Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH round and round it goes...

61 replies

abcabcabcabc · 16/05/2022 15:28

I feel like DH and I have a recurring argument in our relationship. He thinks I'm too demanding and I think he can't handle any criticism.

Example of this is today I collected DC from school, within five minutes of arriving home he's telling off eldest DC. I intervened because we've literally just come home - he gets annoyed with me because I'm criticising him apparently.

I just feel it's unnecessary. The kids are little and he's beginning to sound like a sergeant major. I find it grating my dad was like that and as a child it was awful.

I try to talk to him but he walks off so I end up following him to the other room to talk it over. It then evolves in to me being demanding and his feelings now being taken in to account.

And so round and round it goes...

There are other examples of this type of thing but as I'm in it it's hard to see the wood for the trees

OP posts:
Ihaventgottimeforthis · 16/05/2022 17:16

Don't wait for something to happen to use as an example. Wait for a quiet evening and bring it up. You need to get yourselves back on track together asap, it won't just sort itself out.
Figure out how to communicate with each other around this - using your childhood experience is a good one, DH and I both actively don't want to recreate the atmospheres we had in our childhood homes, so we had to find time by ourselves to calibrate our responses. He loses his temper, I'm avoidant. But we together reached an equilibrium through discussion but it could only happen with some distance from an actual 'event' rather than in the heat of the moment.

Fairislefandango · 16/05/2022 17:21

Given the details of why he was annoyed, YABU. If your eldest is laughing when DH tells them not to do something, he does need to be firm. You undermining him (esp if it was in front of the kids?) isn't going to help.

True. But he needs to be firm in an age-appropriate way. Standing there finger-wagging, ranting and lecturing them about respect is going to go in one ear and out of the other with dc of four and under.

I think some men (probably particularly those who are used to being in charge of people in the workplace) are pretty put-out and evrn a bit humiliated when they find that they can't easily just make their small children instantly obey them. It threatens their assumptions about their authority and their status within the family.

Didimum · 16/05/2022 17:22

I get your frustrations with how he handles conflict with you, but in the case of the example with the DC, you should undermine him when he is parenting, especially when he is already being undermined by his DC in the first place. You should present a united front to your children, otherwise they will get confusing mixed messages and will not respect one or the other of you. If you disagree with what he is doing, bring it up later, away from the kids, and use it as an opportunity to discuss and unify your approach to parenting and discipline.

Original poster
abcabcabcabc · 16/05/2022 17:24

I do try to bring him back on to topic usually, but I found myself off the ball today. He'll sometimes make any comments about him, about me, well you did this etc. and I can see right through that and say actually we're not talking about me. If you have an issue with my behaviour raise it and we'll discuss. Don't try to muddy the waters.

I don't want to recreate my childhood and am pretty sure he doesn't but communication is such an issue when someone is always claiming to feel attacked.

I feel almost like I shouldn't ask for anything or have any expectations because if I do and he falls short and I raise that then I'm the one at fault

OP posts:
pointythings · 16/05/2022 17:30

Oh God, mine used to do this - endless repetitive lectures to very small children, going over and over and over the same point again, and getting really up close in their faces when a short, sharp but calm telling off would have been far more effective.

And then he wondered why they didn't respond to him but stopped when I told them off - but that was all my fault, apparently.

This was what he had learned from his parents, they were perfect and therefore any other parenting method was wrong. Hmm

Reader, I am single.

Watchkeys · 16/05/2022 17:31

I feel almost like I shouldn't ask for anything or have any expectations because if I do and he falls short and I raise that then I'm the one at fault

And if you tell him that this is how it feels to you, what happens?

Original poster
abcabcabcabc · 16/05/2022 17:32

pointythings · 16/05/2022 17:30

Oh God, mine used to do this - endless repetitive lectures to very small children, going over and over and over the same point again, and getting really up close in their faces when a short, sharp but calm telling off would have been far more effective.

And then he wondered why they didn't respond to him but stopped when I told them off - but that was all my fault, apparently.

This was what he had learned from his parents, they were perfect and therefore any other parenting method was wrong. Hmm

Reader, I am single.

Even reading it makes my blood boil. Honestly Angry

OP posts:
gamerchick · 16/05/2022 17:33

Sounds like you've picked someone like your dad as a partner. Your kids will do the same. It happens, our childhoods can shape us more than we think.

Original poster
abcabcabcabc · 16/05/2022 17:35

He says it's not intended and he'll start about how perhaps our personalities are too different, which feels like a way to make me back down

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 16/05/2022 17:47

abcabcabcabc · 16/05/2022 17:35

He says it's not intended and he'll start about how perhaps our personalities are too different, which feels like a way to make me back down

'But I'm still uncomfortable about it, even if our personalities are different. What do you suggest we do to sort this out?'

What would that lead to?

Original poster
abcabcabcabc · 16/05/2022 17:52

@Watchkeys yes I like this very much. Thank you, I'll use that in future.
There's obviously more to this whole thing. We've been in a rough patch which gets better for a while and then worse again. It all came to a head last year when he announced while half cut from a night out that he was unhappy and wanted to split. He retracted the following day but it's really knocked my confidence in our relationship and I feel like every time we've a crossed word now that's going to be said again. It's not what I want, and I feel almost like it's been weaponised against me. I don't feel I can speak freely without being put back in my place with oooh relationships shouldn't be so hard etc.

OP posts:
pointythings · 16/05/2022 17:56

Thing is, he's not altogether wrong. His parenting ideas suck, but relationships shouldn't be this hard. They will be though, as your DC get older. Because guess what? Lecturing really doesn't work on teenagers. Not. At. All. I stayed with mine for too long and he never, ever changed. If you'd asked him to describe our DDs when they were 13 and 15 you'd have ended up thinking they were horrendously troubled, failing school, badly behaved, probably out all hours stealing cars, getting pregnant and doing drugs all at the same time.

Why?

Because they occasionally said 'Fuck'. That was all.

Unless you can bring your ideas about parenting more into line with each other, this is going to continue to damage your relationships and it will definitely damage your children.

Watchkeys · 16/05/2022 18:04

I don't feel I can speak freely without being put back in my place with oooh relationships shouldn't be so hard etc

But can you not just agree with him here? 'You're right, this relationship really is very hard, what shall we do?'

Ask him for the solution every time he presents a problem?

But to be honest, it just sounds like he's willing to do anything to shut you up, including threatening to leave you. I wouldn't be staying with him, in your shoes. It's not love. It's not even trust.

FloydPepper · 16/05/2022 18:10

Following someone to continue an argument when they want to step away isn’t on. You have acknowledged discussions are better when yours both call, yet you follow him to keep arguing.

it’s not wrong to want to step away

it’s also not on to openly undermine the other parent. This entire post would have different responses if he was the relaxed parent, undermining you and following you to keep arguing.

HardRockOwl · 16/05/2022 18:11

He sounds like an insufferable prick. Do you want to consider leaving him at some point?

On one level, it's absolutely fine for him to tell your kids off crossly from time to time. But you're describing so much more than that and it's clearly making you miserable

FloydPepper · 16/05/2022 18:12

abcabcabcabc · 16/05/2022 17:52

@Watchkeys yes I like this very much. Thank you, I'll use that in future.
There's obviously more to this whole thing. We've been in a rough patch which gets better for a while and then worse again. It all came to a head last year when he announced while half cut from a night out that he was unhappy and wanted to split. He retracted the following day but it's really knocked my confidence in our relationship and I feel like every time we've a crossed word now that's going to be said again. It's not what I want, and I feel almost like it's been weaponised against me. I don't feel I can speak freely without being put back in my place with oooh relationships shouldn't be so hard etc.

This follow up makes me think you’re so on edge about the relationship that’s leading you to be a bit out of order with the criticising and arguing. Two separate things going on here?

Original poster
abcabcabcabc · 16/05/2022 18:12

I wasn't following to continue an argument. I was in the middle of a sentence and he decides the discussion is over. If we were having a big row I wouldn't follow him as that wouldn't help anyone. I followed him to finish my sentence because considering he expects reaps from everyone he's not keen on dishing it out

OP posts:
CaptSkippy · 16/05/2022 18:18

I'd normally say he's unreasonable/childish. I have done that in many of my comments, however I feel there is something else going.

You two need to get on the same page regarding parenting and especially discipline. You need to hash this out when you are both calm and relaxed and put it on paper if you have to. Write down the rules and the consequences for breaking the rules. Review every couple of months as the kids get older.

What the both of you are doing right now is hella stressful for children. They don't know who to listen to and neither of you are setting a good example on how to resolve conflicts. This is unfair to the children.

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 16/05/2022 18:19

I think with the children he's got to chill out a bit, and also let the kids learn how to navigate conflict rather than sticking his beak in.
I've got 2 girls, and they are great friends but they do bicker and fight, in the main, I rarely intervene. Even last night during a film intermission they started winding each other up, then escalating to poking each other for fun. This then becomes a bit harder.
I teach the eldest to be a little kinder and the youngest to not let her bigger sister push her around..... I want my kids to feel they can approach us.
Both our parents were Sargent major types. I hated that as a child and a teenager, it's so intimidating and repressive.

FloydPepper · 16/05/2022 18:20

abcabcabcabc · 16/05/2022 18:12

I wasn't following to continue an argument. I was in the middle of a sentence and he decides the discussion is over. If we were having a big row I wouldn't follow him as that wouldn't help anyone. I followed him to finish my sentence because considering he expects reaps from everyone he's not keen on dishing it out

I was basing my response on what you’d said. Now you’ve added to that with info that makes your actions seem more reasonable (although it’s still not great to follow someone who wants to withdraw) I have to accept you were right.

funny how follow up posts always do that on here.

Olsi109 · 16/05/2022 18:31

If I'd asked my child not to do something and they laughed and carried on they'd also get a grilling about respect I don't know why any parent would not comment on that unless you're happy to repeatedly get dragged into school as they get older because they are rude with no manners.

YABU - your husband is trying to instil decent manners and respect into your children, teaching them boundaries and you are having a go at him.

Original poster
abcabcabcabc · 16/05/2022 18:39

@FloydPepper you don't have to accept I'm right. It's entirely your choice. If you think I'm wrong, it's fine, you're entitled to your own opinion.

In my OP I said "I try to talk to him but he walks off so I end up following him to the other room to talk it over." Which can be read as it was, calm conversation and he flounces off because it's not going his way. Or, I run after him screaming and shouting looking for a big row. That did not happen.

OP posts:
Sunshinegirl82 · 16/05/2022 18:41

Olsi109 · 16/05/2022 18:31

If I'd asked my child not to do something and they laughed and carried on they'd also get a grilling about respect I don't know why any parent would not comment on that unless you're happy to repeatedly get dragged into school as they get older because they are rude with no manners.

YABU - your husband is trying to instil decent manners and respect into your children, teaching them boundaries and you are having a go at him.

You'd grill a 4 year old about respect? Really?

Original poster
abcabcabcabc · 16/05/2022 18:42

Olsi109 · 16/05/2022 18:31

If I'd asked my child not to do something and they laughed and carried on they'd also get a grilling about respect I don't know why any parent would not comment on that unless you're happy to repeatedly get dragged into school as they get older because they are rude with no manners.

YABU - your husband is trying to instil decent manners and respect into your children, teaching them boundaries and you are having a go at him.

I'd definitely comment too. Commenting is different from wagging a finger in the face of a four year old and spending 10 minutes talking about respect. Respect is earned. I don't speak to my children like that because I wouldn't think it's okay if they were to do that me

OP posts:
pointythings · 16/05/2022 18:56

I'd definitely comment too. Commenting is different from wagging a finger in the face of a four year old and spending 10 minutes talking about respect.

This. When a young child misbehaves, it's up to you as a parent to deal with that effectively.

Lengthy, in their face finger wagging lectures are not effective. The only purpose they serve is to satisfy the anger of the person delivering the lecture. They are a sign of authoritarian parenting, which is sub-optimal. OP's husband needs to learn what works and implement it, not repeat futile actions he remembers from his own past.