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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband punishes me with silent treatment

72 replies

BigCloud · 19/05/2022 23:28

I don’t know where to go from here. I love my husband very much and we’ve been together almost 8 years. We fit great together and overall this has been my most fulfilling romantic relationship.

However, there’s been a lot of strain on our relationship recently and unless this changes we will divorce this year. I knew from the beginning that he had a short fuse and doesn’t argue healthily - he would stonewall me. But we would fight very rarely and made it past that. The last few months were are getting into conflict all the time and when it’s my fault he escalates the fight and stonewalls me for days. (Currently on day 3…) He doesn’t ignore me completely but withholds affection, contact and if he says something it’s in a harsh voice and because he must. When he does something wrong, there is no fight because i don’t overreact/escalate so much.

I don’t know how to approach this. I’ve talked to him about stonewalling in the past but in his view it’s always justified.

I feel like the only way we can get through this is if we learn to argue better. But I don’t know how to get you that because if I say that we don’t argue we’ll etc he’ll say that the root cause of why we argue is me/something I did and the root cause is what needs to be addressed.

OP posts:
WombatNo12 · 19/05/2022 23:29

Leave him.

Justmuddlingalong · 19/05/2022 23:31

He's mentally abusive. If he always manages to justify his behaviour, you're onto a hiding to nothing I'm afraid. 💐

Cauliflowersqueeze · 19/05/2022 23:32

He’s a sulking wanker. He needed to grow out of that when he was 8. You sound far too mature and lovely for him.

Classica · 19/05/2022 23:33

I have no respect for people who use the silent treatment to punish their spouse/kids.

He'll always be this way.

Zemw · 19/05/2022 23:35

He's an abusive arse. Leave him

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 19/05/2022 23:37

My EX used to do this to me. He did it for 6 weeks once... note he is now an EX. No one deserves to be mentally abused. Please leave him. You'll feel so much better when he's out of your life. Flowers

Cantfollowmeround · 19/05/2022 23:45

Following with interest. I have a DP like this too

Luculentus · 19/05/2022 23:46

Point out that he should have grown up and got past childish sulking by now.

onemorerose · 19/05/2022 23:51

This behaviour was the straw that broke my back for leaving my ex. I knew I was in for weeks of this harsh tone and stonewalling. It may time for you yet but you will get sick of this behaviour and no longer tolerate it.

Justmuddlingalong · 19/05/2022 23:53

We fit great together and overall this has been my most fulfilling romantic relationship.
This doesn't necessarily mean it's a good healthy relationship, just the best you've had so far.

Blue4YOU · 20/05/2022 00:11

OP - it’s a classic abuse tactic.
I have a husband who started off like this (he’s been diagnosed with a fairly popular personality disorder which is absolutely no surprise 18 years in).
in the early days he did it all the time. Once I got arrested because he’d wound me up so so much I pounded on his door to let me in to talk.
He was vicious but I was in love.
Im kind of stuck with him now. Won’t go into my life any further.
But silent treatment is very cruel.
What are the things you do “wrong”?
For me once it was making a side remark to someone I barely knew about “men” in general (mainly to shut her up).
Another time it’s because his best friend and he dragged me out with them and afterwards (trying to be nice) I said Friend and you are very similar and he expected me to say HIM and friend..
when I look back I could strangle myself for being so stupidly weak (but that’s what years of childhood and other sexual abuse does to you).
Dont be me Op.
Tell him THIS has to stop! Mean it. If he argues I’d absolutely say .. leave

frozendaisy · 20/05/2022 01:43

So it's your fault he stonewalls you.

Another entitled male blaming the female for his actions.

Get divorced life is too short for this nonsense.

DeeCeeCherry · 20/05/2022 01:55

Oh God I really could not be asked putting up with all that.

I'd just get on with my life as normal, let him sulk if he chooses to be silly. Stonewalling is so unattractive, makes a man go from sexy/appealing to zero.

If you can put up with years of this utter nonsense all well and good. If you cant well then, only 1 option.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/05/2022 02:10

Fucking hell, you are doing nothing but wasting your time. You should walk out the door right now if you can. He likes the silent treatment? Fabulous. The only thing he'll hear from you is through your solicitor. I wouldn't give him one more day.

Iflyaway · 20/05/2022 02:40

he’ll say that the root cause of why we argue is me/something I did and the root cause is what needs to be addressed.

Tells you all you need to know really.....

He's undermining you and has zero respect for you while absolving himself of any blame.

NessieMcNessface · 20/05/2022 05:28

I’m so sorry for you having to live with this behaviour; it’s wearing and humiliating. Basically, he won’t want to learn to be different, because if he changes his strategy it simply won’t be as effective for him. Behaving as he does allows him to have a measure of control over you from which he derives satisfaction; why would he want to change when his sulking has just the impact he desires? So for me, I would first of all call him out on it every time by telling him to stop sulking and grow up; and if it continued I’d have to end the relationship. Placating him and treading on eggshells until he decides to come out of his sulk is something I just wouldn’t be able to live with.

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 20/05/2022 05:34

His unhealthy approach to conflict is why you will divorce. This is all about control, avoidance and punishment, probably rooted in how his family dealt with conflict.

If you assert control by telling him you will divorce him unless he fixes it, and you actually take steps to divorce, that might get through to him and he might be willing to accept counselling. Might.

Original poster
BigCloud · 20/05/2022 07:29

Thank you so much for your responses - they’ve really helped make me feel less alone. It really is an unhealthy approach to conflict and that’s what bothers me more than the silent treatment itself.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/05/2022 07:46

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Were your parents constantly fighting at home?.

How can you be helped here into leaving your abuser?.

If this man has been your most fulfilling romantic relationship I would hate to think what your other relationships have been like. Your boundaries, perhaps already skewed by past poor experiences, are being further eroded and got at in by this individual now.

Abuse is NOT about communication or a perceived lack of - its about power and control and this man wants absolute over you here. Abuse is not a relationship problem as it cannot fix the unequal power structure that is present in an abusive relationship.

Your best course of action here is to start planning your exit from this marriage now and with due care. He is not going to let go of you that easily because he likes having you around to abuse and mistreat but you need to escape him regardless. He does this because he can and there is no fixing this. One or both his parents likely act in the same manner too.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/05/2022 07:48

I would also think he does not behave like he does to you around anyone else in the outside world. Its not your fault that he has decided to conduct his own private based war against you.

Remember too that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none and you are also not a rehab centre for some badly raised man.

hattie43 · 20/05/2022 07:51

The strength of a relationship is often how you sort your differences.

This sounds very childish and not the basis of a happy marriage

gamerchick · 20/05/2022 07:51

I don’t know how to approach this

First I'd tell him that what he's doing is abuse and is actually listed as domestic violence. He can look it up if he wants and that if he continues to abuse you then you both need to see what splitting up looks like.

Then he has a choice to make the next time he gets the urge.

Catlover1970 · 20/05/2022 07:57

I I think (when he is speaking to you again!) that you need to say that his behavior isn’t something you are willing to put up with anymore and he needs to change. You could also do something drastic and pack a bag and stay with someone for a few days. He needs a short sharp shock ! You need to take control !

Blueuggboots · 20/05/2022 08:01

I've said this before - my mum put up with this from my dad for FORTY SIX YEARS. She decided at 71 to divorce him. She still struggles with silence. What a waste of her life!!

Leave him. He's abusive and it won't get better.

DeskInUse · 20/05/2022 08:06

He's attempting to train you to never disagree with him, or have another opinion.
The silent treatment is an awful way to treat someone you supposedly love. It's cruel, abusive and childish, shows a real lack of emotional intelligence

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