Dating someone who is separated but not yet divorced..

[CapricornCrescent]

Just wondering what people make of this situation and how far to go into this as I'm at the point where it i shut things down, albeit sad.. I'll get over it pretty quickly.
Met someone from a dating app a couple of months ago.. We clicked immediately. Have so much in common. He's quite smitten with me. I've been a bit more reserved with my feelings owing to past abusive relationships..
He's been very honest from the get go.. He's been separated for a few years but neither him or his wife have made moves to make it official. Neither of them have started to date until he joined an app recently. He maintains an amicable relationship with his wife for their shared child's sake. He literally spends every moment talking to me and I've been able to see him freely so I know he's definitely telling me the truth. We spoke about things and he said basically he's scared to make things official on the seperation front as he isn't sure how his wife will react and that he doesn't want to lose his daughter.. I just mentioned we should take a day by day approach.. Aside from this complication which he's been very honest about, he is so decent and kind and makes me feel good about myself.
I just have some doubts that have crept in..
What would others do?

Proceed with great caution. ‘Scared to make things official’?
Sorry but that doesn’t sound good at all. It’s not the 1950s anymore.

I’d throw him back.

His reasons sound like excuses to me. Being separated and not divorced means he can’t commit to anyone else. Maybe that suits him. But it wouldn’t be what I was looking for. I’d also be concerned that a future with him would mean constantly having to bow to his ex’s wishes because he has no backbone.

H

@Rainbowqueeen the last bit of your comment is also part of my doubts.
Just feels like it'll never be a clean slate.

First bit is all fine, divorcing can take a while.

Somewhat concerned about the reluctance to actually get the divorce moving. And being scared to make the separation official is a step up from that - because of his wife does not think the separation is official, what the hell is going on?

He might have plenty of time when he can chat and meet, but if it's only been a few weeks and you have met none of his family and friends I would remain cautious.

He does not sound properly available.

I'm separated but not divorced and just met someone amazing.

I've already said that I'm happy to make it official and start a divorce - we separated in 2014 and the only reason we haven't divorced is we didn't need to - and we didn't have the money to
Do it . Now I'm seeing someone I have really deep feelings for , I've already discussed getting on with it however I have a good relationship with my ex and our children are adults .

Helpful replies from everyone. I'd add that if he's 'scared' to make it official out of fear of losing his daughter, and this is an actual possibility - and not a bs excuse - then consider the reality of dealing with his ex-wife should things develop between you. If things are 'amicable' between them AND it's truly over, he shouldn't have to sneak around.

I've been married for 20 years to a man I started dating when he was separated but not divorced, nor had started the process.

They were trying, reasonably successfully, to be amicable for the sake of the children.

Meeting me prompted him to move out (of the spare room) to a rented place, we then eventually moved in together.

I don't think it is necessarily sinister at all.

We both have a good relationship with DH's exW, it's always been very civilised.

Tell him that if he's serious about you then he needs to start divorce proceedings.

Give it 6 weeks.

Ask him if he's started them.

If he says "No" then split up.

If he says "Yes" and has started then be prepared for his ex to be anything from very easy to deal with to being completely difficult. Due to no fault divorce he has absolutely no excuse not to start proceedings, as while either party can drag out proceedings over finances they can't drag it out over the fact one wants to get divorced.

I'm speaking from my own experience and others I know.

It depends what sort of relationship you are looking for, if you’re after a long term, serious commitment then I would suggest that he isn’t. If you just want to date and have a boyfriend to do stuff with then it wouldn’t bother me. A lot of people separate and never get divorced (as I suspect will be the case here).

I separated over 4 years ago. Still not divorced. Got together with my OH over 3 years ago. He separated from his ex over 4 years ago. He’s not divorced either. For various reasons neither of us has managed to get divorced yet, but both working our way through the process. Personally it wasn’t a deal breaker for me.

Every situation is different, I wouldn’t have bothered about dating someone who was not fully divorced as long as the divorce process was already ongoing.

Dating someone who is still married and has no appetite for divorce would be an absolute no for me. He may not be in love with his ex but she is still taking precedence over his present and future.

It is also a bit tricky if things progress and you start building your future together, both from the financial and emotional aspects.

It is a bit like that episode in Friends when Phoebe dumps his boyfriend because he doesn’t want to get married again, not because she wants to get married (she doesn’t) but because she doesn’t want to be in a relationship where he has decided singlehandedly how far the relationship will go.

Is he actually willing to get a divorce though? Being essentially scared of his ex and feeling held to ransom over the possibility of her stopping contact with his child doesn't sound all that amicable to me, and I know from experience it can cause a lot of resentment, stress and heartache.
Or it could of course be an excuse because he doesn't really want to cut ties. I would tread very carefully.

I'd just date him and bear it in mind. My bf wasn't quite divorced when we met, though to be fair he'd started the process. He's going on holiday with his ex and their adult children this summer. I'd keep it quite light at the moment and just see how it goes.

He is still happy for her to call the shots or he is not so much into you to consider officially leaving her. Either way, it seems you will have a lot of drama and disappointments about this fif a long while unless you are happy for this to be a friends with benefits relationship only.

he's scared to make things official on the seperation front as he isn't sure how his wife will react and that he doesn't want to lose his daughter.

This sentence filled me with dread, he’s already got reservations on how his ex wife is going to react. If you want to build a life together and that means him getting divorced there is going to be a whole lot of upset coming your way.

If his wife and daughter do get upset (and it sounds pretty likely they will) you’re going to not only get caught up in that but likely find all the blame laid on you. I imagine you will be encouraged to side line yourself and your own feelings and desires for this relationship in favour of what his ex and child want.

I’d think carefully OP. I think the fact he hasn’t initiated divorce speaks volumes.

I think it's just that he is a coward. I told him this.. Just think if I want to date him then I've only got myself to blame if it goes wrong...so maybe I just am better off cutting it off now.

I get love bombing vibes here when you say he's smitten with you after 2 months and the high level of seeing him and communication. When does he see his child if he is seeing you so much? How old is his daughter? Where is he living now? Lots of questions to ask yourself rather than answer here. My exH dragged our divorced out for 6 years despite having 2 children with his new partner (now an ex) and he told everyone how it was me delaying things. There was no house to sell, no assets to divide, just a clean break. I think he was hedging his bets. Be cautious.

I’m separated but not divorced. I have zero feelings towards my husband and there is no way on earth I would get back together with him. Divorce is expensive even if we half it. I’ll get divorced when I can afford it. Doesn’t mean I harbour feelings for him or want to be with him.

Bin him off.

I wasted two years of my life on someone like this. He just doesn't want to be the one saying it's over to the wife.

Divorce, especially now, is NOT expensive.

Neither of them have started to date until he joined an app recently.
Why is he informing you about his wife's dating history?
Why is he linking is wife's dating activity to his own like this?
Not appropriate. Not ok.

He maintains an amicable relationship with his wife for their shared child's sake.
Big whoops.
Don't applaud a fish for swimming.

He literally spends every moment talking to me and I've been able to see him freely so I know he's definitely telling me the truth.
Every moment? RED FLAG.
You've known him 2 months & he expects to monopolising ALL your free time?

We spoke about things and he said basically he's scared to make things official on the seperation front as he isn't sure how his wife will react
It doesn't matter how his wife will react. Lawyers will handle it if she doesn't want to. They are separated - he wants a divorce.
Is he saying he's not sure if SHE wants a divorce? - RED FLAG.
Or is he - cluelessly - inadvertently letting the cat out of the bag that HE doesn;t really want to divorce?

and that he doesn't want to lose his daughter..
SNORTS OF DISBELIEF.
Why would he "lose" his daughter? He gets a lawyer, he negotiates access/RP/sharing/whatever, & he sorts it out, like a grown up.

I just mentioned we should take a day by day approach..
Of course you should. It's his wife, his kid, & his divorce. Or not.
he is just some guy you've dated for 2 months. he shouldn't be laying all this angst on you.
The fact he hasn't bothered/wanted a divorce for YEARS is NOT YOUR PROBLEM. He doesn't get to make it your problem just because he's got a new g/f & realises he now might want to deal with the unpleasant drudgery of sorting out a divorce after all.

Aside from this complication which he's been very honest about, he is so decent and kind and makes me feel good about myself.
Carry on as you are. Don't invest further emotionally until you have more of a measure of him. Enjoy the dating - shut him down if he thinks he can bleat to you about his wife.

I just have some doubts that have crept in..
What are these doubts, specifically?

What would others do?
Take your sensible day by day approach. And not be pushed into anything I was not ready for. And keep a sceptical eye on any signs of unhealthy enmeshment with his wife. And don't meet the kid til you've known him for a year. (if you last that long!)

Proceed with caution. He's probably just one of those "head in the sand" types. He doesn't want to rock the boat. He's happy with his life as it is. He is fearful of lighting the blue touch paper. I get it.

I'm in the process of divorcing my DH. We've been separated for 5 years (living apart). Been with my now DP for 2 years. Cannot live together though as his finances will be taken into account in financial settlement, so although we don't want to get married, me still being married does have an impact on our future plans. We want to move in together so now I'm sorting the divorce. If your current BF doesn't feel any "pain" or negative impact from still being married there'll be no incentive for him to start proceedings.

You say that you have only been seeing him a couple of months so this is not like the scenarios mentioned whereby people were serious about each other and the process started. Have you and he discussed a serious future?

The other thing that sticks out is I'll get over it pretty quickly. This suggests to me that you are not thinking about a future with him if he will be so easy to get over ? I agree that I would not like a situation where the divorce was not going ahead and that is your choice.

There’s loads of reasons people don’t get divorced straight away, and loads of reasons as to whether or not it’s acceptable in a new relationship. We waited two years because neither of us wanted to list the other’s unreasonable behaviour. It just felt kinder in the circumstances, but we moved on - him more than me.
If you are wanting to settle down, this is an issue, but I don’t think it’s a problem for fun and dating.
I do think ‘he spends every waking moment talking to me’ seems a bit intense for a few months in, but only you really know. And fears over losing the child.
Dating and fun, I’d roll with it, but if you want to get serious there are a few red flags to iron out.

What’s he so worried about if the relationship is amicable, would make me wonder if it actually is. Speaking from experience and those around me you don’t want to be in the middle of child custody and divorce proceedings. Not sure he’s being entirely honest with himself or you.

Jeeze. Run for hills!! This is an old story and I'm sure everyone women has heard this nonsense before.

RULE 1: If you are in a secret relationship you are NOT in a relationship. ANY man who loves a women won't keep her secret. Nothing else for you to know.

If he is really separated and not ready to show you... then he shouldn't be dating.
He should be thinking about his kids till he is a ready instead of stealing your time and love in the dark.

Just move on before you get attached. Plenty fish in the sea (especially this type). Some of these seperated men never intend to ever finalise the divorce for various reasons. ...don't be stuck with a married guy. Highly unattractive!