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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband punishes me with silent treatment

72 replies

BigCloud · 19/05/2022 23:28

I don’t know where to go from here. I love my husband very much and we’ve been together almost 8 years. We fit great together and overall this has been my most fulfilling romantic relationship.

However, there’s been a lot of strain on our relationship recently and unless this changes we will divorce this year. I knew from the beginning that he had a short fuse and doesn’t argue healthily - he would stonewall me. But we would fight very rarely and made it past that. The last few months were are getting into conflict all the time and when it’s my fault he escalates the fight and stonewalls me for days. (Currently on day 3…) He doesn’t ignore me completely but withholds affection, contact and if he says something it’s in a harsh voice and because he must. When he does something wrong, there is no fight because i don’t overreact/escalate so much.

I don’t know how to approach this. I’ve talked to him about stonewalling in the past but in his view it’s always justified.

I feel like the only way we can get through this is if we learn to argue better. But I don’t know how to get you that because if I say that we don’t argue we’ll etc he’ll say that the root cause of why we argue is me/something I did and the root cause is what needs to be addressed.

OP posts:
CoralBells · 20/05/2022 08:11

Yanbu. If his initials are SC, it could be the person I dated in the 90s and he then had a baby with someone who dumped him for the same reason. There's probably a lot of them though!

Fireflygal · 20/05/2022 08:13

According to studies (Gottman) silent treatment/Stonewalling behaviour is a high predictor of divorce.

It's also very difficult for an adult to change this behaviour because he would have to accept that your opinion is valid. He would also have to accept compromise and learn to forgive and move on.

The theory behind stonewalling is that those who engage in this behaviour can't hold any positive thoughts about a loved one when they are upset. It's extreme black & white thinking that allows then to be hurtful and abusive and usually those that engage in stonewalling are very low in empathy.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/05/2022 08:14

He knows what he is doing here and he does not care. He also does not behave like this to other people in the outside world.

The self-defeating notion of "breaking through denial" originated in the addictions movement. They misconstrue denial as an intentional decision to inflict further harm by inducing shame through blame. Some abusers do this, but, by definition, they are not “in denial.” Describing abusive behaviors for them runs the risk of teaching new ways to exert power over their partners.

BreakinbadBreakineven · 20/05/2022 08:15

My exP used to do this to me for days after a disagreement, I'd be begging and apologising all over the place which I imagine he loved. When I got fed up with it and told him it was immature and had to stop he switched to shouting and verbal abuse to shut me up. That was also my fault because I had 'made' him behave like that, usually by continuing to press a point of disagreement that was important to me. He actually once told me he shouted and swore at me so that I would fuck off upstairs crying and he wouldn't have to listen to me anymore. If I was you I would leave, he's very unlikely to stop abusing you in some form.

Oblomov22 · 20/05/2022 08:21

Silent treatment is abusive. I had words with Dh early on, that sulking was just not ok. I won't put up with it.

MorrisZapp · 20/05/2022 08:25

Must admit DP can be like this on occasion. After one shocking incident resulting in an expensive trip to London with our toddler absolutely ruined, I told him I wouldn't be able to stay in the relationship. He didn't fully accept his part in the fallout (it was 100% him) but he was embarrassed by his behaviour and has never repeated it.

Sulking tactics don't work after the sex has worn off in my experience. If he wants to act like a dick now he can do it on his own time. My days of crying or feeling hurt are long over, my personal worth comes from me.

KangarooKenny · 20/05/2022 08:26

Perhaps he goes grey rock to prevent the conflict.

AMBE123 · 20/05/2022 08:26

Iflyaway · 20/05/2022 02:40

he’ll say that the root cause of why we argue is me/something I did and the root cause is what needs to be addressed.

Tells you all you need to know really.....

He's undermining you and has zero respect for you while absolving himself of any blame.

This ☝️

He is being mentally abusive, punishing you for perceived misdemeanors.

Unless there is some reason from his background that he responds this way and is willing to get therapy to look at how he manages conflict. But he probably won't, because by stonewalling you he feels in control.

Alovelydayatlast · 20/05/2022 08:27

The silent treatment is abuse. And grounds for divorce..

FridaynightCry · 20/05/2022 08:34

When exH and I were dating, before we married and lived together (asian, didnt move into our own place together till we married - awful idea), he would do this after every argument. Turn his phone off and not speak to me and then when he did a day or two later he would expect everything to be normal again.
We moved in together and it was the same shit. He would talk to me and ignore me and would snap at me whilst in this mood.
Yes. His fuse was shorter than a tealight.

This is abuse. Colour it in whatever way you wish. But its emotional abuse. The pain and the fear that they cause KNOWINGLY in their partner is not love. Its control and its punishment.

Why would you emotionally punish the person you love? This isn't love, it's torture. He knows what he's doing to you but he pretty much says it's justified and has no regard for the emotional impact on you. This is purposeful harm to your being.
In contrast I have a new dp who I argue with much less and when we do, one of us will need 2 mins to calm down, then we talk through wat the issue is and always end up apologising to one another and telling each other we didn't want to cause one another any pain, talk the issue out, kiss and make up. Life is too short to hurt the person you love.

Leave. I didnt open my eyes until we had been together 12 years in total, married 3 and had a baby.
Hes a great dad and we co parent wonderfully now, but there is absolutely no way in hell I could watch my child growing up thinking that THAT is normal.

Take it from us with experience. Your post bought back a lot of dark memories of utter isolation and I'd hate to see that happen to anyone.

FridaynightCry · 20/05/2022 08:35

Wouldnt** talk

olympicsrock · 20/05/2022 08:36

I couldn’t be with someone like this. Horrible behaviour.he’s a bully

Fireflygal · 20/05/2022 08:36

Perhaps he goes grey rock to prevent the conflict.

Perhaps he goes grey rock to prevent the conflict

Grey rock is used when you have to interact with an abusive person. It isn't a healthy approach within a marriage.

collieresponder88 · 20/05/2022 08:39

He doesn't sound like a very nice man. Life is short

Fireflygal · 20/05/2022 08:40

Oops posted too soon.

Within a healthy relationship you should be engaging in positive behaviours such as time out if debates become heated. A time out however needs to be time limited and agreed. I.e we'll agree to talk at a certain time. It isn't an excuse to not resolve an issue.

Sausagelove · 20/05/2022 09:33

I asked my ex to leave because of this behaviour. It never happened again. Unfortunately the silent treatment was replaced by other abusive behaviours.

Call it quits now. He’s been quite clear, it’s your own fault and you deserve it. These people hold grudges, they are vindictive and they are lacking in empathy.

AgentJohnson · 20/05/2022 09:47

It’s abuse and it’s a choice of his choosing. He can’t have been more clearer, he isn’t interested in changing.

What can you do, make a choice to stop being his target by distancing yourself from him. The version of him that isn’t an immature abusive arse isn’t waiting around the corner.

ElegantPuma · 20/05/2022 13:24

Another adding to the thread to say that my XH was a sulker. For years, I thought I had an anger management problem, but I didn't; I had a stonewalling, passive-aggressive wanker of a husband. With him, it was a learned behaviour from his mother and I don't imagine either of them will ever change.

When our DD was old enough to understand, I explained his behaviour to her so that it wouldn't affect her self esteem. Neither of us sulks; we say what we think (had some real humdingers when she was a teenager 😬) and quickly move on.

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 20/05/2022 13:36

There's been a couple of good long running threads on here very similar to yours. In short, he won't change and is abusive so you need to make plans to leave which you will find plenty of good advice about on here.

NewandNotImproved · 20/05/2022 13:40

The only thing you need to do is what a PP mentioned- agree with him: no more speaking. He can communicate with you via your divorce solicitors.

My shit mother and her latest choice of penis indulged themselves in this behaviour when I was a child, I’m so damaged by it, and disgusted at the pair of them.

anotherdisaster · 20/05/2022 13:45

My EX used to do this to me. The silent treatment would leave me in high anxiety for days. Walking on eggshells, constantly trying to 'talk him round'. In hindsight I am mortified I put up with this but you do when you love someone. But when you love someone, you do not treat them like this.

Natty13 · 20/05/2022 14:39

Don't tolerate it. What does he do when he's decided he has punished you enough? Just act like nothing happened I bet. My ex used to do this and I wouldn't have it. I'd always refuse to go back to normal and say you don't get to ignore/barely speak to me for days then act like nothing happened just because you've come out your mood. We either talk calmly about [whatever the argument was about] like adults and sort it out or we break up because I refuse to live with this silent treatment whenever you are unhappy. I dont do this to you and I dont think you'd like it if I did.

hellswelshy · 20/05/2022 14:42

My dh tried this at the start of our relationship, think he had witnessed his father do it. In his eyes he thought it was better than arguing. I told him in no uncertain terms it wasn't healthy, and the air needed to be cleared then a line drawn. It took a little while for him to realise I wouldn't accept it but eventually he did. So, it can be overcome but he's got to realise it's a problem and want to address it.

Triffid1 · 20/05/2022 14:43

The last few months were are getting into conflict all the time and when it’s my fault he escalates the fight and stonewalls me for days

  • I very much would like to know what it is that is "your fault" because in my experience, at least half the time with men like this, it absolutely is NOT the woman's fault, he just makes her think it is
  • Is this after you've accepted responsibility and apologised? So it's just unnecessary punishment? Or really, it's an attempt to "train you" never to challenge him again (see point above).
If he won't change this, then leave. Because your life will spent constantly trying to placate a man who will never be happy.
Peanutwaffles · 20/05/2022 14:44

When I'm upset I withdraw. I don't feel ready to talk and I need space. I hope my partner doesn't interprete it as me being abusive. I'm not doing it on purpose, it's just my natural reaction. I don't blank him though.

Do you think he does it on purpose to manipulate you?