurt that it looks like you had time to see a friend but not him.

SammyScrounge · 20/05/2022 16:48

You are in the wrong in spades.
Why are you happy with only seeing him once a week?
Why are you letting him know that he is so low on your list of things to do?Why not let him go to find a partner who appreciates him enough to spend time with him?

stepuporshutup · 20/05/2022 16:49

Stop using him it is obvious you only want to see him on your terms. Let him find someone that is interested in having a relationship with him

Housewife01 · 20/05/2022 16:50

To me it the underlying message sounds like you just aren't that into him and don't look forward to seeing him.
After 7 years why are you still dragging it on, it sounds like you need to move on and find someone you get excited about seeing, for your benefit and his.

Derbee · 20/05/2022 16:51

I agree with him. I’d be hurt too

Sidge · 20/05/2022 16:58

Well he’s not a priority for you is he?

After 7 years as well!

Original poster
galaxyqueen · 20/05/2022 17:01

Sidge · 20/05/2022 16:58

Well he’s not a priority for you is he?

After 7 years as well!

It wasn't like this for 7 years. To be fair, a lot has gone on..

OP posts:
FabulousKilljoys · 20/05/2022 17:06

Sounds like maybe the relationship is waning a bit and this is an indicator?

MadMadMadamMim · 20/05/2022 17:11

It does sound like your relationship has little going for it. After 7 years if you can only be arsed to see him once a week, and are happy to shelve that if you have boring jobs to do, it doesn't sound like you make much time or effort for him.

To then discover you did change your mind and make a bit of effort to see a friend, well, yes. I can see why he feels annoyed.

I think in his shoes I'd probably be calling it a day. In his late 20s? I'd want an awful lot more out of a relationship than you are offering.

StageRage · 20/05/2022 17:29

Just over an hour away isn’t much. He could come at the end of the day for drinks / dinner, leave early the next morning for work.

It does sound as if you have a lot on OP, and a lot of pressure on you.

But… don’t you miss him? Doesn’t seeing him give you the boost to your mood that helps you get through the week? If not, why not?

How are you going to spend all day on a cafe with no money?

Sidge · 20/05/2022 17:56

Sounds like it’s run it’s course then.

You don’t sound excited about him, or about seeing him. An hour isn’t that far - mine is the same distance away, not easy but doable.

I guess if he isn’t a priority and you are making that clear enough he is hurt (and I can understand why he is hurt) it’s time to end it.

Original poster
galaxyqueen · 20/05/2022 17:58

MadMadMadamMim · 20/05/2022 17:11

It does sound like your relationship has little going for it. After 7 years if you can only be arsed to see him once a week, and are happy to shelve that if you have boring jobs to do, it doesn't sound like you make much time or effort for him.

To then discover you did change your mind and make a bit of effort to see a friend, well, yes. I can see why he feels annoyed.

I think in his shoes I'd probably be calling it a day. In his late 20s? I'd want an awful lot more out of a relationship than you are offering.

I think so too.

A lot had happened and I am learning to regain my trust in him. But I think I need to call it quits.

OP posts: