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Original poster

Ending a relationship with someone you love

65 replies

Or3ngina · 17/05/2022 06:26

I'm at a crossroads with dp. I adore him...he's just such a lovely man and my kids genuinely love him too. We've been together 4 years and my first relationship after my hideous divorce. It's taken all I had to get through that, then a year later I met him.

We live an hour apart. He has 2 kids. All of the kids are same age...late primary.

Basically he want us to live together and I don't want to right now. Well I do want to live with him but not at the expense of 1. Moving the kids from their friends and school 2. Away from my elderly and lovely parents 3. Away from a nice location 4. Away from the house I fought for so hard for.

And if I'm honest 5. With his more challenging kids, although that would be very part time.

The pressure he's putting me under to give him a time frame is getting too much. Realistically 10/12 years when kids have left secondary. This is too long for him. He wants me to say 2 or 3 years.

We get on so well, I love him. I never thought I'd meet anyone again and feel like this is my chance, but I want to put my kids first.

It doesn't help exh is happily living with OW and everyone involved in the hideous breakdown of my marriage seems to have settled into a seemingly better life.

Am I making the right choice in giving this relationship up ( I feel sick at the thought)? Has anyone else left a good relationship with someone they love?

OP posts:
TrufflesForBreakfast · 17/05/2022 06:29

Personally, op I think you are doing absolutely the right thing to question it. I'd like to think that I too would prioritise my dc in such a situation - IMO, not enough people do.

Do his dc live with him full time? What about your dc? Do they live with their father at all?

TrufflesForBreakfast · 17/05/2022 06:31

Oh sorry I've just seen that his kids are very part time. I had a feeling that might be the way - sorry op, but he just isn't in the same page is he? Why is it you that has to do the upheaval??

Original poster
Or3ngina · 17/05/2022 06:35

Our kids have same pattern. Mine are with me 70% of the time. His are with him 30%.

Think every other weekend and a couple of days on the alternating week.

I know. So hard. My kids will probably love to live with him but the disruption to their lives too much. Yes it's only a school change 30 mins away but they've already had to adapt to their dad's new life. I'm protective of them.

OP posts:
ShandaLear · 17/05/2022 06:35

Why do you have to move? It would make far more sense for him to move. You are absolutely right to put yourself and your kids first and even if it feels hard now, it will get easier. Is there a reason he’s pushing you for a timeframe?

Original poster
Or3ngina · 17/05/2022 06:36

@TrufflesForBreakfast I live in a v expensive area so a big house here would cost so much. His work is more location dependent. I could work from the moon. Also he doesn't want to be further from his kids!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Or3ngina · 17/05/2022 06:38

@ShandaLear he loves me and wants us to be together "properly". I'm more happy as it is. I do love him a lot but don't need to live with him for that. I have my kids around more so guess he feels an empty house more.

OP posts:
Overthewine · 17/05/2022 06:39

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Overthewine · 17/05/2022 06:41

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Original poster
Or3ngina · 17/05/2022 06:46

@Overthewine maybe an easier life. Financially he's very generous and earns well so wouldn't be too concerned on that front. He knows I'm very worried about losing my main asset (my house) so is even coming up with scenarios where I get to keep it and use the rent instead.

But pooling money with another man is not appealing after what I've been through.

OP posts:
TrufflesForBreakfast · 17/05/2022 06:49

If you do decide to go down this route, (and I really don't think you should), is there any chance of a compromise? Both of you keep your own properties and rent them out and use the money to then rent somewhere nearer to him, within the catchment of your dcs' schools?

Itstimetoquit · 17/05/2022 06:50

Do what's right for you and your kids x

stanfi · 17/05/2022 06:51

I wouldn't move I with him for all the reasons you give. Plus, how will his own kids feel if he is spending more time with your kids than his own.

Original poster
Or3ngina · 17/05/2022 06:55

@TrufflesForBreakfast possibly. We are within walking distance of school now which is nice. Will mean car journeys.

The whole thing isn't sitting well with me though. But I am worried I'm missing my chance. Some of the men mentioned on this site sound awful. But also conscious how annoyed I am by how well things have worked out for my exh living arrangements with ow is making me feel worse about failing a relationship.

OP posts:
Campervangirl · 17/05/2022 06:57

I feel you op, you've enough good reasons not to move in with him.
Sadly, love doesn't conquer all.
Do you have to split up, can you not discuss your reasons with him leaving out mentioning his challenging dc and carry on as you are?
Also, just touching on his challenging dc, what happens if you move in with him and he decides he wants to have his dc more often, it happens, read other posts on here where the female partner becomes the new babysitter.
I wouldn't give up my independent life, I think you're making the right decision to hold off 💐

Original poster
Or3ngina · 17/05/2022 06:57

@stanfi his own kids were thrown into a new family life very quickly. His exw moved in with om and his 2 kids almost immediately. This doesn't help as I guess dp is seeing everyone settled (although I think this was terrible for his kids)

OP posts:
Original poster
Or3ngina · 17/05/2022 06:59

@Campervangirl we have a great relationship in my book. When we are child free we have a lot of fun! He's just absolutely fixated with this moving in so not sure I can negotiate otherwise and us still be together sadly. (Ouch)

OP posts:
SoggyPaper · 17/05/2022 07:00

Don’t do it. It won’t end well.

He doesn’t want to move further away from his kids, but expects you to commit to moving your children away from their father, and having to change school.

That same logic that you and your kids should sacrifice for him and his kids will play out in all sorts of ways.

You also say his children are ‘more challenging’. That’s a potential stepfamily red flag, honestly. Every other weekend and a couple of nights in the other week is actually quite a lot of time for you (and your children) to spend with children who are challenging. It grinds you all down.

Then there’s the question of why they are more challenging. To what extent is that a result of his parenting choices? How would that feel to live with? How would you feel about a disparity in approaches to each other’s kids?

Weatherwax13 · 17/05/2022 07:03

I think you're really sensible to preserve the life that suits you after having such a tough time. You have strong boundaries. Good for you love.
It's hard and I don't underestimate how sad you're feeling, but if your partner can't understand your position and drop this topic, perhaps he isn't the right person for you anyway.
He's twisting your arm now despite your clearly explained reservations and that would make me wary.

SoggyPaper · 17/05/2022 07:03

Also, bear in mind that if you align the weekends with the kids (to get child free weekends) that means all their weekends with you are also with your partner and his children.

TrufflesForBreakfast · 17/05/2022 07:04

Op I think you're feeling pressurised into a societal narrative that suggests happiness lies only in settling down and forming a family. Not helped I guess by each of you having feelings of resentment towards your exes and a desire to 'compete' and 'get back' at them. Please, please don't feel pressurised - neither of these reasons are good enough for you to throw your amazing life away for.

If your dp is also pressurising you, (and it sounds as if he is by setting deadlines in fact. everything you say smacks of feeling pressurised) then seriously I would rather be single and happy. You really do not need to conform to this utterly false narrative - please give your head a wobble. You've done so brilliantly so far!

Lalliella · 17/05/2022 07:05

You're a fantastic mum to put your kids first. Many parents don't and it often doesn't work out great for the kids. It's not their fault they're in this position, as a parent your main job is to make them as happy as you can. Tell him it's a definite no until they've left school. Then he can make the choice of what to do.

spotcheck · 17/05/2022 07:06

OP
Stop comparing yourself to other people. The label you put on their situation is 'settled' - my label would be ' selfish immature adults who didn't put their children first'.

You do not have to sacrifice your children's security for anyone. Ever. You don't know what the future brings, you may want to revisit the idea in a few years, but you don't have to be pushed into anything before you are ready

Original poster
Or3ngina · 17/05/2022 07:06

@SoggyPaper I would be concerned about this 100%. I get overwhelmed by noisy children very quickly. He thinks I'd be a great influence on his children (eyeroll) as I've been very consistent with discipline with mine, resulting in two, never always perfect, but rather easy children. Of course he loves being around mine.

I think he should have been firmer with involvement with discipline of his own kids, that's on him, and he doesn't like the results of leaving it to their mum who has over indulged them and been quite relaxed on discipline.

OP posts:
Keepingthingsinteresting · 17/05/2022 07:10

You’re doing the right thing OP, though it sucks you have to be the grown up. Frankly the fact that he’s applying any pressure at all beyond “ I’d
love us to live together, how can we make this work? is a bit of a red flag. It makes so much more sense for him to move in with you, but that would be inconvenient so he expects you all to uproot…not a great start. Be kind to yourself, it will be sad but you’re putting your kids first (which lots of others don’t so be proud.

LongDistanceLife · 17/05/2022 07:11

It’s great that you are aware of your needs after being through so much and that your boundaries are firm.

It doesn’t make him wrong for wanting to share his life with you completely and having a strong idea that it would make him happy. His firm boundary that he doesn’t want to live like this for 10 more years is also not wrong.

It’s not really fair that some are saying his not listening to you, twisting your arm, etc. It sounds as though you are both setting your boundaries and they are sadly incompatible.

You can be two wonderful people who love each other dearly and are not compatible.