Teen daughter blaming me for her self harm and suicidal ideation

[Alwaystoblame]

She doesn't live with me because she is violent to her siblings and me, lies constantly, is verbally abusive, bullying others at school, truant, shoplifting, drinking, smoking, having sex, you name it. She refuses all mental health input saying it doesn't help and she just wants to move on from the past. Social services aren't interested and closed the case recently. She lives with her dad and is 15. If anyone says no to her over anything or takes her phone as punishment she self harms or threatens suicide and despite the fact she rarely sees me or communicates with me it's always my fault. Misbehaves in school and it's because I've said no to her coming her after she's threatened a friend with extreme violence and told them to Jill themselves. Her dad is very abusive and has successfully alienated her from me over the past few years. I have 2 other dc who have no issues but I'm told I'm unstable and an unfit mother by Dd and her dad. She has said she doesn't want me in her life anymore so I am respecting her wishes. Everything is still my fault though.
Has anyone got any advice on how to cope with all this please?

Poor kid - sounds like she has been completely failed by both her parents

When you say her father is abusive, could he be abusing her?
Do you know what triggered these behaviours originally, your dd says she wants to move on from the past.
Angry kids have to blame someone and it’s usually mum. I think it sounds like she has too many problems to be rational.
I think you need outside support, could you contact SS or maybe Barnardos ? Don’t know where you live but in Wales they do a lot of family support work.
Wishing you well, it sounds like an exhausting situation.

Honestly, while I understand you kicked her out to protect your other children, you sent her to live with an abusive man. Did you seriously expect a different outcome to the one you are getting?

Why is she living with her dad if he's abusive? I really do feel for you but she is just a child and I think she needs you. Please don't turn your back on her.

Try social services again? Why did they close the case?

Try to separate the behaviour from the sad, anxious, scared girl inside who probably feels out of control and underneath it all desperately wants/needs someone to help her regain control. Her behaviour could have been triggered by hormonal changes, or abuse, the latter seems likely. My suggestion would be to make it clear that you are not turning your back on her, and will always care for her as she is your daughter, even if she is saying she wants no contact. Is it possible that she has learned the blame game from you? Your post is blaming her for the current situation but it is obviously far more complex than that. Try to avoid confrontation and argument and perhaps encourage her to spend some time with you away from home, go for a pizza, or a walk or take her for a beauty treatment depending on what she might enjoy.

All I'm getting from this is that her Dad is abusing her and now she's stuck there with her confused mind. Hopefully I'm wrong

When there are other siblings who are being physically hurt the reality of the situation changes. Posters asking OP why she has allowed any part if the situation are only repeating the abuse she is receiving from her ex and her daughter.

Facts are the situation is fucked up. SS and mental health services have not been able to help, school is doing what it can, the father is, apparently, adding fuel to the fire. And some here choose the point a finger at OP who has had to act to protect herself and her other children.

@Alwaystoblame I can only assume you have tried to access all help you can find and, possibly because of her age, her refusal to engage and because her father us housing her, nobody has been able to get to your daughter long enough to help her. So, sadly, all you can do is look after yourself, your other kids need you too. Your DD needs to know you love her but can't accept her behaviour, will be there for her if/when she wants to access some proper help.

Talk to the school, the DSL will listen to you, give you what advice they can. Talk to anyone else, SS etc, tell them you are having to step back but want to help if the situation changes. And anything else anyone else suggests.

Best of luck

She's very angry with you. In a lot of cases self harm stems from rage, and the anger is with the parent. She is trying to punish you, probably because she feels you have failed her. In what way is father abusive, and who has he directed this abuse to? Has she been referred to CAMHs?

This. And I'm stunned that the first response is to cut contact with her poor kid.

What I read was that OP has tried to engage help from MH services and social services. And now she is seeking help here. Anyone who actually cares about the daughter will engage with that, rather than making an attack.

Her daughter is a teenager and can choose where to live. OP cannot stop her from living with her father, if that is what the daughter wants. She may seek out her father as he supports or condones, or at least does not try to alter, her out of control and angry behaviour.

None of us know what is going on with her daughter to make her behave in the way she does. I've lived and seen enough to know that it is simply not true that all children with behaviour problems are caused by parenting. There are many children with loving parents who seek out support, but whose children have issues which mean they are still extremely challenging.

You have my every sympathy OP. It must be so hard. I don't know what to suggest other than letting her know you love her unconditionally and door is open if she wants support/ comfort or to talk.

Her dad is very abusive

Why have you left her with him op????

No wonder she is at the end of her tether and feeling suicidal, poor thing. I appreciate she is hard work, many teens are, but honestly I can't believe you have left her there.

This is not a child that you can 'punish', you need to start loving her, hugging her and telling you are actually there for her. Please for goodness sake go and get her and tell her you are going to take care of her. Yes she has gone off the rails, but she is your child, it is your job to guide her back before it is too late.

I am so sad to read your post. Don't give up on her, she will come through if you are there for her.

This kids been failed by both parents and that’s heartbreaking. Have you got to the bottom of what exactly triggered this? I was similar and it was down to a past experience. Sounds like she’s been failed by the system too. You need to demand more help before she actually goes through with her threats.

I can't reply fully right now as I'm at work but just to clear a few points:

DD left home to live with her dad voluntarily. She kept running away from home to him. Court has been involved and said she can choose where she lives. She chooses him.

I have begged and pleaded with school, the GP, mental health services, social services and the court for help. Dd and her dad won't engage and things don't meet the threshold for child protection.

She's gone off the rails since living there.

I have always been there for her and always am. I went to every show, play, sports day, school event, parents evening and have praised and encouraged and told her she's loved daily. She's hugged every time I see her and told she's loved.

I have given her a stable home life. We live where we have always lived. Her dad has lived in several places since he left for OW when Dd was 5. He's had several relationships since and 2 more dc.

At mine she is cared for, meals provided, clothes cleaned, nice room that I did t weeks doing up for her when she hit 13 so it was more mature and had her own space, hygiene needs provided for, school promoted and encouraged, I make sure homework is done and we go away regularly for days out or little trips somewhere to the coast and places she loves. I work school hours so I'm always available when the dc are home.

ExH has painted me as evil and psychotic. I am neither.

Social services say there's nothing they can do as exH and Dd won't engage.

ExH blames me for his affair and his mental health issues. He's a narcissist.

I've tried everything I can think of to help her but she throws it back in my face and blames me for how she feels.

She won't allow me to accompany her to any appointments and has told the GP not to tell me anything. She tells me to butt out of everything.

She knows her home is here and waiting for her when or if she decides to come back.

Do ss know about the suicide threats?

Do you have any counselling? I'm sorry it's so hard. It doesn't sound like you can do more than you are, just make sure to take care of yourself too.

And I don't blame her at all.

Ignore posters saying you have failed her.

She's 15. It's a horrible age. I don't think you can stop her living with her dad. I also think you need strong boundaries, so saying there are things that aren't acceptable in your house is OK.

Can you speak to social services again regarding a possible safeguarding issue with your ex? Or to school?

Some posters need to read the whole thread before going around making accusations
OP from the sound of things you are trying and thats all you can do , keep trying those avenues and making sure your dd knows you are there for her
But like you say you can't force her and if your ex is making situation worse then its probably fuelling her anger and helping her justify it
Hopefully she seeks help and then can work on herself and relationships

Write her a very short card stating that you love her, that wherever she chooses to live, whatever she decides to do you love her deeply and believe in her.
That you will always love her, and your door will always be open and will be waiting for her when she is ready.
Give it to her, with a small necklace, an angel or guardian to look out for her.

Mean every word, if she gets in contact, leave the past behind don't speak about it again, and embrace her wholeheartedly. In time when he trust has returned you can get some help for her.

This poor girl has been damaged I suspect by the abusive relationship you have had with her father. Somewhere along the line your relationship with her has broken down - for reasons perhaps you do know in your heart, and this is the outcome, and it is very serious.

Personally in your position. I would organise for the other children to be looked after, and I would take her away just you and her for a few days, walk along the beach and look her in the eye and tell her how much she means to you, that you are sorry for her terrible childhood and you will do all you can to support her. You need to try and reconnect with her.

I am not blaming you for your terrible ex, and his abuse, but you are safe away from him now and your dd is now in peril.
Have you got a grandparents that could get involved?
Other family members or friends?
You need some proper support op. I would call SS again and tell them you think she is in danger with her father. I am surprised the school have not already contacted them.

Family counselling would help, if she would agree to it.

Do everything possible - throw everything at it - and try and get her to see how much she means to you and her life does have value. SHE has value to all of you no matter how badly she behaves. Given her situation her behaviour is not surprising at all. It will pass as she gets older, and finds strategies to deal with her sadness, confusion and trauma, but right now she is in the eye of the storm, and you need to be right there with her - everyone else's needs are secondary to getting her through this. If the worst happens, the fall out will be absolutely enormous for all of you - including your younger children. So I simply do not agree with pp that say put yourself first. Not in this incidence do you put yourself first - she has to come first until she is in a a place of safety both physically and mentally.

I wish you all the luck and love in the world. Go and get your girl op, find a way. Keep banging down those doors, if nothing else she will know how much you care, it will count for something on some level trust me (as a dd that slammed the door on my own mother more times than I can count) It WILL get better, but you need to get her to a place of safety.

You sound like you have been a lovely parent op, but in the midst of it all something has gone very wrong. Those stating just leave her to it, clearly do not understand what it means to lose a child to suicide, obviously have no real comprehension of what happens to everyone that is left behind. They would not be advising just to basically ignore her if they did.

Her behaviour is so extreme I suspect she has suffered trauma/abuse.

Given your update I suspect the strength of her feeling shows the strength of her love for you - you’ve been a solid base for her and part of her wants and expects you to have the ability to make things ok for her.

Could you afford family therapy? Have you tried love bombing?

Alternatively I would get reading (have you read The Book You Wish Your Parents Read by Phillipa Perry, I’m sure there are specific reads about teens with these behaviours too), try and get expert advice about how to support her. Have you done any parenting courses yourself? She sounds in immeasurable pain so keep loving her and showing how much you care.

Think your doing the right thing just give her time and space. She needs to take some responsibility to get help. You have to think of your other children and the stress she is causing. I expect in time she will come back to you . He can deal with the stress or she can go into care this will be a eye opener to her and its not like Tracey Beaker. Sometimes you can do to much for kids so they lash out or have behaviours to feel a sense of control over their lives she my have never dealt with your breakup and their could be other issues. You sound like a parent who has done her best in a difficult situation.

Feel your pain. And there's no shame in putting your hand up and saying "I've done all I can for now". You cannot undo the past but you can stand firm and set boundaries whilst showing love.

I don't think anyone here criticising you here has lived through years of the physical and verbal abuse that my friend experienced at the hands of her child. You wouldn't expect this from anyone, why your child?

You can self-refer to Social Services, again and again. And every time she threatens suicide or destroys any property call the police.