He still won't propose to me

[islandgirl28]

My 'boyfriend' and I have been together for 8 years ..im turning 30 this summer, so still fairly young but about 2 years ago we started talking almost daily about wanting to have children together. By chance, I got pregnant a year ago, he suddenly lept into action and said we would get engaged after all this time .. we then had a heart-breaking experience at the 12-week scan finding out there was no baby, only a large cyst ... I will try to be blunt, I had a large, borderline (cancerous) cyst, had open surgery to remove both cyst and ovary, we were told not to try again for 6-12 months incase another cyst came back .. and worse case scenario if it did - they would want to remove the OTHER ovary also!.. 2 months later had to have keyhole to remove my appendix, we then started trying again.. and then a week ago we got back from doing IVF and freezing embryos together ....
He has been my rock throughout everything .. but I have been telling him the entire time that I never wanted to start a family with someone that did not want to marry me .. I even told him that I it wouldn't feel right to me, to freeze embryos together, without the gesture of him proposing.
He said he didn't have enough money for a ring, I said I didn't care about the ring
I may sound crazy saying the next part, but we even went to look for rings while we were away doing IVF and even ended up getting one ... He is still dragging it out and making me wait, and to be honest the whole thing is completely ruined .. I'm so angry at him
I have always felt strongly that one day I would want to get married. He said early in our relationship that he doesn't really believe in marriage but ultimately he would 'do it' to 'make me happy and when we were ready to have kids'.
He thinks the gesture of commitment that I'm looking for is in the act of him committing to freeze embryos with me - but it is different, I froze embryos with him, in the event that I end up with no reproductive organs! I feel like I have committed my whole future to him (which I want too) but he cant make a gesture of love to me
I feel like even if he does ask me now, it will just feel empty

Marriage is no guarantee that someone will “weather the storm”, stick by you, support you, remain faithful and loyal, be a good parent, be around forever etc. If you are having children with someone, you should have the confidence that they will be all of those things, regardless of paper and rings.

My Brother has been with his partner for 30 years, have 2 kids and never been married. it doesn’t mean they are any less committed to each other.

I’m not against marriage - I’m married myself, but it’s not a guarantee of anything

So even with this background, you started trying for dc before being married? You dont seem that petrified? (sorry that sound abrupt and rude, and I dont mean it to - I can see you are struggling at the moment with life and everything. I think that if you want to be married, then you need to be with someone who has the same views long term
)

I don't see marriage bringing me much financial stability, my friend has told me you both get taxed on both earnings.. and it's never been about that for me

What do you mean by this? Of course you get taxed (unless one of you is not earning and then the other gets the married couple allowance)

This post should be pinned to the top of the relationship board, written in neon in women's toilet walls and put on a 50ft billboard in Trafalgar Square.

I spent years with a man like this, being strung along and eventually dumped when he realised he couldn't keep fobbing me off much longer. I was devastated at the time and thought I'd never meet anyone else.

Now I am so, so thankful that he left, because I found an amazing man who loves me and isn't afraid to commit. I didn't have to convince him to marry me, he wanted to.

You say you feel married OP but you don't, you're upset and resentful about still being a girlfriend instead of a wife. That's ok, it's a completely valid feeling to have in your situation.

I think you need to leave him, you deserve to be with someone who loves you and is prepared to commit to you.

I even told him that I it wouldn't feel right to me, to freeze embryos together, without the gesture of him proposing.
And yet you went ahead anyway, despite having told him you did not want to.
Maybe that mixed message confused him, so he thinks you are less fussed about A Proposal now.

I feel like even if he does ask me now, it will just feel empty
Come off it. You yourself called the Proposal Performance a "gesture".
A proposal gesture IS empty. It's a nonsense fabricated by a society obsessed with gender roles & the romance industry.

What do you actually want here? - to get married, or to receive a proposal?
What's important to the bigger picture?
Marriage isn't a gesture. So if you want marriage, forget the gesture, forget the posturing about who asks who - tell him what you want, agree a date, & get hitched.

You have already accepted each other's proposal.
You have spoken of marriage & you have said no DC until we are married.
Now that you have the embryos - the obvious next step is marriage.
It does not matter who 'proposes' i.e. says the words that lead you both to agree a date.

He is still dragging it out and making me wait,
Stop being a sexist little prig.
The guy is way less into the whole marriage idea than you are, but has said he will marry you.
It's YOU dragging it out, just as much as him - because you are refusing to accept responsibility for just damn well setting a date & making it happen.
Why are you so obsessed with making it all his responsibility?

and to be honest the whole thing is completely ruined
Best walk away then.

Or grow the fuck up & realise that marriage - when it works - it's about a lifetime commitment, to each other & any children, & its importance outweighs a lot of silly fuss about a "gesture".

He did ask me before we went to do IVF if I wanted to just go an get married 'next week', but we both agreed that seemed like a bit of an anti-climax.. and took the excitement out of it

What do you want - excitement, or commitment & security?

Tell him you were daft not to have gone ahead while you were doing the IVF, you appreciate his offer, & you'll ring round the Register Oofices for the next available date. You can do the party later, if you want a big event.

If you still WANT to marry this man, forget about the romantic notions, & focus on the practicalities.

I’m not against marriage - I’m married myself, but it’s not a guarantee of anything

It's a guarantee that, should you split, the legal position of asset separation is assumed to be 50%, & is negotiated from that point.

Unlike a partnership, where one partner (almost always the woman) stands to get totally shafted if she has kids & prioritises raising them over her earnings potential.

Of