What actually is controlling behaviour?

[Cleanbedlinen12]

I mean the insidious subtle stuff. How do you know if it’s controlling or just daft?
for example dd very nearly missed her exam, she’s dyslexic, and Dh just wouldn’t let it go. I’d told her,’well done, you still went and you rocked it’ because she was being really hard on herself. Dh kept saying,’well how late were you. Why were you late, I don’t understand how you can be late’ on and on. I said, ‘ no need to do the Spanish Inquisition! It doesn’t matter!The good thing is she went and didn’t bottle out’ he said,’it matters to me’.
I DuPont understand why it matters to him. Also neither of us wanted to say really - she was an hour late and the very amazing school were so supportive.

i also feel everything I want to do is met with a ‘ don’t do that’ or ‘no’ it’s automatic.

we have a holiday actually booked to actually see my mum. This hasn’t happened in years.. he doesn’t like using his holiday to visit my mum. This year she is now in a home and much to my suprise he suggested going. He even made it a thing when his sister wanted to share a holiday, that we have to go there ( tho that may be a power thing with his sister) but now he is saying,you’d better have a job by then or we won’t be going’ in front of son. I am looking for work.

he does get really exhausted at work and stressed

Glad it's helpful, but sorry that it is IYSWIM, OP.

Look at women's aid website, contact them maybe. Or supportive friends/family. Plan to get out while you can. Do not tell him you are thinking this way. He'll love bomb you probably, or possibly get nasty.

Ok, that’s a lot to get my head round.
you are right, I do waste time trying to work it out and it is a much better idea to work me out!
im now on wiki how they seem to have some clear information.
I am not sure what I would say to woman’s aid.

When a partner constantly chips away at you for anything and everything and rolls their eyes I think it is a form of control to make you think you can't do anything on your own and need them for support.
It's shitty and horrible.
This was why I had a stammer as a child and still do now in uncomfortable situations

He's a domineering twat, & the mum/holiday threat is a classic example of coercive control. Also manipulation.

I said, ‘ no need to do the Spanish Inquisition! It doesn’t matter!The good thing is she went and didn’t bottle out’ he said,’it matters to me’.
It's worrying that he is unable to make allowances for DD's dyslexia, & chose to use interrogation as a tool to make her feel bad about herself.

I DuPont understand why it matters to him.
It's ... scary that it matters to him. It wasn't his exam. It's not his dyslexia.
Of course, the cock-up "matters" to an extent, but instead of perceiving hopw brilliantly you & DD handled it, he decided to go off on one. Instead of congratulating DD for managing herself well in a very stressful situation, he decided to make it All About Him.
Most people get over this egocentricity by the age of 7.
Those that do not, or cannot, are often people who have, or go on to develop, personality disorders.
This is a posh way of saying he's a selfish bellend btw - but here's the science behind "object permanence" - www.simplypsychology.org/preoperational.html
www.simplypsychology.org/Object-Permanence.html

btw - I love how you used humour & positivity to manage that nasty little situation with him. You sound like a lovely mum.
How much of your mum-time, & time to yourself, is being negatively impacted by his carping, nit-picking, & dominance displays?

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/

It slipped past her husband as well @Opentooffers

Or do you not count him as a parent?

He sounds so nasty and belittling.

Your poor children growing up around that.

Getting back to work should be your priority AND calling Women's aid for support.

Do it for your children, if not yourself.

He's a bully. Constantly going on and on about things to make sure your nose is really rubbed in every little mistake. Is your daughter's anxiety caused by living with a toxic, overbearing bully?

You'd just tell women's aid what you told us OP.

They don't push you into any particular course of action, but will suggest various options and point you to resources to help you. Or just let you talk.

ditto, I tried on a jacket and he insisted he bought it. I didn’t want it - and if I was going to be treated to a jacket, I would like to look at a few. He insisted on buying it even though I asked him not to, and I didn’t understand why this made me upset, which of course made me more upset, and feel like a failure. I’d been bought a jacket, right? Why wasn’t I pleased?
Cleanbed - ignore the PP who are knee-jerk defending your H, it's possible they have no knowledge about coercive control, or how to spot the 'script' & patterns of domestic abuse.
The above example is ... suffocating.
He really goes out of his way to put you in the wrong, doesn't he?

of course, the next question is what to do with this knowledge?
😂😂😂😂😂
DON'T MAKE ME SAY IT!! 😇

Why do you feel like an idiot? Does your husband tell you that you are?

I am not sure what I would say to woman’s aid.

"I think I'm living with The Dominator & I am concerned about the impact on my children. I think my H is coercively controlling - please advise & reassure me? & help me explore my options to leave him safely, & get the best divorce settlement for me & the DC."

Me too @Bunty55 - & a little light non-elective mutism here & there.
(Coercive controllers LOVE mute people. Lets 'em get away with SO MUCH).

Anyhoo ... F-f-f-f-f-f-f-fuck them. xx

It was my mother who belittled me at every opportunity. I never felt good enough in any respect, and woe betide me if I had to tell her something, because she always butted in and I had to speak... really... quickly.. my heart is actually going fast now at the recollection... and I would stammer and she would smile

and I would stammer and she would smile

Oh Bunty my dear. 😘
The "narcissistic smirk", I reckon.

Guess what? You endured all that, & did not turn out like your mother.
Major win.

Narc's are not happy people. They despise themselves for their own negative emotions because they are too weak to handle them, so they externalise those unamanageable feelings by projecting them onto other people.

You are not your mother. You saw what she was like, & chose not to recreate it. Your occasional stutter, & the accelerated heart beat you had just now - these are war wounds. You are a survivor, Never scold yourself for having a war wound. You are brave, & you endured, & you are not repeating narc history.
xxx

I think you are right :)

Oh my goodness, skimmed this while cooking. I’ll reply later but wanted to say how struck I am by the collective caring , support and wisdom on here.
bunty55, kettricen is so right. You are incredible.
kettricken , I KNOW!!! 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
you did make me laugh

If it is a public exam, a student must not be admitted if they are an hour late. It is because students are allowed to leave the exam after one hour and there may be contact over the paper content. If the school allowed your daughter into the exam after one hour, they are breaking the very strict regulations and could have the right to be an exam centre taken away.
I have never known a school/exam centre break this very strict rule. You need to have a family talk about being prompt for exams.

yeah, I think you need a family talk about what happens when you put the cart before the horse, @Parkperson00

It tends to make you miss the point ...

HTH

Why Does He Do That?
www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling-ebook/dp/B000Q9J0RO?ref_=d6k_applink_bb_dls&dplnkId=961f428b-2eb9-4533-88df-90e85a98cafe

How He Gets into Her Head: The Mind of the Male Intimate Abuser www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1855942208/ref=cm_sw_r_awdo_9GGD8FNS28DG69ZSZKYM

See What You Made Me Do.
www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B08KWGC629/ref=dbs_a_def_awm_bibl_vppi_i0

now he is saying,you’d better have a job by then or we won’t be going’

Oh wow. Just wow.

Have you considered getting a plan together to leave him. He really doesn't sound very nice to be around.

Incase this rings any bells, a free version of the Lundy Bancroft book

https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

Thank you everyone!

Thanks parkperson. Of course you are right, but I’m very grateful that the school and the external invigilator were able to be flexible in their thinking.

im reading Lundy atm. And it’s not easy going! I recognise some of the patterns, but dhs are so much milder. It’s also wierd that the stress he had at work has blown over so he is now much jollier. Again, I don’t know if this is normal, me being picky or a kind of reel me back in tactic. It’s like he knows when he’s pushed it too far. But again, this may be normal, and I’ve been unhelpful as he is exhausted and worried. But this guy explains all that. Hmmm.

thank you all. The main thing is, that now I have clarity ( sort if) I can ignore the stupider aspects. BUT..my stress of the last few days was caused by his stress. I’ve made decisions that I wouldn’t have normally made except I was so anxious about getting it wrong. Oops, just read that back. Back to Lundy!

Just wanted to say thank you. I am obviously in denial and looking for ways I might be wrong. He is obviously stressed about money and work, and I keep thinking iv got it wrong - hope I have, no idea how to LTB!