If your DP did this, what would you do next?

[Renag]

Me and DP are supposed to be going away in June. Since March he’s told me he will book the time off. I’ve not been able to book it off as once my holiday goes in, it’s fixed pretty much/very difficult for all involved to change it. DP knows this.

As it’s got closer to June, I’ve asked him every couple of days if he’s done it. We are meant to be staying at my parents holiday home and last weekend my mum asked if we’d need anything taking down - wetsuits etc. Again I said to DP have you booked it off? He said not yet but he thought it would be fine.

staying in this place in June means my family lose potentially 2k, which is what it would rent for if listed. They’d booked the week out for us so it was very awkward when DP said in front of them he hadn’t confirmed it yet. They didn’t say anything but I found it v rude and told him exactly that afterwards.

He assures me that he wants to go - I’ve told him I will go with friends if not, but I just need to know as it’s now close to the holiday.

He says he hasn’t had time and will do it….another weekend rolls by and he hasn’t! Also, who doesn’t have time to log in and put a holiday request through.

I genuinely don’t think it’s a case of him not wanting to go. - although obviously on one level you always consider that don’t you?! But I don’t think it is that, i think he gets hugely overwhelmed with work and to him that’s a big job or organise. But…my question is,., how do I manage this?!

Ive thought about not saying a word now and if he doesn’t book it, going on my own as I won’t have time to organise with anyone else, and letting that be a lesson in itself. But then it’s a shame to not have the holiday together?!

I confess I've done this before and it happened when I was in a very stressful period at work and I was getting pressure from my DH to book a holiday but was fearful of booking it because of the reaction I might get from colleagues for going away at a busy time. I'm a people pleaser so wanted to keep everyone happy.

In the end I booked my holiday and all was well.

Having said that - I would book your holiday and go whether he can go with you or not. His reaction to that will tell you whether you should re-evaluate your relationship or not.

when you tell him how hurt you are he couldn’t be bothered getting organised to join you on your holiday, add that you’re also fed up with patting him on the back when he sobs about seeing his family, when the reason is also he can’t be arsed booking a day off, so if he wants to keep doing that he needs to find another shoulder to cry on (& if it happens, say we’ve talked about this, I’m going for a walk)

Please read this multiple times because it is so accurate

Nobody is too busy to book a holiday, it literally takes 5 minutes.
Something else is going on, don't let up until you get it out of him. Book your holiday and go without him if you have to.
It will be a lovely relaxing quiet time for you.

Are you married to my husband?!!
this is my life and for years I just nag and mag and did alllll the stuff but resentment builds so now I try to live by my own advise- call him out EVERY SINGLE TIME.... “ you have not booked this, despite me reminding you several times, this tells me you are not interested in the holiday with me. This makes me feel ..... I need you to tell me what we can do about this situation to move forward ?

this is absolutely NOT my personality to be so direct, I am an ostrich, head in to avoid conflict but really trying to assert myself and whole some boundaries as relationships should be EQUAL! You are not his mother( as I remind myself too)
good luck.. EXHAUSTING !! I know I know I know .

I'd tell him things have changed and you're going with family instead.

You can become NAG of the century just to get the gas bill paid, or you can cut him loose and tell him why. You won't be in a relationship of equality if you stay with this man.

The bigger issue is not just his procrastination but his indifference to your feelings. I would have a problem with that element, he KNOWS it is upsetting you and he continues day after day, week after week, month after month to ignore you and your feelings (and the consequences to your parents and loss of income)

I would invite a friend or my mother, and I would not ask or beg for him to do anything else. Whilst on the holiday it might be a good idea to reevaluate your future. Some men do this for control and an ego boost, they like seeing you stressed and begging. Or he might be just lame. Either way do not have children or marry him, eventually he will drive you nuts with his limp excuses and his whining about his family.

Whats your plan with this manchild,@Renag ?

Because this will be your life if you stay.
His lack of motivation and inability to do even the most basic adult tasks isn't caused by a bit of stress.
This is who he he is!
This is how he'll be forever.
He will not change.
Don't let him turn him into an endless nag.
He'll suck the life out of you.
Because you'll become worn out, demotivated and bitter.

Cut him loose and lead your life they way you want to.

Don't let him turn you into an endless nag

Oh fuck this. Is this the man you want to spend the rest of your relationship with op?

When I read this about going out to meet friends:

“before we went he was very stressed, saying he wanted to think over what he was going to talk to them about.”

it made me think there is something else going on here.

I’m not going to try to diagnose someone over the internet but this really stood out to me as an usual reaction, and somehow it feels relevant.

How has it gone since he got back has he booked it?
Sounds like he might be having anxiety about booking the time off either due to stress at work or being a people pleaser as PP mentioned.
Also I think the point about there being issues socially is accurate from what you have described thinking what to say before meeting friends etc definitely indicates social anxiety. This may be making normal daily things difficult for him (speaking from experience).
I don't think it's about you or the holiday although I think forcing him would be the best thing for him as a holiday might help. Can you go extreme and threaten to call his boss and do it yourself? Might scare him into it!
Although understandably this leaves you in the Mothering role going forward which is exhausting and you might be resentful but is really a reality in a lot of relationships so it depends whether you're willing to do that.
Some Men really are useless especially if they've been babied by their own Moms!

My dh has become a bit of a recluse it's his mh. Is your dh depressed? if he struggles to manage stress maybe trip to gp?.

It doesn't sound to me like he doesn't want to go more like he's struggling to motivate himself.

With regard to your trip I'd explain you are excited to go and it's making you anxious and ask if he can book it next week so it's done. If he doesn't maybe you need to look at going with friends.

Do you think it's possible he has undiagnosed ADHD? Being overwhelmed and unable to organise tasks outside of someone else's structure (e.g. work) makes sounds like it could be a possibility.

My DH is like this. Its not that he doesn't want to go but he's not seeing it from your view at all and just being "relaxed" e.g. selfish.

I always thought my DH was so busy/stressed to fo stuff for himself as was always disorganised/unable to follow through on things but then a few months ago he really wanted to book someone to do some work on the house and he rang round, got quotes, replied to emails, put money aside. He said I should be happy as the effort but I just realised he can't organise himself...but he just can't really be arsed and being inconvenienced doesn't matter to him

What I would do is tell him to get his phone/laptop out NOW and book it in front of me.

well what I would actually do is not be with someone who needed this level of micromanagement. I’m not interested in playing mummy to an adult man. 🤢

Maybe he already used it up without telling you.

It sounds to me like he is obsessive about work and for whatever reason that is his priority and he can't bear to tear himself away even though he knows he is missing out on other things and that upset him. It doesn't sound healthy at all and I'd say he needs help to work out why.

I have issues with executive function as does DS, we would just write a reminder on our hands and that would prompt us to get it done - I think there's more going on here than just that.

It really doesn't matter what the reason is. Could be ADD, or extreme introversion, or depression, or manipulation or alcoholism or fraud-covering or laziness or stress or whatever anyone else on this thread comes up with. That's not the point.

Nor does it make any difference how he feels - how genuinely he sobs, how genuinely frustrated with himself he is - it doesn't matter.

What really matters is: do you want to spend the rest of your life with this behaviour?
Because he won't change. People almost never change.

Fair play to you if you decide to stick with it - but go forward with your eyes wide open knowing you can't change him.
Or leave.

Can we raise the red flag here? He is disrespectful to you, your family, his family. He doesn't care until its too late however the entire process revolves around him, he is at the centre of the whole drama. Read up about manipulation and control. You are dancing to his tune constantly. Those tears? Even dv abusers have those whilst saying sorry over and over to the bloodied and broken woman at his feet.

How else does he control you? Is he always at the centre of your thoughts while you try and fix his supposedly fixable problems which actually never get fixed. How much mental and emotional energy are you giving this man?

It just seems to me that his primary relationship is with his job. It's that that he prioritises over you, over holidays, over his family, over his friends. We could speculate over why this is: he can control it; it's predictable, he gets validation from it, whatever. But that doesn't help you much. If someone has an addiction, they're the ones that need to address it. Personally I think that we shouldn't feel obliged to indulge other people's addictions for that reason.

This cannot be said enough.
think about what you really are prepared to put up with before you commit and have children with this man.

Just dump the guy. You shouldn't want this for the rest of your life.

Oh for goodness sake op, he is showing you in a very open way that if you want a future with him ( or holiday) then it's YOU who has to put the grunt work in and he can go along for the ride.

Not only is it disrespectful, utterly selfish and rude, it also clearly shows who and what he values.

You and your family come way down that list.

We all live stressful and full lives as adults. That doesn't give him a get out of jail card to be selfish, rude and thoughtless.

My DH would have had it all booked and would be offering if my parents needed anything doing while down there, despite being stressed and busy at work.

Have higher standards. It doesn't sound as if you are compatible. Imagine if you threw DC into the mix!

You'd be forever parenting him and running yourself ragged.

Some men can't organise themselves as their mums did it for them and then they take for granted wifekins will take over.

Sounds like you have one of them. UGH.

Oh and when you feel you have to nag a man DON'T!!!

Don't turn into the type of woman that men hate as you will become a shadow of your former self.

One polite request followed by one more at a slightly later date is all that you need to do and use that as a barometer for your relationship. Do not exceed this EVER.

How he behaves is how much he values you.

Always remember this and set your bar high, especially if you want DC.

Men who give women grief should not be reproduced with to protect the next generation of females 🤣