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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

I’ve got a bad feeling.

37 replies

Sausagelove · 17/05/2022 23:07

My marriage is abusive and I’ve been putting up with it for far too long. There is no physical violence but awful verbal, emotional, and financial abuse. His anger and hatred towards me is off the scale. Lately I’ve felt increasingly uneasy round him and a sense of danger. I’ve wondered if he was planning to kill me then told myself I’m being silly.I’ve asked him to move out, and he has. He is furious.

Today I had a conversation with his brother. Bil is very sensible and nice. He knows we’ve not been getting on although not the truth. Bil said he has become seriously concerned. He said H often rants about me in a furious spiteful manner and blames me for everything.He said H is consumed by it. He said H gives off a evil sinister energy (he does) and that he no longer wants him around him or his children. He said he is seriously concerned that H is going to hurt me and that he has long suspected him to be a sociopath.

I don’t know if I’m just spooked, but I’m actually really frightened. I used to have that awful anxious feeling around him that i realise was actually fear. I am not worried he is going to attack me, I am worried he is going to kill me.

I know that womens aid and the police can help but realistically he could be in this house within seconds if he wanted to.

OP posts:
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SparkleOwl65 · 17/05/2022 23:09

Phone women's aid OP and they will tell you how to leave safely, which is essentially what you need to do. If you can gain any evidence from BIL that he feels this way then do that also. You are not alone. Keep talking on here.

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LBF2020 · 17/05/2022 23:10

Can you go and stay with a friend/family for a bit? Or at the least change the locks? Get a ring doorbell for your peace of mind?

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Xx

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Opaljewel · 17/05/2022 23:19

Definitely alert the police. They can install panic alarms. Listen to your instinct. It's there for a reason. Get everyone on board as much as you can.

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BoDerek · 17/05/2022 23:23

Oh goodness, please act on this. Yes Woman’s Aid can help you. Please do whatever it is you’d advise a good friend or a sister to do if this was happening to them.

Nothing is worth living like this. I know people in here will advise you not to move out but I’m more of the thinking that it’s better to be alive than right.

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SparkleOwl65 · 17/05/2022 23:30

BoDerek · 17/05/2022 23:23

Oh goodness, please act on this. Yes Woman’s Aid can help you. Please do whatever it is you’d advise a good friend or a sister to do if this was happening to them.

Nothing is worth living like this. I know people in here will advise you not to move out but I’m more of the thinking that it’s better to be alive than right.

Yes but needs to move out safely. Women are most at risk when they leave. I left in the night when he was on shift. Went somewhere he couldn't find me. If I'd have told him I was leaving he may have killed me.

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Sausagelove · 17/05/2022 23:34

The house is solely mine. I cannot move at the moment. I have pets that I can’t take to friends houses and a ring doorbell is not affordable at the moment. I can get the locks changed tomorrow.

I feel he has become seriously unwell. He is doing and saying strange things.and recently bought a legal weapon.He has lost everything and in truth has little left to lose. I feel he is now bitterly plotting. But it’s only a feeling and there is no proof.He has never physically hurt me or threatened to.

He ticks all these boxes although I don’t think he’s ever stalked anyone. I wish I hadn’t read it.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-49481998

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Greensleeves · 17/05/2022 23:36

Your instincts are screaming that you're in danger. Your BIL, who presumably has known your H since childhood, is scared for you and doesn't want your H around his family. I'd say you're absolutely right - this is a dangerous period for you, and you need to extricate yourself very carefully. Violent men generally escalate when they think their victim is making a break for it. I'd go and stay with family, call Women's Aid and get advice from a place of safety. If you have any burly male relatives who could return and collect some essentials for you, that might be a good idea too - you stay well away, don't let him know where you are, and have no contact.

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justforthisnow · 17/05/2022 23:38

Have you children?
Call police and register your concern tonight.
Can you stay somewhere else tonight?
Change locks tomorrow, and follow all the other advice previous re Womens Aid

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EllaB22 · 17/05/2022 23:42

Please consider going to stay with family . . . If anyone in my family called in this situation and asked to come even at this time, I would be so glad to help however I could. You can work out pets in short term. Call Womens Aid / Police too. Take care, keep talking on here 💐

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FlowerArranger · 17/05/2022 23:45

Change the locks as a matter of urgency.
Report his behaviour to the police.
Ask them about installing alarms.
Talk to women's aid.
Consider filing a restraining order.
If possible, have a (prefereably male) relative move in with you temporarily.

Those are options I'd consider, but WA and the police are probably best placed to advise you.

But also talk to a family solicitor about separation and divorce. I'm somewhat worried that he might have a claim on a share of your house, which is why I'd seek legal advice asap.

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Fenella123 · 17/05/2022 23:51

Time to go and stay with friends or family for a bit. Ideally someone, or an address at least, that he doesn't know. Take all your important and sentimental stuff or get a mate to look after it for you.

Does he know where you work? Is that a concern?

Yes, staying away is a bit of a hassle, but there's not a huge downside. The potential upsides, from being able to sleep at night, to not having your passport, your precious mementos of your gran, or you yourself being chopped to tiny pieces by an unhinged man, those upsides are huge.

Maybe he is just a dick rather than a murderous dick. But for each woman who ends up a tragic victim in the news, how many don't because they went, "not gonna gamble on this, I am out of.here"?

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HollowTalk · 18/05/2022 00:04

You have to take this so seriously. For his brother to say that, it means an awful lot.

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HollowTalk · 18/05/2022 00:04

Do you have children? Who is in your house at the moment?

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PyongyangKipperbang · 18/05/2022 00:06

Could you stay with your BIL and his family? It sounds like he has your ex's number and will keep you as safe as you are likely to be without going to a refuge. There are fostering agencies that can help with your pets that specialise in helping victims of abuse.

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Sausagelove · 18/05/2022 00:07

I cannot leave my home and even if I did he obviously would know I had gone to certain friends. He knows where I work and where I go. I was going to say I don’t feel in immediate danger tonight but I just realised I usually leave the back door open for the pets to wander in and out and I have kept it locked tonight.

What realistically will the police do, based on a feeling? He hasn’t commented any crime?

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Chilesstanton · 18/05/2022 00:12

Where will your pets go if he follows through?! Please trust your instincts and protect yourself!!!

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ReadyToMoveIt · 18/05/2022 00:25

If you genuinely feel you’re in danger from him, then the pets thing is kind of irrelevant. You won’t be able to look after them if you’re dead, either. Your safety is paramount here.

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ReadyToMoveIt · 18/05/2022 00:25

He has committed the crime of emotional and financial abuse.

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DrinkFeckArseBrick · 18/05/2022 08:15

It's not based on a feeling OP. The facts are -
He has emotionally abused you.
His own brother is concerned for your safety to the point of warning you due to his ranting and raving about you
He has recently bought a weapon
He is extremely angry
Women in general are most at risk when they have ended an abusive relationship

You have nothing to lose by speaking to the police.

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bouncydog · 18/05/2022 09:06

Contact the police without delay. In the event that the legal weapon is a gun of some description I believe that they would remove it until such time as it was deemed safe to be returned.

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RocketAndAFuckingMelon · 18/05/2022 09:17

Sausagelove · 18/05/2022 00:07

I cannot leave my home and even if I did he obviously would know I had gone to certain friends. He knows where I work and where I go. I was going to say I don’t feel in immediate danger tonight but I just realised I usually leave the back door open for the pets to wander in and out and I have kept it locked tonight.

What realistically will the police do, based on a feeling? He hasn’t commented any crime?

He has - coercive control is now a crime. I would report that, and also tell them about the weapon. There is more information about coercive control here. I would encourage you to report it even if you don't feel you 'tick all the boxes.' rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-information/violence-against-women-and-international-law/coercive-control-and-the-law/

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wanderingscot · 18/05/2022 09:36

Doing nothing is not an option.
Trust your gut instinct, contact Womens Aid and get yourself to a place of safety asap. I would put your house on the market asap.

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Itstimetoquit · 18/05/2022 09:38

I've been here before,I asked the police to be at my house when I asked him to leave as I too was scared and felt in danger,call the police they helped me so much x

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Sausagelove · 18/05/2022 20:44

Thanks everyone for your advice. I’ve spoken to the police who are going to come and see me and I’ve also been in touch with a local support agency who were quite concerned and are also going to come and see me. I’ve also arranged to have the locks changed and have secured things really well.

I cannot believe what I’ve been putting up with. I can’t stop crying.

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hobbledyhoy · 18/05/2022 20:55

I felt terrified for you just reading this, you poor soul, I'm pleased you're now feeling safe and have spoken to the police.

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