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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband punishes me with silent treatment

72 replies

BigCloud · 19/05/2022 23:28

I don’t know where to go from here. I love my husband very much and we’ve been together almost 8 years. We fit great together and overall this has been my most fulfilling romantic relationship.

However, there’s been a lot of strain on our relationship recently and unless this changes we will divorce this year. I knew from the beginning that he had a short fuse and doesn’t argue healthily - he would stonewall me. But we would fight very rarely and made it past that. The last few months were are getting into conflict all the time and when it’s my fault he escalates the fight and stonewalls me for days. (Currently on day 3…) He doesn’t ignore me completely but withholds affection, contact and if he says something it’s in a harsh voice and because he must. When he does something wrong, there is no fight because i don’t overreact/escalate so much.

I don’t know how to approach this. I’ve talked to him about stonewalling in the past but in his view it’s always justified.

I feel like the only way we can get through this is if we learn to argue better. But I don’t know how to get you that because if I say that we don’t argue we’ll etc he’ll say that the root cause of why we argue is me/something I did and the root cause is what needs to be addressed.

OP posts:

Triffid1 · 20/05/2022 14:58

Peanutwaffles · 20/05/2022 14:44

When I'm upset I withdraw. I don't feel ready to talk and I need space. I hope my partner doesn't interprete it as me being abusive. I'm not doing it on purpose, it's just my natural reaction. I don't blank him though.

Do you think he does it on purpose to manipulate you?

Well, it IS abusive if :
-- you are "withdrawing" so much that he can't have a normal conversation with you or you choose to ditch existing plans (even more so without telling him), or you cease any normal activities such as making a cup of tea for him while making your own or any similar type of event/action in which you punish him with your withdrawal.

-- you do not accept his apology and expect him to continue to apologise and/or beg forgiveness.

-- if you refuse to discuss the issue in the first place.

-- if you just withdraw without saying, "I just need a little time to process this so I'll take myself off to the bedroom for a few hours"

-- it goes on for days.

Sorry. This "I just need space" excuse is bollocks. Asking for, and receiving, space to process and deal with your feelings is completely different to what the OP is talking about. I couldn't say in your situation but I have to admit, alarm bells are ringing for me.

Classica · 20/05/2022 15:03

I can understand someone needing quiet space after an argument. But if it lasts longer than the time it takes you to go for a walk/run/drive then it's a problem.

Bunty55 · 20/05/2022 15:06

The silent treatment is a form of control when he does not get what he wants. It is abusive and nasty.

ThisIdiiot · 20/05/2022 15:12

I left my ex husband on day 4 of his final silent treatment. He was a regular 3 or 4 day silent treater. It really used to affect me, I'd be mortified when we'd have visitors during one of these spells.

That sudden clarity when you realise you don't have to live like that, amazing.
Also amazing how much he wanted to talk when he realised I was going.

Mary46 · 20/05/2022 15:15

Too controlling op. My mother did this when I was young. Its horrible. If things didnt go her way.. they dont change.

SpentTooLongOnUsername · 20/05/2022 15:18

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ

TiredButDancing · 20/05/2022 15:22

ThisIdiiot · 20/05/2022 15:12

(STBEx)BIL ruined many family occasions because of this. It has now become clear that a) he 100% blames SIL for his behaviour and b) he thinks we are toxic because when he behaved like this we did not attempt to fix things by telling SIL that she must have done something wrong. (You couldn't make this shit up).

Lolllllllllllll · 20/05/2022 15:23

We don't know your circumstances but do you really want to be dealing with this for the rest of your life. What about retirement.

I'd leave.

Original poster

BigCloud · 20/05/2022 15:29

hellswelshy · 20/05/2022 14:42

My dh tried this at the start of our relationship, think he had witnessed his father do it. In his eyes he thought it was better than arguing. I told him in no uncertain terms it wasn't healthy, and the air needed to be cleared then a line drawn. It took a little while for him to realise I wouldn't accept it but eventually he did. So, it can be overcome but he's got to realise it's a problem and want to address it.

It’s exactly this. I think he saw it from his father as well - his parents divorced.

To a more recent question - I don’t think he does it to manipulate me as such. He doesn’t like to argue because he sees it as bad vs I see it as needed dialogue. We have had smaller arguments that were productive etc. But with bigger issues (I damaged something in our house that now needs replacing and is not cheap) I think he does see it as black and white and wants to avoid arguing because in his view I just need to accept responsibility and ‘do better’. I get upset because I feel like he assumes bad intent when it’s an accident and any attempt at a conversation he sees as me needlessly arguing because what’s done is done.

I think he does the silent treatment because in his view he has said his peace though he is still frustrated and now he wants me to reflect on that and make changes.

It’s so frustrating because again we’ve had healthy arguments but there seem to be certain things that trigger him into unhealthy arguments.

OP posts:

Triffid1 · 20/05/2022 15:34

So... you damaged something. It sounds like you've taken responsibility for that? I also assume you don't regularly cause significant damage within the home and that this was a once off mistake? And now he wants you to "reflect on that and make changes".

I think I just threw up a little in my mouth.

TeaFagsandGin · 20/05/2022 15:46

He sounds like a stupid wanker.

You have two options:

1 watch all the YouTube videos on narcissism (Dr Ramani is good) - they all advise dumping the bastard. Do you know of a disused mine shaft?*

2 Enjoy the peace and quiet. Listen to music via ear buds. Read a book or go out with friends etc. That'll put paid to his temper tantrum, for that's what he's throwing. Then, when you rediscover what you're missing/ looking for, send him back to his mum; she obviously needs to finish bringing him up.

*Possibly a smidgen illegal, but if the thought makes you smile the divorce courts are available.

SunnySideDownBriefly · 20/05/2022 15:49

Hmm, you explaining it like that sounds a bit different to up the thread. Do you damage stuff a lot? Do you take personal responsibility for it when you do? I'm trying to understand why you need to talk about it further beyond being sorry for whatever led to it being broken and working out what to do next. It sounds like he is trying to stop talking about it as nothing more needs to be said. Are you looking for his forgiveness and understanding when you do something like that?

Original poster

BigCloud · 20/05/2022 16:03

I can be clumsy and have had a run of damaging a few things in the last few months. I’ve always flagged it immediately and have usually paid for fixes or replacements but it’s usually been smaller stuff. The fact that it keeps happening is what makes him feel I’m not taking responsibility. Is that fair?

I can see how this stuff is frustrating from his POV - I’ve felt about people at work this way (when they keep making mistakes). But from my POV I feel that he always assumes bad intent / that I’m not being careful even when I really am.

OP posts:

XJerseyGirlX · 20/05/2022 16:04

My ex used to do this , I hated it but never let on. Instead used to pretend I enjoyed the peace and quiet and not having to bother telling him where I was going / what I was planning. He soon got sick of it and stopped. Although it turned to shouting and we eventually split from it all xx

Original poster

BigCloud · 20/05/2022 16:05

And I feel like his reaction makes me more clumsy / feel like an elephant in a tea shop

OP posts:

Original poster

BigCloud · 20/05/2022 16:14

Yeah the more I reflect the more I think that you’re right Sunny in that I am looking for forgiveness and understanding but instead feel I get just judgment / criticism.

OP posts:

Lottapianos · 20/05/2022 16:15

'My mother did this when I was young. Its horrible. If things didnt go her way.. they dont change.'

Same here. She did it with my dad for MONTHS at a time, but also with us kids for days at a time. It's very damaged, and damaging, behaviour.

In order to change, your husband would have to admit that this behaviour was damaging, acknowledge its effect on you, and actively work to change it, probably with professional help. As others have said, people who do this really struggle with empathy. Life really is too short to be dealing with this bullshit for years on end

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 20/05/2022 16:20

I would say to him you are very unhappy in the marriage and you want a trial separation to try and work things out.
Either that will jerk him out of his behaviour and if it doesn't then get a divorce. My ex did this for days on end and never discussed anything or communicated anything.
I put up with it for 20 years and wished I'd left after two.Its a massive waste of the life you could be having.

Bunty55 · 20/05/2022 18:48

You are looking for forgiveness and understanding OP? Who is he? God ???

He's your husband, your mate your friend... Oh no he isn't, he is a coercive bully

bilbodog · 20/05/2022 19:09

Sounds to ne like you are walking on egg shells - thats why you are being clumsy - scared to do something wrong. This is novway to live. Leave him now.

Shortbread49 · 20/05/2022 19:45

My mum did this I realised what it was at the age of 11 it was awful and I don’t like her funnily enough she is currently doing it again 40 years later and now her grandchildren are starting to dislike her you should leavr

whirlyswirly · 21/05/2022 07:22

I've a team member (slightly older than me and male) who does this to me at work whenever I give him any feedback he doesn't like. I'm in a position where I have to do it or I'm not doing my job but the atmosphere he creates is pure poison. He smirks, stares me out, goes silent and blanks me for days afterwards.

I know little about his personal life other than he gets into intense, short lived relationships. I shudder for the poor women. He should have a neon red flag on his dating profile

He's about to leave and God, the relief. It's a VILE trait in anyone.

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