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Original poster

DH round and round it goes...

61 replies

abcabcabcabc · 16/05/2022 15:28

I feel like DH and I have a recurring argument in our relationship. He thinks I'm too demanding and I think he can't handle any criticism.

Example of this is today I collected DC from school, within five minutes of arriving home he's telling off eldest DC. I intervened because we've literally just come home - he gets annoyed with me because I'm criticising him apparently.

I just feel it's unnecessary. The kids are little and he's beginning to sound like a sergeant major. I find it grating my dad was like that and as a child it was awful.

I try to talk to him but he walks off so I end up following him to the other room to talk it over. It then evolves in to me being demanding and his feelings now being taken in to account.

And so round and round it goes...

There are other examples of this type of thing but as I'm in it it's hard to see the wood for the trees

OP posts:
Fairislefandango · 16/05/2022 15:37

It's hard to tell whether he is being unreasonable over telling the dc off without more details about what he says and how old they are. You intervening in the middle of his parenting is not ideal tbh. But... if you are unable to agree on how to parent your children and if he really is being shouty and horrible to small dc, I would be reconsidering the relationship tbh.

Original poster
abcabcabcabc · 16/05/2022 15:42

The eldest is four.

It's not so much shouty and horrible. It's more ranting, and it's stuff I wouldn't really comment on.

Eldest was irritating younger DC. DH told them to stop and DC laughed and carries on. I know that's rude/irritating but to my mind that requires a short sharp no and distraction.

Not finger wagging and a rant about respect 😕

I accept we all parent differently but it irritates me

OP posts:
BigFatLiar · 16/05/2022 15:44

I don't think it's always one person's fault. Noisy children, well they often are. Was he working?
When he walks away he may have been taking himself away from the argument and you followed to continue it. Its a way to diffuse a situation when it's getting heated maybe best to let it go and talk it over when you've both calmed down.

Watchkeys · 16/05/2022 15:49

I try to talk to him but he walks off

He's not in a position to rant to anybody else about respect, then, is he.

Are there ever discussions about solutions, or what 'we' need, or what 'we' would prefer, or are you a pair of individuals pitted against each other every time when you don't agree?

Relationships can be judged on their conflict resolution style. If you can't resolve conflict, you can't have a relationship, basically, especially when you have kids. There will be conflict, and if you can't resolve it healthily, the kids will suffer.

Original poster
abcabcabcabc · 16/05/2022 15:49

I often find him walking away is a signal that he's decided the conversation is over. Regardless of what I might want to say.

It wasn't in any way heated - just to clarify that.

IMO he walks off to go and sulk and be the "injured party". He can then sit in his office and stew and when I calmly try to discuss he says "it's fine", or he's just "tired".

He'll then bring it up at some later date Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
abcabcabcabc · 16/05/2022 15:52

I feel I'm more in the "we" camp. He feels it's more us and then. It's very irritating

OP posts:
LannieDuck · 16/05/2022 15:54

abcabcabcabc · 16/05/2022 15:42

The eldest is four.

It's not so much shouty and horrible. It's more ranting, and it's stuff I wouldn't really comment on.

Eldest was irritating younger DC. DH told them to stop and DC laughed and carries on. I know that's rude/irritating but to my mind that requires a short sharp no and distraction.

Not finger wagging and a rant about respect 😕

I accept we all parent differently but it irritates me

Given the details of why he was annoyed, YABU. If your eldest is laughing when DH tells them not to do something, he does need to be firm. You undermining him (esp if it was in front of the kids?) isn't going to help.

Watchkeys · 16/05/2022 15:55

When he walks away he may have been taking himself away from the argument

Then he needs to explain what he's doing, and let OP know he's not simply walking off when she's trying to talk to him. It's very ill mannered to walk away when somebody's trying to talk to you.

OP, have you had a chat with him when he's calm about this? What would he say, if, for example, you said to him 'I'd like us to have a chat one evening about how we resolve our disagreements'?

Original poster
abcabcabcabc · 16/05/2022 15:58

In general it's best for us to discuss things when it's all calmed down. But I'm not prepared to feel like bad guy and put up with the wounded soldier until we can have a chat about it, which is often several hours, when the DC are around.

OP posts:
Arrivederla · 16/05/2022 15:59

LannieDuck · 16/05/2022 15:54

Given the details of why he was annoyed, YABU. If your eldest is laughing when DH tells them not to do something, he does need to be firm. You undermining him (esp if it was in front of the kids?) isn't going to help.

Show quote history

For goodness sake. There is absolutely no point in "ranting" at a 4 year old. Calm and firm no, change of subject, move on.

Ranting is unkind and unnecessary for a child of that age.

Original poster
abcabcabcabc · 16/05/2022 16:00

That's the nub of it. It feels unnecessary. I don't disagree with him telling them off when it's warranted but it feels like any minor infractions is picked up on

OP posts:
Summerholidayorcovidagain · 16/05/2022 16:03

Presumably your 4yo has been at school all day. After school is a hideous time. Maybe dh could just show he is happy they are home instead of nagging imo.

BigFatLiar · 16/05/2022 16:04

In his office? If he's working from home then perhaps he could stay there and work when they get home and are unruly leaving you to sort them out.

He probably needed to walk away as he felt there was no point in further discussion, mum had spoken, he was wrong and had been told off.

Original poster
abcabcabcabc · 16/05/2022 16:06

I get annoyed by DC too at times, but I'm mindful they're small. I expect them to misbehave at points. I feel like his expectations are too high and it's draining. IMO he's expecting them to function like teenagers and that's setting them up for failure. And I get hopping mad because I can see what's happening. But when I say anything I become the bad guy

OP posts:
yesthatisdrizzle · 16/05/2022 16:06

LannieDuck · 16/05/2022 15:54

Given the details of why he was annoyed, YABU. If your eldest is laughing when DH tells them not to do something, he does need to be firm. You undermining him (esp if it was in front of the kids?) isn't going to help.

Show quote history

I'm inclined to agree. Four is not too young for them to start using the 'divide and conquer' technique on their parents, especially when they know that they can misbehave for daddy, and mummy sticks up for them.

LannieDuck · 16/05/2022 16:15

I agree that 'ranting' is going too far, but I also don't agree with OP who calls it a 'minor infraction'. Which it might have been until DS laughed at DH telling him to stop, and carried on with the poor behaviour. At that point it needs to be addressed more firmly.

As is often the case, a middle-ground might be needed (between letting it go and ranting).

Sunshinegirl82 · 16/05/2022 16:20

I'd agree that it sounds as though his expectations of a 4 year old are too high. A long discussion about respect doesn't seem age appropriate. They are still very young. I'd probably have gone with a firm "X, stop upsetting your brother, that behaviour is not kind and we don't do it. Come and help me decide what to cook for tea/tidy up these toys etc."

It doesn't sound as though the issue is that there is disagreement about what behaviours potentially need some sort of "discipline" for want of a better word rather the nature of the "discipline" used? If that makes sense?

Would he consider some parenting classes? Or reading some age appropriate books? Perhaps if you came at it from a "wanting to try and get on the same page so parenting is consistent" might be more persuasive?

thenewduchessoflapland · 16/05/2022 16:29

I often clashed with my DH over parenting the kids when they were younger;I felt DH expected too much of them and treated them like mini adults instead of children;he was crap at relating to them and coming down to their level.

Small children find adults ranting at them frightening and they tune out.A simple "Tom we have asked you to stop that;please listen or you'll have to have a time out/no TV today" would have sufficed.

The walking away and refusing to discuss it is called stonewalling and it's manipulative.

Original poster
abcabcabcabc · 16/05/2022 16:53

The best of it all is that he's reading all these parenting books

It may well be a form of stonewalling, it's not that he gives me the actual silent treatment or won't talk about it, which is what I think of as typical stonewalling. He'll just walk off like he's hard done by and then be moody. It feels like it's always me at fault but when we talk about he says that's how he feels. He can't do anything right and our family is setup for me to be happy sometimes at his expense

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 16/05/2022 16:56

But when he's saying it's all set up for you to be happy, he's saying that in response to you coming to him to tell him you're not happy. Have you pointed that out?

Original poster
abcabcabcabc · 16/05/2022 17:03

I hadn't even realised he was doing that. It becomes such a long winded conversation. It can never be just a minor disagreement and we move on. And it invariably becomes about how I've got it wrong somehow. As I say we always end up with him being the injured party

OP posts:
Arrivederla · 16/05/2022 17:05

He can't do anything right and our family is setup for me to be happy sometimes at his expense

Jesus. What a giant baby.

He is an adult and a parent; he cant go around behaving like a stroppy toddler!

Why are so many men like this? Is it because they were brought up to believe that their needs and wants always came first? Serious question.

Watchkeys · 16/05/2022 17:12

A long winded conversation is a 2 person thing. He's manipulating you into forgetting what's going on. Remind him during the conversation of what you actually came to say. Over and over.

But if it doesn't work and he's insistent on manipulating you, even when you've seen it, you're looking at an issue of disrespect in your marriage, and that's bigger than this issue.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/05/2022 17:16

He's insufferable and tedious. What a horrible example for your children.