DH round and round it goes...

[abcabcabcabc]

I feel like DH and I have a recurring argument in our relationship. He thinks I'm too demanding and I think he can't handle any criticism.

Example of this is today I collected DC from school, within five minutes of arriving home he's telling off eldest DC. I intervened because we've literally just come home - he gets annoyed with me because I'm criticising him apparently.

I just feel it's unnecessary. The kids are little and he's beginning to sound like a sergeant major. I find it grating my dad was like that and as a child it was awful.

I try to talk to him but he walks off so I end up following him to the other room to talk it over. It then evolves in to me being demanding and his feelings now being taken in to account.

And so round and round it goes...

There are other examples of this type of thing but as I'm in it it's hard to see the wood for the trees

@Sunshinegirl82

Yes.

"Please do not laugh and carry on when I've asked you to stop doing something. It is disrespectful and rude."

Works as I've got two fairly well mannered and respectful teenage girls 🤷‍♀️

@abcabcabcabc

You said in your second post that it's stuff you wouldn't really comment on hence my comment.

I wouldn't undermine my DH in front of my children as it teaches them they don't need to listen to him, and here they are not listening to him, so I can understand his frustration.

When did I say I wouldn't comment on it? I said precisely the opposite! I wouldn't call your proposed one line "a grilling on respect" to be honest!

@Olsi109 I did say it was stuff I wouldn't comment on. My four year old teasing their sibling for a few moments isn't something I feel the need to dive in to and straighten out. I save my input for when it's actually needed, to gain maximum effect. DH isn't "trying to teach them manners" he's trying to enforce behaviour that isn't age appropriate. He wants them to behave perfectly and his ranting is overwhelming to a small child. DC is laughing because they haven't a clue what he's going on about as the sermon drags on in to its tenth minute

My dh was like this, impossible standards for small children and constant ranting and moaning at them. It's very draining and tbh has killed my affection for him. Stand your ground op, defend your dc from his ranting even if it ends in a row, I didn't and I have always regretted it.

If I'd asked my child not to do something and they laughed and carried on they'd also get a grilling about respect

Nothing wrong with telling them off, but at that age it needs to be short and simple, with consequences if they do it again. Lecturing a 4yo about respect just shows a total lack of understanding of how 4 year-olds function and understand the world. Tbh you might as well be standing there going 'Blah blah blah blah' for all the good it will do.

It all came to a head last year when he announced while half cut from a night out that he was unhappy and wanted to split. He retracted the following day but it's really knocked my confidence in our relationship and I feel like every time we've a crossed word now that's going to be said again. It's not what I want

But he's awful @abcabcabcabc . What a wanker, bordering on abusive/actually abusive to your LOs, and fucking with your emotions. If you spit you'd be free of this nightmare.

@Olsi109 I wouldn't undermine my DH in front of my children as it teaches them they don't need to listen to him,

Sometimes undermining, or as I call it 'intervention' is needed. When they other parent is being manifestly unreasonable, for instance. Then, in an ideal world, the other parent learns to do better and apologises to their child for getting in their face like that. Because to a small child, that sort of behaviour from a parent is very frightening. And no, the laughter from the child does not mean they were not intimidated - it's one of many possible stress reactions in that situation.

He sounds awful and I feel sorry for your children being lectured when they are so small still. Why do you even want to stay with him?

I really disagree with this. My experience is similar to OPs, with a DP who likes to have his say then remove himself, without allowing me to explain or give my side. It's his way of taking the upper hand and to my mind it's totally unacceptable.

And I don't agree with the hallowed 'united front' either. If my DP expects me to back him up while he's being an impatient arsehole then he can forget it. If he really has some fiendish long game he thinks is going to work, then he should run it past me before autocratically announcing some new random rule that I wasn't consulted on.

My united front is with sensible people, not over dramatic tyrants.

I wouldn't undermine my DH in front of my children as it teaches them they don't need to listen to him

My mum thought she should give a 'united front' which means she never stood up for me and let my dad treat me like shit. She's lucky we still have a relationship really.

Exactly this.