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Original poster

If your DP did this, what would you do next?

103 replies

Renag · 20/05/2022 09:18

Me and DP are supposed to be going away in June. Since March he’s told me he will book the time off. I’ve not been able to book it off as once my holiday goes in, it’s fixed pretty much/very difficult for all involved to change it. DP knows this.

As it’s got closer to June, I’ve asked him every couple of days if he’s done it. We are meant to be staying at my parents holiday home and last weekend my mum asked if we’d need anything taking down - wetsuits etc. Again I said to DP have you booked it off? He said not yet but he thought it would be fine.

staying in this place in June means my family lose potentially 2k, which is what it would rent for if listed. They’d booked the week out for us so it was very awkward when DP said in front of them he hadn’t confirmed it yet. They didn’t say anything but I found it v rude and told him exactly that afterwards.

He assures me that he wants to go - I’ve told him I will go with friends if not, but I just need to know as it’s now close to the holiday.

He says he hasn’t had time and will do it….another weekend rolls by and he hasn’t! Also, who doesn’t have time to log in and put a holiday request through.

I genuinely don’t think it’s a case of him not wanting to go. - although obviously on one level you always consider that don’t you?! But I don’t think it is that, i think he gets hugely overwhelmed with work and to him that’s a big job or organise. But…my question is,., how do I manage this?!

Ive thought about not saying a word now and if he doesn’t book it, going on my own as I won’t have time to organise with anyone else, and letting that be a lesson in itself. But then it’s a shame to not have the holiday together?!

OP posts:
WonderingWanda · 20/05/2022 11:32

If it were my dh it would just be down to forgetfulness and he would be most apologetic if I kept asking and he had forgotten. If I want anything like that done I email him on his work address then he just deals with it as he works through his inbox. Not really sure whether your dh is just forgetful or not, email him today and say it needs to be done urgently. If he still doesn't do it then you have two choices. Go on your own with friends and reconsider the whole relationship or cancel and allow your parents to rent the place out and also reconsider the relationship.

Fireflygal · 20/05/2022 11:32

Im exhausted by it. Think I’m going to plan to go alone

That's good insight and self care. I know others say perhaps he has an issue but you have been supportive and suggested steps. Is he apologetic that he hasn't confirmed?

Gensola · 20/05/2022 11:42

He sounds like a total pain in the arse to be honest - I couldn’t bear to be with someone this disorganised/disrespectful of my family. The holiday is the least of your worries imo! I hope you go and have a great time with a friend or on your own.

boronia · 20/05/2022 11:51

I'd tell him - yet again - that you've booked for a week ... and that you'll go on your own if he can't or won't get the time off.
He probably imagines that you won't go without him but you really must if you have to.
Maybe he can join you for part of the time if he gets his act together.

Calphurnia88 · 20/05/2022 12:19

Renag · 20/05/2022 09:37

@MolliciousIntent no he’s not like that at work. He gets stressed about work and I think he just doesn’t know when is best to book etc. Sounds ridiculous when I write that!

the only reason I don’t think it’s just about not wanting to go with me is that he does the same thing with booking time to see his family and is very upset when it doesn’t happen.

This doesn't sound ridiculous... I know because I am the same as your DP and had my other half chasing me for ages to book some time off last year.

I honestly can't explain why, but I think a lot it was to do with how stressed out and busy I was at work. Even though I knew it'd only take a few minutes I kept putting it at the bottom of my to do list and before I knew it another day had gone by and I still hadn't sorted it. Reality was, a holiday was just want I needed, but it took DP giving me a hard deadline for me to actually sort it.

CaptSkippy · 20/05/2022 12:54

I'd dump him. I can't stand being jerked around or strung along. I have left jobs over it. I certainly wouldn't accept it from a partner.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 20/05/2022 12:56

To answer your thread title, I'd arrange to go alone or with a friend, because he clearly doesn't want to go. Look at his ACTIONS - they are clearly saying he doesn't, despite his words and empty promises.

I'd also be out of the relationship. I am a parent to an adult son with extra needs, the last thing I have time for is mummying a full grown man. Besides it would make my vag slam shut.

As to why he does it - is he a drinker OP? This kind of procrastination and avoidance reminds me of the behaviour of former partners who were alcoholics or addicts. I also fell prey to this behaviour myself when I was in active addiction. It's a subconscious sabotage mechanism to give me a reason to drink. Putting myself in victim mode: "oh poor me, he's gone on holiday without me, I'm all alooooooone, waily waily, hit the bottle." Or "I haven't seen my family in aaaaaages, poor me, I'm so saaaaad, ill just have a drink on it."

I may be way off the mark there - but as I said, it's familiar to me.

knittingaddict · 20/05/2022 13:19

Does he ever arrange things and book time off work? Sports event, stag do, theme park, hobby, concert? I'll withold my opinion until I know the answer to that.

I will say that I personally couldn't live with it. Even if there is a concrete reason for his behaviour I still wouldn't be able to cope with the uncertainty. I would lose respect over time.

Original poster
Renag · 20/05/2022 13:29

knittingaddict · 20/05/2022 13:19

Does he ever arrange things and book time off work? Sports event, stag do, theme park, hobby, concert? I'll withold my opinion until I know the answer to that.

I will say that I personally couldn't live with it. Even if there is a concrete reason for his behaviour I still wouldn't be able to cope with the uncertainty. I would lose respect over time.

@knittingaddict no, nothing. I’ve encouraged it when he’s been invited to things but he doesn’t get involved. The last time he saw a friend was January for a drink, which I also attended as it was when we were in town and a bit of an impromptu meet up. I’ve said repeatedly that he should go to the pub at the weekend with a colleague who regularly invites him to a pub quiz. I’ve offered to drop him off and pick him up. He’s just not interested. YET…. Will talk endlessly about how he can’t wait to do x y and z and how he values his friends and he loves a quiz (!) and loves Europe etc. So he can happyily tak about his interests but not execute them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Renag · 20/05/2022 13:33

Gensola · 20/05/2022 11:42

He sounds like a total pain in the arse to be honest - I couldn’t bear to be with someone this disorganised/disrespectful of my family. The holiday is the least of your worries imo! I hope you go and have a great time with a friend or on your own.

@Gensola it’s just started to really wear me down. I’ve been so patient and understanding. Even said let me know at the end of the week (weeks ago). He doesn’t seem to get that it really badly impacts the relationship. I’ve said to him even if he’s not that bothered or excited then just take it on the chin for me, smile, get involved and make the best of having a free holiday forced upon you ffs.

OP posts:
knittingaddict · 20/05/2022 13:36

Do you think he's covering up for being an extreme introvert? Does he think that he ought to want to do these things, but at heart he really doesn't?

knittingaddict · 20/05/2022 13:39

Sorry op, it was your last post that triggered my question. The thing about him loving pub quizzes and valueing friends etc and then doing nothing about it.

gamerchick · 20/05/2022 13:44

Why can't he just book it in front of you? Don't most places have an app now?

I'd probably plan on going without him, I'd he disappointed though.

DeskInUse · 20/05/2022 14:16

My ex was like this and I had a similar issue. I got fed up of asking so stopped and then on the Friday I packed my bags and went on my own. My ex was most put out when he arrived at my house to find me gone. He rang and I told him I was at x place on holiday. He got really stroppy saying I hadn't reminded him. It was the death of the relationship. Looking back I'm glad it did end as he was the same with bills and just about anything. He stayed in jobs he hated because he's procrastinate about getting a new one, bills went unpaid etc. I can't begin to imagine what it would have been like living with someone, not to mention kids

5128gap · 20/05/2022 14:19

Is everything OK at his work OP? Staff who don't book time off ime are almost always frightened to be away. Reasons have ranged from struggling with their work load to underperformance or an error they don't want discovered in their absence. If there are other signs of stress it might be worth a conversation.

Original poster
Renag · 20/05/2022 14:59

knittingaddict · 20/05/2022 13:36

Do you think he's covering up for being an extreme introvert? Does he think that he ought to want to do these things, but at heart he really doesn't?

@knittingaddict I really don’t know. It’s strange. When we were out with his friends in January he seemed to enjoy it and relax into it but before we went he was very stressed, saying he wanted to think over what he was going to talk to them about.

He gets very stressed and has basically given up his life to work so it’s cut his social life massively. None of this I feel is an excuse for not being able to book a week off to be with your partner on holiday.

I was getting very upset a while ago and arguing a lot but now I just want it all to go away. I can guarantee he will get home tonight and he won’t have booked it, despite us talking about it this morning.

OP posts:
myuterusistryingtokillme · 20/05/2022 15:15

it’s definitely not crocodile tears…it’s genuine sobbing and sadness that he’s not been able to see them in so long. He last saw them in March. He will easily go until end of summer not organising anything… then he will say his dad is getting older, he’s not seen his sibling, he’s so sad that he’s losing touch etc etc

Do you not just tell him that it's his own fault because he won't get his arse in gear and make the effort to go and see them? It would drive me demented that he was whining and sobbing about something he could so easily fix, so there would be zero sympathy from me and zero willingness to listen to him

I can guarantee he'll be sad he missed the holiday too and you'll hear all about it when you get back, but I do hope you tell him to stfu as it was entirely of his own doing so he doesn't get to moan now

Ponderingwindow · 20/05/2022 15:18

So he could log in from home and book the holiday and has

Ponderingwindow · 20/05/2022 15:19

That was a posting fail…. A quick edit would be so nice

rnsaslkih · 20/05/2022 15:23

This behaviour is sub functional.

He is an adult. But he cannot do the most basic of adult tasks.

I hope that you do not have any kids with him.

You need a life partner who is capable of functioning. This guy doesn't fit the bill so get rid of him. Easier said than done, but in the long term, you need to rid yourself of this person - he's dragging you down, he isn't a team with you.

DiamondBright · 20/05/2022 15:29

I would just decide what you want to do and let him fit around you, so either book it to go alone (and he can join you if he gets his act together) or with a friend (presumably it's at least two bedrooms so he could still go) or let your parents know to rebook it.

I wouldn't let it drag on any longer, stop asking him and just inform him.

Jalepenojello · 20/05/2022 15:37

I’m not sure OP. Unless you have reason to think he’ll end up cancelling last minute (has this happened before?) I’d leave him to it. You’re nagging and micromanaging when it doesn’t make a difference to you if he’s put it in or not yet. Obviously if he has a track record of this and having to cancel plans because his leave isn’t approved then I get your frustration

Sally872 · 20/05/2022 15:38

I would say "I can't enjoy build up to holiday because I am worried about your AL not being approved. Please book it today or if you would rather I organised friends to come let me know today. I have asked you repeatedly and really frustrated instead of looking forward to our break."

He replies booked. All well. If he forgets. "I am going to ask other people, you obviously aren't that bothered"

billy1966 · 20/05/2022 15:52

OP,

He isn't a project and cannot be fixed.

This is your life with him and this is EXACTLY what it will be if you stay.

Always pushing him to do the most basic things, quickly falling into the role of mother not partner.

It will be 100 times worse if you were to have children.

Having to do and organise EVERYTHING, because he outs everything off.

The stress of it will kill the relationship.

You need to really sit with how you are feeling.
Really sit with it.

Then multiple it by a 100.

It is not fun being the only adult taking responsibility for everything in a relationship, particularly with children.

picklemewalnuts · 20/05/2022 15:56

"I’ve been so patient and understanding."

Stop being patient and understanding. You're unintentionally reinforcing his avoidant behaviour.
He fails to arrange to see his family, then gets tearfully distressed about it, and you comfort him.
He fails to book time off to holiday with you, something you and your parents have significantly invested in both emotionally and financially. Then he'll be so upset that you're having to go alone, and he's missing out. And you'll comfort him again, despite it being you who's been most distressed by it.

I'm sure he doesn't realise what he's doing. You need to interrupt it though.

Don't talk to him about it. Don't remind him.
When he's eventually, inevitably, upset just walk away.
When he frets about his family, ditto.

When he accuses you of being cold and uncaring, tell him 'you're the only one who can sort this out, I'm not wasting my time and energy on something I can't change' -and walk away.