Ending a relationship with someone you love

[Or3ngina]

I'm at a crossroads with dp. I adore him...he's just such a lovely man and my kids genuinely love him too. We've been together 4 years and my first relationship after my hideous divorce. It's taken all I had to get through that, then a year later I met him.

We live an hour apart. He has 2 kids. All of the kids are same age...late primary.

Basically he want us to live together and I don't want to right now. Well I do want to live with him but not at the expense of 1. Moving the kids from their friends and school 2. Away from my elderly and lovely parents 3. Away from a nice location 4. Away from the house I fought for so hard for.

And if I'm honest 5. With his more challenging kids, although that would be very part time.

The pressure he's putting me under to give him a time frame is getting too much. Realistically 10/12 years when kids have left secondary. This is too long for him. He wants me to say 2 or 3 years.

We get on so well, I love him. I never thought I'd meet anyone again and feel like this is my chance, but I want to put my kids first.

It doesn't help exh is happily living with OW and everyone involved in the hideous breakdown of my marriage seems to have settled into a seemingly better life.

Am I making the right choice in giving this relationship up ( I feel sick at the thought)? Has anyone else left a good relationship with someone they love?

He’s

Unless he actually is putting pressure on you in an unkind way, then that is a red flag!

@Weatherwax13 thank you. I know what's right. But I feel sick to my stomach at ending it, I really do. I know it's going to hit me like a ton of bricks.

@SoggyPaper yes. At the moment we can choose to all be together and it's fun when we are. But all the time, and you're right the weekends will be, would be too much for me and ultimately not the best fir my kids.

@TrufflesForBreakfast very good advice. Yes to society "norms". Its ingrained in us. I've seen the light to an alternative relationship. Sadly in this case, it suits me more.

@Or3ngina if I can give you a perspective from the other side... I'm in a similar situation to your partner in that my work is location specific and there's a big gap between my home and DH. DH has two children, I have none. I would love nothing more than to live with my DH but there's absolutely no way I would ask him to move in with me and sacrifice his children's settled and happy lifestyle. I just wouldn't dream of doing that. So we live apart together, keep two homes and regularly have 2-3 nights apart in the week. And it will be that way until youngest Dsd is an adult.

I'd be really wary about someone who is asking you to massively disrupt your children's lives for what he wants. It just smacks of him not understanding the importance of your children's happiness.

Op I could have written your post. But I did move in with him and his two children who he has shared custody of.
18 months later, we now live apart- and my children have been through another upheaval.
Like your situation, we have totally different parenting styles which ultimately led me to moving out.

My ex is still with ow 7 years later, lovely house, brand new cars, soon to be married- that hurts when I feel I've taken another step back.

Follow your instinct, put your children first, there will be other relationships that feel right.

I think you're doing the right thing OP- your kids should come first always. However, I do wonder if a compromise could be sought- could he stay with you when he hasn't got his kids maybe and then return to his own home when they are there? That way, the kids don't need to move and no one needs to buy or sell a house.

"He thinks I'd be a great influence on his children". This made me shudder. I'm sure your DP is lovely, but I really think you are right to feel the way you do. You fought for what you have, don't give it up too quickly. You get to call the shots here and I really think you're right to not want to uproot your kids. What if his kids have a negative effect on yours? the time frame you have given him (10-12 years) is fair. It makes it clear your kids are your number 1 priority and if he can't understand and won't respect that, as lovely as he might be, he isn't the guy for you. The way I see it, if he wants to be with you he accepts you won't live together for a while. Otherwise, maybe he's just helped you both realise you want different things

That is an enormous red family red flag right there. in several ways:

He’s left all the parenting up to his ex. That tells you something very important about how he sees his role.

He blames the children’s behaviour on his ex and her rubbish parenting. Their behaviour when they’re with him is not something he sees as his responsibility to fix.

There is a big cultural difference between your household and his ex’s. Different norms, rules and expectations. That will be hard to live with. How will it be for you and your children to live with constant double standards?

He’s already showing you that it’s you and your kids that should make the compromises. If something has to give, it wont be him or his kids, will it?

He thinks you’ll be ‘a good influence’ will look very much like you doing his parenting for him. Except that you’ll be doing it without any authority. And a stepparent trying to sort out SC’s challenging behaviour is very easily scapegoated and turned into the evil SM (with poor kind dad a victim of this too).

Keep your nice, calm home with your children.

This is one of the pitfalls of having a relationship where there is any distance. You have to be up-front from the outset as to where your future plans sit.

When I got together with my DP I was very specific that me moving away from here while DS was still at school was not on the cards due to me wanting to ensure he continued to have a relationship with eXH. if things worked out that DP could get a job here then he could have moved here but he always knew that me moving wasn’t an option.

For various reasons he hasn’t been able to move here, but we always knew what the score was.

We’ve been together for 9 years now and it’s worked well.

But these kinds of situations are either make or break If he’s not prepared to wait then he’s not the man for you. Given you see each other regularly this isn’t a case of a long distance relationship where contact is minimal and so living together is necessary to be able to maintain the relationship. I see my dp every weekend and during the week he’s at work and I have my own space here. It’s not dissimilar to having a partner who works away from home during the week.

If he’d ever pushed for me to move then I would have called it quits.

@isquashedthedog I'm really disappointed in myself for admitting this but seeing my ex thrive so well in his life (new cars and big house too) is galling to see, especially if I've "failed". I can just hear him chuckling now.

I'm sorry it didn't work out for you. That must be so hard to have gone through yet more upheaval. Thank you for sharing your experience though...one I'm very worried about.

As I thought, from your update it is clear. He doesn't want you to move in, he wants a wife to move in.

Even if you live with him you can't discipline his children, that will be his job, and even then if they are with their mum most of the time there will be little he can do. The reality of living together when you both have children is not fun, it's all the boring housework/homework/life admin.

I'm thinking 30 minutes away is not a reason why He cant move to be near You
The only compromise in my mind, is for you to move somewhere rented half way in his direction, your kids stay in the same school.
Seems like he wants you to make all the compromises
Surely the one sidedness, & pressure being exercised show he is not all gold ?
By the way, your XH status is really not a reason to hitch up urgently with this man.

This is one of those times that you need to follow your gut.
Stay put op.

Don't do it.

You only have to read the numerous threads on here on the difficulties that arise in blended families. And very unfair of him to put so much pressure on you to move in together ... why is he so insistent? Does he just want the 'convenience' of a live in partner? Surely the romantic idea of 'setting up a home with someone you love' is long passed?

He wants to live with you so you can reparent his kids!!
I cannot understand why he's putting so much pressure on you. There is no reason why couples have to live together. I'm engaged and we still soend 2 nights a week apart including the time he has his kids. We have no plans to change that until the kids are all a lot older.

Wish more people would be like you OP
not enough people prioritise their kids over relationships

@AbsolutelyLoveIy yup because it's really hard!!! I know I'm facing (another) really painful breakup. But I don't want my kids to look back and say I didn't put them first. Their dad had absolutely no trouble doing this and to be fair, he's got what he wanted. But I'd be surprised if the kids when their older didn't question him about his choices.

YANBU

Seems to me he has much more to gain by you moving in - a good disciplinarian who can parent his kids for him, presumably he'll expect you to take over housework. He doesn't have to change anything, but will reap many rewards.

You will have to move house, change schools, take on his disruptive kids, take on his house and house work shit, live further from your parents.

In no way does this seem like a good idea. Personally I think waiting 10 to 12 years is very reasonable. No way would I be disrupting the kids and moving to his. No way.

Trust your gut.

Yeah, it's just one of those things. It's a shame. I think you are right to protect what you have worked so hard for and to prioritise your stable life for your children. You could always do what men do and nod noncommittally about moving in three years time and string it out for a decade

Agree with everyone else OP don't move the kids. What does 'more location- specific' mean? He just sounds a bit lazy. If he has his kids so much less,it's obvious he should be the one moving.

But as for the other issue, which is you comparing yourself with your ex- please, please make sure you're not led by this motivation. My mum was in a similar situation, and it stinks.

But years later, I think my mother was great for, you know, showing up and taking care of us, and the fact that my dad married the OW and had another child does not in any way raise my opinion of him. To the contrary, as he made a mess of parenting that one, too.

Ignore him (the ex). Sod him. Success shmuccess. Not a reason to do anything. Hold your head high, you're the one who is doing what you committed to when you had those kids, I.e. taking care of them.

Another saying you are absolutely right not to do this OP. So many powerful reasons to stay where you are - and it’s not just that it would be an upheaval for your kids, but it would show them they are not your priority, which at this age, for me, they should be. I don’t mean that in a martyrish way, but it’s not just the move, it would mean sharing their home and space with this man and his kids which is a huge change. Even if they liked the idea, it could easily turn difficult and stressful.

After my Break-up my ex got a new GF pretty quickly and while she was perfectly nice thank goodness, my dC were rattled and pleaded with me not to have a man move into our home. Which I think makes total sense. As it happens I don’t think I want to live with a man again anyway, but even if I did I’d wait until the kids were grown up.

I think if this man is the man for you, loves and respects you, he’d respect your choice and not live together until such time as it works for you both. If you lose him over this, of course that will be hard but also tells you what really matters to him. You are not “missing your chance” of anything except appearing to be keeping up with your ex, and I understand that feeling (honestly I do) but if what it would actually mean is losing so much about your life now and its many positives for you and your DC, would it really make you happy?

If you really want to compare yourself with your ex, do it on the only thing that matters - who is the better parent? And that’s you OP, by 1,000 miles! You win! None of the rest of the stuff matters. What matters is the happy and secure life you’re giving your children, full credit to you OP.

Your partner can see this in you and wants it for his own kids. But that absolutely shouldn’t be your role. Your kids need to come first, to you. Don’t move!

I'm in a similar boat OP but while DP and I are living in less-than-ideal circumstances, our kids aren't paying any toll for us to be together. That said, DP is paying a higher price than I am.

There are 40 miles (just less than an hour) between our homes; he owns his, and I rent. He has DD8, I have DS12. He works away ~90% of the week. We desperately want to live together, and when it's us and the kids it's pretty great. However. I was clear from the point at which it became obvious our relationship was looking long-term, that I wouldn't be in a position to move away from where I currently live anytime soon. When DS was 1yo I moved us 30 miles away from his dad and my family, for a better life. I did/do my best to facilitate his relationship with everyone back home but he still felt the distance keenly and I have some guilt (that said, I would still make the same decision if I had to do it over). I wouldn't move him further away (DP's house is in the opposite direction) without him being FULLY on board. Also, he's almost at the end of Y7 and has settled well; I won't take the risk of disrupting his school life.

DP wants to see his DD as often as possible; the arrangement he's had with his ex is as close to 50% as his job will allow. What that looks like for us is when he doesn't have DD he lives here when not at work; when he does have her, he lives at his house. It's a very unsettled life for him and he's greying rapidly as a result, but it's all we can manage for the foreseeable. And we're happy, despite the sacrifices we're making.

I suppose parity in sacrifice is the crux of the matter from my perspective. A PP mentioned you both have strong boundaries and are asserting them which I broadly agree with, however, any pressure from him for you to give way on yours is just not tennis.

Why do you have to split up?
You don't want to move to his area, for very good reasons. If he wants to live with you, he needs to compromise. So he could move to your area and commute. Otherwise it stays as it is.
If he ends it, that's his choice and tells you a lot about his priorities.

No helpful advice but what a great Mum you are! Putting your children's needs first & there’s plenty that don’t! I would be exactly the same in your position & you’re absolutely doing the right & best thing for your children.

He wants a convenient cook/nanny/housekeeper. And you are being groomed for the role.
30 minutes is nothing for a commute. He could stay at yours when he doesn’t have his kids, and host them alone at his when he does. But he is pressurising you and your own DC to make huge sacrifices.
Ask yourself why his previous marriage broke up - I expect his ex wife could give you an interesting perspective.