What actually is controlling behaviour?

[Cleanbedlinen12]

I mean the insidious subtle stuff. How do you know if it’s controlling or just daft?
for example dd very nearly missed her exam, she’s dyslexic, and Dh just wouldn’t let it go. I’d told her,’well done, you still went and you rocked it’ because she was being really hard on herself. Dh kept saying,’well how late were you. Why were you late, I don’t understand how you can be late’ on and on. I said, ‘ no need to do the Spanish Inquisition! It doesn’t matter!The good thing is she went and didn’t bottle out’ he said,’it matters to me’.
I DuPont understand why it matters to him. Also neither of us wanted to say really - she was an hour late and the very amazing school were so supportive.

i also feel everything I want to do is met with a ‘ don’t do that’ or ‘no’ it’s automatic.

we have a holiday actually booked to actually see my mum. This hasn’t happened in years.. he doesn’t like using his holiday to visit my mum. This year she is now in a home and much to my suprise he suggested going. He even made it a thing when his sister wanted to share a holiday, that we have to go there ( tho that may be a power thing with his sister) but now he is saying,you’d better have a job by then or we won’t be going’ in front of son. I am looking for work.

he does get really exhausted at work and stressed

Abusers are very sensitive to their victims reactions.

That is why they pull back when they can see that they have gone too far and their victims are starting to look at them and question their awful behaviour.

There is NO excuse for his bullying you and your daughter.

Please contact Women's aid.

Your daughter deserves better than this.
If she is dyslexic, she already has challenges.

A bullying, belittling father is the last thing she needs.

Do not underestimate the damage that is being done by him.

Thanks billy. That is a strong response.
thanks Ketteract I do need to focus on me, you are right. I’ve made decisions I wouldn’t make usually because I am thinking of his reaction ( it feels like it will be an automatic no ). It’s odd because he’ll do stuff like persuede the kids to sit on the sofa with him then not engage even though they are being funny and lovely and it’s rare to see them like that. He’ll get us all to watch tv then be scrolling on his phone. know he’s tired but he could smile? It’s like he’s so in his own head? ..oh no I’m trying to analyse him again. You are right I’m sat here analysing him instead of planning my day and thinking of lovely positive things for me to do fo pr me. I think of what I’d like to do, and automatically shut myself down and find reasons why not to, and force myself to focus on washing, cleaning etc instead. That’s a bad mental habit.

Just because he has a different way of seeing things doesn’t make him ‘abusive’ or ‘controlling’. My husband doesn’t agree with me about everything but that doesn’t make him a coercive controller or everyone MN favourite..gaslighting

Thanks hollygo lightly I’m wondering if I’ve squashed myself to do all the mum stuff when they were little and, the old cliche, put me last, and now lost courage to do stuff for me. ( also because I think he’ll get cross somewhere in my head) Like now I’m thinking of stuff for the kids, the house..the plan I had for me, I am now pushing further down the day until bang! Another day gone and I’ve achieved nothing ( that I value anyway). Maybe I’m being a victim, and it’s easy to lame him. Maybe it’s a bit of both - he Does follow some of the dominator traits, and has a horrible narcissistic and controlling family.my mum did warn me, as the dad was so rude about his wife! Codependent no more rang a lot of bells. I’ll re read that, and I’ve just got living with the dominator. And NOW coffee and treats FOR ME! After I’ve cleaned the kitchen😂😂😂😂

@Cleanbedlinen12 I’m in a similar situation to you - it doesn’t feel as bad as it is in Lundy’s book, and I know plenty of people have to put up with far worse. But I’m coming to the view that not too bad is still not good enough, my husband can be kindness itself sometimes but then overbearing and unpleasant at others. What shines through your posts is how much you work round his behaviour, you changing how you are/think/behave to try and avoid/mitigate his demeanour…and that isn’t right.

it is so hard to get your head round this subtle (and not-so-subtle) coercion, but once you start to see it for what it is, you will notice it more and more; take the time you need to understand what’s going on and then make your decisions when you’re ready.

Stand down everybody.

@Hollygolightly86's DH doesn't abuse her, so abusive men do not exist.

Phew, what a relief. But who's gonna call women's aid & explain we no longer need them?

Would you like your daughter to end up like you, with your life?

Your mother at least warned you that his family were awful.

If this environment is as awful as it reads, your poor daughter has had an awful start and will be vulnerable.

I couldn't bear for my girls to end up with a bully for a husband.

How a young woman is treated by her father is so important.

Thanks billy. It’s taken a while to respond because your comment hit me right in the emotions.
it’s jolted me out of my wimpy victim like analysing and woken me up.
thanks for all who are taking the time to respond - I really appreciate your support. Especially *ketterick, you said I sounded like a good mu, that means a lot!
chaiforme exactly! Mine can be kindness itself and unpleasant and overbearing too. Thanks for pointing out that I am changing / mitigating etc. I hadn’t realised that I was doing it to that extent.

So, fair play, after a huge row where I felt justified in stating my case ( thanks all!) he took us all for lunch yesterday and bought a small and thoughtful gift for the teens. But then As you said, you begin to notice patterns. I realised whenever we go out as a family, he’ll sort of seperate ds. And say something disparaging to him about whatever dd and I are up to. How on Earth do I handle that?

fuck this.I’m using up my spoons ( spoonfuls of energy) thinking of him. I need to use them on stuff for me. I’m getting some independence and then I’m off.

He's a nasty bully who just can't change who he is.

He's not a project for you to understand and fix.

You have given him enough of you and your precious children's time.

Start detaching and getting organised.

Stop doing anything that allows your daughter to think this behaviour is correct.

If your husband is unkind to your daughter, correct him there and then.

Tell your daughter that her father's behaviour is wrong and unacceptable.

In your place I would be talking to the school and ask if they can help with counselling.

Tell the truth.
Your husband is a nasty bullying prick and your daughter is a target of his.
That you are actively trying to leave.

Tell family and friends of his behaviour.
Be honest.

Honesty is very powerful.
It is very likely that they can see him clearly.

Use your time and energy to improve your life and that of your children, rather than tolerating this bully.

Talk to Women's aid for advice too.

Happy to be helpful @Cleanbedlinen12 , it is so difficult to see the dynamic when you are in the middle of it, and I only realised how much I was pre-empting DH’s behaviour when I heard myself telling my little one not to do something totally innocuous because “you know what daddy’s like about that”…

take the time you need to find your strength, and then once you’ve found it, get you and your DC away from him. You go girl, you got this 💜