What actually is controlling behaviour?

[Cleanbedlinen12]

I mean the insidious subtle stuff. How do you know if it’s controlling or just daft?
for example dd very nearly missed her exam, she’s dyslexic, and Dh just wouldn’t let it go. I’d told her,’well done, you still went and you rocked it’ because she was being really hard on herself. Dh kept saying,’well how late were you. Why were you late, I don’t understand how you can be late’ on and on. I said, ‘ no need to do the Spanish Inquisition! It doesn’t matter!The good thing is she went and didn’t bottle out’ he said,’it matters to me’.
I DuPont understand why it matters to him. Also neither of us wanted to say really - she was an hour late and the very amazing school were so supportive.

i also feel everything I want to do is met with a ‘ don’t do that’ or ‘no’ it’s automatic.

we have a holiday actually booked to actually see my mum. This hasn’t happened in years.. he doesn’t like using his holiday to visit my mum. This year she is now in a home and much to my suprise he suggested going. He even made it a thing when his sister wanted to share a holiday, that we have to go there ( tho that may be a power thing with his sister) but now he is saying,you’d better have a job by then or we won’t be going’ in front of son. I am looking for work.

he does get really exhausted at work and stressed

You seem to be taking it very lightly that your DD was an hour late for her exam, that's quite late, do you take her, get her up to go etc? Hard to tell by what you've said if he is controlling.

Yes, good! Maybe he’s just grumpy and tired.
I didn’t get cross because by the time I found out it was more important to get her into a positive mindset - she already felt stupid, and has a lot to deal with as she can’t read very well. I’d given her a calendar and wrote the exams on it..stupidly it’s was a calendar where ‘Sunday’ was the first day of the week. I’m an idiot.

The thing with visiting your Mum is major game playing and nasty.

His attitude towards your DD is awful to.

I suspect these are tip of the iceberg incidents.

I don't think that was controlling.

Controlling behaviour is putting your feelings about a situation on someone else and making them feel bad for your feelings about what they're doing. That's not to say anyone can hurt or abuse you.

Example could be - two people are out on a date and one of them eyes up (not crudely) another. One person might control the other with physical intimation/threats of anger. Or if the roles were reversed it could be tears or pretending to have a headache. When really we all glance at others from time to time and it's the persons insecurity about themselves that is controlling the situation.

Controlling means they are ensuring they get their way about many things. By hook or crook.

More explanations on the Women's Aid website.

The example of constantly interrogating your DD is more domineering than controlling. The stuff about the holidays is more controlling. None of its very nice though, regardless of how exactly it's described.

So you had written the wrong day in the calendar? So why didn't you just say that to him? If my DC was late to an exam I'd be annoyed with them too and asking them why. Seems unfair that you've not been honest and let him admonish your DC knowing it was your admin error?

Thanks random. It’s been slowly dawning on me that it’s not nice re the holidays. He was all for it, now it’s booked it feels like he can use it against me. though I can obviously see I need work, I don’t need telling every day, surprisingly.
I didn’t like dd being talked to like that either. He has done it to me and it makes me feel quite nervous like I am being interrogated by someone who is puzzling it out in a bad detective show!
I guess I’m wondering how you recognise controlling behaviour. I don’t no if I’m being over sensitive or under sensitive.
I don’t like it when he rolls his eyes at me, it makes me feel slighted for example.

Hi barkingdog I wrote the right day, dd had read ‘ Sunday’ as ‘Monday’ as it was the first day of the week on this particular calendar. I didn’t let him admonish her and made sure he knew she’d done well. I rightly, or wrongly didn’t want him to come in late to the event which had been sorted and start being strict. She had to go and revise, for tomorrow not waste the evening getting upset .

I don't quite get how it slipped by you that she had an exam. How old is your DD? Given that she has difficulties, do you not take it upon yourself to know when exams are and ensure she gets there on time? You seem to leave a lot to her but it's hard to know what age appropriate support would be without knowing her age, are we talking GCSE's or internal school exams? Sounds like he's worried about finances, also hard to know if he is being reasonable about you working without knowing how comfortable or not you are and how old/ how many DC you have. Might help to expand a bit to get a fuller picture.

People who aren't being controlled wouldn't normally even have this question, would they?

The holiday part is definitely controlling. He's making you jump through hoops to attain something. You're an adult and he's treating you like a small child, saying you can only have this treat if you meet the conditions he sets. There's the control. He's trying to dictate to you.

He does sound domineering and controlling. The holiday was just to get one over on his sister.
I think you handled the exam situation well, no point adding fuel to the fire. You need to keep standing up to him and listening to your gut. If you need to ask if it's controlling then it probably is. Perhaps once you find work, you'll feel more independent of him.
He sounds like a real joy-sucker.

What's his line of work? Many DHs have demanding jobs and whilst they may have an off day they are generally decent people.

Seriously? That’s a silly benchmark and completely untrue.

@LateAF if the woman is asking it in relation to her partner, it does tend to be the case, yes.

Controlling behaviour is primarily about attempting to take away someone's power to make choices on their own behalf by using threats, intimidation, belittlement or criticism, coercion and/or guilt-tripping.

So it might sound like saying to a partner (or other adult)

"I don't want you to stay out later than midnight as I'll be too worried about you and won't be able to sleep."
"I don't want you to wear that dress because I don't like the way other men look at you when you wear it" or "You're not really going to wear that, are you? It makes you look like a slut. I'd be embarrassed to be seen with you."
"No, I won't drop this conversation just because you're tired. We're going to stay up and discuss it until we come to an agreement."
"I don't need to tell you how much I earn. I put enough in the bank account to pay our bills so that's all you need to know."
"I'm not going to the beach, I hate the beach. And you're not going without me. We need to spend our time together as a family."
"Okay, so you and the kids will be tired if we go to the races all day but I want to go so why can't you suck it up for me? Don't you love me?"
"I'm not having meat cooked in my house."
"Are you sure you need a second helping of that?"
"Your friend Kate has flaked on you twice this year. Do you really need someone like that in your life? I've never really liked her. If you invite her over to the house, I don't think I'll have much nice to say to her."
"I told you to pick up some milk on the way home and I don't care that you had to work late. I need it for my coffee tomorrow, so go out and get it. It's your fault you forgot."
"What do you need a new pair of jeans for? If you lost some weight your old ones would fit."

Your husband's behaviour is definitely controlling.

I should also add that a key tactic of controlling people is telling you that you're controlling every time you express a personal preference or a reasonable objection or request! So for comparison, the following are NOT controlling:

"I don't feel like pizza tonight, can we get something else?"
"I don't think you should book another snowboarding holiday with the boys because I haven't had a holiday with my friends in the last three years, and we actually don't have enough money in the holiday fund to cover another expensive snowboarding trip."
"I don't want to go visit your mother this weekend, I'm tired and need some time at home."
"I don't want to just pick the meat out of a dish, I'd rather we had a separate vegetarian dish for me."
"It's important for me to resolve this conversation, so if you're too tired to do it now, can you give me a time when you're prepared to continue it?"

@CheekyHobson great examples!

Those are great examples @CheekyHobson

Gosh, they are great examples, thank you for taking the time to write that out. More than a few are ringing a bell.
now I understand why he’d insist on coming to the beach - then say he hated it, we had to go somewhere else. ‘ wher?’ ‘ I don’t know, but not the beach ‘
this sort of thing, it’s exhausting and I didn’t know why.
ditto, I tried on a jacket and he insisted he bought it. I didn’t want it - and if I was going to be treated to a jacket, I would like to look at a few. He insisted on buying it even though I asked him not to, and I didn’t understand why this made me upset, which of course made me more upset, and feel like a failure. I’d been bought a jacket, right? Why wasn’t I pleased?
today it was something he’d left to me to do- then of course said I’d done it wrong.
but also today..my mood is hugely improved! Knowing what is going on from this thread is massively important - I’m feeling as if a lot of weight has been lifted. I don’t feel so useless - I’ve been spiralling down and not known why. I also have managed to do some scary stuff on my own, who’d a thunk it.
thank you so, so much.
of course, the next question is what to do with this knowledge?

I found this, if it’s helpful to anyone. www.healthline.com/health/controlling-people
The problem I had/ have, is that it can be so subtle that I’m not even sure it is controlling- or if I’m being silly - though that’s changing thanks to you all.
. A lot of articles seem to thrive on the more extreme behaviours, which doesn’t apply.

What do you with this knowledge?

Don't tell DH, confide in very good friends that will support. Get your ducks in a row very quietly because it's likely if you push back it will escalate and you will have to divorce to save your sanity.

You normally feel like you're walking on eggshells and modifying your behaviour in some way to please a controlling person, because you know it will cause them some kind of upset, be that in the form of a huge guilt trip, an angry outburst, or a torrent of verbal abuse or criticism.

Instead of trying to analyse his behaviour, maybe consider how your husband makes you feel. Do you feel on edge and uncomfortable around him, are you changing your behaviour to keep the peace.
Controlling people l will always confuse you with reasons for their unreasonable behaviour, it will all be your fault in some way, sometimes it's best to just consider how does this person make me feel.