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Original poster

He still won't propose to me

57 replies

islandgirl28 · 19/05/2022 12:21

My 'boyfriend' and I have been together for 8 years ..im turning 30 this summer, so still fairly young but about 2 years ago we started talking almost daily about wanting to have children together. By chance, I got pregnant a year ago, he suddenly lept into action and said we would get engaged after all this time .. we then had a heart-breaking experience at the 12-week scan finding out there was no baby, only a large cyst ... I will try to be blunt, I had a large, borderline (cancerous) cyst, had open surgery to remove both cyst and ovary, we were told not to try again for 6-12 months incase another cyst came back .. and worse case scenario if it did - they would want to remove the OTHER ovary also!.. 2 months later had to have keyhole to remove my appendix, we then started trying again.. and then a week ago we got back from doing IVF and freezing embryos together ....
He has been my rock throughout everything .. but I have been telling him the entire time that I never wanted to start a family with someone that did not want to marry me .. I even told him that I it wouldn't feel right to me, to freeze embryos together, without the gesture of him proposing.
He said he didn't have enough money for a ring, I said I didn't care about the ring
I may sound crazy saying the next part, but we even went to look for rings while we were away doing IVF and even ended up getting one ... He is still dragging it out and making me wait, and to be honest the whole thing is completely ruined .. I'm so angry at him
I have always felt strongly that one day I would want to get married. He said early in our relationship that he doesn't really believe in marriage but ultimately he would 'do it' to 'make me happy and when we were ready to have kids'.
He thinks the gesture of commitment that I'm looking for is in the act of him committing to freeze embryos with me - but it is different, I froze embryos with him, in the event that I end up with no reproductive organs! I feel like I have committed my whole future to him (which I want too) but he cant make a gesture of love to me
I feel like even if he does ask me now, it will just feel empty

OP posts:

RuthW · 19/05/2022 12:23

Did he say no when you proposed?

Regularsizedrudy · 19/05/2022 12:24

I’m sorry to hear about the terrible time you’ve had but he doesn’t want to marry you I’m sorry. You have already agreed to have kids with him so there isn’t really anything motivating him to propose.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 19/05/2022 12:25

I'm sorry op but he doesn't want to marry you.

UpToMyElbowsInDiapers · 19/05/2022 12:26

That sounds frustrating, and it sounds like you’re on totally different pages about what marriage is. For you: romantic. For him: meaningless. I wonder if you could find a way to settle in between these two perspectives: know that the romance in your relationship doesn’t need to come from marriage (much less a proposal), but that there are intensely practical reasons to be married when having children. Could he look at things this way?

Ultimately, in my view, there’s no reason the proposal needs to come from him!

ElenaSt · 19/05/2022 12:27

Citing the cost of a ring is a lousy excuse unless you have demanded an expensive ring.

You can buy a CZ ring for a tenner.

He clearly doesn't want to marry you and never will and putting him under duress to get married seems to make him dig his heels in even more.

Either accept you won't be married or leave him.

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/05/2022 12:29

What a rough ride, I’m so sorry. I think you need to sit him down and be completely honest about everything you’re thinking and have said here. I’m in the just-decide-together-you’re-getting-married camp and skip the proposal so I can see why you’re so angry and frustrated. He’s not treating you like a partner in his life and seems to think marriage is something he can bestow on you when you’re good enough or something. Which will be the case as long as you let him and go along with it.

TakeYourFinalPosition · 19/05/2022 12:32

but I have been telling him the entire time that I never wanted to start a family with someone that did not want to marry me

Is that still true?

Because the hard truth here is that he doesn't want to marry you. His actions speak a lot louder than his words. He may still be absolutely in love with you and happy to spend the rest of his life with you, but he doesn’t want to marry you, and he’s led you on about that aspect.

I know that hurts to hear. I was you six years ago; and I posted here and got the same replies; and I dismissed them all. Eventually, after we’d been together for seven years with no progress beyond the right words sometimes, I lost patience and decided the proposal would be meaningless now, so I proposed to him. If we both wanted to be married, it made sense, right? He declined with a load of stupid excuses about wanting to be the one to propose when the time was right etc. We struggled on for a few months and then I left. I couldn’t ignore that he didn’t want to marry me.

I’m married to someone else now, with a baby, and my husband surprised me with a beautiful proposal. He wanted to be married just as much as I did. It’s better than I could ever have imagined. It sounds twee, but I’m so glad that my ex said no.

Original poster

islandgirl28 · 19/05/2022 12:32

I haven't formally proposed to him, he said I wasn't allowed too because 'it's for him to do'

OP posts:

Original poster

islandgirl28 · 19/05/2022 12:33

yes I know, but I feel like the choice was taken away from me when my fertility was threatened

OP posts:

layladomino · 19/05/2022 12:33

Please don't try to have children with him if he won't commit to marrying you.

If he wanted to marry you, it isn't difficult to do. It doesn't have to be an expensive day. It doesn't have to be a huge fuss. There are no barriers to getting married other than if one of your doesn't want to.

If you're going to have children, and your income might reduce or stop for a while, it's really important that you have the financial protection that marriage brings.

But this is about more than that, he knows you want to get married and he knows this is causing you upset, yet doesn't want to do anything about it. If he says marriage means nothing to him, then it won't bother him to do it. It means something to you (and with very good reason if you're going to have children) and that should be enough for him to do it. If he doesn't want to make that commitment, despite knowing how important it is to you / despite him saying he would do it / despite it being sensible to do, then I'd rethink the whole relationship, seriously.

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/05/2022 12:37

islandgirl28 · 19/05/2022 12:32

I haven't formally proposed to him, he said I wasn't allowed too because 'it's for him to do'

You know how awful that sounds? It’s not for you to have an equal say in your life and your future? Why wouldn’t you get to propose or open a discussion about where your relationship is heading?

mamalovebird · 19/05/2022 12:40

I haven't formally proposed to him, he said I wasn't allowed too because 'it's for him to do'

This is nuts. It's 2022. He is deliberately keeping the ball in his court by trying to own the ritual of proposing.

Ask him, see what he says, if it's a deal breaker for you, make your decision about what to do about it. Don't waste your life waiting for something that will never happen and then regret it.

WallaceinAnderland · 19/05/2022 12:41

islandgirl28 · 19/05/2022 12:32

I haven't formally proposed to him, he said I wasn't allowed too because 'it's for him to do'

You want to marry a man that tells you what you're allowed to do? Fuck that.

frogleap · 19/05/2022 12:42

I think it's obvious he doesn't want to marry you.
Can you freeze your eggs so that if you have any difficulty conceiving in the future you have those (rather than embryos that you share with him).

You been through such a rough time, but I think finishing this relationship will, in time, be the best thing for you and your future happiness.
You are still so young.

MintyMoocow · 19/05/2022 12:43

Just tell him you’re getting married. That you will not be having kids with him if you are not married.
All this proposal stuff went out with Jane Austin’s bins.
If he doesn’t to marry you, then it is because he is still hedging his bets in case a better offer comes along. In that case you leave and find someone who does want a life with you.

Blueberrywitch · 19/05/2022 12:48

What a horrible situation for you! I second the question about freezing your own eggs independently of embryos, this will give you more flexibility in the future. You’re only 30, you’re really young and have plenty of time to find the father of your children and future husband.

I would purposefully sit him down during a relaxed time, not mid fight, and just lay out your expectations around marriage and that you’re not willing to continue without a proposal by the end of this summer, that you don’t mind about a ring (although tbh if he can’t afford a ring how can you afford a baby?).

IncompleteSenten · 19/05/2022 12:49

He does not want to marry you.
He just doesn't .

fruitbrewhaha · 19/05/2022 12:52

MintyMoocow · 19/05/2022 12:43

Yeah this OP. All this "I have to be the one to propose" and buying a ring and still holding off is shit game playing. Does he view your relationship as transactional? I will only propose if you do X? And what is the X? Conceive or have a baby?

grapewines · 19/05/2022 12:54

WallaceinAnderland · 19/05/2022 12:41

You want to marry a man that tells you what you're allowed to do? Fuck that.

Show quote history

Worth noting, OP.

He's stringing you along. How long do you want to allow him to?

GandTfortea · 19/05/2022 12:58

Do you need his permission to use the embryos ,what happens when you split up,have you save eggs you can use by yourself

Aquamarine1029 · 19/05/2022 13:00

You'd be mad to have to a baby with this man. I'd be running for the hills. He is never going to marry you.

AlternativePerspective · 19/05/2022 13:09

Tbh I think the time for ultimatums has passed.

He’s made it clear he doesn’t want to marry you, and in all honesty if he did agree to marry you now then it will be because you’ve given him an ultimatum not because he wants to do it.

He made it very clear what he doesn’t want when he turned down your proposal.

At this point I would tell him that the relationship is over. I would have your eggs frozen and I would have the embryos destroyed.

Even if he ever did agree to marry you this isn’t going to be a happy ever after, and I wouldn’t want to bring children into it.

ChiefPearlClutcher · 19/05/2022 13:13

Do not freeze embryos with him! He can withdraw consent and then you have NOTHiNG! This has happened, there are well publicised cases. Can you freeze just your eggs?

WaterBottle123 · 19/05/2022 13:19

islandgirl28 · 19/05/2022 12:32

I haven't formally proposed to him, he said I wasn't allowed too because 'it's for him to do'

Ah. You've got yourself a sexist wanker there OP.

Sorry for all your health issues. I'd suggest proposing to this rather weak man if you still want him. If he says no then you have your answer and can move on and find someone not living in 1986. Best of luck

Newusername21 · 19/05/2022 13:24

My view on this is that you both have totally different attitudes to marriage.
Like any mis-match in a relationship you need to openly discuss it - hear each others views and then either one of you compromises (in this case either you compromise and continue unmarried - or he compromises and you get married) or you decide you cannot continue without a compromise and go your separate ways.
He is entitled to his feelings that marriage is not for him. You are equally entitled to want the security and romance of a wedding. You won't move forward in this relationship until you have an open and honest dialogue about marriage and agree which way you go. If you've got to the stage of freezing embryos together - I dont think its any longer the case of "waiting for the right time".
A decision one way or another now needs to be made. It will be hard whichever way you decide - but you BOTH have to make a hard decision before you actually have children. Because if you carry on "Waiting" as you have been doing so far - eventually the resentment you're feeling will build up and it will damage your relationship anyway.

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