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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

If your DP did this, what would you do next?

103 replies

Renag · 20/05/2022 09:18

Me and DP are supposed to be going away in June. Since March he’s told me he will book the time off. I’ve not been able to book it off as once my holiday goes in, it’s fixed pretty much/very difficult for all involved to change it. DP knows this.

As it’s got closer to June, I’ve asked him every couple of days if he’s done it. We are meant to be staying at my parents holiday home and last weekend my mum asked if we’d need anything taking down - wetsuits etc. Again I said to DP have you booked it off? He said not yet but he thought it would be fine.

staying in this place in June means my family lose potentially 2k, which is what it would rent for if listed. They’d booked the week out for us so it was very awkward when DP said in front of them he hadn’t confirmed it yet. They didn’t say anything but I found it v rude and told him exactly that afterwards.

He assures me that he wants to go - I’ve told him I will go with friends if not, but I just need to know as it’s now close to the holiday.

He says he hasn’t had time and will do it….another weekend rolls by and he hasn’t! Also, who doesn’t have time to log in and put a holiday request through.

I genuinely don’t think it’s a case of him not wanting to go. - although obviously on one level you always consider that don’t you?! But I don’t think it is that, i think he gets hugely overwhelmed with work and to him that’s a big job or organise. But…my question is,., how do I manage this?!

Ive thought about not saying a word now and if he doesn’t book it, going on my own as I won’t have time to organise with anyone else, and letting that be a lesson in itself. But then it’s a shame to not have the holiday together?!

OP posts:
Suprima · 20/05/2022 09:42

Why on earth do you want to be in a relationship with a man with ‘organisation problems’? There are men out there with ‘stressful jobs’ who are able to be active partners and do life admin.

He doesn’t want to use his annual leave on going on this holiday with you. My apathetic ex did the exact same thing with a ski holiday.

Original poster
Renag · 20/05/2022 09:42

PriestessofPing · 20/05/2022 09:40

Is he really that upset though about not seeing family? Because if he was he could book it. He’s not a child and it’s pretty weird he delays booking so he can see family and then gets upset. I’d be thinking that’s more crocodile tears to avoid seeing family - it’s pretty passive aggressive and the ‘upset’ ensures he doesn’t get questioned or challenged on why he has DELIBERATELY (as he is doing with booking time for this holiday) delayed and delayed until it’s too late to go.

@PriestessofPing it’s definitely not crocodile tears…it’s genuine sobbing and sadness that he’s not been able to see them in so long. He last saw them in March. He will easily go until end of summer not organising anything… then he will say his dad is getting older, he’s not seen his sibling, he’s so sad that he’s losing touch etc etc. Drives me insane as we could literally book a Monday off and spend Saturday night, all Sunday and part of Monday with them! Which I’ve suggested many many many times.

OP posts:
11stonesomething · 20/05/2022 09:44

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This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Craftycorvid · 20/05/2022 09:44

It seems very clear that this is an issue that is about more than organisation. If he’s actually in tears about missing family visits, yet sabotages them, it’s psychological. I’d be insisting on a conversation along the lines of ‘it’s not just this holiday, it’s many other times. We need to discuss this properly.’ Also, I would be setting a boundary around going alone if he doesn’t sort himself out.

Original poster
Renag · 20/05/2022 09:45

PriestessofPing · 20/05/2022 09:42

Honestly, I had a partner like this once - incapable of saying a straight no and king of passive aggressiveness. He’s put things off and put things off and then put would come the hangdog face and ‘i’m sorry i’m rubbish’ until I was reassuring him. Never had a problem doing the shit he wanted to do though when it came to trips or time off etc.

@PriestessofPing in fairness to DP he literally doesn’t book any time for himself either.

The reasons I guess are irrelevant. He’s messing me and now my family about and it’s not ok. At this point I would prefer to go with a friend. I don’t think I’m going to mention it again.

OP posts:
N4ish · 20/05/2022 09:45

I wouldn't mention it again and would make plans to go on your own or with friends. Sorry, I don't buy the 'too disorganised' or 'too busy' excuses, this just isn't a priority for him for whatever reason.

Original poster
Renag · 20/05/2022 09:46

Craftycorvid · 20/05/2022 09:44

It seems very clear that this is an issue that is about more than organisation. If he’s actually in tears about missing family visits, yet sabotages them, it’s psychological. I’d be insisting on a conversation along the lines of ‘it’s not just this holiday, it’s many other times. We need to discuss this properly.’ Also, I would be setting a boundary around going alone if he doesn’t sort himself out.

@Craftycorvid why wouod someone do that though? I get sled sabotage but this is impacting others too?

OP posts:
Original poster
Renag · 20/05/2022 09:48

This reply has been deleted

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

@11stonesomething I’ve noticed he takes forever to pay a bill and often leaves things like that but I’m not sure it’s being overwhelmed by something as much as it is him being unable to step back from work a bit and focus on other things.

ive decided I won’t mention it again. I’ve been before on my own and it was great.

OP posts:
N4ish · 20/05/2022 09:48

Just read the part about him genuinely sobbing when he misses out on spending time with his family due to his own procrastination. Does sound like there are some bigger issues around all of this and not something you'll be able to fix by some reminding or persuading.

GiveMyHeadPeaceffs · 20/05/2022 09:49

@Renag don't mention it to him again, he's an adult and should be able to organise himself. Get yourself and dc sorted and go. I'd honestly put it to him that you're going and he's welcome to come but no biggie if he's not there. I absolutely love spending time with my dc on my own (actually heading away in a couple of weeks to family in Scotland, just me and dc). Go away, enjoy your holiday and have some lovely downtime!

PeopleRStrange · 20/05/2022 09:50

I do stuff like this, it's part of my ADD. I want to do the thing, but can't do it, and keep delaying while getting really stressed about it.

I spend hours worrying about it, even though it would only take 5 mins to get it done.

GingerFigs · 20/05/2022 09:50

I'm with @DuchessOfSausage if it was me I'd tell my parents they can let it be booked by people who will pay the £2k. They're being very generous and getting messed around, not your fault but I'd be furious. Park the June break, or go away somewhere with friends.

Craftycorvid · 20/05/2022 09:51

Impossible to say why without knowing more of his family dynamics. It could be around asserting himself with his family without direct confrontation, for example. Avoiding something stressful whilst maintaining the feeling of being engaged is another. ‘Oh no! Now I’ve missed out. Isn’t it awful?’ Is placing the responsibility out there somewhere rather than acknowledging it’s his actions that have led him to this point.

Craftycorvid · 20/05/2022 09:52

Not being harsh, by the way! When it’s our families, we all play out all kinds of strange relational dances with them.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/05/2022 09:54

Don't waste your life with a flake. This is who he'll always be. Get rid.

MyBushOrYours · 20/05/2022 09:59

If he is like this with all organising and life admin, has he ever considered he might have ADHD? My DH has and it really was a lightbulb moment when he was diagnosed.

moose62 · 20/05/2022 10:20

If he is delaying, being awkward etc..that doesn't stop you from booking the time for yourself which means your parents won't feel out of pocket if you leave it any longer and can't go. Just book your own, tell him you have done so and let him know that you are going with or without him. I did this once and ended up taking the kids to Tunisia by myself. We had a good time and DH has always managed to book his time off since. Don't 'manage' him.

KirstenBlest · 20/05/2022 10:26

Assuming that you are planning on having DC, you can be sure that he will still be like this. I'd walk away.

wellhelloitsme · 20/05/2022 10:26

"It's the end of another week now and it isn't fair for me to miss a trip / my family to lose thousands of pounds, so if you haven't requested the annual leave by 5pm today then I'll still be putting mine in and will go with someone else."

And do it.

LaurieSchafferIsAllBitterNow · 20/05/2022 10:31

Have you already booked your time off work?

Just go without him and make sure you and the children have the best time. Make him feel left out!

When you come home point out all he is missing, with his family and yours through this inability to do simple things, and make sure he knows he is making himself effectively useless by distancing himself.

I do think a serious conversation is required. And no indulging him....when he starts wailing about how much he misses his family then say it's all his own doing and walk away.

HowIsItMarchAlready · 20/05/2022 10:32

Only go on your own if you feel that holiday would be worth £2K to you going by yourself. If not, let your parents release those dates now and have the opportunity to let it out. You and DP can then go another time. If, however, you feel you going alone would be worth the missed income to your parents, they I'd go alone and make sure DP knows he's NOT welcome.

LaurieSchafferIsAllBitterNow · 20/05/2022 10:34

actually just realised I may have made up the children! But same applies....go without him and have that conversation when you get back, he's not going to be any better if you do have children if you let this carry on!

Original poster
Renag · 20/05/2022 10:50

It’s so frustrating. The thing is I have taken the approach of leaving it but then it’s not even so much as mentioned! I agree with everyone saying I should get on with things myself. Disappointing he can’t participate and be respectful.

OP posts:
11stonesomething · 20/05/2022 10:52

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RunningRainbow · 20/05/2022 10:57

Tbh it sounds like executive function issues. It's up to you how you feel about accommodating those. Whether it meets the bar for something like ADD I couldn't guess but from the internal conflict that you describe, it sounds possible. And before anyone says "what's the point of armchair diagnosis and suggesting something like that?" sometimes being self aware that because you behave in x way, you need to take z steps which, while not necessary for those around you, are necessary for you, can help you bridge the gap between your intentions and your actions.