Ending a relationship with someone you love

[Or3ngina]

I'm at a crossroads with dp. I adore him...he's just such a lovely man and my kids genuinely love him too. We've been together 4 years and my first relationship after my hideous divorce. It's taken all I had to get through that, then a year later I met him.

We live an hour apart. He has 2 kids. All of the kids are same age...late primary.

Basically he want us to live together and I don't want to right now. Well I do want to live with him but not at the expense of 1. Moving the kids from their friends and school 2. Away from my elderly and lovely parents 3. Away from a nice location 4. Away from the house I fought for so hard for.

And if I'm honest 5. With his more challenging kids, although that would be very part time.

The pressure he's putting me under to give him a time frame is getting too much. Realistically 10/12 years when kids have left secondary. This is too long for him. He wants me to say 2 or 3 years.

We get on so well, I love him. I never thought I'd meet anyone again and feel like this is my chance, but I want to put my kids first.

It doesn't help exh is happily living with OW and everyone involved in the hideous breakdown of my marriage seems to have settled into a seemingly better life.

Am I making the right choice in giving this relationship up ( I feel sick at the thought)? Has anyone else left a good relationship with someone they love?

1. Do not move your children for a man, ever.

2. I'd also be very wary of a man who was putting so much pressure on when he says he loves you. I would suspect ulterior motives in finances or wanting an easier life for himself.

3. ...But pooling money with another man is not appealing after what I've been through.

There - those quotes sum it up succinctly. If he loves you as much as you love him, he WILL wait until you are ready.

Plus what @SoggyPaper and @RoseLunarPink said...

He thinks I'd be a great influence on his children"

Whoa ! (This made a pp shudder, me too)

and:

Seems to me he has much more to gain by you moving in - a good disciplinarian who can parent his kids for him, presumably he'll expect you to take over housework. He doesn't have to change anything, but will reap many rewards.
You will have to move house, change schools, take on his disruptive kids, take on his house and house work shit, live further from your parents.

and

He wants to live with you so you can reparent his kids!!

Your relationship as it stands will end if you move in together. The fun will go right out of it. You may well see another side to him as well. Right now you have a relationship. You will shift that into a family setting which begins a whole new ball game.

Him pressuring you to move in because it suits his convenience is a huge red flag. What else will he pressure you about when you've already said no ?

It's easy for me to say never mind your exh and the circumstances of his life because it's not my pain. Imagine you have fast forwarded 30 years. Who will have a good relationship with the now adult children and might have grandchildren to look forward to ? Stay where you are and concentrate on what you know is important.

So many good posts on here. I really feel for you OP and only wanted to say you wouldn’t be the one ending the relationship. You’re happy with the status quo. He’s not willing to compromise or do the right thing by all of you and if he’s going to end the relationship because you won’t do what he demands or commit to a timeframe he instants on then while there might be love between you it’s not enough.

Hey OP. I had something similar happen to me. I met DP 2 years after an awful divorce. Like you I fought hard to keep the house (bought the ex out) because I wanted that stability for my girls (they are slightly older than yours but not much). Lockdown hit and he moved in with me as he had been renting and it would of been crap to have to not be able to see each other due to the restrictions.

After lockdown ended he did start pushing to stay, the conversations were getting quite heated about it. In the end I told him very clearly the 2 reasons why I didn't want this - 1) the kids deserved to have free time with just me and no matter how lovely my DP is, they don't have that if he's living here full time 2) I love having my own place that I worked so hard to get and the time we do spend together kid free is ace too! Why would I want to change that? I posted a thread about it at the time.

Now we are down the line and we have agreed (after lots of talking) that what we have now is great and we do have plans to live together once the kids have left home (about the same amount of time as yours will). But right now our relationship is working, I miss him when he isn't here but that keeps our relationship fresh and exciting... we plan time together, do stuff that we both enjoy and also spend quality time with our kids independently.

You don't have to break up with him. You can sit down together and very openly state that you have your plan. State it in a way that he knows you are not willing to debate this anymore, this is your decision.

And then give him the space to decide if that is something he can understand and agree to. I don't think you need to end it because of this issue just yet.

You are absolutely 100% doing the right thing, OP. Stay where you are.

But why do you think that means you ending the relationship? You are the person who is happy with the current position, he is the one pushing for change. So tell him you won’t be moving for the foreseeable future and put the ball in his court. My bet is that he won’t want to end it.

If you feel this much pressure now, outside of living with him, know it would be mostly his way when actually living with him.

Prioritise yourself and your children OP.

You know the real answer but don't want to deal with it. Why?
He's onto a meal ticket. He wants this. Why are the kids difficult? Why doesn't he step up and parent them properly?

He thinks you'll be a good influence... ie you'll take on more responsibility for his kids...

It doesn't sound like you want to live with him for the foreseeable future so don't.

You sound so sensible OP and like a very responsible person.

To @Lalliella and everyone remarking on putting the children first is the right thing - honestly giving me the strength to see my stance on this is right. In my gut I know it too. And you know what, that comparison with my ex - you're right.

I honestly don't think he's one of these that wants a move in housemaid - he's very practical and pulls his weight. He even does so much around my own house without asking/question - always has, even in his previous marriage.

I think he just can't see beyond "We aren't together unless we're together" in a traditional set up. And he is being unrealistic in what that means too - out with the fun, in with the domestic, in with the disruption and complexity of blended family life. I'm not even sure he fully understands the sacrifies on my behalf I'd be making. It will change our dymanic and personally, what we have now I think is fun. Just involves a car journey or two every week.

It'll be really interesting to see if, well when, because I think it's soon, push comes to shove, if he does decide this is a dealbreaker. It feels as if it is :(

I think you are doing the right thing and that exactly what I would do. If he loves you then he will except that things can’t change for a while, you can live apart and still have a good relationship. I would always put my dc first, this is one of the reasons I have been single for a loooong time, they are now getting to a age where I could consider making big changes without it effecting them too much though I’m still unsure if I would want to live with anyone again.

@Or3ngina

I'm not even sure he fully understands the sacrifies on my behalf I'd be making.

I've read so many threads, OP, especially on the Step Parenting board, where this is the case with both the male and female in the relationship - but especially the woman, who is usually left with the worse part of the deal.

Thank goodness you can see some of the pitfalls clearly involved before making such a huge commitment for yourself and, particularly, your children. 🌹

It will be sad if he decides it's a deal breaker.

He isn't prepared to move away from his DC, and it would be absolutely unreasonable for him to expect your DC to move away from, school, friends and their Dad for him.

Just reiterate the DC needs come first until they are adults, it's not forever.

Yes @Newestname002 the step parenting boards have been worth reading!