Page 3 | Dating someone who is separated but not yet divorced..

CapricornCrescent · 2022-05-17T12:32:13+00:00

Just wondering what people make of this situation and how far to go into this as I'm at the point where it i shut things down, albeit sad.. I'll get over it pretty quickly. Met someone from a dating app a couple of months ago.. We clicked immediately. Have so much in common. He's quite smitten with me. I've been a bit more reserved with my feelings owing to past abusive relationships.. He's been very honest from the get go.. He's been separated for a few years but neither him or his wife have made moves to make it official. Neither of them have started to date until he joined an app recently. He maintains an amicable relationship with his wife for their shared child's sake. He literally spends every moment talking to me and I've been able to see him freely so I know he's definitely telling me the truth. We spoke about things and he said basically he's scared to make things official on the seperation front as he isn't sure how his wife will react and that he doesn't want to lose his daughter.. I just mentioned we should take a day by day approach.. Aside from this complication which he's been very honest about, he is so decent and kind and makes me feel good about myself. I just have some doubts that have crept in.. What would others do?

Jumpking · 18/05/2022 15:08

@GetThatHelmetOn

I'm sorry that happened to you.

My guy would have told me if that's what he's agreed with his ex. We occasionally chat about his separation, including finances and his thoughts about houses, and he'd have told me about any of those stipulations already.

He's always been an honest guy, and he doesn't have it in him to withhold that sort of important stuff.

Which is why the OP is best placed to make the call about her man, not a load of internet strangers.

litterbird · 18/05/2022 15:38

Give him a bit of time. If he makes you feel good and he is giving you attention, just go with it for now. I played the long game with my partner. He was separated when we met 2 years ago, moved to his parents until the marital home was sold. 2 years on and he has just sent me screen shots of his divorce application. I never pestered him about it because I saw how he was with me. He did tell me, when we first started dating, of how worried he was about the impact around how is ex would feel and access to his child when he starts divorce proceedings. I think these are valid and normal feelings going through this process. However, the courts will not allow her to stop access to the child if there isn't proof of anything untoward. You are very new to this relationship, dont give up just yet. Hear him out, his feelings are valid as are yours. He seems to like you let him get to his decision about divorce when he is ready. There is nothing wrong in bringing the subject up after a while and checking in with him periodically.

Sunnygirl1 · 18/05/2022 15:42

If you had 5 children like your Mum - 4 sons & 1 daughter, how would you like your house inheritance to be shared/given to your daughter only?

GetThatHelmetOn · 18/05/2022 15:50

Jumpking · 18/05/2022 15:08

@GetThatHelmetOn

I'm sorry that happened to you.

My guy would have told me if that's what he's agreed with his ex. We occasionally chat about his separation, including finances and his thoughts about houses, and he'd have told me about any of those stipulations already.

He's always been an honest guy, and he doesn't have it in him to withhold that sort of important stuff.

Which is why the OP is best placed to make the call about her man, not a load of internet strangers.

We talked a lot about finances and had the same level of financial openness as with my exH, but pretty much as with my exH, there were things he chose to keep to himself as he knew I wouldn’t be happy about them.

I have come to accept the world is full of disappointed women who at some point thought “my man would never ever do something like that”, so I suggest you give him a maximum of 2 years (your second anniversary) before you broach the conversation and if he still thinks it is not necessary to apply for divorce or has not started the process, then start putting your ducks in a row. At this time he has no interest in getting divorced because he doesn’t care enough about you or thinks you are ok with it, and why would he change if he is having his cake and eating it?

Original poster

CapricornCrescent · 18/05/2022 16:01

litterbird · 18/05/2022 15:38

Give him a bit of time. If he makes you feel good and he is giving you attention, just go with it for now. I played the long game with my partner. He was separated when we met 2 years ago, moved to his parents until the marital home was sold. 2 years on and he has just sent me screen shots of his divorce application. I never pestered him about it because I saw how he was with me. He did tell me, when we first started dating, of how worried he was about the impact around how is ex would feel and access to his child when he starts divorce proceedings. I think these are valid and normal feelings going through this process. However, the courts will not allow her to stop access to the child if there isn't proof of anything untoward. You are very new to this relationship, dont give up just yet. Hear him out, his feelings are valid as are yours. He seems to like you let him get to his decision about divorce when he is ready. There is nothing wrong in bringing the subject up after a while and checking in with him periodically.

Thank you. This is how I feel. Its natural to feel doubts. I don't exactly have a clean slate in that I left a very abusive relationship and have a daughter with my ex so he's somewhat still in my life owing to contact arrangements.
I think he's worth a chance.. He doesn't spend every waking moment talking to me in a red flag way, I just mean he's available and I don't wait hours to hear from him.. We've both been really open with each other about our histories.. It's a always going to be difficult to move on when you've spent 20 + years with someone. I think this post is what I was feeling and I know many people have said to throw him back etc, but if I felt any red flags I would.. I guess I'll just take a day by day approach, it's still all very new.

OP posts:

litterbird · 18/05/2022 16:31

@CapricornCrescent , yes, take it day to day. That’s how I did it. It can get frustrating sometimes but for me it was worth it. I am in the best relationship I have had due to be open and honest from the beginning. Good luck OP x

Jumpking · 18/05/2022 17:29

GetThatHelmetOn · 18/05/2022 15:50

We talked a lot about finances and had the same level of financial openness as with my exH, but pretty much as with my exH, there were things he chose to keep to himself as he knew I wouldn’t be happy about them.

I have come to accept the world is full of disappointed women who at some point thought “my man would never ever do something like that”, so I suggest you give him a maximum of 2 years (your second anniversary) before you broach the conversation and if he still thinks it is not necessary to apply for divorce or has not started the process, then start putting your ducks in a row. At this time he has no interest in getting divorced because he doesn’t care enough about you or thinks you are ok with it, and why would he change if he is having his cake and eating it?

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I am ok with it 😉