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Original poster

Dating someone who is separated but not yet divorced..

57 replies

CapricornCrescent · 17/05/2022 13:32

Just wondering what people make of this situation and how far to go into this as I'm at the point where it i shut things down, albeit sad.. I'll get over it pretty quickly.
Met someone from a dating app a couple of months ago.. We clicked immediately. Have so much in common. He's quite smitten with me. I've been a bit more reserved with my feelings owing to past abusive relationships..
He's been very honest from the get go.. He's been separated for a few years but neither him or his wife have made moves to make it official. Neither of them have started to date until he joined an app recently. He maintains an amicable relationship with his wife for their shared child's sake. He literally spends every moment talking to me and I've been able to see him freely so I know he's definitely telling me the truth. We spoke about things and he said basically he's scared to make things official on the seperation front as he isn't sure how his wife will react and that he doesn't want to lose his daughter.. I just mentioned we should take a day by day approach.. Aside from this complication which he's been very honest about, he is so decent and kind and makes me feel good about myself.
I just have some doubts that have crept in..
What would others do?

OP posts:
DenholmElliot · 17/05/2022 20:43

Whats his living arrangements?

Isaidnoalready · 17/05/2022 20:52

Yeah I would throw this one back but only because my personal experience with my ex he refused to sign divorce papers would scream and threatened suicide so I waited five years put the papers in he refuted my reasons the courts upheld my reasons and my divorce was granted

He still tells people we are married because I'm " not over him"

We ARE divorced

So I would run

aboutbloodytime123 · 17/05/2022 21:00

On paper my DP and I were both still married when we met. But ex partners had both moved out and moved on. Divorce takes time and money! We are both divorced now, and engaged but it was never an issue for us. I am in contact with my ex very regularly because we share custody of our DC and its all very amicable. if I'm honest, i think DP doesn't entirely like it but he's never said anything because he knows it's unavoidable at the moment.

Original poster
CapricornCrescent · 17/05/2022 21:32

He lives on his own and has his daughter EOW.

OP posts:
Blossomandbee · 17/05/2022 21:42

So why does he think his wife might react badly to him wanting a divorce? I can understand they might have just not got round to it as such, but if they've been separated a while and living separately etc why would there be an issue?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 17/05/2022 21:57

I think it's just that he is a coward

And that would be attractive would it? Hmm
As a PP said, there's every chance his wife (ex or not) could be yanking him around for years, and that'll impact on you - which is the reason I'd pull out before you invest any more

BrightOrangeOrange · 17/05/2022 21:59

I did. We have been married 18 years.

BrightOrangeOrange · 17/05/2022 22:05

Different situation though.

Both DH & his EXW moved on very quickly. We have all been together since.

Tiredandfedup22 · 17/05/2022 22:15

It depends on what his relationship with his wife is. Does she see this separation as final? Are they still talking about their marriage?

I doubt you will ever get the real answer to those questions.

If he doesn't want her to know about you, it's probably for a reason.

It's not as situation I would put myself in.

mumieone · 17/05/2022 22:16

Men tend to know very quickly if you are a keeper and if they want you for the long haul or a short ride to help fix his divorce papers, be his little mascot, and be around to moan to and listen to all the stories about his dreadful ex wife who can't let go.

Next he will be telling you that his daughter is upset because she feels loyalty to her mum and that you can't come around when she is there. You will be hiding from the daughter.

Next tale.. you can tell I know this story well. If his 'potential ex wife' finds out about you she will get jealous and want to make the divorce difficult and take him for all he has. So he would like to keep things friendly with her and civil until the papers are signed (you know that means they will fall in and out of bed on occasion and may never ever sign the divorce papers because of their financial situation and the kids).

As the women dating the separated man you are meant to put up with a sub optimal relationship. Be ok with him being in alot of touch with 'proposed ex wife' and of course not allowed around his place when his daughter is around (leaving him loads of opportunities to have other women around he might want to multi date but just telling you his daughter is around).

They may get a decree nisi and leave it at that. Then he may decide he just wants to live a little and have his nights out and be that young single man he once was and explore himself. You'll be left out.

Thankless charity job dating anyone separated. Only they have a good time.

mum11970 · 17/05/2022 23:22

The not being divorced yet isn’t an issue, being too scared to even start proceedings is. Does his ex know about you? If you are being hidden from family and friends in case she finds out then dump him immediately.

Hapoydayz · 17/05/2022 23:27

Sounds like too much hard work. Why bother, there are millions of other men

Iflyaway · 17/05/2022 23:34

neither him or his wife have made moves to make it official.

Just walk away.

You do not want to be with a man with unfinished business.....

Daenerys77 · 17/05/2022 23:51

I would tell him I don't date married men and suggest he gets in touch once he's unmarried. Obviously you can't guarantee that you will still be available.

Wannabegreenfingers · 18/05/2022 06:45

Divorce is only expensive if you involve solicitors. You can do it online yourself for not a lot of money. I can't understand being separated, but not divorcing for years.

Only you can decide if its a deal breaker.

daisychain01 · 18/05/2022 06:58

KettrickenSmiled · 17/05/2022 15:05

Neither of them have started to date until he joined an app recently.
Why is he informing you about his wife's dating history?
Why is he linking is wife's dating activity to his own like this?
Not appropriate. Not ok.

He maintains an amicable relationship with his wife for their shared child's sake.
Big whoops.
Don't applaud a fish for swimming.

He literally spends every moment talking to me and I've been able to see him freely so I know he's definitely telling me the truth.
Every moment? RED FLAG.
You've known him 2 months & he expects to monopolising ALL your free time?

We spoke about things and he said basically he's scared to make things official on the seperation front as he isn't sure how his wife will react
It doesn't matter how his wife will react. Lawyers will handle it if she doesn't want to. They are separated - he wants a divorce.
Is he saying he's not sure if SHE wants a divorce? - RED FLAG.
Or is he - cluelessly - inadvertently letting the cat out of the bag that HE doesn;t really want to divorce?

and that he doesn't want to lose his daughter..
SNORTS OF DISBELIEF.
Why would he "lose" his daughter? He gets a lawyer, he negotiates access/RP/sharing/whatever, & he sorts it out, like a grown up.

I just mentioned we should take a day by day approach..
Of course you should. It's his wife, his kid, & his divorce. Or not.
he is just some guy you've dated for 2 months. he shouldn't be laying all this angst on you.
The fact he hasn't bothered/wanted a divorce for YEARS is NOT YOUR PROBLEM. He doesn't get to make it your problem just because he's got a new g/f & realises he now might want to deal with the unpleasant drudgery of sorting out a divorce after all.

Aside from this complication which he's been very honest about, he is so decent and kind and makes me feel good about myself.
Carry on as you are. Don't invest further emotionally until you have more of a measure of him. Enjoy the dating - shut him down if he thinks he can bleat to you about his wife.

I just have some doubts that have crept in..
What are these doubts, specifically?

What would others do?
Take your sensible day by day approach. And not be pushed into anything I was not ready for. And keep a sceptical eye on any signs of unhealthy enmeshment with his wife. And don't meet the kid til you've known him for a year. (if you last that long!)

This post is the finest example of Bullshit Busting!

You can drive a coach and horses through all the lines this bloke is feeding you OP. Please wake up and smell the coffee, he's full of shit so don't get taken in by someone making every lame excuse why he can't get the priorities sorted out - imagine living with someone who put stuff off and gives you all sorts of excuses, a nightmare!!

Fuuuuuckit · 18/05/2022 07:26

Neither do or I were divorced when we first started going out, mine was acrimonious and protracted and took 3.5 years. He was co-parenting well with his ex and didn't want to rock the boat with her, but he couldn't see how upset I felt that whilst I was going through hell untangling the legal bit of my (abusive) marriage, he was quite happy to stay married to his ex. It took her getting pregnant to her new dp (and the stark realisation that legally my dp, as her husband, could register the birth and name the baby) for them both to sort it out.

We broke up for a while over it all. In hindsight I should have left them to it - we're happy now but it was crushingly painful to think that my boyfriend was happily still married (legally, certainly not physically or emotionally) at the time.

NotTheMrMenAgain · 18/05/2022 13:19

Er, yeah - this is the exact line my soon-to-be-ex husband fed to all of the women he was shagging - and making unwitting mistresses of - down in London, while I was working and looking after DC and unwell, elderly parents in another part of the country. I had no idea our marriage was over - if we were separated at that point it was only in his head and he hadn’t had the courtesy to let me know! He also had all of the time in the world for these various women, as he only came home most weekends - obviously told them he was having DC during the weekends he couldn’t see them. During lockdown these women missed him and started sending him cards and gifts, which is how I discovered what he was doing. Fun times.

On the bright side it worked out fabulously well for me and I’m much, much happier. But I’d advise you to be careful and proceed with caution, just in case.

Cherryblossoms85 · 18/05/2022 13:24

Dunno really. Wouldn't be a deal breaker, maybe a slight worry. I dated a man who was separated but not divorced, but it was only 6 months and he was just trying to get all the paperwork together. We got married almost as soon as the divorce came through and was all fine, but there were no children involved (well, apart from how we already had a child by the time we got married, bit of a timing glitch!).

Jumpking · 18/05/2022 13:53

Up to you if it's an issue.

My man separated Jan 20, not divorced yet. I separated Apr 20. I'm divorced. He was shocked when mine came through, as he said it was really quick. I explained it actually took a year longer than it could have done. My ex is vile, so wanted distance asap.

He's got a good relationship with his ex. Neither see divorcing as a priority... It's only a piece of paper to both of them...so neither have bothered to submit paperwork.

Since the start of being with him, he's taken things very slowly and I'm now ok playing the long game with him, as he's really worth waiting for. I feel no need to rush into the "this is a LTR, isn't it?" chat with him. He's made it clear he's thinking long term about me, the paperwork will catch up one day.

It's not a deal breaker for me OP, as I know my man. Only you can decide if it's a deal breaker for you.

GetThatHelmetOn · 18/05/2022 14:22

Jumpking · 18/05/2022 13:53

Up to you if it's an issue.

My man separated Jan 20, not divorced yet. I separated Apr 20. I'm divorced. He was shocked when mine came through, as he said it was really quick. I explained it actually took a year longer than it could have done. My ex is vile, so wanted distance asap.

He's got a good relationship with his ex. Neither see divorcing as a priority... It's only a piece of paper to both of them...so neither have bothered to submit paperwork.

Since the start of being with him, he's taken things very slowly and I'm now ok playing the long game with him, as he's really worth waiting for. I feel no need to rush into the "this is a LTR, isn't it?" chat with him. He's made it clear he's thinking long term about me, the paperwork will catch up one day.

It's not a deal breaker for me OP, as I know my man. Only you can decide if it's a deal breaker for you.

Don’t bother… mine was worth the long game, was properly separated, my son had a bedroom in his house, we had been looking for a house for three years (It was me who didn’t like the houses/locations), just for him to tell me, almost 4 years down the line that his divorce had not come through yet because he never applied, he had promised his ex not to divorce/remarry to ensure all his assets would go to their son if he died. Yes, he talked about wills, but someway a will could protect his son well if he died (he had plenty of assets) but would leave my son homeless if I did (he wanted me to put the whole of the equity of my home/only asset towards the home he wanted us to buy together so if I died, my son wouldn’t get anything until he, my partner, died).

Interestingly, it is the same situation with my current partner, he wants to marry and I don’t, we have found out that protecting his kids or mine with a will may work, but although we can trust each other to be fair with each other kids, I cannot trust his ex wife not to challenge his will to get part of my assets for her kids. Besides… wills can always be changed without informing the interested parties.

JustSmallFry · 18/05/2022 14:29

My now DH was separated but not divorced when we first got together BUT he and his wife had taken all the steps to separate their finances, the house etc. He stayed married to her because if anything had happened to him, she would have got a widow's pension/payout, which ultimately would have gone to their son. As soon as things got serious between us, he finalised the divorce (extremely simple as everything had been worked out years before[.

Your situation sounds a lot more precarious. They lives are still very much intertwined. The bit about losing his daughter is BS, if you ask me. People don't lose access to their children merely by virtue of being in a new relationship. Proceed with caution.

GetThatHelmetOn · 18/05/2022 14:43

Yes, that part of losing his child is absolute BS especially if he gets along well with his ex. Actually, he would need to be a pretty shit parent (ie. Abusive towards the children) to lose contact, but even then, it would be very difficult for the mother to stop contact. He just doesn’t want to divorce.

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 18/05/2022 14:44

I dated someone who was separated.
In the end they got back together.
😬🙈 Which is of course their right.

In light of that I'd give a person in similar circumstances the swerve.

GetThatHelmetOn · 18/05/2022 14:55

I have a friend who had a straight forward “divorce” after mutually agreeing to split, he submitted al the forms, everything was ratified and agreed for the ex wife to submit the decree absolute form at the end of it.

Something I found interesting of his crazy ex wife, was that on the day I met her, the first question she asked was if I was still menstruating (WTAF?), we were just friends but I found it interesting that she was concerned I could produce a child, I wondered what the hell was going on, but it wasn’t until years later that he realised, when he decided to use the CMS for child maintenance, that he was still married. The “friendly” ex wife never submitted the decree absolute form, she just kept it with her for 15 years until it suited her to be divorced. She was still single after all the time so, if he had not tried to use the CMS neither he or his partner would have not noticed.